***SunniSideUp is on break this week. Please enjoy your newest recapper as a sub, CannedGinger! Welcome to the family, girl!
Greetings Gasmii! I’m thrilled to be writing my first official foray into the fun world of recapping — one day I was reading this site compulsively to avoid hurting my co-workers, and just one year later I’m writing for it. Makes my Midwestern heart proud! What is a better start than 4 small town teen moms who can make Jerry Springer cringe?
Somehow I’ve managed to avoid the cesspool of irresponsibility and infantile behavior that is MTV’s Teen Mom 2 until now. After witnessing this mess first hand, I’m beginning to wonder if I have some neighbors on this show — didn’t I see Chelsea at the Wal-Mart last Christmas? This show whips back and forth between story lines to avoid the obvious: these girls are empty pools of boredom with occasional spurts of drama.
Previously: Chelsea talked her dad into a new condo while still unemployed, Kailyn can’t drive and has a deadbeat dad to deal with, Jenelle is a moody, Twilight, co-dependent bitch, and Leah has a twin with genetic issues but always has perfect eyeliner in place for the cameras.
Chelsea: Time to get a job, and she’s so dedicated — picking up applications at multiple locations while bringing her child and friend to the arranged job, some Tanning Salon gig. I’ve never personally been tanning, as I either look like a Red Snapper or pale Angelfish, but do most people get hired to work in tanning salons with screaming children in tow?
Yeah, we need the publicity so you’re hired.
Kailyn: My baby-daddy’s a deadbeat so I’m taking him to court. I don’t want him talking too much smack about me in school, so I’ll get a couple of fame whores in the popular crowd to buy me pizza and talk about what a jerk he is.
Leah: Ali’s gotten a positive test result, and Mumble Mouth is home for the day. He’s got a great idea for better employment: coal mining. Based on the fact that Leah never mentions worry about the safety of coal mining as a career (it’s one of the top ten most dangerous jobs, right behind Lindsay Lohan’s life coach), I’m wondering how soon these two divorce…probably by the season finale.
Jenelle: Damn, I can’t smoke weed because I have a court date! Damn, I can’t smack this petulant bitch across the screen! Apparently Jenelle has the emotional maturity of an 8 year old and the entitlement issues of a Hilton. Grandma spends time feeding Jace while Jenelle pretends to care, complaining about the nagging mom taking care of her child. Okay, Grandma might have a bracing shrieking voice that could shatter crystal, but she also has some valid points.
How can I get a job, go to school and still fit in 8 hours of sulking every day?
Are you fucking kidding?
You’re making me want to smoke more pot now!
Are you fucking kidding?
I don’t have a problem, I just want to smoke a bowl every time you talk.
Get ready for a rehab plot line, this isn’t Beverly Hills!
Chelsea: I’m busy decorating, no time for my GED. What’s a GED anyway? Is it like STDs? Anyway, the tanning salon went over their membership numbers and decided to hire Chelsea to boost sales. Chelsea gives the job offer the same indifference as her choice of frosted lip stick, and is starting…whenever…for some hourly wage she doesn’t ask…with no defined job role. Great future in that!
Pay, benefits, whatever. Do I get free tanning and bronzer?
Leah: Ali’s being fitted for some leg splints. Leah gets in another line about how inconvenient her current house is. Leah, I commute 2 hours a day to work and care as much about your inconvenience as you do about your soon-to-be ex-husband’s life expectancy.
Reach for that Mountain Dew, gotta get you on the pageant circuit soon! Diabetes won’t be a problem!
Damn, Ali’s too cute for me to mock much. Fortunately, Leah provides some ridiculous internet searching skills.
Series of tubes? What’s Skeletor Dyslexia?
I’m still so confused. Where do babies come from? Why is this mumbler complaining when I’m keeping my hair perfectly blown out? Why am I living in a double-wide?
Jenelle: Damn, I need to get out of mom’s house because she complains constantly! I mean, I play with Jace and he’s looking for Grandma since she feeds and clothes him. WTF?
I’m so excited about moving out. Really.
Chelsea: I’m going to emotionally blackmail my uninterested boyfriend tonight, isn’t that awesome! I also want to tell everyone about a job I didn’t bother to get any details about!
I’m just as disinterested as you, Adam
Kailyn: Jo the baby-daddy thinks that child support is unfair. Yes, so unfair. He could have a fantastic Bravo-style music career with that money! “I Am Real” indeed…
Jenelle: Bye, Mom, I’m moving out. Grandma’s just surprised to see Jenelle before 3am, sober. Jace can’t seem to remember who she is at all.
Who are you anyway?
Chelsea: Time to firm up my free babysitting. Too bad Mom keeps asking for little details, like what duties she will have, what it will pay.
Just promise me it doesn’t involve a massage parlor or strip club and I will be fine with it. I have low standards and no expectations.
Kailyn: I’ve hit the jackpot, $489/month for the next 17 years, and $89/month towards back child support! Kailyn’s evil plan to keep Jo’s amazing musical skilz muted is on track.
Isaac can haz diapers, Jo can get off his ass and pay.
Kailyn has this awkward ability to have adult conversational moments “I have bills to pay and need to keep my life on track”, “It’s harder in life when you take on adult responsibilities but still struggle with teenage nitpicking and emotions” but then she accents each one with ‘whatever’ or ‘I guess’, reminding us all that she’s a valley girl in training. I would love to like you, Kailyn. Learn to be likeable!
Jenelle: Moving out of the house, and Barbara is enjoying this just a little too much. Barb, dear, you know that the furniture she’s taking will either be 1) pawned, 2) sold, 3) broken during a fight or 4) burned for fuel when Jenelle graduates to ice, right?
I’m not just aggressive, I’m passive-aggressive too!
Jenelle continues packing, picking through her old love letters, Zig Zag wrappers and Swisher boxes.
This makes my lack of English skills more disturbing.
After displaying her high school diploma, grabbing all pawn-able items and setting up her room at the new apartment, Janelle is ready to ‘relax’.
Now we have something great to watch on ‘shrooms.
Leah: Mumble-mouth is at coal mining training, so this is the perfect time to call Ali’s doctor. I’m sure she’s absorbing all the information through her blush so Mumble can read it later. Mumble seems fine with that…
Why does she keep talking?
So, like, we have a year until we know what’s wrong with Ali. Think you’ll be killed in a mining disaster by then?
Maybe, yeah, whatever. Do I look interested?
Their body language alone is magical. These kids are going the distance!
Chelsea: Like, I’m old. Like, I’m tired. Like, I love Adam so much, but he could care less. Like, this recapper could care less too. Like, get the fuck over this guy before I decide to lock you in a tanning bed.
I’m so hot, why doesn’t Adam want to hit this?
Jenelle: I’ve made one positive step, so why not head back to her loser boyfriend?
Temptation, thy name is Facebook Mail.
What sweet poetry!
What, are you my mother now?
You are hopeless. Fuck you.
Y Kant Tori Read? Because Janelle can’t spell.
Let’s work things out so we can commit another Felony together!
Kailyn: A civil child hand-off at a restaurant during a child support battle is destined for good things. Kailyn and Jo argue, Isaac cries, nothing is resolved. They get to fight like grownups!
So ends this delightful chapter: Kailyn is happy about the money but Jo’s going to fight it. Chelsea wants to beat a dead relationship with Adam. Janelle continues to make bad decisions while Grandma raises her child. Leah and Mumbles pretend they have a sustainable marriage.
Next on Teen Moms 2:
Leah wants a new double-wide but Mumbles doesn’t want to buy a new house. Chelsea finally gives up Adam. Kailyn continues the subtle brainwashing she’s started with Isaac against his father. Janelle goes apeshit with her roommates.
Thanks for reading, and it looks like next week will be less of a snoozer. Just in time for your usual recapper, who will relish that crazy roommate battle for sure.
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