We all thought the holidays were over, right, and we were free to move forward with the end of the world and bucket-listing and junk, right? Wrong. Thanks for the shitty timing, MTV, made even shittier by the entire lack of continuity in the episode. Seriously, if Teen Mom was a drinking game, and the object was to take a drink every time there was an editing flub then we would all be as hammered as I was on NYE, when I thought it was so awesome that I can pick up my squeeze, who is a dude and easily outweighs me by 70 pounds. Know what? It’s particularly uncool when you do it in stilettos and take out four people as you fall to the ground. Happy New Year, y’all! And I maintain that if he hadn’t fought it, I would not have fallen. Also, fyi, dudes don’t think it’s hot when you can pick them up. I should remember that, but hulking out is kind of my thing, so, whatever. Hey sailor.
MTV would have us believe that it’s still Christmas though, and that we’re not already half-way to losing interest in our resolutions. What’s yours? Mine is to stop speeding. I’m doing really well with it, but I realized the genesis of my need to speed was when I moved, a couple of years ago, to a house with a bit of a commute. Morning traffic is so infuriating, that I couldn’t keep a lid on it and just powered out and around all the a-hole drivers. I learned that this morning, on my way to work, when I had to put on some yacht rock and calm myself because this stupid Kia in front of my was going 38 in a 40. FOR THE LOVE OF MERCY, GO THE SPEED LIMIT!!!!
Also irking me a lot is how freaking boring these episodes still are. I mean, the babies are adorable, that’s true. Cuter than on the OG Teen Mom, in my opinion. But no lie, at this point in the season, and what are we, five episodes in? Four? At this point, I could pretty much write the same thing every single week, change some details and boom. Done. Next week’s a double episode and I already cried about it. There will be more tears, I’m sure, but for now, let’s pretend we’re not all back at work, and it’s still Christmas, and heck since it’s 75 degrees in Tucson right now, let’s also pretend it’s cold and snowy the way it is for all of our Teen Moms.
Chelsea hasn’t talked to Adam in a couple of days when he calls and they break down the most recent rager where he stormed out the day after her surgery, leaving her family to pick her up and clean her up, only literally this time since she just had knee surgery. Also noted, she is lounging about reading a Cosmo mag and I would make a blowie joke here, since the article she’s reading is about how to give great oral sex, but I’m pretty sure she’s technically under-age, so this is just r-o-n-g, wrong. Unless she’s going with the whole ‘oral is moral’ premise. The actual important thing here, is ‘take a drinky-poo,’ because the magazine? It’s dated July 2011 which is well past Christmas 2010, which is when this whole mess of footage was filmed. Although obviously, it was pieced together about four days before Christmas 2011, by some interns who wanted to gtfo and get home to party with their high school friends.
They chit chat on the phone and she’s oozing now that he’s talking to her again. She just gets worse and worse. Wasn’t there a time when at least after a raging fight she made him talk about it, and she listed off things he needed to do differently? Those days have come and gone. She requires no courtship of her favor toward him. After a fight where he storms out, leaving her alone and too injured in the knee to properly care for their daughter, he maybe owes her an “I’m sorry,” or better yet, a call later in the afternoon after he’d stormed out in the first place. It’s like two days later (allegedly – in real time, it’s seven months later, but who’s counting?), and he’s only now calling her to check on things and make amends, even though no amends are made. She just is so out of self-esteem and spine that no amends are required. ‘Call me to call me a fucker, but just call me’, should be Chelsea’s motto. He’s abusive and I can’t trust him, but he called me, so squeeeeee!
He says he left to diffuse the situation, but there is no point in this episode where Adam is fooling anyone except Chelsea and her mom, who for reasons I cannot fathom seems to be okay with Adam being around at Christmas. He did get a job, with benefits and everything. He’s need working for about four days, so that’s you know, inconsequential except that he currently has a paycheck from which child support can be paid and Aubree can have health insurance.
Chelsea asks her mom if Adam can come over for Christmas, and she’s okay with it. Chelsea’s mom…. Huh. I can’t picture her with Randy at all. Plus, she agrees to let Adam come to Christmas, citing that although she doesn’t like the way he acts, she understands why Chelsea wants him there. I’m starting to really wonder if Chelsea’s whole trip about being shattered and damaged because of her parents’ divorce is learned behavior here. Not only is her mom okay with Adam being there, but when he comes to get Chelsea and Aubree to go Christmas tree shopping, she lights up when Adam’s telling her about his new job. I mean, if you turned the sound off, you’d think he told her that he got into med school is how thrilled she seems to be that this punk, who treats her daughter like a jackass over and over, has been working at an actual job for a couple of days.
Ohhhh, a job…. that’s so nice. So you’ll still be coming around often?
Off Chelsea and Co go to the Christmas tree farm, where they’re greeted by a lady in a Grinch outfit. That happened. A big, furry, green snowsuit-type Grinch situation hands them a saw and tells them to have at it. Of course there are bubble-voiced flirts and cute baby on a sled parts, but the notable thing here is how fast Adam switches from being totally fine to being a total jerk. I have no idea how Chelsea doesn’t feel the way he snaps at her. He has no patience with Chelsea. They’re walking around the rows of trees, and again, sip up, buttercup, because she had knee surgery a couple of days ago, but she’s tromping around in the snow with no brace or anything? Riddle me that, Jokers.
Uh- oh! Baby Down! Aubree got stuck, and it was freaking cute!!
Adam quickly gets impatient and tells her that they are finding on in this row, and that is final. She tries to be all cute, like giggling out about how it’s a hard decision but his patience is already shot. I mean, no surprises. He has the patience of a housefly, and also looks like he likes to roll around in doody. Adam finally takes a hacksaw to a small tree, Chelsea teases him as if they were a normal, happy couple, and off they go. He’s pulling the sled with the tree on it ahead of her, and she’s all, “Hey!” He totally snaps at her. It’s painful. “WHAT.” “This is fun.”
Well, it was fun for probably the drive over, but as soon as Adam realized that he was going to be there awhile, instead of working on a truck or boning some other girl, he was done with it. I can imagine that when Aubree is less cute and talks a lot more, he will have about the same amount (zero) of patience with her. Either Chelsea chooses to ignore it, or it’s some dynamic she’s seen and learned to ignore elsewhere.
They take Aubree toy shopping, too and that kid is adorable even in her leopard print snowsuit. Chelsea hands her a big stuffed duck and she growls at it. It’s beyond cute. Meanwhile though, Chelsea keeps harping on Adam about how it’s working, she wants it to work, it’s better, it’s going to work, they’re working on it, she likes it, she’s proud of him for working on it… she also points out that when they’re in a fight, it’s hard, because her family is telling her how he’s a jerk and his family is telling him how she’s crazy and that makes it so haaaaaaaard. He’s all, “Yeah. I want it to work.” I wish Santa would bring her a backbone this year.
Part of it is her lack of spine is that she’s so hung up on having a nuclear family for Aubree, and having it be with Adam. I wonder if her mom just sorta lost it when she and Randy split up and Chelsea imprinted on that. I have no idea, just wondering. This obsession is so deep in this kid, and she refuses to acknowledge internally that it’s not okay to be hung up like this. I feel like she must have learned somewhere that it is, in fact, okay to be that hung up. Chelsea is really stuck on the fact that her parents are divorced, and she has to have two Christmases. Try having a mixed religion family, hon. I had Hanukkah and Christmas thanks to non-devout parents who did respect their respective devout families. Let’s party Chelsea; I will totally see your emotional confusion and raise you religious confusion. Still wanna party?
She and Randy meet at a diner and luckily, Journey doesn’t kick on at the jukebox so we know that Randy’s not about to maybe get offed. Not that I wouldn’t be totally happy if Chelsea’s scenes abruptly ended for the night right here. What? It’s good enough for The Sopranos, the most game-changing TV show of my generation but it’s not good enough for Teen Mom 2, the most…. something… tv show of… something? No wait. Hyperbole really doesn’t apply to Teen Mom.
For the love of Jove, by won’t she stop believing, already?
Sadly, the show goes on and Chelsea asks if Adam can go to Christmas at the Cabin. No. Randy doesn’t even hesitate. She doesn’t push it, but she does try to get Randy to understand that it’s not comfortable for her to look at Aubree’s life and think that at some point, there will be Christmas with Chelsea, Christmas with Adam, Christmas with Chelsea’s mom, Christmas with Chelsea’s dad, Christmas with Adam’s parents… the problem is that Randy does understand how much Chelsea hates it. Also another problem is that Chelsea will never ever take charge of her life and her kid and say, “Hey, we’re going to be at x, y, z for Christmas, and we hope to see you all there!” She wants to bring Aubree in on her traditions that she probably dug as a kid, but homegirl needs to figure it out that time? She marches on. I’d love to chair the same chair that my cousin Alicia and I shared to open presents for about 15 years of our lives, but she lives in Michigan and has four kids and I live in Arizona and also, we wouldn’t fit in the same recliner because we were pretty much out of space back in the early nineties, anyway.
Let Aubree’s reality be Aubree’s life, and make it great instead of lamenting what you wish it was. Of all these Teen Mom’s, Chelsea has the safest, warmest, more supportive environment but she just refuses to see it and own it. She refuses to let her wonderful blessings be wonderful, and instead is unapologetically humiliating herself by spending all of her time and energy throwing herself at this fucking fantasy she has that at some point, her family will be as perfect as she imagined it to be when she was a tiny child. Newsflash hon: Time to grow a pair instead of whining to everyone about how you want it to work with Adam.
But Randy holds strong. He can’t and won’t support her wanting to make it work. He reminds her that everyone wants to make it work. You don’t get involved if you don’t want it to work. Also, you only hold onto it when it’s working. You let it go when it’s not. I’m so relieved that Randy is being more hardline with her this season, and also that he didn’t get offed in this scene by some South Dakotan mobster named like, Vinnie the Elk or something.
Adam is a punk, and Randy’s got to know that once Aubree isn’t a snuggly, easy baby is about three weeks before Adam barely participates in her life. He must know that this kid has a hair-trigger temper and zero ability or interest in controlling it. At some point, Adam is going to snap and do something really effed up that will probably involve the cops, so no, Randy’s not on board here. Besides that he doesn’t need the cops sniffing around that ice fishing shack he has out at the lake, he’s a protective father and cops + your child is something no parent is really gonna be all excited about. And especially not when your child is Chelsea, who is clearly not that bright.
Finally, it’s Christmastime at Chelsea’s mom’s. Noted, many of them are wearing the same clothes that they were wearing in the scene where Chelsea and Adam go to the tree farm. Terrible, MTV, just embarrassing editing this evening. I’m probably even missing a ton of stuff. At La Casita de Madre, it’s just Chelsea, her sister Emily, their mom, and their babies. And a very cute pug it looks like Chelsea may have gotten for Christmas. Because Adam needs another thing with which to lose patience. Ugh. Don’t even think about the first time he steps on a dog turd. I’ll bet you anything that he’s the kind of jerk that will get overly-angry, forget he should have watched here he was going, and then intentionally track it into Chelsea’s house so she has to clean it up before the baby crawls around in it. Know this.
Adam does show up, and Chelsea sneaks off with her sister to get some girl talkin’ in. Chelsea tells Emily that she wants it to work. Wow. Really? I thought she was just hanging out until someone new comes along. Emily gets a little wistful and raspy, wishing that Braylee’s father was around for holidays with them. But Emily isn’t dumb, apparently, because it sounds like she’s also got a real winner for a baby-daddy, and yeah she gets the teeniest bit weepy, but she’s not trying to force Vinnie the Elk into becoming Mother Teresa, either. Learn something here, Chelsea. It’s hard. You cry. You live. Your kid is happier, and everyone moves on. Emily reminds her that it’s going to be a long time before Randy likes Adam. L.O.L.
They rejoin the Christmas festivities, with Adam helping Aubree open presents, and Chelsea saying, “Oh, she loves babies!” I seriously hope she’s already working with Aubree on prevention, because in Vermillion, SD where every other 17 year old has a baby, Aubree loving babies could be a serious auger of doom regarding Aubree’s plans to be Meadow, and not rely on her (grand)father’s waste management fortune in order to have the life she wants. So for the love of Jove, please, please someone stop Chelsea from encouraging Aubree to take care of the babies.
One thing I noticed, too is that the show moves in Teen Time. “It’s been working!” It’s been two days. Maybe a week. It’s not working. Nothing has happened that’s interesting enough, or enough of a conflict to have to do any actual work so who can say it’s working? It’s there. It’s untested. It’s not… working. It’s just that nothing has come up to test whether or not it’s working. Nothing has happened where the two of them have to put their heads together and figure out a problem. As we all know, the minute something happens, the minute there’s something taken out of context, or too personally, or too jealously, or whatever, then these two are back to square negative 50.
Kail and Jo share Isaac, as you know, but Kail is being dramatic about Christmas. Isaac must be closing in on being a year old, because she says there was no Isaac last year. Again with the timing thing and the crappy editing. We’re seeing footage from twelve months ago right here, and it’s being sold as if it was two weeks ago.
Furthermore, the filming must have been pretty non-stop for this crew, from their 16 & Pregnant Episodes through the second season of Teen Mom and I do appreciate that but still… there is a ton of manipulation at the fingertips of the editors, and it really makes me wonder why it’s so boring. I mean, if you’re going to edit something that’s so old and out-dated it’s impossible to be sold as real, then do it like the History Channel does. World War II in HD. I want actors playing the Teen Mom 2s and I want emotional fade outs of tattered pictures. Let’s do this right, MTV!
Kail meets with her counselor in the Valley Youth program and she tells us that she’s taking a couple of classes, one of which is a do-over – the chemistry class she dropped last season. Chemistry for Life. I wonder if it’s practical chemistry, like I dunno, understanding dry ice, or if it’s organic chemistry, like, carbon and stuff. She’s worried about being lonely at Christmas, and it’s weird that she has her own place and she loves it that it’s just her and her baby boy, but she’s still really alone and moreso since she won’t have him Christmas Eve. So much drama in the VYH, it’s kinda hard bein’ Kail-d—o-double-g. It’s hard out there for a pimp. Kail’s in charge of her life, now and she’s digging it, but yea, this is the spot where a young adult starts to shift and think about the idea of providing and responsibility a whole lot differently, regardless of how responsible or not they were when they lived at home, or home of baby-daddy.
I think Kail is getting some space to process things now that she has her own space. She’s finally got some breathing room, some stability from which she’s able to think emotionally and be safe doing it. She’s always been hustling. Kail gets a really bad rap for this, for climbing and for looking like she’s using people or not appreciating the people who help her. Maybe. But that comes from somewhere, and I’ll betcha where it came from for Kailyn was that she never until now had a chance to take charge of the ship of fools she had to endure with Suzy. Then she gets pregs and moves in with Jo’s family, who was great to her, but she still had that sense of urgency, of like, desperation because she knows it’s not ultimately her house. She can’t trust anyone; I mean, how do you blame the kid? Suzy, dudes and dudettes.
Kail seems like the kind of kid who stays wound up really tightly to make sure she’s got control of everything within reach, and she’s never had the opportunity to learn that other people will love her, just for being good, for trying. She’s always been problem-solving on getting to Tier 2 or 3 on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and now that she has those basic needs squared away to a safe place that she can control, where they aren’t threatened by Suzy or her own trust issues, she can expand a little bit and not have to hustle so much.
A friend comes over for cookie baking, and frankly, I wish this was my whole life. Now that we’re all back to the grind, I seriously wish my life was more ‘let’s hang out and bake cookies and talk about stuff.” Let’s go get our hair done and not have to go running back to the office or to the TV for Teen Mom! Let’s have a couple of hours to hang out with a friend visiting from her Peace Corps tour in Kenya and look at her pictures and talk about some global healthcare rights. No? Teen Mom? FML right now!!
Kail’s thinking about a letter to Janet, an apology of sorts, since she’s starting to be able to relax and see that Janet just wanted to help her. She sort of doesn’t get it all the way though; she seems to think that Janet should have been more understanding since Janet was a teen mom, too. She thinks Janet should have backed off a little and let Kail make mistakes, and however true that might be, Janet was being a mom to a girl who had a totally different experience with ‘mother,’ prior to Janet. Kail wasn’t gonna get that over-night, and neither was Janet. It takes time to learn another person, and to see that the nuances of someone’s personality are driven by this or that, any you know, taking into account motivation bring patience… and patience, well that brings change, or deepening of relationships.
Kail’s homegirl over there doesn’t think Kail did anything wrong, and that she was just living her life. True. But it doesn’t matter, and Kail is the one who understands this. It doesn’t matter if Kail did something wrong or not, the point it that Jo’s family feels hurt by her right now, and she wants to fix that. They are both so in love with Isaac, and these relationships are going to be there for life, so why not take that first step and say, “Ya know what? I see things a little differently now, Janet.” The best way to fix it is to take responsibility and tell Janet that she understands better what Janet was trying to do for her. She understands that maybe she was heading down the Path of Suzy, maybe putting her boyfriend ahead of her family by being so adamant about starting a relationship with Jordan while she was living with the Riveras and they were helping her get on her feet. Regardless of who is right or wrong in a question with the blurry gray lines this one has, big huge snaps for Kail deciding that the right thing to do is for her to accept some culpability, and reach out to rebuild the bridge with Janet.
She drops a sleeping Isaac off with Jo on Christmas Eve, and later Jordan comes over for their Couple’s Christmas. They have no chemistry. Maybe it’s the cameras, but maybe it’s the timing. If she’s realizing that maybe she jumped things by getting together so seriously with Jordan, she’s probably looking at her entire relationship with him and maybe isn’t feeling like they should put their hands in each others’ back pockets when they walk around the mall right now. Maybe she’s feeling a little distance. Plus, the show would have us believe that this is shortly after he acted like a discussion on birth control with his girlfriend was icky-ew-gross. She does tell him that she’s going to write a letter to Janet, and she tells him that she mainly sees that maybe she should have waited a bit longer to get involved with him. Jordan takes this well, and from very recent, very personal experience, I applaud his lack of ego-flex there. I know a 40 year old dude who was told, “I was thinking about things, and maybe I did rush in…” In no way was the person ending stuff, just talking. Dude cancelled plans with her the next day, and she never heard from him again. So Jordan’s inability to process discussions that involved the female reproductive system, hopefully he’ll grow out of. It seems like he’s a champ on some of the other things that make a relationship work, after all.
Yeah, I’m totally into you.
She asks him if he sees them together next year at Christmas, and he does which cutely relaxes her a little. Awww, we even get a sweet smile. They open presents, one of which for him includes a hat that says “FLY” on it. Oh my. Jordan is a lot of things, but ‘fly’ is probably not one of them. Also, it’s bedazzled, or sequins, or something. Seriously, I feel like this is more appropriate for Tamra Barney, or some other Real Housewife of Orange County, than for a 19 year old Teen Mom boyfriend, unless Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are revamping In Living Color, and there are going to be Fly Boys on it. Can Jordan dance? Omg, is he in a crew and gonna be on America’s Best Dance Crew? Now that would be fly.
The next day she picks up Isaac from Jo’s house, and she has the card for Janet with her. When she knock on the door, it’s a bright snowy Christmas day, and you can almost hear the churchbells. She tries to hand her card to Jo, but he makes her give it to Janet, who’s adorably teaching Isaac the Spanish names for things in the kitchen. … in the kitchen where it is clearly full-on night-time outside those beautiful McMansion windows. When Kail rolls in with her card, Janet is cold, cold, cold and kind of sighs out, “I have something for you, too Kail.” Also, Isaac can stand, but later on, he’s a squishy baby again, like he was earlier in the episode when the Valley Youth coordinator was doing her appointment at Kail’s house.
Kail and Isaac jam out; Janet opens the card with Jo. I reach for a tissue because I’m pretty sure I’m gonna cry soon. Kail says that she knows she and Janet didn’t see eye-to-eye, and she apologizes for her mistakes. She appeals to Janet’s experiences as a teen mom, and how mistakes do get made. And she thanks Janet. It’s so nice to see all of this growth from one of these girl, because y’all know it’s not gonna come from Chelsea or Jenelle. It’s just so mature and sincere. Kail had Suzy guiding her, so come on now, like she knew how to not hustles and hunker down, and be defensive toward everything. I love it that Kail can admit it and that she can put things into perspective. Janet admits that she wishes Kail had trusted her, since she’s Isaac’s grandmother and loves him, wants him in her life. She felt that Kail really pushed her away, and yeah, it’s probably true. But Kail was coming from Suzy, so… there’s that.
Janet’s back, yay! … but where’s her glass of white wine????
We end with Kail and Isaac back in her apartment, opening presents just the two of them, and it sure does seem like it’s daytime again. Oh, and Isaac is a pre-toddler again. I’m half expecting a TARDIS to drop from the sky at any moment. Suffice it to say that it doesn’t, and Kail’s story closes for the week with a very peaceful Christmas, all ’round yon virgin’ style, only… well, that teen mom x-mas scene was a totally different thing than this one, I guess. Too bad there isn’t like, some cows or some wise men here.
Last Christmas, Leah’s twins were still in the ICU so she wants to give them a Christmas as big and bouncy as her hair, but their birthday is right before Christmas. Twins, and a big huge Christmas/birthday celebration is pricey but contrary to every other episode where Leah is taking a few days off to be with the girls, she tells us she’s been working a lot. Who knows. Maybe three days a week is a lot for her. I guess if you’re not even twenty and you’ve got twins to whom you’re the primary care-giver, then yeah. A little work is probably a lot! She lands at her mom’s after work to get the girls, and tells her mom about the party for the girls’ birthdays and about Christmas. She admits that she has about $500 of toys on layaway for Christmas. Her mom calls her out on the fact that it’s too much for them, since they’ll want to play with the wrapping paper more than the baby dolls and tells Leah to not get aggravated with it comes to pass one Truth of All Babies, namely that they have no idea it’s Christmas. Everything is new for babies, hell, seeing the same toes every day is new for a good four months for babies so Christmas, no matter how healthy the MRI shows their brains to be, is new and they ain’t gonna get it. On the plus side, she and Corey are having their own Christmas morning, keeping it quiet and just their family.
Don’t worry about the money, Mama, the MTV money’s gonna be here any day now, and I have an Us Weekly cover in two weeks.
First, though, we have a birthday. Leah goes to pick up final things for the party, like the cakes. Okay. A Squish Cake? I went to a birthday party for a one year old about three weeks ago, the cutest one year old on this, or any other planet… and that’s including if there was a little tiny one year old baby Yoda. Baby Jack had a Squish Cake, and because his party was pirate-themed, the cake was black. FYI, black icing will turn a baby blue. I could gush about how cute he was all day long, and how at first he was like, “Wait… I can… do this?” And then he face-planted in the cake and didn’t even bother to use his hands. Oh son, been there, my little buddy. Been there, face-first in a cake, and it is awesome.
But my point here is, a squish cake? A totally separate cake that matches the fancy cake for the rest of the friends and family? What happened to the days when they put a piece of cake in front of your 365-day old face and let you have at it? It just seems like one of those that’s just one more thing you’re supposed to do or else you’re not cool and worse, your kid isn’t cool. Not that that matters, but I’m pretty sure y’uns all know what I’m saying here. It’s one more THING.
So the party is cute, and they have it at a kid-zone kinda fun place. We don’t get to see the babies playing, but we see Corey eating cake, all zoned out and shoveling it in. Been there, too bro. Fist bump. They open prezzies with the babies, and honestly, it’s pointless. Except until the end of the scene, when I finally felt like MTV was laying some groundwork for us on the shocker of Leah and Corey ending things. I am now dying to know how this marriage ended. More accurately, how it’s Leah who undid the knot they tied. She is literally beaming with joy here, in the kind of way that you know her heart is just a’busting with love and pride in her family. She’s radiantly happy to be with Corey and the girls, and points out how they made it work and they’re all together and it’s genuine. She really, truly loves this. There are lingering moments of eye contact, and everything. It’s real, you know. There’s so much that’s manipulated, but unless she’s an acting savant, she can’t manipulate the love that’s pouring out of her eyes and aura. That’s real.
Later on, it’s Christmas Eve, so after the babies go down for bed it’s time to get to wrapping. Corey totally goofs out here, about his lack of wrapping skills, and about how yeah, Leah spend a lot of money but it’s been a big year for them. They have been through some stuff. They have had to really work through all of their decisions and all of the circumstances that seem to just keep coming at them, so treating themselves by treating their girls to a lot of Christmas and birthday presents is a way to feel good, to celebrate that they made it. Leah even got Corey a Santa outfit!
The next morning, they go rouse the girls and Corey’s in his Santa suit, “Ho ho ho’ing.’ Does Santa have any other lines? I guess not, really. ”Have you been a good little boy/girl?” Either way, they’re one so their vocabulary and comprehension on conversations with Santa are going to be super limited to things like wide-eyed stares that are meant to convey, “Why is my Daddy wearing that white thing on his face?” Corey finally is allowed to lose the beard and hat. “It’s just Daddy!” “Don’t tell them that!” “They’re gonna know eventually.” I dunno why, but the timing and delivery on that exchange were really good comedy. I guess maybe it’s one of the few times that Corey’s mumbling creates an lol moment.
I wonder if Corey knows that this will be on the Internet FOREVER.
They walk over to the tree, and awwwww…. Leah is teaching Aleeah to walk so she says, “We have to walk.” Leah’s a good mama. Twins. And remember she was going a lot of the infancy on her own. I’m sure she had the same amount of help that a lot of people who live near relatives has, but since the show is so devoid of drama moments lately, it’s the ultra adorable baby moments that keep me around.
They all open presents together, but even after a birthday party, the girls aren’t real clear on how to open presents, so Daddy’s for sure gonna have to help with the duct taped one he insisted upon. And then they play with their girls. It’s such a sweet little family episode for them. Boring, but sweet. I’ll take it, since next week is a double-ep and I’m sure there’ll be a million things to cover then. For now, just, awwwwwww.
It’s a chicken/egg riddle with Jenelle and Barbara, it really is. Jenelle’s on a break from school and spending more time with Jace. Everything is going great, since now the term is over and the failing grades she got can’t be remedied until she re-takes the classes. She’s been at home for awhile (her word), which seriously is like two weeks at this point. Awhile? I did the math. It was a week last week, when she took Keiffer to jail, and now it’s a week that he’s been in jail. Two weeks. I guess two weeks is awhile when you’re 19, but now two weeks is like, “Oh crap, I only have two weeks???”
Jenelle’s starting to feel bad for Kieffer, like maybe she screwed him over or something. Gurl please. Screwed him over? I have had a Keiffer-esque boyfriend, and believe me, there was a stretch there were he had too be returned to jail. I may or may not have had something to do with that. But mostly likely, I did. Like Jenelle, I cared about a total smelly loser far more than was necessary. Now, that dude wasn’t even remotely as dumb as Keiffer, and he was not abusive like Keiffer either. But there were things he was doing that were out of control, and there were warrants, and I had to go pick his drunk ass up at one too many parties (or, I thought I had to anyway, at the time), so when he failed on probably the 17th promise to change, I turned him in. Sue me.
Anyway, she has a little one-on-one time with Barb’s squeeze, Grandpa Mike. This is Barbara’s long-term boyfriend, and he’s known Jenelle since she was a little girl. She says she feels like she acted impulsively and wouldn’t have filed charges if she’d cooled off and thought about it more. He balks. Me, too. Not once was I sorry. Homeboy needed to sober up. Jail is perfect for some minor detox. Trust me on that one, too. But that’s a different story.
You’re making sense, so your time for my attention is allotted. 1 minute on the clock, annnnnd, “Go!”
Mike tells her that she can’t be serious. Keiffer is bad, bad news. She was so cool and fun, but he has isolated her to the point where she has no friends. She has Keiffer, but that’s it. Mike rightfully reminds her that she can redirect those feelings but spending time with Jace. You can almost see Jenelle’s wall go right back up around her heart. She feels like she would spend more time with Jace if Barbara wasn’t hovering over him all the time. Maybe that’s valid, too, I mean I doubt that Jenelle can say “Hey, it’s really nice out,” without Barb telling her a different way to say it or see it, so sure, that’s irritating and really hard on the old self-esteem meter. But still, Jenelle and Barb never try anything new. Jenelle never tries a write her mom a letter, or pull back and get some confidence into her arguments. It’s all bluster, the kind that happens when someone doesn’t know how to communicate what she needs.
Plus, in Jenelle’s mind, Mike is right that all she has is this loser. But at least she has him, because in her mind, there isn’t a solution to restoring her friends and relationships when what she wants most is that one-on-one crush of love and being loved. Yep, this loser IS all she has.
So yeah, Jenelle may have a point, but she also doesn’t have a point. Barb hovers and is always around Jace? Well, um, that’s the nature of the beast. Barb is Jace’s primary care-giver. Jenelle has chosen that to be the case at least four times. Remember her 16 & Pregnant episode where she was talking to her friends and was like, “Babies are needy?” Yeah, no shit Jenelle. They require constant supervision. Babies require hovering – hey, it’s a mammal thing, you know? Jenelle is probably jealous of Barb, and I have no doubt that Barb is bossy and controlling. Barb is sort of sadistic when it comes to Jenelle. Those fights they have are terrible, and I don’t think Barb intentionally is trying to kill Jenelle’s self-worth, but I also don’t think Barbara has ever backed up off of things and done anything differently, either. Nagging and picking at Jenelle all the time, pushing buttons, it’s not okay. Barbara has plenty of call to make changes here, too and to do things differently. Don’t take Jenelle back in next time. Leave Jace with her for like, a half day on a regular basis. Give her the space to say, “I’ll take care of it.”
But that is a massive leap, and there is no legit reason why Barbara should trust Jenelle with the baby. While Jenelle can sense things are off, she just has no idea how to pull her head out of her ass and be the mother that Barbara, and probably the rest of her entire support system, want her to be.
Casa de Barb is having their Christmas a few days early, because Barb’s heading out of town for a few days. They gather around the tree, and I have to say that Barbara’s house just seems very comfortable. It’s lived in, but it’s cozy. Love the windows. I’m working on my house lately, and into these things. Sorry. I finally figured out the right window shades and it is rocking my yuppie-ass heart so hard right now and backsplash decisions have been made, like a boss.
I’d have rather seen more of Jace and less of Jenelle opening a Juicy Couture bracelet, and less of presents, but I’d also like to get $1,000 per episode and $2.5k for the Dr. Drew specials. Things hit the fan later on though, when Barb says, “I’m gonna get your clothes changed, Jace!” Jenelle was playing with him on the couch and she just… wigs out. It’s the kind of tantrum where it’s been building for awhile and had she said something earlier, it may not have gonw down like this. By the same token though, had she said something at all, it would have led to some kind of fight. They are both so dug in, that communicating anything sensitive is territory studded with landmines. Live ones.
She’s so pissed that Barb isn’t letting her be a mother, and yet she doesn’t say, “Oh I can get him changed,” she doesn’t take some healthy authority. No, she says something hostile, like “Why do you always take him like I’m not going to do it?” It’s an ugly way to start a fight. Jenelle just has no idea how to tell Barb what she needs, and Barb has no idea how to intuit those needs, or even what to do about it if she could understand them.
Jenelle is still in no way maternal at all. Literally, nothing has changed in her mind, her since she was 16 and got pregnant.
Jenelle’s so upset about how Barbara wants her in Jace’s life but then takes him to daycare and doesn’t let Jenelle watch him. She brings up that Barbara’s always around him, and Barb reminds her that yeah, no duh. Babies need 24/7 attending to so she’s going to be around him. A lot. It ends when Barbara takes Jace and leaves. Poor Grandpa Mike. I hope he has an outlet for all of this, like maybe a bowling league or something.
Once Barbara leaves with Jace, Jenelle devolves full-on into “Must. Get. Keiffer.” He’s all she has, and at this moment, her mother has just left with her baby, everything is in tatters, and she has not the first clue of how to start to make it work. She’s too much in a foxhole, and the only thing she can see out there on the smokey battlefield is Keiffer. Pun intended. She takes to her bed and starts dialling to find someone over 21 who’ll co-sign with her to get him out of jail. Nobody answers. She finally gets hold of her friend, Tiffani, and even this girl tells her it’s not going to happen. But she does pack up her own baby and cruise over to Jenelle’s place. They meet up in Jenelle’s Honda away from home while Jenelle’s still unsuccessfully dialling for dollars, or at least for someone who’s of age to spring her loser boyfriend out of county.
It’s just sad, really.
She explains to Tiffany what she’d explained to Mike, that she feels bad about turning Keiffer in, and she adds to it that she didn’t think he would still be there. She thought he would be out by now, but it’s Christmas and he’s still in jail. I’d put 50/50 odds on the fact that it’s actually September 2014 in this scene, given MTV’s funky editing. Tiffani, by the way has has more piercings on her face than anyone should be allowed with a baby. And her lip ring is as big as some of my chola earrings. Yikes, it is so only a matter of time before Junior takes a fistful of lip ring and pulls it. Hard. Riiiiip. That would hurt so bad. Tiffany, like everyone else who has ever watched a homegirl go down this road, tells Jenelle that Keiffer needs to stay in jail and sort out his head. This is good for him. It’s so telling that there is not one single person in Jenelle’s life who is on board with her staying involved with Keiffer, and so much so that there’s aren’t many people still in Jenelle’s life. It’s really sad when you think about it.
Jenelle though, in her twisted lover’s logic, is sad for all the wrong reasons here, and rather than go home and take a shower, and make some dinner for her kid to show her mom that she’s capable of being a mother, Jenelle to tries one more person to try to get Keiffer out of the pokey. She calls Keiffer’s friend Dan, and he’s not having it either. He’s pretty sure Keiffer would run, and he’s not going to be responsible for that. Jenelle hangs up, and dissolves into hysterics.
I dissolve into tears, too, but mine are happy ones because this boring episode is over. Jenelle wasn’t boring, but I swear if next week’s double episode (fuck you, MTV) is this boring, so help me I am going to write the whole recap as if Yoda I am. Seriously. Two full episodes? Also, for the record Rollllllllllllllllllllllll Tide!!!!!
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