Teen Mom: Hello MTV and Goodbye Dignity

Teen Mom

By nerdia | Friday, September 17, 2010 | 11:00 am | 28 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: MTV, Recaps, Teen Mom

I’d like to give a shout out to my main man Flipit for covering my ass last week with a superb  recap.  But, sorry suckas, Nerdia is back and ready to recap the shit out of this week’s  episode of Teen Mom.

Amber

Gamber hit the dance studio with Leah in tow, to prepare for their wedding dance. Keep in mind  there is no wedding date.  In order to get the most out of the lesson, Amber is advised to  put on a trashy cheap dress so as to recreate dancing in her actual wedding dress. When Gary  proves to have no grace, Amber responds “I swear he is a viking”. Yes, he is a viking, from the  root “vik” meaning lard ass.

Meanwhile some woman with extremely large breasts watches Leah.

fatty-milk-sacs-9-14-2010

Leah is certainly accustomed to  fatty milk sacs, Gary is her father after all.

So Tons of Fun has landed a job, albeit temporary, so naturally Amber left her job to watch  Leah. Isn’t that what kennels for? And haven’t these people heard of an evening shift? Working  different shifts would probably be great for Gamber since they hate each other.  But, what  would poor people do with two incomes.?You can’t get 2 satellite dishes, can you?!.

So GarBear wakes up damn early and gets Leah up too. Of course we get more close-ups of  shirtless Gary, we even get a nice profile shot complete with erect nipple.

garys-nipple-9-14-2010

I wonder if Gary’s new job is Senior Glass Cutter

Amber’s pissed that Gary got Leah up and he puts her back in her crib screaming.

Later that day, Leah is cranky and screams in some crazy baby language.  I am certain she’s  saying “Please, someone abduct me”.

On her way to wedding dress shopping, Amber calls Gary at work to chew him out for waking Leah  up so early. She meets a friend at the shop and tells the sales lady that she was thinking pink  for her wedding dress because white means purity and she’s obviously a slut. The lady doesn’t  argue and Amber proceeds to try on dresses. She reveals to her friend that she isn’t 100% sure  she should be marrying Gary.

When Gary gets home, Amber is ready to tear into him.  In his 4 months home with Leah, he got soft.  He didn’t stick to Amber’s parenting plan that included daily beatings and verbal abuse. Amber tells him to get out and to gather his shit.  Instead of going straight for the pantry, he goes for the TV. Amber is outraged; she can’t believe how petty he is! As she forces him out  she tells Leah that her daddy is leaving her. I hate it when Amber makes Gary look like a good parent.

gary-9-14-2010

“I’d jump out of this window, if I’d fit. “

Catelynn

Catelynn and Tyler anxiously await Carly’s first birthday while April prepares to get out of  town.  Catelynn is upset that her mom won’t be there for Carly’s birthday, but April leaving  for Vegas is probably the greatest gift she could ever give Catelynn. Unless you consider fetal  alcohol syndrome a gift.

As April leaves, I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a cowboy hat, she yells “You know the rules, be  sure to feed and water the dogs”. Think of all the drama that could have been avoided if she  had just added “only anal” to the list of rules some 21 months ago.

Little brother Nick will be staying with Grandpa Joe, but  Catelynn and Tyler  look after him for a few hours. He gets his tricycle stuck and from a distance Catelynn yells “Pull it out!”  with gusto. If only she’d exhibited the same assertiveness with Tyler!!!

Catelynn and Tyler pay a visit to baby merchant Dawn to drop off Carly’s birthday gift. I love  how their “open adoption” does not allow them to know Carly’s last name or address. I suppose  an open adoption just means that birth parents need to be open to getting fucked.

Again they bring something completely inappropriate for a one-year-old, a locket with small  shards of “gemstones” inside. Dawn says it’s pretty as if she’s really saying “I can’t wait to  wear it.” Catelynn breaks down about her mom. Giving Carly up ruined their relationship.  I  find it hard to believe that they ever had a good relationship. Finally, Baby Merchant says  something useful.  She essentially tells Catelynn that her mom is a meth whore and to expect  nothing from her. She’s right!

Tyler and Catelynn call Carly to wish her a happy birthday. They even have cake to celebreate. So sweet!

Tyandcat-call-carly-9-14-2010

Does anyone else suspect Tyler is getting her GTL on?

Farrah

OK, the inkling of sympathy I was beginning to have for Farrah was entirely destroyed after this  week’s episode. We find Farrah dissatisfied, shocker! She’s beginning to think her apartment  costs more than its worth.  She’s further disgusted when she sees a a crippled mouse struggling  on the sidewalk. She threatens to call the health department.  Yes Farrah, call the health  department to report seeing an animal outside. I’m still waiting for Farrah to be officially  diagnosed with OCD.

Things are better with Farrah and her parents, especially since they provide her with free  childcare. As a result, Farrah is almost done with culinary school, she’s getting all A’s (must  have all male instructors). Farrah’s mom suggests she move in to their rental house across the  street. It really does make sense. Farrah resists, citing her first experience staying there.   She thinks the place is a dump.  The 3,500 sq. ft. historical home doesn’t meet her standards,  but it’s something to think about.While Farrah gets her hair did, she mentions moving in to the rental to her friend Kristina.  Kristina thinks it may be a bad idea. She probably just doesn’t want to have bail Farrah out  again. Kristina, it not your fault that Asians are dependable.

It’s Farrah’s birthday so she’s going to the zoo with her parents and Sophia. Let’s hope she  doesn’t call the Health Department when she sees all the animals outside. The second Farrah  gets in her parent’s car she starts complaining about the heat. Here she comes, good ole bitchy  Farrah! If I was Sophia’s dad, I’d tell her to take her seatbelt off and then floor it into a  tree. She then insists that something is wrong with their car and demands her dad pull over.  She’s surprisingly right, the car is leaking fluid. Farrah is outraged! She’s right, only a  family as fucked up as hers would have car problems.

farrahs-punchable-face-9-14-2010

Never before has her face been so punchable

There is no turning back for Farrah, she’s officially in bitch mode. It just goes to show how  much more therapy Farrah needs. The go back to Farrah’s parent’s house for a BBQ.  Kristina  joins the party and Farrah tries to get sympathy from her. Farrah claims that she tried to have  a good time, but her mom just “kept talking”. She was also inhaling oxygen, what a cunt!

Farrah decides to move into the rental house, but on her terms. She writes up the a rental  agreement for her mom to sign. When her mom shows her the house, Farrah is totally on the  defensive. It’s like she hears “Since you are a complete idiot…” before everything her mom  says. Her mom says “[Since you are a complete idiot] be sure not to put spoons in the garbage  disposal.” Farrah shows her mom the agreement and asks her to go back to counseling.  She agrees, maybe  there’s hope?

Maci

Poor Carrots! She still can’t believe that Ryan is taking her to court. He had plenty of  opportunities to be a father to Bentley before, why the sudden desire to be involved in his  life?! I’ll give you a few hints, it’s tall, hard to understand, and loves baby ruths. If  you’re thinking Sloth, you’re very close! It’s Kyle! He pays Maci a visit and she vents to him  about the sitch. You know he’s secretly hoping Ryan gets custody.

Before she tells her parents about her plan to move, she heads up to Nashville to make sure  that she can transfer. She also finds an apartment. Come on Maci, you gotta tell your parents already! How can this be worse than telling them that Ryan not only got it in , but also left his seed behind.

She insists that Kyle be there when she tells her parents.  Her dad won’t freak if he’s there. At dinner, Maci mentions she’s moving in passing and her parents are surprisingly quiet. After all that build up, I was at least expecting some domestic violence. Maci’s dad thinks it’s “bull crap” and wants to know how serious Kyle is because Maci needs the support of a man. Listen Gene, just be grateful that someone is interested in your “damaged goods” daughter. Let’s not scare him away.

But, from the looks of Maci and Kyle’s trashcan make out session, I think he’s here to stay.

trashcanmakeout-9-14-2010Kyle love Maci

About

28 Comments

  1. 1
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted September 17, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Welcome back Nerdia! I am on a conference call and had to cover my sniggling (snickering and giggling), so I wouldn’t get busted. I’ll be back with comments later when I am done with what some people would refer to as “work”

  2. 2
    uglycutie
    Posted September 17, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Wut were people bitchin about last week? This is the first time I read one of your recaps and I found you funny as shit! Mind you, I find shit VERY funny :)

  3. 3
    Flipit
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 2:29 am

    This is actually J-Mo, not flipit, but I’m at his house and he left his computer unattended, so his mistake, but I just wanted to say, as an admirer of fat boys, THANK YOU for the porn shot of Gary’s nipples, that is total wank material to a guy like me…

    love, J-Mo :)

    P.S. Keep up the good work Nerdia… :)

  4. 4
    MichyPR
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 4:14 am

    Ugh just wanted to say that I really think Farrah needs to get punched in the face more often. I can honestly see why her mom did punch her in the face because that girl is an asshole. She was bitching and complaining the whole time because her mom was talking, I mean come on! You can see that even if her mother isn’t the best in the world (that honor goes to Catelynn’s mom) she’s trying to make it work and Farrah is just making it more difficult. I keep saying that Farrah seems to have always been incredibly disrespectful towards her parents and if I had been that way I would have been toothless instead of having straight teeth thanks to my mom paying for my braces!

    Also, Amber and Gary suck! Was it really necessary for us to see Gary shirtless? *shudder* And Amber is just really immature and does not look like a good mother at all, cursing in front of the baby and kicking Gary out every week and then telling the baby that her daddy is leaving her when she is kicking him out. I laughed when he grabbed the TV and the sheets, I mean she told him to take his shit and get out and that’s what he did.

    Tyler and Catelynn are totally adorable, that is all I have to say about that.

    Maci, I hope Ryan doesn’t get anything because it seems he is just being jealous and petty and doesn’t actually care about the baby. Or it might be that his parents are pushing for him to do that but either way he doesn’t seem to care much. I like Kyle for her, he seems nice and he seems to like her kid so that’s a plus. She’s a good mom and I hope the best for her.

    Excellent recap, Nerdia! Loved it!

  5. 5
    ohralphie
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 8:52 am

    I feel for Maci, but am I the only one that feels that Kyle is only the first of many ‘uncles’ little Bentley will get to know? God help the idiot if she moves for every boyfriend she has. I used to think Maci had the best chance of making a good life for herself and her baby but moving for a boy is not only stupid but dangerous as well.

    Amber is a slag. Unfortunately Leah doesn’t stand a chance. That sweet little girl is bound to become an entitled, spoiled, unrealistic bitch just like mama.

    Farrah..ew. That is all.

    Ironically Catelynn and Tyler while having the worst possible childhoods are the ones that have the best potential for successful lives. I hope Catelynn is able to cut methmama out of her life and get some kind of job training that could make her financially independent of her family. The further away from them, the better off she will be.

  6. 6
    ohralphie
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Oh, and Nerdia — great job as ever always!

  7. 7
    Notabitch
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Great job with the recap, and I’m not one to shy away from jokes that are potentially offensive but the “If I was Sophia’s dad, I’d tell her to take her seatbelt off and then floor it into a tree” was taking it too far, even for me- considering that Sophia’s dad did, in fact, die in a car accident.

  8. 8
    Missy2sweet
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 11:42 am

    I’m pretty sure Nerdia meant to say Farrah not Sophia since the whole section was about what a bitch she was being and the fact that babies probably can’t unlock their seatbelts.

  9. 9
    uglycutie
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    @notabitch,

    I didn’t know that’s how Sophia’s dad died. Did they say that on the show? If not, then I would never had known. I steer clear or articles on these girls or Googling them for more info. Not sure if Nerida does the same but who cares. It was a funny line in the recap. I took it to mean that Farrah’s seatbelt would be coming off. But, hey, it’s TVgasm. If someone isn’t being offened, it ain’t funny.

  10. 10
    bahurupiya
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    The only enjoyment I get out of this show anymore is my fantasy that some stable and affluent viewer will step up and adopt Sophia & Leah before they get any older.

  11. 11
    Notabitch
    Posted September 18, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    It was said on the show- a few episodes ago Farrah received counseling & discussed how hard it was knowing that Sophia would never see her father, etc.
    I also assumed Nerdia was referring to Farrah but it still touched my (usually very low) threshold of a joke gone “too far”.

    Like I said, still a hilarious recap! It’s reading great mocking like this that makes watching the show possible (for me).

  12. 12
    sheesh
    Posted September 19, 2010 at 6:41 am

    I just got done watching this episode and Leah needs to be taken away from Amber…that little girl is going to be abused. I am just disgusted by her week after week. My heart aches for Leah.

  13. 13
    ohralphie
    Posted September 19, 2010 at 8:15 am

    @sheesh – I agree. Leah has no future, no hope for a normal and productive life with a mother like Amber. Too bad that Amber didn’t/doesn’t have the self awareness of Catelynn and put Leah up for adoption. Amber is a narcisstic slag but it’s Leah who will suffer from it.

  14. 14
    Anne McGill
    Posted September 19, 2010 at 11:30 am

    I wish Leah and Sophia would get adopted as Carly’s sisters. Come on MTV, do this one favor and save these two kids from their parents, grandparents and endless reruns with their Moms pointing out how hot they were back then between drags on their Virginia Slims.

  15. 15
    Former Teen mom
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 4:43 am

    Just to clarify: an open adoption at its simplest means that the birth parents pick out the adoptive parents; & the amount of contact allowed is agreed on between the birth parents & adoptive parents. It doesn’t mean that the birth parents necessarily will know the last name or address of where the baby is placed.

  16. 16
    Isaacsmamma
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 7:03 am

    Methmomma totally was not going to Vegas. She was going to stay at one of her hookups down the road but of course wouldn’t be ablt to say that in front of the camera’s so she made up the Vegas trip. I’d have to see the plane tickets to believe that one! I’m sure she was going to drown all her sorrows over the baby’s 1st birhtday with the pipe not a slot machine. Calling BS on that story…

  17. 17
    ohralphie
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 7:28 am

    Plane ticket? No way. Maybe a Greyhound bus ticket – but no way was she traveling by plane.

    I agree @Isaacsmamma, no matter where that methhead went, there was definately a pipe in her future. The only ‘winnings’ whe will be coming home with are a bad case of crabs/withdrawal/or both.

  18. 18
    Isaacsmamma
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 7:39 am

    @ohralphie—Good thinking but there is no way the Greyhound was even an option either. Caitlyn’s family live outside of Detroit Michigan so taking the bus would have been a week’s excursion if not more. I’m definetly convinced now there was no Vegas trip what so ever!!! Nice try methmomma…not fooling us!

  19. 19
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 7:40 am

    @ohralphie, I was thinking the same thing. There’s no way methmom went by plane. That would take too much money away from her addiction.

  20. 20
    Isaacsmamma
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Say what you will about Gary but you can tell that Leah absolutly adores him. Amber is a nut job and all you have to do is watch how her little girl reacts to having to be alone with her. Leah looked petrified. I thought it was so sad when Leah was watching out the window while Gary was leaving and bawling her eyes out. He may not be the most intelligent or best looking but just by seeing how Leah adores him makes you realize he may be a better parent than Amber. She’s a wack job. Leah acts out when she’s with Amber because she’s imitating exactly what she sees. I laughed when Amber was screaming at Leah to stop screaming…are you serious??? You scream all day long at Gary for no apparent reason. Why can’t your daughter scream at you because you are CRAZY

  21. 21
    Baxter
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Great recap Nerdia!!

    I know this has been beaten to death but poor poor Leah. Amber keeps telling Gary to pack up his shit or Gary always threatens to leave. Can you imagine when she gets older and understands what is going on around her how scary that would be? Not knowing if your father is moving out or staying.

    Does Ryan remind anyone elso of Jason Wahler off the Hills? They both have that pretty boy/dead inside look to them.

  22. 22
    sheesh
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 10:30 am

    I really hope when they have the reunion show it will be addressed that Amber has threatened Gary with physical abuse AGAIN (she raises her fist to punch him in next week’s previews) and advocates hitting their daughter as a form of discipline.

    I want to hear how that dumbass tries to justify it.

  23. 23
    giffordsaz
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Sheesh, they have a sort of aftershow at MTV.com. It doesn’t give much away tht is going to happen. It looks like Dr. Drew talks about each spisode as it comes along. Maybe they edit it after. But there is a small audiance of young teen mothers asking questions as well.

  24. 24
    sheesh
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Thanks @giffordsaz. I will have to look for it.

  25. 25
    ohralphie
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Yeah, Gary may be the better parent (but then by Amber standards a retarded syphalitic goat would be a better parent to Leah) *when he is there* but what does it say for him to leave a baby with that nutjob? He knows what Amber is like, and he knows what Leah lives with him when he isn’t there.
    Augh! It just pisses me off when men leave because their ex is a raving lunatic yet they leave their children with said lunatic.

  26. 26
    Isaacsmamma
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    @ohralphie–good point but in today’s society without the courts approval the father’s have no say in their childrens welfare unless they can prove the mother to be unfit. If Gary did take Leah when he leaves, I’m sure Amber’s crazyass would call the cops on him for kidnapping or something.

  27. 27
    ohralphie
    Posted September 20, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    She would – no doubt. But if Gary really loved his daughter enough to get off his fat lazy ass and sue Amber for custody — ah, who am I kidding? That is work, and if there is one thing Gary cannot stand it is work in any way.

    Garys mom seemed fairly normal. I wonder if she could sue for custody? Not saying it would be easy, but damn poor little Leah needs to have a chance at a life.

  28. 28
    Nicksmom
    Posted October 15, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    I think Farrah is a sociopath who has no conscience and only thinks about herself. Her parents do enable her to be the incredibly shallow and evil person that she is but all the same she absolutely disgusts me in terms of how she thinks and treats people. I wish her mother would throw her out of that 3500 square foot house and let her do everything totally on her own.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.