With a title like “Secret & Lies”, I anticipated an explosion of drama from this week’s Teen Mom. However, I was a bit disappointed not only by the lack of secrets and lies, but, also by the number of reconciliations . The episode should have been called “Resolutions &, Oh Yeah, Farrah’s an Idiot”
Here’s the rundown:
Gamber made it home from their Florida getaway. Amber was frustrated to find the apartment just as the left it, in complete squalor.
Home Sweet Home
Gary, on the other hand, isn’t bothered by the mess (perhaps “pig sty” is a more accurate description), as most fat slobs aren’t. However, Amber explains to him that “it’s a home” and, therefore, must be clean. I love it when Amber acts like she has standards.
Easter is here and what better way to psychologically damage your child than to expose them to Gary in a bunny suit (John Wayne Gacy anyone?).
If Gary was a serial killer, he’d definitely eat his victims
Seriously, this was hands down the most creepy thing to ever grace the Teen Mom screen. Here’s another pic, just for fun:
After the Easter Bunny freak show, they pile into the van to head to Grandma Carol’s for Easter dinner. I should note that Gary remains in the bunny suit and, yes, the van has windows. We haven’t seen Gary’s mom since last season and she’s just an unattractive. However, this time, we are introduced to her younger husband and Gary’s stepdad, Chris.
Man, you know it’s bad when Uncle David is starting to look good
Carol and Chris don’t yet know about the engagement so Gary changes out of the bunny suit for dinner. He’d look ridiculous wearing a bunny suit while announcing something as serious as a 3rd engagement to the same person.
Amber brings up the engagement and adds that they plan on getting married in FL. Gary’s family reacts as if she said “pass the gravy”…actually, that would have probably caused a scene. I imagine gravy is like mother’s milk to these people.
“Don’t touch my gravy, bitch!“
Things take a turn for the worse when they mention that Amber’s family will fund the trip. Clearly, Chris has a problem with that idea, not because he’s concerned with looking like a freeloader. He, for some reason, hates Amber’s parents! Finally some secrets revealed!!! Amber gets defensive and Carol tries to help: “He just meant he’s not comfortable with them because…” and then NOTHING!!! Either MTV edited something out or Carol started choking on her gravy. COME ON MTV! Give us the dets! I’m seriously hoping that the 2 were in rival Indiana hair bands circa 1986.
Amber gets increasing “irrate” (vocab point for Amber!). I gotta say, from an outsider’s perspective, it did seem like a a dick move for Chris talk shit about Amber’s family, especially if they are willing to pay for his loser ass to go to FL. Poor Leah watches as she sucks down her bottle of what appears to be either scotch or coke (hey, maybe it’s both) completely unaware of how fucked up her life is bound to be.
Amber leaves and walks home. Gary calls and insists she return, it was rude of her to walk out on the delicious sodium-filled meal his mother prepared by opening a series of cans. Amber isn’t having it and Gary drives over there to gather his and Leah’s things. Gamber argue and Amber yells “Never ask me to marry you again!” HAHAHA.
Gary returns the next day and, as if your TV is replaying every other episode of this season’s Teen Mom, Gary apologizes, Amber resists, and then there’s reconciliation.
Gary apologizing. Note Gary’s use of facial hair to give the illusion of a jaw line.
Things start off rough for Catelynn and Tyler this week. Since he’s getting access to her phone records (per last week’s agreement), she admits to Tyler that she attempted to call her ex 6 times, but only got through twice. I suppose these are the lies referred to in this episodes title? Tyler is livid and essentially calls her selfish. An argument ensues and Tyler storms out.
Later, Catelynn receives a disheartening text from Tyler. He needs a break. I kinda lost some of the hope I had for Tyler when I saw his text to Catelynn. Now, I realize “text spelling” is different from English spelling, but it is my understanding that the purpose of this is to shorten words and phrases. That being said, I forgive Tyler’s “becuz”, but I cannot, however, look past his spelling of “prescense”. Not only is this an inexcusable misspelling, but he managed to make the word longer.
Anyways, Catelynn would normally seek her mother’s sage advice, but her mom is in a “bad mood” aka “waiting for her hookup” so she opts to call her counselor for guidance.
Despite the uncertainty of their future, Catelynn and Tyler go together to meet with their Baby Merchant, Dawn. Dawn has new pictures of Carly. They have made Easter Baskets for Carly, chalk full of shit a baby would probably choke on (probably a good thing they didn’t keep her). Still, it’s a nice sentiment and really, like it matters? You know that bitch Dawn is just going to eat the Cadbury eggs and throw everything else out once they leave.
Tyler takes Catelynn home and she asks for a hug and gets majorly shot down! Tyler is still seriously pissed. He goes home and has a heart-to-heart with his crazy-eyed mother, Kim. They talk in the background amongst the above ground pool and a sea of children’s plastic toys.
White trash wasteland
Kim has some insight into Tyler’s anger. She suspects it stems from his daddy issues and Tyler is receptive to this idea and realizes that this is his issue, not Catelynn’s. He immediately texts Catelynn to apologize. They meet and Catelynn offers him her phone records. Tyler, displaying an amazing amount of maturity, rejects them, stating, “Trust has gotta start somewhere”. Then he litters.
Oh, Farrah, Farrah, Farrah. I hate to say it, but it’s neither a “secret” nor a “lie” that you are stupid. Farrah and Sophia spend there first Easter alone. Sophia is decked out in her Easter dress and bunny ears. When it becomes clear that she’s not having the bunny ears, Farrah wastes no time to snatch them up, put them on, and check herself out in the mirror…cough, cough, vain bitch, cough. Sorry, had something caught in my “dick canal #2”, as Farrah would put it.
Farrah’s friend, Kristina, stops by and Farrah attempts to clean, but she gets the curtains stuck in the vacuum. She tells Kristina how mature she has become after experiencing the hardships of supporting herself and Sophia then asks Kristina where she’s supposed to sign her name on her rent check or in Farrah’s case, draw a an “X”. She also shares that she wants to sell her car and upgrade to something with automatic locks, that way she can more easily lock Sophia in the car.
Farrah has a buyer! She just needs to wire $3,000 to them so they can arrange for shipping. Any reasonable person would realize that this makes NO SCENSE (that one’s for you TyTy). I’m beginning to think MTV arranged for this. If not, they must have some type of National Geographical code of ethics that requires the cameramen to not interfere with “natural selection”. Needless to say, she’s being scammed. She only realizes this when she calls the bank and inquires about the buyer’s check. After a series of phone calls (one in which she leaves Sophia unattended and she falls off the bed. Protect your head Sophia. Given your genetics, you can’t afford any head injuries) Farrah realizes her account is overdrawn $2,600! Bitch got played!
Farrah, learning the hard way…that’s she’s stupid
Maci and Nazi face (Kyle) are “kinda getting serious” (Maci’s words) so she heads to Nashville to introduce him to Bentley. Macy is very nervous about the meeting. She realizes if they don’t hit it off, she and Kyle aren’t happening. When Kyle arrives (cue banjo), Bentley hides. Clearly, the kid’s seen Deliverance.
“Hey Bentley, what sound does a pig make?”
Eventually, Bentley starts to warm up to him. They decide to go go-carting. Apparently, all of Maci’s blood is rushing to her fire crotch with Kyle around. It’s as if she’s taking parenting tips from Farrah!
Bad call, Maci
Later, Maci has Kyle change Bentley’s diaper. This feels like some weird rite of passage. You gotta get in my babies pants before you can get into mine! Maci starts to talk some intense shit and asks Kyle if he’s ready for “all this” (meaning her bastard son, in case you were confused).
HeeHaw can write!
Maci has a point in bringing this all up. However, I can’t help but think that Kyle is either a sucker or trying to win a bet. Again, where are the secrets and lies???
Bentley and Kyle do happen to share distinctively Aryan traits.
Does Maci have a secret?