Previously…Abstinence Only Education failed and left me wondering how many people deserved a punch in the face for even suggesting it. Look, I am not trying to start a political discussion, but if you are going to get knocked up as a teenager, you should probably make sure that it is by someone who looks like this guy:
Not This guy:
Farrah has decided to put modeling on hold and get back to getting her culinary degree. So she puts her kid, Sophia, on the toilet and leaves her there because at least she knows that Sophia won’t be trying to interact with her while she uses her iPad. Of course the kid gets bored and decides that the only fun thing to do is play with the toilet paper. Toddlers and cats are really quite similar when you think about it. Except cats will always be cats and toddlers grow into actual people.
Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that cameras are filming this kid on the toilet? Just me? OK Moving on.
Catelynn and Tyler are living together. Apparently Tyler’s dad, Butch, is married to Catelynn’s mom, April, and he has been in jail and is now getting out but there is a no contact order between them. Since it’s MTV and not Cartoon Network, I know I’m not watching Squidbillies but…
Butch is going to a halfway house and can’t be in contact with Catelynn’s mom. Only her mom wants to be the one to pick him up from jail even if her doing so will send him right back to the slammer. OK, this is a joke right? Maybe it’s not Squidbillies. Maybe this is like something out of COPS: The Trailer Trash Files.
Anyway, after some texting back and forth and April being all “I love him, I want to see him” Tyler makes plans to pick him up and convinces her to stay away.
Kyle is moving in with Maci. She really wants him to meet her baby’s daddy, Ryan. She wants them to meet up because her son has a birthday coming and she doesn’t want any drama. OK, I know these girls were teenagers when they got pregnant and teenagers are retarded (scientifically speaking- seriously, look it up), but how does that not equate drama?
So, Amber comes back from vacation with her man Gary and their daughter to a message from the police. Apparently Gary is the victim of domestic violence at Maci’s hands and she could be in trouble for it. See? Teenagers are retarded. That’s why you don’t abuse your man in front of a TV camera. Someone is going to make a stink about it and before you know it, police will be involved. That’s why I only beat my husband up in private, because I was raised right.
While they discuss whether or not she needs a lawyer, and she is too stupid to realize that she does and that she is further incriminating herself on TV, their daughter is playing with the stuff she finds in the bathroom cabinet. I hope there is no Lysol or bleach in there, because they will have bigger problems than her beating his ass to deal with.
Listen, I don’t mean to offend retarded people, so I won’t refer to her specifically as such. Instead, I will say that she is what my mother would call “touched in the head, and not by Jesus.”
Bitch battered her boyfriend with a small child in the house in front of a television camera, but she doesn’t think she should have to go to jail or have her child taken away. The boyfriend is so beaten down, whether it’s by her or life in general that he just eats his feelings (and everything else in the kitchen) as she bitches about how this is all about her and not about him. I feel bad for this guy. Not only did his girlfriend beat him up, she then says that none of this is even about him.
Farrah’s baby’s daddy, Derek died so she waits to find out about Sophia’s Social Security benefits.
Amber puts her daughter to bed and Gary’s mom calls to let him know that CPS is looking for him. Amber reiterates that even though she battered Gary, she still doesn’t deserve any punishment for it while Gary contemplates how much food he can eat to stave off his emotional pain.
Maci talks to her baby’s daddy about him meeting Kyle. She really wants them to meet before Bentley’s birthday. Turns out baby’s daddy wanted to have separate parties for Bentley. She is really pushing for some drama between the two guys. She really wants them to fight over her. All the while, I keep wondering what the hell is going on with her skin under all of that foundation.
Tyler and his sister go to pick up Butch from jail. Butch, comes running out and hugs them and then kisses the dirty ass parking lot of the jail. I’m sorry, but that is nasty. Although it’s probably better than anything else he’s had his lips on while serving time.
They go to a diner and Tyler asks what Butch is going to do about the no contact order. Butch says that he can’t do anything about it but it’s going to be hard not seeing his wife because he has been in jail and is horny.
Farrah talks to a lawyer about the Social Security Benefits that Sophia is eligible for from Derek’s death. The lawyer is pissed because even though, Derek’s mom denied that Sophia is Derek’s daughter – which is why Sophia was denied the benefits, she wants visitation rights. It feels like some kind of blackmail scheme. Either that Derek’s mom is a straight up bitch.
Amber finally decides that Gary (or MTV’s production staff) is right and she needs a lawyer. They both have suspended licenses because of outstanding tickets and have to take a cab to the lawyer’s office – this is going to end in tears.
Butch is bitching about not seeing his wife because he is horny. Tyler is telling him to choose freedom over pussy. Butch thinks about it and agrees – for now. Because, as he so charmingly puts it, he is a man and a predator. That is not the smartest thing for an ex-con to say in front of a TV camera.
Bentley is hanging with his dad and grandma. They ignore him while he plays on a four-wheeler and talk about Ryan meeting Maci’s new man. Meanwhile, Maci talks to her friend Shanita about how weird it will be for the two guys to meet. She says she is nervous about it but her smirk says she is excited about the drama.
Farrah gets served a notice that Derek’s mom is suing for visitation. She calls her mom and she comes over with Farrah’s dad. And once again we see how retarded these girls are. Farrah’s mom recommends that Farrah get all of the documentation together and go see a lawyer. Farrah doesn’t want to do that, because in her mind she is right and that should be enough. She wants to ignore all of it because she hates Derek’s mother and it will all go away. She finishes this delusional logic by telling her mom to “grow up.” Then she storms off crying. There is a word for her behavior and I can’t quite remember what it is, I think it rhymes with smetarded.
Farrah goes to see her counselor with Sophia. How does she afford all of this stuff? Is her mom helping her out? She has lawyers, and counselors and boob jobs and is going to school. Where is the money coming from?
Her counselor recommends she let the courts handle it for her own peace of mind. Farrah seems extremely self-absorbed, but I do kind of feel bad for her that her daughter’s grandma is such a raving bitch.
Amber is stressed and doesn’t think Gary understands. So she will probably beat him soon. She bitches him out when he tries to comfort her. She has no patience for him and decides to blame him for her hitting him. She reiterates AGAIN, that she doesn’t deserve these “threats” from the police and Child Protective Services. She says that Gary doesn’t get it because the worst thing that could happen to him is he “might” have Leah taken away. He grows a pair for a split second and says that HE won’t lose custody. She screams that she hates him and storms out leaving her daughter without a second glance.
She goes to stay with her friend and complains about CPS wanting to take away the kid that she just walked out with even kissing goodbye. She lies about Gary’s part of the argument that she picked with him. She cries and her friend is sympathetic and tells her that she needs to call it quits with Gary. Because if a guy is going to get pissy with you just because you beat his ass and make him feel like shit while he is putting a roof over your head and raising your kid, you should kick him to the curb.
Kyle and Maci go to pick up Bentley from Ryan. They have this good ole boy conversation about tires and monster trucks and shake hands and suddenly respect each other. I don’t know.
Next week we find out why birth control should be mandatory for every teenage girl in the world.