Teen Mom: Stay With Me

Stay With Me?  Yeah right.  Nobody’s staying anywhere in this episode, and thank goodness because it’s time that something goes right in the Teen Mom Nation.  Naturally, it could only be righter if Rod Stewart was all coked up in the background, kind of wandering from scene-to-scene photo-bombing and singing some his mega hits, indiscriminently trying to get any one (or two) of the teen moms to be his 97th wife?  Now that’s what I want to see, MTV.  Hook a sister up, and I’ll keep watching you into my 60s, can you dig it?

Amber, if you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, just reach ou…. I’m sorry?  You’re Maci?  Okay then, Maci.  Do you want to get married?  Photo bomb! Do it (with me) for England!

AMBER

We open with Amber.  She, Gary, and Leah all spent Christmas together and it was really nice.  I guess Clinton is out of the picture, which is so weird, since I thought they were really gonna make it.  LOLololololololoolllololol.  No I didn’t.  Christmas was awesome and then wouldn’tcha know, like in the fine tradition of many a fine family, someone lands in jail right after Christmas.  No, it wasn’t Leah.  It’s Amber!  Gary’s breaking it down for us and for his mom, explaining that the State requires a 24 hour hold.  He’s upset that it took 6 months for the State to decide to charge her, and he’s insulted because, “it only happened a few times.”  Whoa.  Gary has totally given up, and he doesn’t even know it yet.

The Life (and Times) of Gary Shirley:

1.  Get super under-aged jail-bait sister of a bro pregnant.

2. Move in together and treat each other abominably.

3.  Get shoved against a wall by girlfriend closing her hand around your throat and followed by a smacking because you don’t answer your phone when she needed a ride.  This happens in front of her dad, and is broadcast on a popular TV show.

4.  Get back together with girlfriend, move into new place, treat each other terribly.

5.  Get shoved down some stairs and punched in the ear by girlfriend.  This happens in the hallway of apartment building, and is broadcast on a popular TV show.

6.  Go clubbing, get some Little Gary Time, and wake up hung-over to toddler daughter playing with Trojan Magnums.  This is broadcast on a popular TV show.

Seriously.  Gary is Over It.  Gary don’t give a shit anymore.  ”Ya know what?  I love Leah, I love Amber, I got hit a few times, whatever; she’s in jail – the worst part is she can’t contact me because of a court order.  Sue me.  I love her.  Sue me.  I’m drowning here.  His mom is taking all of this in, and just wide-eyed as can be because this has GOT to be awful to watch.  She says that she would want the State to take into account everything Amber’s done right, like following through on counseling and passing her CPS steps but also says they are going to have to do everything step-by-step that the State wants.  He is moaning about the no-contact rule, about how that will even work since Amber does have Leah a couple hours per week.  His mom finally says simply, “Well, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  I can’t tell if she’s just enabling him because it’s the best thing in this moment, or if she also has given up and has accepted that these two are going to be doing this back-and-forth abusive thing for a very long time.  Or maybe she’s just really tired of being part shuttle-service, is hoping they get it together enough that one of them could be allowed to drive in the immediate future.

The exact moment that Gary’s mom gave up.

I actually remember this on the news right between Christmas and New Years – my mom was visiting and helping me transform my little place where I live from ‘tiny shitty townhouse’ to ‘adorable modern dollhouse.’  I spent a good thirty minutes trying to explain Teen Mom, well, trying to avoid IKEA construction frustration by trying to explain Teen Mom.  When Amber got out of jail, there were cameras following her around.  She says it was local news, but that went straight to the Today Show.  See?  That’s what I mean though, where Amber is doing this reality show that’s I’m sure heavily edited and put together as a narrative.  Well, we know it is because we see hairstyles and clothes changing so we know that at minimum, the timing of events is edited.  That’s cool.  But.  Amber’s reality got blurred.  I will bet Rod Stewart tickets that she had legit reason to be so blown out during this time.  Her reality is that ACTUAL REALITY (dysfunctional relationship) would never have been questioned like this had she not been on the show.  There’s an argument, too that The Chili Man (http://shawn-portwood.blogspot.com/) has a point.  It’s not a full argument to say that MTV caused all of this.  But sure, I’ll take that Amber was not the healthiest person going into having her life be on television and I’d argue that she didn’t respond well to it.  Her choice to keep doing the show of course.  But really, no harm no foul on MTV either, because I doubt you can predict how things will turn out for anyone, let alone people you audition for a couple of weeks and then put on a show, that is so popular it gets a spin-off and that spin-off gets a spin-off!  I mean, there’s no telling, really.

Her mom brings her home to her place, and then goes to get Leah and brings the baby over for a visit.  ”Amber!”  I wonder if it’s a phase for Leah, and it also makes me wonder how Farrah would feel if Sophia started saying, “Farrah!” in the next couple of months.  Now that would be comedy, especially to Michael.  I tried to call my parents Bob and Cathy off and on, and every single time I was pretty sure I was going to be sent away to a sub-standard boarding school in a very cold climate, like a Siberian boarding school, before perestroika.

Amber’s mom picks her up after her 24 hours is served and then goes to get Leah since Amber can’t drive and can’t see Gary at all.  Amber mentions that, “Jail sucks.”  Amen, sister.  I hope Amber uses her free moments to hop in the shower.  I’m not exactly a stranger to jail, thanks to teenage shenanigans and shitty life choices and I can tell you that jail is gross.  It smells like gingivitis.  I’m more an immature dumb ass than a delinquent, don’t worry.  But jail does the trick here, and Amber is speaking really clearly.  She says that jail really gave her time to think and realize how much she has going for her, how grateful she is for the good things in her life.

She sits her mom down to tell her how she’s feeling, and my eyes did not deceive me, but Amber Portwood acted…. she…. I just…. Amber acted like an adult.  She spoke rationally, she asked for help, she said she doesn’t know where to start to clean up her life.  She admits that she hasn’t acted like the model person, especially toward her mom but she says very clearly that she needs her mom, that she needs help to make this all right for Leah.  She has more energy and conviction than ever.  I’m such an optimist, but I want so badly for Amber for things to work out for her.  She basically tells her mom that they both have got to get healthy and break the cycle of what I assume is some pretty hardcore substance abuse and some pretty hardcore self-esteem issues.  Amber totally recognizes that if she doesn’t take steps to make healthier choices and build healthier relationships, she is risking Leah’s own health.  This family has been through so much, and I’m sure that there is so much more that we don’t know about…. no lie, the Intervention theme just started playing in my head!  Tears for everyone; I want it to work out so badly for all of them (well, not so much for Clinton because he seemed kinda like a Romo).

FARRAH

Quote: “Arizona was a nightmare.”  Yeah, we all agree about that.  So instead, Farrah’s looking at Florida to be her new home sweet home.  Before Sophia, Farrah was wanting to go away to school in Florida and she seems pretty intent to follow through with that, even though things aren’t exactly going to be sorority bonfires on the beach and party trips to the Keys what with a two year old and all.  She sits down with Debra and explains that it was always her plan to go away to this unspecified school.  It’s whatever school is in Ft. Lauderdale, which I saw on the flight info in the airport scene.  She was always going to go there, she reminds Debra.  Debra thinks Farrah should go away to school, and should have that experience, but she’s hung up on the idea that Farrah can’t do it with Sophia.  It’s probably a natural feeling, to want Farrah to be able to have The Classic College Experience but she’s going to have to accept that Farrah’s college experience will be as a non-trad transfer with a baby.

Whoa.   Was Debra a Star Trek alien in a past life???

Farrah is awful to her parents, but I can kind of see why she’s feeling a little over-whelmed.  She can’t meet her mother’s expectations for her to go away and be an adorable co-ed who grows up in college and marries a Sig Chi astronaut with whom she later opens The Star Bar and Grille.  Which is an upscale Mexican-Ethiopian fusion joint that they hope to eventually expand into the San Jose area.  Instead of being confident and expressing herself, Farrah puts on her bitch face and nobody wins.  Debra suggests to leave Sophia home with Debra, and her heart seems to be in the right place here but she just doesn’t get it and Farrah is just not capable of explaining it so Debra hears it.  Time, I hope, will fix this between them.  They all love each other so much.

But.

She can’t really expect Farrah to agree to leaving Sophia while she flits off to school.  For one, Farrah and Sophia are really bonded and leaving her for any length of time is a bad idea.  For two, I get it that Farrah wants to be fully independent, or thinks she wants that.

I notice here that Michael comes in without knocking, or at least was quick and quiet enough that Farrah thought he did.  I’ve also noticed Debra making a big deal of knocking, so I sort of wonder if Farrah gets checked up on a lot, or if there was a time when that was the case.  Boundaries.  I wonder how much Farrah is fighting against them and if there is any weight to her feeling like she’s being parented down to a bit.  I can see how, and I’m not excusing her, but I can see how that might make her act like a dick.  She isn’t super equipped or accessible emotionally, so she may just not know how to act right about this.

Anyway, speaking of independence, Sophia’s free-napping on an end table and Farrah’s about to cut the puppy loose.  She’s tired of doody duty, and the diapers on the dog are just gross.  The puppy sleeps on clean clothes and honestly, if Farrah would lose the diaper on the dog, it would be a lot less offensive.  Her neighbor, an older lady just loves the dog and so in this decision, everybody really does win.  Farrah doesn’t think Sophia will miss the dog.  Michael’s trying to lecture her a bit, and reminds her that she has a lot of help right here.  She gets heated instantly and reminds him that she does take care of things, that she’s not incapable.  She’s hearing a message of inadequacy and he’s just stating a fact.  This scene is really illustrative of the language barrier in this family.  They’re hearing what they want to hear, which really isn’t gonna get them anywhere.  So many boundaries here, and the important ones don’t seem to be breaking.  Plus, Farrah wants this to not be a big deal, but on that count she is gonna be SOL.  It’s going to be a big deal; it would be even if it was two years ago and there was no Sophia and she was heading off to school in Florida.  And Farrah not getting at least that much of it is part why we struggle with liking her at times.

Sophia could not be cuter!!

Farrah drops off the doggie for a forever visit, and then she and Sophia hop a plane out of the snow and into the sun.  I’m so jealous.  I love Florida beaches.  Farrah does too, as she’s in a terrific mood from the minute they ditch her parents.  This time, the soundtrack is forceful on Farrah.  It’s all happy happy we’re cookin’ with gas now, kind of background music.  I guess it’s so we extra-know that when she says to Sophia that they’re going to settle in, she ain’t just talkin’ about settling in to the hotel room.

Farrah is loving every minute of Florida.  She drops off her application to college and then goes to meet with a realtor.  Sophia adorably reaches up to shake his hand, after seeing Farrah do the same.  Baby love!  That was the gratuitous baby shout-out of the night, ya’ll!  Farrah’s really feeling good about this.  It feels right to her.  She loves the condo that she’s considering renting from a Florida realtor.  It seems like not that awesome of a place, but we’ve got a story to progress here and the story is that Farrah’s Jane Q Teen Mom, looking to follow her collegiate, Floridian dreams.  They seem to include two-bathroom real estate allegedly near the beach, and I’d bet that she bought a little beach-front real estate.  Nothing fancy, a little investment she can hang onto  , but yeah I’m not totally buying that she was stoked to rent that place considering all the hella rad stuff she dissed in LA and the big house she was insulted by in Arizona.

At the end of the day, she takes Sophia to the beach and Baby is fah-reaked!  It’s too cute. Sophia isn’t liking the sand at all, so Farrah picks her up and walks her down to the surf.  But the waves are big, and even though Farrah’s got her, Sophia is not having any of it.  She not only yells for help, but actually gives the ocean a baby side-eye.

Sophia was not as into the ocean as Farrah, to say the least.

Farrah wraps it up with a call to Debra who hilariously tells Farrah that the ocean is dangerous and the big waves could sweep her away, even though Farrah is excited about how much she loves Florida and how she’s looking forward to going all Wide Open Spaces on her life.  When they hang up, she tells Sophia that this is the plan and they will both be so happy to get to live out their dream at the beach.  Sophia, remembering how uncool the ocean is, stomps her feet a bit and searches the far reaches of her newly vocabularic brain to figure out if she can say, “Hold up, Mama!  I was decidedly NOT happy about this ocean situation.  My vote is no.  Back to Iowa, please, and more chocolate milk!”

MACI

Maci did enroll in school, and then as the Universe is wont to do, she gets thrown a big ol’ curve ball when Kyle shattered his knee.  MTV makes it looks like it’s a dirt bike accident, but they never say that and we don’t see the crash, so I wonder if it was something lame, like tripping over the cat or stumbling on the shower ledge.  It’s snowy and he’s in Nashville with his mom, but far be it from Maci to step back for a week and leave things be while he has surgery and immediate post-surgery recovery.  Good thing this happened while he was unemployed!  No need to take time off work for this one!  Maci’s feeling a little over-whelmed to care for Kyle and Bentley AND to go to school, but it’s do or die with school.  The clock has struck and she’s got to make it happen.

Winter+crutches+toddler+school, and she did go to school  Credit where credit is due…. sort of.

She goes to coffee with a friend, and Bentley is having a serious moment of being two years old.  He’s got a truck in one hand and energy to burn.  It’s super cute, actually.  She reiterates to her friend that if she doesn’t get off her duff and make it to her long day of class in Chattanooga the next day, then she’ll keep doing what she’s been doing, which mainly is procrastinating and making excuses of why she can’t get herself in gear to finish school.  It’s even Kyle’s birthday, but she’s still going to TCB and head off to class because, finally maybe her Southern ‘git ‘er done’ gene done just kicked in.

Bentley’s having a Toddler Moment here in the coffee shop, and it’s adorable.  He’s really getting talkative, and he’s definitely got some expressions that are pure Ryan.  Can you imagine if she had another baby right now though?  I realized this past weekend that Maci is 19 or 20 and has already lived with more dudes than I have.  Fact.  I can see why Ryan’s mom would be a little wary of her.  She and Kyle may have known each other forever, but that’s so young.  Even adults I know don’t swing from live-in boyfriend to live-in boyfriend, and they leave well-enough alone rather than create added stress in their lives but tripping off to Nashville, even though there is school and visitation and it’s the dead of winter, which is less than optimal driving conditions when you have an invalid and a toddler in your car.  She may be doing very well, and they may end up married and junk, but it does not change the fact that she’s always on fast-forward in her home life.  I can absolutely see why a parent of a guy she’s dating or already has a child with would be nervous about her.

Bentley is alllllll boy!  He never stops moving, unless it’s dinnertime and he’s face-planted on the train set he doesn’t want to quit playing with just yet.

She’s feeling pretty swamped to care for Bentley and Kyle, but again, she doesn’t have to care for Kyle.  She’s choosing to care for Kyle.  Kyle has a mother who seems to be ready and able to care for him in all the ways you need a little care post knee-surgery.  Instead, Kyle’s mom ends up watching Bentley while Maci picks up Kyle from the hospital and bring him home.  She loves taking care of boys!  Man.  I have some friends who would love to have a Maci in their lives, one in particular is totally up-front that he wants a mother more than a girlfriend.  Once she’s got food, and she’s situated her man with his post-surgery drugs and a sockie for his cold toesies, she takes a minute to sit on the couch and stress about a paper while Bentley throws a fit.  I bet Bentley’s tired and ready to go home!

A truly great tantrum should include kicking the floor and writhing, but this one wasn’t bad.  Maybe a 7?  A truck was thrown, so that’s something.

Bentley’s being a handful this week, as he starts to head into a bit of a fit because he wants to watch something on the computer but Maci’s busy with Kyle and school.  Later, he’s playing with Kyle’s mom and gets something in his eye, so he’s a sad little panda for a bit until Maci takes care of it.  She’s really got a lot to take care of, but again, sort of not.  I get it that she wants to take care of Kyle and be there for him through his surgery, but sometimes, you gotta let something go.  There’s no way I’d be in Nashville in the dead of winter, trying to take care of my boyfriend (who has help form his mom), my child, and my homework.  Then again, I’m single and maybe I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe you’re supposed to wear yourself out and smother your mens so they neeeeeeeeeeed you, even though all you really talk about is how you’re super busy and need to focus on school?

I’d like to note that Kyle is easier to understand than ever this week, and I can only assume that the painkillers from his surgery have some kind of reverse effect.  It seems that if you’re already a big slurrer of speech, than have some surgery and take your pain drugs and suddenly, you will be the picture of clear, enunciated speech.  Who knew???

On Kyle’s birthday, Maci does have to get up and head back home for school and for the hand-off to Ryan.  Mad snaps for showing up, Maci.  She tells Kyle happy birthday, Bentley follow suit, and off they go to be responsible!  Her advisor is glad she made it, and I am too.  I don’t really like Maci, and I think she’s full of spin on the after-show and in the limited media that I pay attention to.  I cannot forgive her for being so disparaging about Ryan.  That’s a big deal to me.  There, I said it.  And it has nothing to do with Ryan being easy on the eyes; it’s because she’s relatively hypocritical (demanded to meet Ryan’s lady friend, but hid her live-in status with Kyle) and she’s smack talking her kid’s dad for stuff that happened years ago.  Not only that, but for stuff that I think it’s safe to say is pretty common.  Men don’t have maternal instants.  Men have paternal instincts, and those are a different set of skills.  It’s so totally normal for men to not be into a baby until it’s born, or to be trepidatious about an infant until it’s a little bigger and stronger.  Maci’s perfection trip though, does not include a stop at the Forgiveness Cafe, so I wish Ryan would start commenting publicly on her smoking in the car, or on her talking and driving while the baby’s in the back seat.

He may have been a slacker for the first few months but he’s not now and he’s Bentley’s father and she marginalizes that fact all the time.  I’ve said it before, but this behavior is far more damaging in the long run than Farrah being a hose-beast to her parents or Caitlynn and Tyler having a huge Carly blanket/wall hanging.  Bentley will see this stuff.  Period.  And then he gets to deal with being a teen or young adult and figuring things out for himself, possibly resenting her or Ryan or both of them for doing this frigging show in the first place.

But for now, Bentley is a super cute baby-child who loves his passey and his trucks and his mama and his daddy.  Ryan meets Maci at school for the hand-off and we learn that Ryan hasn’t taken the episode title seriously and he’s not stayed with his job.  They share a laugh about it, and man do these two have chemistry.  Whether they’re lightly flirting with one another or in the midst of a vitriolic fight, they vibe.

Ryan gets Bentley home and there’s a surprise!  A train set!  Bentley loves it so much that when it’s dinnertime, he chooses to lie on the floor, face down in protest that we’re taking a break from train time.  During dinner, Ryan’s family ’s is stalking about legal custody, and whether Ryan has mentioned his intentions to Maci.  he hasn’t, because he doesn’t want to upset her but his father thinks that the right thing to do is to say something to her ahead of time.  This is one of those things in life where you have to say something, but it’s not going to go well at all.  I can’t say I blame Ryan for putting it off.  Maci is going to spontaneously combust into a seething pile of self-tanner and car keys.  All that will be left of her is a black tee shirt and a wind-breaker, and before anyone knows what’s happening, the word ‘Bulletproof’ will be shot into Ryan’s man cave garage door.  All of Tennessee will feel the rage, I gar-un-tee it (Debra shout-out!).

Bentley’s having a rough episode this week.

Maci and Ryan meet for another hand-off and he doesn’t mention that she’s about to get served any day now, so she hops off to get her hair blonded and extended.  That, as has been noted in the comments, is not cheap.  Plus, she plays with her hair all the time.  How is she going to flip it around all the time if it’s got a weave all up in it???  She thinks Kyle will love it, because it’s long and blonde and that’s what boys like.  I wonder how many hours she spends in the salon.  I love a good hair day, know this but for a gal who is so over-whelmed she has to force herself to go to class, that sure is a long time to sit in a stylist’s chair….

All this new hair is REALLY hard to flip!

Once she gets home, we learn that Kyle’s on crutches for a few weeks, and then it’s brace time, and PT (pain and torture), and then he should be fine for 35 or 40 years until the wrenching arthritis sets in.  Luckily, he’s easier to understand when he’s all doped up so he’s gonna be a pretty fly dude once he’s in the home.  He’ll be the only one the ladies can understand clearly, and for the first time in his life, he’ll be the peacock rather than the pigeon.

Maci tried to flip her hair around some and makes sure they’re gonna be okay together, then heads off to the library so she can get some homework done while Kyle watches Bentley.  I hope it’s naptime for Bentley because dang, his energy level in this episode, combined with Kyle’s crutches and post-surgical haze could make for a very long afternoon.

CAITLYNN

Caitlynn’s in school, with Hip Teacher Monty talking about nuclear power, but Tyler just finished his first day of classes at community college.  He has more time than he used to, since college isn’t all day like high school was.  He gets home, and we see for sure that the new bigger, nicer, and yet less spendy place is indeed a mobile home.  It’s just a detail, not a judgment.  Tons of college kids go mobile, including pretty much everyone I know who went to SIU in Carbondale and me when I first moved to Tucson.

I dunno why I just thought of Roseanne and Dan Conner, but I did.  Huh.  Weird.

Tyler kicks it for a bit with their friends, and explains that he wants to go out more and have some fun now that he’s back on the track he was on prior to Carly.  He was always heading to college and planning to enjoy being a responsible young adult.  He went through the baby having and baby adopting and moving in with his girlfriend, but now he’s happy to be where he always thought he would be someday.  He’s high on life and practically glowing in most of his scenes this week, so party on, Wayne.

Caitlynn’s feeling the squeeze as Tyler’s now off to community college every day and on a totally different schedule than she is.  He’s right at the place he expected himself to be pre-Carly, so he is high on life right now, and loving it.  He breaks it to her that he’s going to go out, and Tyler is great through this scene.  He doesn’t allow her melt-down to affect him or change his plans to go enjoy something that he enjoys doing, but he also gives her the space and time to have her melt-down.

Caitlynn’s couch tantrum would have been so much more tolerable if Rod Stewart had wandered in for some chili and some chocolate milk.

She hates clubbing, and most of it is her insecurities working against her.  She doesn’t feel particularly sexy since she’s had a baby and since her figure isn’t where it was when she was younger.  Younger?  What?  When she was 14?  She doesn’t want to go because she judges herself against the other women, who in her mind are all built like Bethany Frankel and raiding Pamela Anderson Lee’s closet for coochie cutters and stripper heels.  But if she doesn’t go, she’s convinced that these packs of wyld hotties will descend upon Tyler and he’s not wearing a men’sgagement ring, so she has to trust him to tell all the teaming throngs of groupies, “Back up off me!  I’m engaged!”  Insecurities are a bitch, and I have no business judging her for this so, we’ll carry on here.  I could literally spend hours breaking this down, but then my therapist would be really lonely.

She admits that she’ really jealous and that she knows this is her issue, because she does trust Tyler.  But she can’t really get around it and he’s very healthily let her know that her insecurities can’t dictate how he lives his life.  She jumps to breaking up pretty quickly, and I have to wonder if there wasn’t more to  this scene.  It was a really long scene.  Now, I know that young girls can get pretty wound up and freaked out over their insecurities, that the tears and the sniffling is par for the course at times, but they have been together for basically all over their pubescent lives.  Why she’s calling up the words “break” and “up” over this is a little mysterious for me.  I get it that things are changing and she’s (duh) not feeling much stability; and I get it that it’s freaky when you first get out in the world and start accomplishing stuff because now you’re accountable to not fuck up, to keep accomplishing stuff.  But breaking up?  Hmmmmm…. I bet we’re not done with this yet.  They’re growing up, and it’s not unreasonable to think that they may eventually realize that they are becoming very different adults, that they may need to see about other relationships and experiences.

Rock, meet hard place.  Their conversation on this is kind of draining.  She may have been speaking irrationally, but deep down she may be right, so she drags him off to therapy.  I feel kinda bad for both of them at this point.  They can’t even legally buy a beer, but they’re running to therapy because Tyler wants to go to an all-ages night at a local club with a bunch of their mutual friends.  I’m sure the therapist is all, “Sure, I’ll take your money, but um, this is silly.”

Caitlynn’s crying in the car on the way there, and Tyler is just kind of in disbelief but reminds her to keep an open mind and hear what he’s trying to express rather than tripping on what she thinks she’s hearing.  It’s the very worst cycle, when one person gets needy precisely because the other one needs to spread some wings and try some new stuff.  The needier one gets more and more desperate on the inside, and the one who wants to fly for a bit feels dragged down and suffocated.  The root issue there is what they need to get at, and they sort of do after the therapist calms everyone down.  Their therapist says ‘like’ like, a lot.  So, like, it’s good to get these things like, out in the open.  Stirring things up, like, leads to like better communication and the more you, like, communicate, the better your ride through the rougher times.  Like, you can’t ever say like, things will never, like end.  But that’s like, true for any couple because there’s always that, like, possibility of things ending.  Like, thanks.  We feel like, twenty times better!

Tyler chose a popped collar for therapy; a safe choice, since they’re off to therapy because he wants to go out one freakin’ night of his life.

Caitlynn’s decided she’s gonna give clubbing the old college try, even though she’s not the one who’s in college right now.  Tyler picks out an outfit for her, and that’s kinda cute, because he’s totally baller in his Baltierra gear and does have a flair for style (love it or not, the kid knows what he wants to wear and creates a unique look for himself).  Also, it’s cool because at least she can be confident that her boyfriend likes her outfit!  It’s zebra print, if you must know.  Off they go to a club called The Bank, Shore-style in separate cabs for the guido/ettes.  I Googled The Bank, and it  seems to have closed in June, but it was a clubby club, with neon lights that aren’t beer songs, and no old dudes murdering Born to Be Wild on the karaoke machine.

Maybe if Teen Mom gets cancelled, Tyler can get a gig on ‘What Not to Wear.’  I’d watch that.

Carrying on at the club, they beat up the beat.  They’re not so much fist pumping as they are fist horn-throwing, some kind of metal/fist hybrid pumping.   Nobody in this far-too-young for Jersey Shore antics crowd does any Michigan Turnpiking, and I’m relieved.  Tyler and Caitlynn steal away for a bit of fresh air, and they flirt back and forth a bit about how Caitlynn is having fun after-all.  Awwwww.  She eventually hears Tyler’s jam, Ride It, by Tha Vill so they run back in to keep partyin’!

Clubbing is fun!!  Hey!  What’s your summer jam?

That’ll do it for this time!  Lots of build-up lately; I guess we’re still on the upwards arc of the show, at least I hope we get some pay off on some of this stuff.  Then again, it’s Teen Mom on MTV and so who knows.  Next week we could have a completely new story line for everyone, or maybe all the Zed Heads will get their wish and the Zombie Apocalypse will be keeping us too busy to be overly-invested in our dear, dear OG Teen Moms.  xoxo