Teen Mom: The Last Straw

Teen Mom

By PlathAddict | Saturday, July 23, 2011 | 1:23 pm | 27 Comments
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Teen Mom

Previously…Abstinence Only Education failed and left me wondering how many people deserved a punch in the face for even suggesting it.  Look, I am not trying to start a political discussion, but if you are going to get knocked up as a teenager, you should probably make sure that it is by someone who looks like this guy:

ryan-gosling

Not This guy:

teen-mom-star-gary-shirley-launches-t-shirt-line

Farrah has decided to put modeling on hold and get back to getting her culinary degree. So she puts her kid, Sophia, on the toilet and leaves her there because at least she knows that Sophia won’t be trying to interact with her while she uses her iPad. Of course the kid gets bored and decides that the only fun thing to do is play with the toilet paper. Toddlers and cats are really quite similar when you think about it. Except cats will always be cats and toddlers grow into actual people.

Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that cameras are filming this kid on the toilet? Just me?  OK Moving on.

Catelynn and Tyler are living together. Apparently Tyler’s dad, Butch, is married to Catelynn’s mom, April, and he has been in jail and is now getting out but there is a no contact order between them. Since it’s MTV and not Cartoon Network, I know I’m not watching Squidbillies but…

butch-baltierrasquidbillies

Butch is going to a halfway house and can’t be in contact with Catelynn’s mom. Only her mom wants to be the one to pick him up from jail even if her doing so will send him right back to the slammer. OK, this is a joke right? Maybe it’s not Squidbillies. Maybe this is like something out of COPS: The Trailer Trash Files.

Anyway, after some texting back and forth and April being all “I love him, I want to see him” Tyler makes plans to pick him up and convinces her to stay away.

Kyle is moving in with Maci. She really wants him to meet her baby’s daddy, Ryan. She wants them to meet up because her son has a birthday coming and she doesn’t want any drama. OK, I know these girls were teenagers when they got pregnant and teenagers are retarded (scientifically speaking- seriously, look it up), but how does that not equate drama?

So, Amber comes back from vacation with her man Gary and their daughter to a message from the police. Apparently Gary is the victim of domestic violence at Maci’s hands and she could be in trouble for it. See? Teenagers are retarded. That’s why you don’t abuse your man in front of a TV camera. Someone is going to make a stink about it and before you know it, police will be involved. That’s why I only beat my husband up in private, because I was raised right.

TeenMomAmberChoke11

While they discuss whether or not she needs a lawyer, and she is too stupid to realize that she does and that she is further incriminating herself on TV, their daughter is playing with the stuff she finds in the bathroom cabinet. I hope there is no Lysol or bleach in there, because they will have bigger problems than her beating his ass to deal with.

Listen, I don’t mean to offend retarded people, so I won’t refer to her specifically as such. Instead, I will say that she is what my mother would call “touched in the head, and not by Jesus.”

buddy_christ

Bitch battered her boyfriend with a small child in the house in front of a television camera, but she doesn’t think she should have to go to jail or have her child taken away. The boyfriend is so beaten down, whether it’s by her or life in general that he just eats his feelings (and everything else in the kitchen) as she bitches about how this is all about her and not about him. I feel bad for this guy. Not only did his girlfriend beat him up, she then says that none of this is even about him.

Farrah’s baby’s daddy, Derek died so she waits to find out about Sophia’s Social Security benefits.

Amber puts her daughter to bed and Gary’s mom calls to let him know that CPS is looking for him. Amber reiterates that even though she battered Gary, she still doesn’t deserve any punishment for it while Gary contemplates how much food he can eat to stave off his emotional pain.

Maci talks to her baby’s daddy about him meeting Kyle. She really wants them to meet before Bentley’s birthday. Turns out baby’s daddy wanted to have separate parties for Bentley. She is really pushing for some drama between the two guys. She really wants them to fight over her.  All the while, I keep wondering what the hell is going on with her skin under all of that foundation.

Tyler and his sister go to pick up Butch from jail. Butch, comes running out and hugs them and then kisses the dirty ass parking lot of the jail. I’m sorry, but that is nasty. Although it’s probably better than anything else he’s had his lips on while serving time.

pucker_up_darlin

They go to a diner and Tyler asks what Butch is going to do about the no contact order. Butch says that he can’t do anything about it but it’s going to be hard not seeing his wife because he has been in jail and is horny.

Farrah talks to a lawyer about the Social Security Benefits that Sophia is eligible for from Derek’s death. The lawyer is pissed because even though, Derek’s mom denied that Sophia is Derek’s daughter – which is why Sophia was denied the benefits, she wants visitation rights. It feels like some kind of blackmail scheme. Either that Derek’s mom is a straight up bitch.

Amber finally decides that Gary (or MTV’s production staff) is right and she needs a lawyer. They both have suspended licenses because of outstanding tickets and have to take a cab to the lawyer’s office – this is going to end in tears.

Amber-Portwood-Cries-Felonies-Teen-Mom

Butch is bitching about not seeing his wife because he is horny. Tyler is telling him to choose freedom over pussy. Butch thinks about it and agrees – for now. Because, as he so charmingly puts it, he is a man and a predator. That is not the smartest thing for an ex-con to say in front of a TV camera.

to_catch_a_predator

Bentley is hanging with his dad and grandma. They ignore him while he plays on a four-wheeler and talk about Ryan meeting Maci’s new man. Meanwhile, Maci talks to her friend Shanita about how weird it will be for the two guys to meet. She says she is nervous about it but her smirk says she is excited about the drama.

Farrah gets served a notice that Derek’s mom is suing for visitation. She calls her mom and she comes over with Farrah’s dad. And once again we see how retarded these girls are. Farrah’s mom recommends that Farrah get all of the documentation together and go see a lawyer. Farrah doesn’t want to do that, because in her mind she is right and that should be enough. She wants to ignore all of it because she hates Derek’s mother and it will all go away. She finishes this delusional logic by telling her mom to “grow up.” Then she storms off crying. There is a word for her behavior and I can’t quite remember what it is, I think it rhymes with smetarded.

Farrah goes to see her counselor with Sophia. How does she afford all of this stuff? Is her mom helping her out? She has lawyers, and counselors and boob jobs and is going to school. Where is the money coming from?

Her counselor recommends she let the courts handle it for her own peace of mind. Farrah seems extremely self-absorbed, but I do kind of feel bad for her that her daughter’s grandma is such a raving bitch.

Amber is stressed and doesn’t think Gary understands. So she will probably beat him soon. She bitches him out when he tries to comfort her. She has no patience for him and decides to blame him for her hitting him. She reiterates AGAIN, that she doesn’t deserve these “threats” from the police and Child Protective Services. She says that Gary doesn’t get it because the worst thing that could happen to him is he “might” have Leah taken away. He grows a pair for a split second and says that HE won’t lose custody. She screams that she hates him and storms out leaving her daughter without a second glance.

teen-mom-pop-gary

She goes to stay with her friend and complains about CPS wanting to take away the kid that she just walked out with even kissing goodbye. She lies about Gary’s part of the argument that she picked with him. She cries and her friend is sympathetic and tells her that she needs to call it quits with Gary. Because if a guy is going to get pissy with you just because you beat his ass and make him feel like shit while he is putting a roof over your head and raising your kid, you should kick him to the curb.

amber-gary-teen-mom-fight

Kyle and Maci go to pick up Bentley from Ryan.  They have this good ole boy conversation about tires and monster trucks and shake hands and suddenly respect each other. I don’t know.

kyle-and-ryan

Next week we find out why birth control should be mandatory for every teenage girl in the world.

PlathAddict

If there were ever a situation where in which I had to choose between cheese and chocolate, cheese would win hands down. I spend my days writing blog posts for the multi-housing industry and my nights harshly judging people who appear on reality shows. If there is the odd weekend in which I am not working, or feeling smugly satisfied about my lack of my own reality show, I will build a blog for my friends. Then, I will spend the rest of my weekend conning other friends, family members, and general acquaintances to donate their talents to help out. I am shameless in my love of free stuff, blue humor, and great or even terrible fiction. I tell my friends that I watch reality shows to feel better about myself. In actuality, I watch them because I am vastly entertained by the things people will do to be famous. When Flipit asked me to join the TVGasm family, I was honored. When he said that I would be paid in Cheetos and M&M's, I was totally in.

27 Comments

  1. 1
    P-Baby Walker
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    1. Great recap! The Gosling pic made me laugh out loud.
    2. I think you mean “gel” not jail.

    Keep it up!

  2. 2
    Tracy Lund
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Love the recap! But please. Like Amber & Gary really have lysol or bleach under their sink. Something tells me neither have ever ventured down the cleaning products aisle at “wally”.

  3. 3
    considerthis
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    What exactly is a no contact order and what in the hell do you have to do to have one put in place? Backstory please MTV. A horny Butch on the prowl should scare the shit out of every woman in the US of A and farm animals too!

    Whaaaamber has it so bad. You should be allowed to do whatever you want. I too was disgusted by how she just blew out of the house almost tripping over her kid on the way. Prison is excellent therapy for anger management issues.

    Get Maci to a dermatologist STAT. Her face is like the braille alphabet. P.S. Kyle is S-L-O-W

  4. 4
    CarolineJane
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    considerthis: The backstory is that sometime in Season Two, Butch and April were fighting and April called the cops and told them that Butch hit her. A few legal proceedings later, a no-contact order was put in place by a judge. That means that Butch was prohibited from contacting April (seeing her in person, calling her etc.). April tried to have it lifted but no dice. April and Butch continued living together, and surprise surprise Butch had to go to jail.

    No-contact orders are pretty standard in domestic violence cases and may be put in place either pending trial or as part of a person’s parole conditions. In this case I’m not sure whether Butch was convicted of battery or anything as it’s pretty hard to keep track of what he’s in trouble for at any given time.

    I don’t think it’s ever been definitively settled whether Butch actually hit April or whether April is a huge enough bitch to lie about that kind of thing. Unfortunately, either scenario seems plausible.

  5. 5
    kdognatl
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    @considerthis if I recall correctly, Butch and April got in a fight and she called the police on him. I don’t think it was ever made clear if the fight got physical, but I assume so since the no contact order was put in place. I believe they are not even supposed to talk on the phone.

    I can’t stand Farrah. She is spoiled, selfish idiot and I think the grandmother should get to have contact with her dead son’s daughter. I bet if she offered to pay child support, Farrah would act differently about her.

    No words about Gary and Amber, too obvious. And I was wondering about poor Maci’s skin. Girl, ProActiv.

  6. 6
    Tmurda
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    @considerthis- LOLOLOLOL!!! Butch on the prowel scares the SHIT out of me.

  7. 7
    Tmurda
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Oh, and STELLAR recap-btw!!! Well worth the wait.

  8. 8
    katie
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    I don’t understand why Farrah was denied social security benefits. The DNA test proved that Derek was the dad – shouldn’t that be enough? Why would he have had to acknowledge the pregnancy to his mom?

  9. 9
    someguy
    Posted July 23, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Really great recap.
    I agree this is all Gary’s fault, she was better off with that guy who worked al “Wally’S” and was on parole.He was cool.
    That Farrah girl sure is fun , how could not anyone love her.If you are a “Hair Model” I am sure you can pretty much afford anything you want.
    Sometimes this show like when Amber left her daughter is just crushingly sad.

  10. 10
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted July 24, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Plathaddict, your screenshots are superb!

    Farrah did a DNA test with Derrick’s sister that proved he was the father. I’m not sure how the grandmother could still deny paternity? However, they seem to hate Farrah because of her and Derrick’s volatile relationship and they go from denying the child to wanting visitation rights. I guess it would be difficult to cope with if the girl you hated had your son’s child after he died. Of course, it would be best to rid her from your life forever. But then you remember, she is raising the only child your son will ever have. So you swallow your pride and play nice. Hopefully, Farrah follows suit.

    I just hope the grandma can’t deny Sophia her SS benefits. Her dad is dead and child support is no longer a possibility. She deserves a fund to contribute to her upkeep; Farrah shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of responsibility because Derrick died in an accident.

    Amber is ridiculous. I’d slap her on camera and then look right into the lens and yell, “You know she deserved it!”

    However, I feel bad that her mom isn’t around. Seems the girls with the least amount of maternal support are faring the worst. Maci may have bad skin, but her parents will never let her down. She’ll come out of this smelling like roses.

  11. 11
    Katie
    Posted July 24, 2011 at 6:46 am

    This was a really great recap, and would have been even better if you hadn’t used the word “retarded”.

  12. 12
    sheesh
    Posted July 24, 2011 at 7:39 am

    The April ans Butch fight did get physical. I just saw a rerun and Butch was at Tyler’s mother’s (Butch’s ex) house after the fight and April tore his ass up!
    I don’t know if Butch hit her or if he was defending himself, but he pissed off April and she called the cops.

    I want Amber to leave Gary and Leah (I will adopt Leah!) and go settler down with a nice Irish Traveller. Bitch needs to learn to clean and she could get into all of the brawls she wants to sate her blood lust. Freak.

    Farrah is a bitch.

  13. 13
    mere2142
    Posted July 24, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Plath – yay! So happy to have you recapping this train wreck. The screen shot of Butch and the cartoon was so right on!

    Gary is a battered wife – Amber treats him like crap, beats him and breaks up with him any other minute but he continues to come back to her.

    SO let me get this straight? Farrah takes out a loan to get boobs to help her modeling career, goes on one job and decides she doesn’t want to model anymore? God she is the biggest spoiled brat!! That being said, if the DNA test proved Derrick was the father, who cares what the mother has to say. Isn’t scientific evidence more compelling than a bitter grandmother’s word?? And Derrick’s Dad accepts Sophia as the daughter – can’t he call SSA and help her out?

  14. 14
    Elmstreet
    Posted July 24, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I still don’t like Ryan, but I have to give him credit for his sudden maturity. I’m expecting him to do away with my goodwill with some stupid action any day now…

  15. 15
    BummerDude
    Posted July 24, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Good job, but i miss the old recapper…this one seemed kind of forced and a little rushed…i know i know “if you can do it better, do it yourself” no thanks. and people can be stupid without being “retarded”.

  16. 16
    TabWhit
    Posted July 24, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Does anyone remember Farrah’s original “16 and Pregnant” episode when all errrrrrrrbody wanted to talk about was Derrick being mean to her? I distinctly remember her talking about how possesive he was, and how her family wanted her away from him. She didn’t even want him to know she was pregnant.

    Fast forward to now, and that story line seems to be a bit of forgotten…

  17. 17
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Amber need to accept responsiblity for hitting Gary. Even if she thinks that Gary is annoying etc, there’s no reason for the violence. When she kick him when he was on the stairs that could have had a tragic ending.

    I agree with the commenter that said Gary is a battered wife. He needs to get out of that relationship quick.

    My brother and I were just discussing how mature Ryan has been this season. I am glad he’s on board now with the raising of Bentley.

    I mentioned this in the forums, but Farrah is a brat. She will need a lawyer to contest the issue with the social security, because of course she doesn’t know the law well enough to defend herself.

  18. 18
    MakMck
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 9:26 am

    I love Teen Mom but this whole Amber/Gary storyline makes me REALLY uncomfortable. She’s physically and emotionally abusive – it’s sickening to watch. It’s not young struggling teens – it’s ABUSE! I feel like it’s such a serious issue that is being played out in a wholly inappropriate forum

  19. 19
    Liz
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

    I thought it was really unfair that Maci told Kyle he was more of a dad to Bentley than Ryan. For as long as Kyle has been around Ryan has been fighting to get more time with Bentley. The only reason Kyle sees him more is because she moved away to be with him. Totally not Ryan’s fault.

    Also, I think if you don’t put the baby daddy’s name on the birth certificate then they don’t have legal parental rights but they also don’t owe child support. Or something like that. Maybe it’s a similar kind of thing with SS?

  20. 20
    Moli Moli
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 11:22 am

    retarded: slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress

    Welp Plath…you got it correct.
    Nothing about with show screams even average intelligence.

    I feel so sorry for Gary, who beats on their boyfriend like that? Does anyone know/understand why Farrah isn’t able to get child support? I thought that if paterinity is proven through DNA testing than you would recieve it. How can you be a proven child, but are denied your birthright?

  21. 21
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    @BummerDude: Stop being such a retard, huh?

  22. 22
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Quandary: Do I use Early, Amber choking Gary, or Buddy Love as my desktop?

  23. 23
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    “@BummerDude: Stop being such a retard, huh?” That’s your second classic line in a few days NWMTV

    I vote Amber choking Gary.

  24. 24
    Liz
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    I feel bad for Gary because no one deserves to get hit. But I have to say he’s also a total a-hole, so he and Amber are nearly perfect for each other. They got in a fight an episode or two ago, and he just casually told Amber he’d take Leah away from her. What a dick move! Neither of them seem very good for that kid. She always seems so stressed out! Poor little thing.

  25. 25
    Guest
    Posted August 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Has Tvgasm stopped recapping this show? I was just watching the new episode and came looking for the recap of the last one…but no luck. I hope they haven’t given up!

  26. 26
    Flipit
    Posted August 3, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    We lost the first recapper! Plath Addict is working on the episode you’re looking for now, and next week we will have a brand new recapper. She’s great, so stay tuned.

  27. 27
    T-Mo
    Posted August 4, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Awesome! Thanks Flipit, I can’t wait to read the next one!

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.