Teen Mom Finale Special: Check-up with Dr. Drew has finally arrived. We have learned to expect a few things from these 2-hour long reunion shows 1. 45 minutes of commercials 2. 45 minutes of recap 3. 10 minutes of Dr. Drew referring to the large amount of stuff that needs talking about 4. 20 minutes of Dr. Drew asking the tough questions. We also know we can count on Dr. Drew to state the obvious, make a bunch of girls with preexisting daddy issues feel even worse about themselves, and drive home the point that being a teen mom sucks. Damn, I wanna be a doctor. While watching, I couldn’t help but think that this reunion would have been a lot more entertaining if Adam Corolla was there. Nevertheless, it is my duty, no, it is my honor to recap this recap. Oh yeah, sorry no screen grabs. You should know what these assholes look like by now.
Of course we begin with Dr. Drew’s opening remarks. He doesn’t want any horny teeny boppers getting any wrong ideas so off the bat he wants to point out that any happiness or joy the teen moms have shown throughout the season is just a facade. Having a baby has ruined their lives FOREVER, but really Dr. Drew is sick and tired of paying taxes to support these hobags and their bastard children.
Following the opening remarks, there is a recap of the whole season. I won’t go into detail here since I figure most of you have seen the season and if you haven’t than I assume you have been keeping up with my recaps. If you haven’t done that than you better be blind because there’s no other excuse. And, really, blindness isn’t an excuse either. You could have a friend read the recap to you or you probably have some computer program that reads text to you in a nice British accent. So if you are blind and haven’t read my recaps then you are just plan lazy and you should be ashamed if yourself. There is nothing worse than a lazy blind person. Anyways, after the recap and a brief update from all the teen moms, nothing is really revealed, we kick things off with Farrah.
Dr. Drew talks about how we’ve seen Farrah grow up on TV and how much of a rough season it’s been for her, but that’s not enough. Why not see for ourselves with another recap! The only redeeming thing about these recaps is that, for the most part, we get to see an inset of the teen mom watching themselves. Really, it’s mostly awkward. Dr. Drew talks about Derek and pretends like he’s coming to all these realizations for the first time, but it’s really just shit that’s already been talked about 1,000 times throughout the season. He also points out that he doesn’t think that it’s true that Farrah will never meet someone else. Seriously, does this shit require a doctorate?
He asks her if she ever explicitly told Derek about being preggers. This was something I had been wondering, I had heard long ago that she had never told the baby daddy, but figured that was just rumor after seeing this season. It turns out that she never did explicitly tell him! She has remained in touch with Derek’s sister Kassy, but that’s the only family member of his that she has a relationship with. I wish we could have found out more. Farrah does plan on telling Sophia about Derek, she has saved newspaper clipping about his accident and written letters about their love and how she was conceived in a mere 5 seconds. And now the question that you know Dr. Drew is going to ask, in my own words, “How are you going to make sure that your daughter isn’t a slut?” Farrah is going to be open and honest with Sophia, teach her about contraceptive, etc. Honestly Sophia, dick and vagina makes babies.
Farrah reveals that she isn’t dating anyone. She and the hairdresser’s son are just friends. Now it’s time for Farrah’s mom, Debra, to make an appearance. She seriously looks like she came straight out of 1986. WTF? She states that things are better and that her understanding the grieving process has made a difference. Previously, she hadn’t recognized Farrah’s behavior as grief and just thought that her daughter was a total bitch. Therapy helped her see that, but, right now, they are just too busy for therapy. I don’t care what these bitches have going on, they need to make time for therapy! Farrah reveals that even with all their progress, she still can’t get through the first week, meaning the first week after Derek died. Debra doesn’t really know what she’s talking about (yeah, right) and says it’s the first time Farrah’s mentioned it. Maybe it was the “Yay, Derek’s dead!” party that Deb threw? Farrah’s too busy going into her ugly cry to explain further.
Next, Dr. Drew asks about the domestic dispute and Debra explains that the whole thing was blown out of proportion. She was just going through some mail when Farrah came in, acting all crazy, and there was a fight and the cops were called. Farrah says that Debra was going through HER mail and that the fight happened and she just saw that she was bleeding so she called the cops. Debra was cutting onions with multiple knives, as one often does, when the cops came and they freaked out unnecessary. Whatever.
At one point, Dr. Drew brings up the scene where Debra reads from Farrah’s baby book and how hard it was for him to watch. So, naturally, we watch it again! When he asks Debra about it, she starts to go into a serious cry (now we know where Farrah gets it) and Farrah get’s all embarrassed. Bitch, are you kidding me? Have you ever looked in a mirror?
Dr. Drew asks Debra how she really felt when she heard about Derek. Like that bitch is going to admit to putting a voodoo doll in a Barbie car and setting it on fire. She says that she was just stunned and was, essentially, happy that she made Farrah cut off contact because she could of otherwise been with him.
Next up is Maci and guess what? She and pig face are back together! Trying to keep them apart would be like trying to keep diabetes away from Gary, it’s just against nature. But before, they bring Kyle out Dr. Drew is going to try to convince Maci to get back together with Ryan. Not going to happen, Dr. Drew. Maci wants to be Mrs. Pig Face. So they bring him out. They clear up some confusion surrounding their long “friendship”. Here’s how it breaks down, Maci had been a total dick tease to Kyle and ended up getting knocked up by Ryan. She didn’t even tell Kyle she was pregnant, he found out from someone else. Dr. Drew points out that this has made Kyle have trust issues with Maci. Kyle doesn’t respect Ryan, but it’s something they are working on, even though they haven’t met. Still surprised that they didn’t do that meeting on air.
Dr. Drew then wants to hear how they feel about one another. But they are too shy to tell each other, instead they tell Dr. Drew. They love each other, blah, blah, blah. But, Dr. Drew points out that Maci told Kyle that if they broke up, it would be for good. Maci is all “It wasn’t right. Bentley told me to get back together with him…” Dr. Drew then asks what Maci would say if Bentley wanted to date a 19-year-old with a bastard child. Dr. Drew seems disappointed when Maci gives a mature answer. He thanks Kyle for being a sucker and Kyle exits.
With Kyle gone, Dr. Drew starts to question Maci about Ryan. What did she mean when she told her mom that Ryan wasn’t a father the first year of Bentley’s life? Seriously? After a few minutes of rehashing a whole bunch of shit that was already discussed this season, Ryan comes out. They discuss their relationship and what went wrong. I’m not a doctor or anything, but I am pretty sure that it has something to do with being 16 and having kid. Ryan reveals that he doesn’t like being on TV because it makes him look like a “butt”. Maci asks Ryan if MTV made him tell her to get out of his truck and check the air in his tires when she was pregnant on 16 and Pregnant. She went on and on with additional examples and Ryan looked like a butt. HA HA! Dr. Drew chimes in and starts telling Ryan how deeply Maci loved him. PUH-LEASE. Dr. Drew seriously has a hard on for Maci and Ryan. Give it up. It’s too late for Maci and Ryan. Ryan still feels like it was selfish of Maci to move to Nashville, especially since she told him the day before. Sorry Maci, the butt has a point. Ryan reveals that he doesn’t think that Kyle seems like a bad guy and that he wants to meet him. Why don’t we make this shit happen then?
Catelynn and Tyler are up next. They talk about how because of Carly they now have goals. Again, a bunch of shit that we heard all season. Another recap is shown and Catelynn gets emotional when she sees the footage of them with Carly. But, she still doesn’t regret their decision. Dr. Drew then starts to poke at old wounds. He asks about Catelynn’s lying and where she learned it. A lot of this questions could be easily answered if Dr. Drew just watched the show. Dr. Drew suggests that they attend Al-Anon. Poor Tyler is so cute when he asks where it is. Seriously, no one has suggested this to them yet?!? An audience member asks what they think their relationship with Carly will be when she is their age. They see themselves as Carly’s distant relatives.
The time has come for April to grace the stage. They must of used a pound of makeup to keep the lights from glaring off of her massive four head. Being her usual ray of sunshine, she sits there and claims that she’s over the whole adoption thing. Dr. Drew’s all “OH YEAH? Let’s watch this clip…” You know what comes next. April is all “Well, we’ve come a long way since then.” She claims to regret saying anything mean to Catelynn. That’s right, April. If you are too mean to her, who is going to take you to buy Equate brand mouthwash so you can get your drink on? Catelynn is visibly upset by all of this and says that she just can’t understand how April can say mean things, she’d never want to say those things to Carly. April maturely responds by applauding Catelynn. So fucking awkward. Dr. Drew calls her out and is all “THIS IS ABUSE.” Catelynn doesn’t want things to be like this and April starts to cry, she doesn’t want to be an abusive goblin with attitude.
Dr. Drew then asks April who she has for support. You know she wanted to answer with “Jack Daniels”, but that would have been in poor taste. C & T get all upset because they feel bad that April does not get the love she deserves. Dr. Drew asks if she has ever considered recovery. For a split second you begin to hope that MTV is going to offer her help, after all they have been profiting off of her disease. But, instead, Dr. Drew is like “Well, you should think about…” Seriously MTV, how do you sleep at night? You awful, awful people. I’m not suggesting that you give away cars, but how about at least some pamphlets or something! Free condoms maybe? Anyways, there’s some home video footage of Carly taking her first steps and more crying.
MTV has saved the best for last, it’s finally time for Amber! I was seriously counting on Dr. Drew to rip her a new one, but instead he’s being all nice to her. Maybe he’s afraid that she will hit him? They talk about how Amber has never felt like a child because she took care of herself even before she had Leah. Being a teen mom has made life stressful and has made her feel like a lowlife. Dr. Drew is secretly loving it. He touches her arm and is all “You aren’t a bad person.” WTF? Yes she is!!! Dr. Drew is the worst doctor ever. I bet he has a medical degree from Haiti. Amber doesn’t remember the fight happening like it did. Dr. Drew keeps making excuses for her, “You blacked out, right?” Amber starts to fake cry. She keeps her head down to hide the fact that she is fake crying.
It’s time for Gary to waddle on out. Amber’s all torn up and just doesn’t understand why Gary would love her, he’s such a catch. The play THE fight and Amber covers her ears and cries with her head down. Dr. Drew is all “This has to stop.” No shit? Amber wants help, she’s desperate. She would advise teenagers to completely stay away from sex. Dr. Drew is loving this! The topic turns to Amber’s dating choices. She’s no longer with Chris. She must of been jealous of all the attention he was giving Leah. Dr. Drew points out that she goes for bad guys. Amber’s all “they aren’t as bad as me”. It is all clear now, Amber thinks she’s a worthless piece of shit. How does it feel to finally be right about something Amber?
Dr. Drew suggests that they see a professional for a very long time to break the cycle of domestic violence. Okay MTV, here’s your second chance to redeem yourself. But, instead of getting these poor bastards some help, MTV opts for a commercial break.
The special concludes with all the moms on stage with their kids. Here’s their chance to ask each other questions and give advice to other dumb ass teenagers that shit out babies. Catelynn and Tyler give Farrah all these props for how she opened up this season. Catelynn feels like Farrah doesn’t let it all out when she cries, she wants her to let it all out. NO FARRAH, please keep it in. Gary wants to know how Tyler got over Catelynn lying about getting it on when she was 12 and Tyler is all “Well, it’s all about Carly”. C&T also tell Maci that she’s doing an awesome job and show support for Amber. They are totally Dr. Drew’s favorite and everyone knows it. After the love fest, Dr. Drew plugs 16 & pregnant. MTV doesn’t want to prevent teen pregnancy too much because then they wouldn’t have anything to exploit.
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