Previously on “Teen Mom 2,” Jenelle skipped town, but took her mother’s credit cards for “emergencies,” Ali’s EmArAh came back normal, but Leah wants to get a second opinion because their douchebag doctor didn’t looks like he knew what he was talking about, Chelsea and Adam broke up again, but peacefully this time, and Jo is illegally holding Kailyn’s stuff hostage until she pays him back the $600 she owes him. Nothing can be done about this because no one in the situation knows the law including the cops that were called.
Kailyn spends her first segment talking to friends we’ve never seen before about exactly what was covered in her flashback. Jo has her stuff, Suzi called the cops, but Kailyn needs to get the $600 if she wants said stuff. Also, she’s nervous that Jo will hang on to Isaac just to spite her. Considering Jo asked the cops point blank if he could do that last week, it wouldn’t surprise me.
In South Dakota, Chelsea’s whinily VOs that her birthday is coming up, so this really isn’t a good time to be going through a breakup. When is a good time, Chelsea? But Randy’s happy as a clam that Adam’s out of the picture, so he’s taking Chelsea out to dinner to cheer her up. They talk about what caused the break, and I think Chelsea lies a little! I’m not sure, so feel free to back me up or set me straight, but she says that Adam was currently cheating on her and that he would be out until four in the morning with other girls. As I understood it, Adam admitted to having cheated in the past, but not since they started dating again.
I think Chelsea likes being a victim more than we all thought…
Randy can barely contain his glee at this point, so when Chelsea asks him what she should do he practically giggles when he tells her to move on and that Adam owes her nearly $2000 in child support. Good luck squeezing that out of his tank top. Chelsea’s still a sad monkey, but at least there’s already less Adam this episode, so that muscle in my shoulder has yet to tense up.
And man, the stories are changing all OVER the place! Remember last week when Jenelle said she had gas money to make the trip to Jersey with Kieffer, and she had Barbara’s credit cards for “emergencies”? Well, now she’s VOing that she TOOK her mom’s credit cards to help pay for gas and food. What happened to her gas money?
Looks like someone made a potstop…
Seriously Jenelle? Are you honestly one of those people who’s smoked themselves stupid? You took your mother’s credit cards PLURAL. Do you think she won’t notice? What’s the plan here? Yeesh, anyway, the two dumbest lovebirds in the world head up to Jersey (which is only a ten hour drive from Oak Island, fyi.), and meet Kieffer’s brother, Chris and his girlfriend Jane.
The Reefer brothers appear to share the same taste in women.
Jane sweetly asks about Jace and politely listens as Jenelle explains the fucked up situation her baby is in. Also, they are all HELLA stoned at this point, which probably explains what happens at dinner later. Also? Kieffer and Chris do not seem like they haven’t seen each other in two years. They seem like they haven’t seen each other in two months. Just sayin…
Aaah, West Virginia! Leah is really behind in the wedding planning because of Ali’s health issues, and she still appears to maintain the same taste patters I do – the more expensive the better! We’re not snobs, I swear. It’s totally unintentional.
Which of these bouquets do you like? One of them is ridiculously more expensive, but they’re also so different that it’s a matter of preference, as well. In situations like these when the price isn’t displayed, I invariably pick the pricier one. I should go on that game show…
Anywho, Leah gabs with her mom and Corey’s mom at the florist about how overwhelmed she is, but she appears pretty blissful as she samples bouquets to hold. Afterward, she heads home to Corey GAHCUTESOMOTHERFUCKINCUTE (that’s gonna happen every time I see Corey play with those babies like he was just then), and they get the girls together for Joetta and Jeff to take them for the weekend. The bachelor and bachelorette parties are this weekend, but Leah’s having a hard time enjoying the prospect of a party when there’s still so much to do for the wedding. Like sending out invitations… Whoa. I mean, now it’s not funny how behind they are… because nobody’s gonna come…
Corey’s too blissful to stress out, but his advice of “Calm down and enjoy yourself,” doesn’t do much for the current freakout state that Leah’s living in. Pffft, MEN. The quickest way to a punch in the balls is for a male to tell me to just calm down when I’m pissed off or freaking out. I WILL HAVE MY FEELINGS. Commercial!
In Pennsylvania, Suzi is still being awesomely supportive to Kailyn, and it’s still puzzling me, and Jo is still being a douche which is par for the course. Janet and Eddie confront him calmly over a bottle white wine in the kitchen.
This seems so weird to me. It’s like they’re trying to be WASPy in response to Jo trying to be street.
They ask him if he feels he has everything under control, and considering he does have Kailyn’s clothes and baby under his roof, the answer is yes, he has everything under control. He’s such a little shite – he sits there and smiles like he’s eaten some delicious canary, when really all Kailyn has to do is draw up some custody papers, and take him to small claims court for Jo’s pathetic house of cards to fall down. Whatever, Eddie advises Jo to be in control of his emotions, and Janet advises Jo to maintain a relationship with Kailyn to ensure that he will have a relationship with Isaac. Jo actually says something so mature that I feel like a producer pulled him aside and coached him – he says that Kailyn is a good mother, and that he’s not going to keep Isaac from her. He’s also going to maintain a good relationship with her so he can see Isaac, and with her no longer living with them, that’s very easy to do.
Uh… yeah. You been watchin’ Dr. Phil, Kid?
Good on his word, Kailyn receives a text on her way to work that day from Jo ensuring that she will be able to get Isaac from Junior that day and that her clothes will be waiting for her when she has the money. That she doesn’t legally have to have since there was no contract or verbal agreement about a loan or repayment. Whatever, Kailyn’s relieved. Baby steps.
And now for the worst bachelor/ette parties on the planet. Oh well, I guess that’s what you get being underage in West Virginia.
Bonfires and Pure Romance parties.
Okay, I actually love Pure Romance parties and it was adorable how fast Leah was able to slip a condom on a banana with one hand. It was weird that she did it in her mother’s house during a game her mother was overseeing, but I ignored that. What I did NOT ignore was one of Leah’s douchebag friends wondering what will happen if Leah finds that she missed out on something awesome getting married so early. SHUT THE FUCK UP, DUMBASS. Corey gabs about how happy he is to get married to his friends… and that’s about it.
In Jersey, because that’s where Jenelle is now, the happy couples head out for sushi. Surprise, surprise – they’re STARVING! This is when Barbara decides to call and rip Jenelle like, the biggest new asshole we’ve seen yet. She accuses Jenelle and Keiffer of stealing the credit cards, re-kicks Jenelle out of the hosue, and tells the girl that if she comes by to get her stuff, the cops they will be called.
She’s not playing games THIS time.
Jenelle’s so stoned she takes Chris’ advice and tells her mother that she’s out to dinner and they’ll discuss the matter at a later date. SNAP. Then Barbara really loses it and calls Jenelle no daughter of hers, and tells her that she’ll never see Jace again.
In Chelsea’s world (because we all just live in it), she’s lonely living in the house with just Aubree, but doesn’t mind that she’s the sole caregiver because she mentions that she kind of always was. She VOs that Adam always did what he wanted anyway, so the entirety of Aubree’s care falling on Chelsea’s shoulders isn’t unfamiliar. Cut to Adam!
Friend Randy (who, if possible, is even more unattractive than Adam) asking Adam how things are. Adam claims that he’s been better since he and Cheslea just broke up (he’s got to pay for stuff now, so I get that). They were always fighting and Dad Randy hated him. Friend Randy is dumb enough to ask Adam why Dad Randy was such a dick, and Adam spins some dumbass tale about Chelsea always running to her dad after a fight and never telling Adam’s side of the story. Adam? It would have helped your case if your side of the story hadn’t been you knocking up Randy’s daughter, living in his house for free and either sleeping, going out or playing Call of Duty instead of showing any interest in your daughter. Think about it. Adam says he understands Dad Randy’s protective nature of Chelsea and mentions that he’ll probably be the same way with Aubree. But he also says that he’ll sure as shit not spoil Aubree like Randy spoiled Chelsea. I think that’s the first thing Adam said that didn’t make me want to punch him in the face. I also think it’s kind of astute given that Randy spoiling the shit out of Chelsea and never giving it to her for being disrespectful to him made Chelsea totally incapable of giving it to Adam for being disrespectful to her.
Here’s Friend Randy, BTW. His hair’s like a reverse Pauly D…
In West Virginia, and Leah’s still stressed about the wedding prep. She gets on Corey’s ass about tuxes and whatnot, and wants to postpone. Corey suggests that they get their marriage license and get legally married and then have the ceremony. Leah doesn’t want to do that and I see why. It kind of takes the pop out of the ceremony if you get my meaning. It’s a girl thing, I guess. Corey doesn’t feel like they’re rushing into anything considering they’re technically been together for almost two years, but Leah still has doubts about getting married so young. She VOs that she doesn’t want to hurt Corey, but she does want to be honest with him about feeling totally overwhelmed. I think this is the “big fight” that’s listed in the episode description on my DVR. And if this is the “big fight” (when in actuality it was just a reasonable conversation with no raised voices) that has the couple rethinking their marriage, I kind of think this whole thing was totally staged by MTV to give Corey and Leah an obstacle besides Ali. Whatever.
Nice try, MTV. Coreleah is solid as a ROCK.
In Pennsylvania, Kailyn picks up Isaac from Junior and heads back to Suzi’s. She tries to do some schoolwork, but babies are notoriously bad with computers, so she waits until he goes to sleep to finish. Then she calls Jo to discuss a more defined custody agreement, and they have a very civil discussion about Isaac being with Kail Monday through Friday and with Jo on the weekends. They agree to that arrangement and also to attending a custody hearing and getting the same arrangement in writing. Kailyn tells Jo that she’ll have the money she owes him by the end of the week and asks to come pick up her things. Jo agrees, and they hang up, drama free. Well, that was boring.
Jenelle must still be driving back from Jersey, because we cut right back to South Dakota, and Chelsea, who’s trying to get Megan to hang out with her again. She claims it was “hard” while Adam was in the picture, and I think that’s an interesting interpretation of kowtowing to one’s dickhead boyfriend at the expense of one’s best friend, but that’s just me.
Why are you mad at meeeee?
Chelsea doesn’t even bother asking Megan how she is before she starts talking about the breakup. It was fine, kinda mutual, blah, blah, blah – let’s hang out! Megan, proving she isn’t worth half the accolades I laud her, accepts Chelsea’s offer to hang out immediately and the girls make plans to take Aubree to the a butterfly house. BTW, unrelated, but those things freak me the fuck out. I am terrified of bugs and butterflies are BUGS. Big ones, with big wings and spiny legs. I can’t imagine why one would willingly submit themselves to hanging out in a room letting a bunch of insects land on them. Shudder. Shudder, I say.
Cut to the Butterfly House (of HORRORS), and Tiffany, her son Keyon, Megan and Chelsea head inside. Chelsea VOs once more that it sucks she had to break up with Adam during her birthday WEEK, but she’s glad her friends are making her feel better. Please, Chelsea. If you and Adam had still been together on your birthday, he would have slapped your ass and given you a coupon for Adam-lovin’ if he did anything at all. You’re better off.
And because it wouldn’t be a day with Chelsea if she didn’t talk about her problems, the girls sit down on a bench to discuss the Adam Situation. Chelsea actually says something insightful when she explains that she doesn’t think a family works if you do it backwards – get pregnant and try to make a family with the pieces that happened to fall in your lap. Tiffany agrees and says that just because two people have a baby together, doesn’t mean they should be together. Chelsea sighs and says that she’s realized she’ll either be going it alone or doing it with her friends.
Thanks for volunteering me, Chelsea! Shall I move in again?
Aaah, finally to Jenelle. It’s time for her and Kieffer to return to North Carolina. Kieffer’s a whiny bitch about leaving, but it’s Jenelle who’s quaking in her boots. Not only does she not have a place to stay, Barbara canceled the credit cards they were using. Cut to Barbara stuffing Jenelle’s clothes in trash bags and putting them on the porch. She’s all the while whining to Jace about his deadbeat mother, and I FEEL for that baby who I swear hasn’t smiled in weeks.
On the drive home, Kieffer tells Jenelle they can stay at Mike’s beachhouse again, and this time they have a month. Start saving your money, Honey. Interestingly, Kieffer has an entirely different head and facial hairdo between the car ride home and hopping in bed at Mike’s.
This kid is weird.
We return from commercial to Pennsylvania and Kailyn texts Jo that she has his money. Huzzah! Drama to ensue… In South Dakota, Randy and Chelsea go out to dinner so she can talk about the breakup AGAIN. Oh, then there’s a change of pace – Chelsea, in addition to receiving a free place to live and financial aid, thinks she should get Lady Gaga tickets for her birthday so she can have some Teen Time. Man, I’m on the fence about this one. Yes, I think Chelsea is a good mom – she spends shit-tons of time with Aubree and is genuinely the girl’s primary caregiver with very little help. However, she has not obeyed a single rule of Randy’s, nor met any of the goals they agreed upon. I just don’t think behavior like that should be rewarded with a concert, 19th birthday or no.
But I’ll give you half a guess as to whether or not Randy agrees with me.
A few days later, Chelsea drops Aubree off at her mother Mary’s house and the girls get on the road to St. Paul. There’s more Adam discussion on the way there and then OMGOMG ADAM FACEBOOKS CHELSEA! And that kind of high school bullshit excitement Chelsea exhibits when she sees it. She freaks out to Megan and Tiffany who tell her to delete it, THEN – in the most solid evidence we have yet of some kind strange relationship going on between Randy and Chelsea – she claims she needs to call “Randalicious.” FUCKING GROSS. Randy tells her to delete the Facebook before anyone else can see it and tell Adam to get his shit out of Chelsea’s garage. Boom.
I wish there were a chance in hell of Chelsea actually doing that. That is shit I would pay to see. Anywho, the girls go to Lady Gaga and have a blast with some seriously fucked up hairdos. Chelsea VOs that a night off from being a mom was just what she needed.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Ooh, and now it’s back to North Carolina. Jenelle straight walks into her mother’s house and picks up Jace despite Barbara getting all, “What the fuck are you doing here in this house where you are now effectively trespassing.” Jenelle ignores her, because that’s the smart thing to do to someone who has control of your child, so Barbara starts asking where her credit cards are. Jenelle, even though there is footage of her admitting to having them, lies and says that she doesn’t. Then she has the gall to ask for her financial aid check and Barbara cracks me up when she reveals she sent that shit BACK. Jenelle’s all “WTF that’s just like STEALING from me!” But Barbara couldn’t be less sympathetic. Jenelle starts ignoring her again, and then Barbara literally starts SCREAMING at her asking Jenelle why she would “doooo this!!!!!!”
Honestly, while Barbara has a penchant for trying the same solution over and over expecting something different to happen, if Jenelle were ignoring me like that and lying about stealing my credit cards, I would flip the motherfuck out. It’d be more than screaming that’d happen, and Jace’d probably get put into my creepy boyfriend Mike’s custody before the day was out.
So really, we should give her some credit for just yelling.
Barbara threatens to call the police, then Jenelle starts crying and picks up Jace, claiming all she wants to do is see her son. Ugh, shut up, Jenelle. We know that you want to see your son. We also know that you want to smoke lots of weed and take impromptu road trips with your leech boyfriend. That’s where the problem is. The saddest thing is Jace’s face as Jenelle screams in his ear. Both women are irate and Jenelle finally leaves, promising to come back for her trashbags on the porch. Ugh, man that was awful. Thank God for Taco Bell commercials.
The final segment starts with Kailyn and Suzi heading to the Rivera house to get Kailyn’s stuff. Jo starts off an ass from minute ONE asking if the check Kailyn hands him is gonna bounce when he tries to cash it. She quietly says, “No,” obviously embarrassed to be in the situation in the first place, and then he’s all, “You sure?” I’ve never wanted to pee on someone, but I think that’s what I feel about Jo right now. The two head up the stairs to get Kailyn’s stuff that Jo has LOCKED in his room (what, because your mom is gonna sneak it out?), and then he gets all pissy with Kailyn when she wants to look through the bags and make sure all of her things (that Jo is holding illegally) are still there and intact. He gets pissier and pissier because she’s refused to sign the check until she gets her things, and finally, when they make it to the bottom of the stairs, everyone’s yelling, Kailyn’s totally freaked out, and Jo officially LOSES IT. Finally Janet and Eddie step in after Jo’s called Kailyn a bitch a couple of times, and Kailyn and Suzi head out into a thunderstorm.
Jo? It’s get out OF my house. Say it with me.
Thank God we close on a nice note in West Virginia. Leah and Corey pick up the girls from Jeff and Joetta’s but things are tense between them after their “big fight.” They talk it out, and Leah realizes that Corey believes that if they don’t get married, it means that Leah doesn’t love him. In the sweetest way possible, he gives her an ultimatum – if they don’t get married, then he won’t feel the same way about her. But the ball’s in her court. Man, even when he’s kind of a dick, I still love Corey.
Next week? Jenelle and Barbara yell some more, Ali gets her second opinion, Chelsea finally tries to get child support from Adam and Jo now scares the shit out of Kailyn. Loooooks good….