I’d like to give a shout out to my main man Flipit for covering my ass last week with a superb recap. But, sorry suckas, Nerdia is back and ready to recap the shit out of this week’s episode of Teen Mom.
Gamber hit the dance studio with Leah in tow, to prepare for their wedding dance. Keep in mind there is no wedding date. In order to get the most out of the lesson, Amber is advised to put on a trashy cheap dress so as to recreate dancing in her actual wedding dress. When Gary proves to have no grace, Amber responds “I swear he is a viking”. Yes, he is a viking, from the root “vik” meaning lard ass.
Meanwhile some woman with extremely large breasts watches Leah.
Leah is certainly accustomed to fatty milk sacs, Gary is her father after all.
So Tons of Fun has landed a job, albeit temporary, so naturally Amber left her job to watch Leah. Isn’t that what kennels for? And haven’t these people heard of an evening shift? Working different shifts would probably be great for Gamber since they hate each other. But, what would poor people do with two incomes.?You can’t get 2 satellite dishes, can you?!.
So GarBear wakes up damn early and gets Leah up too. Of course we get more close-ups of shirtless Gary, we even get a nice profile shot complete with erect nipple.
I wonder if Gary’s new job is Senior Glass Cutter
Amber’s pissed that Gary got Leah up and he puts her back in her crib screaming.
Later that day, Leah is cranky and screams in some crazy baby language. I am certain she’s saying “Please, someone abduct me”.
On her way to wedding dress shopping, Amber calls Gary at work to chew him out for waking Leah up so early. She meets a friend at the shop and tells the sales lady that she was thinking pink for her wedding dress because white means purity and she’s obviously a slut. The lady doesn’t argue and Amber proceeds to try on dresses. She reveals to her friend that she isn’t 100% sure she should be marrying Gary.
When Gary gets home, Amber is ready to tear into him. In his 4 months home with Leah, he got soft. He didn’t stick to Amber’s parenting plan that included daily beatings and verbal abuse. Amber tells him to get out and to gather his shit. Instead of going straight for the pantry, he goes for the TV. Amber is outraged; she can’t believe how petty he is! As she forces him out she tells Leah that her daddy is leaving her. I hate it when Amber makes Gary look like a good parent.
“I’d jump out of this window, if I’d fit. “
Catelynn and Tyler anxiously await Carly’s first birthday while April prepares to get out of town. Catelynn is upset that her mom won’t be there for Carly’s birthday, but April leaving for Vegas is probably the greatest gift she could ever give Catelynn. Unless you consider fetal alcohol syndrome a gift.
As April leaves, I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a cowboy hat, she yells “You know the rules, be sure to feed and water the dogs”. Think of all the drama that could have been avoided if she had just added “only anal” to the list of rules some 21 months ago.
Little brother Nick will be staying with Grandpa Joe, but Catelynn and Tyler look after him for a few hours. He gets his tricycle stuck and from a distance Catelynn yells “Pull it out!” with gusto. If only she’d exhibited the same assertiveness with Tyler!!!
Catelynn and Tyler pay a visit to baby merchant Dawn to drop off Carly’s birthday gift. I love how their “open adoption” does not allow them to know Carly’s last name or address. I suppose an open adoption just means that birth parents need to be open to getting fucked.
Again they bring something completely inappropriate for a one-year-old, a locket with small shards of “gemstones” inside. Dawn says it’s pretty as if she’s really saying “I can’t wait to wear it.” Catelynn breaks down about her mom. Giving Carly up ruined their relationship. I find it hard to believe that they ever had a good relationship. Finally, Baby Merchant says something useful. She essentially tells Catelynn that her mom is a meth whore and to expect nothing from her. She’s right!
Tyler and Catelynn call Carly to wish her a happy birthday. They even have cake to celebreate. So sweet!
Does anyone else suspect Tyler is getting her GTL on?
OK, the inkling of sympathy I was beginning to have for Farrah was entirely destroyed after this week’s episode. We find Farrah dissatisfied, shocker! She’s beginning to think her apartment costs more than its worth. She’s further disgusted when she sees a a crippled mouse struggling on the sidewalk. She threatens to call the health department. Yes Farrah, call the health department to report seeing an animal outside. I’m still waiting for Farrah to be officially diagnosed with OCD.
Things are better with Farrah and her parents, especially since they provide her with free childcare. As a result, Farrah is almost done with culinary school, she’s getting all A’s (must have all male instructors). Farrah’s mom suggests she move in to their rental house across the street. It really does make sense. Farrah resists, citing her first experience staying there. She thinks the place is a dump. The 3,500 sq. ft. historical home doesn’t meet her standards, but it’s something to think about.While Farrah gets her hair did, she mentions moving in to the rental to her friend Kristina. Kristina thinks it may be a bad idea. She probably just doesn’t want to have bail Farrah out again. Kristina, it not your fault that Asians are dependable.
It’s Farrah’s birthday so she’s going to the zoo with her parents and Sophia. Let’s hope she doesn’t call the Health Department when she sees all the animals outside. The second Farrah gets in her parent’s car she starts complaining about the heat. Here she comes, good ole bitchy Farrah! If I was Sophia’s dad, I’d tell her to take her seatbelt off and then floor it into a tree. She then insists that something is wrong with their car and demands her dad pull over. She’s surprisingly right, the car is leaking fluid. Farrah is outraged! She’s right, only a family as fucked up as hers would have car problems.
Never before has her face been so punchable
There is no turning back for Farrah, she’s officially in bitch mode. It just goes to show how much more therapy Farrah needs. The go back to Farrah’s parent’s house for a BBQ. Kristina joins the party and Farrah tries to get sympathy from her. Farrah claims that she tried to have a good time, but her mom just “kept talking”. She was also inhaling oxygen, what a cunt!
Farrah decides to move into the rental house, but on her terms. She writes up the a rental agreement for her mom to sign. When her mom shows her the house, Farrah is totally on the defensive. It’s like she hears “Since you are a complete idiot…” before everything her mom says. Her mom says “[Since you are a complete idiot] be sure not to put spoons in the garbage disposal.” Farrah shows her mom the agreement and asks her to go back to counseling. She agrees, maybe there’s hope?
Poor Carrots! She still can’t believe that Ryan is taking her to court. He had plenty of opportunities to be a father to Bentley before, why the sudden desire to be involved in his life?! I’ll give you a few hints, it’s tall, hard to understand, and loves baby ruths. If you’re thinking Sloth, you’re very close! It’s Kyle! He pays Maci a visit and she vents to him about the sitch. You know he’s secretly hoping Ryan gets custody.
Before she tells her parents about her plan to move, she heads up to Nashville to make sure that she can transfer. She also finds an apartment. Come on Maci, you gotta tell your parents already! How can this be worse than telling them that Ryan not only got it in , but also left his seed behind.
She insists that Kyle be there when she tells her parents. Her dad won’t freak if he’s there. At dinner, Maci mentions she’s moving in passing and her parents are surprisingly quiet. After all that build up, I was at least expecting some domestic violence. Maci’s dad thinks it’s “bull crap” and wants to know how serious Kyle is because Maci needs the support of a man. Listen Gene, just be grateful that someone is interested in your “damaged goods” daughter. Let’s not scare him away.
But, from the looks of Maci and Kyle’s trashcan make out session, I think he’s here to stay.
Kyle love Maci