Teen Mom: Trial and Error

It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve seen our favorite teen moms in action and this weeks episode “Trial and Error” finds the whole gang trying to get their lives in order.

Farrah

Farrah is recovering from the “not at all planned by MTV” scam that left her nearly $3,000 in the hole.  She somehow lost her free babysitter because the state thinks she makes too much money and she must relay on her friend, Ali, to watch Sophia while she picks up more hours at work.  I must say that I am beginning to think that Farrah may be the smart one among her friends.  Ali refers to Sophia’s soaked diaper as “wetable”.  What the fuck? Then she goes on to suggest that Farrah try speed dating. Honestly, it would be more productive if she just tried speed. Think of the shit she’d get done.  Anyways, so Ali brings up speed dating (again, I am totally sure MTV had nothing to do with this) and Farrah is hesitant. FINALLY, Farrah is demonstrating some common fucking sense. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against speed dating.  I think it’s a great way for  lame pathetic people to meet each other.  Even Farrah gets that, stating “Sounds like I am going to meet a lot of losers in a fast amount of time.” Maybe her oxygen supply wasn’t entirely cutoff in the womb.  But, Ali insists she give it shot because you never know, she may just find someone like her (Yikes! Sophia would be dead in a week if that happened) and , really, what else is she going to contribute to this episode if she doesn’t do it?

So Ali watches Sophia while Farrah heads to TGIFriday’s or  whatever shit hole that hosts these  freaks. She first meets Sean who asks her if anyone in her family is a downer? What the fuck can a question is that? Then she meets Derek who talks about his cats, totally they type of guy that owns several outfits made out of human flesh. And then there’s Zack.  He’s a total knob, talking about his cage fighting and doucey tattoo.  I am pretty sure Farrah mentions her daughter just to get him to shut the fuck up. Needless to say the experience was a complete waste of Farrah’ s time.  She could have spent that hour inadvertently sticking Sophia’s hand in a blender.  Farrah may not have intelligence, a proper education,  or parenting skills but she does have enough sense to not try speed dating again. Hey Farrah, I hear craigslist has personal ads…

Maci

Maci and Kyle are heating up, they just have so much in common.  They both love motocross, they live in the same state, and require oxygen to live.

One big happy Aryan family

They’ve been together for a few months and Maci and Bentley are spending a lot of time in Nashville.  Kyle suggests they stop making the 2 hour drive from Chattanooga and move to Nashville! I have to note that there’s been an increasing need for subtitles in order to decipher what Kyle is saying.  And I’m beginning to wonder if he has upper teeth.  Anyways, Maci explains to Ky that if she’s to move up there she’s going to need his help.   She knows that living together is the only way they’ll ever really have a chance, but she’s not yet ready to tell her parents or Ryan about the potential move.

She meets with her adviser in his weird basement rec room office, complete with Mr. Peanut memorabilia, mini fridge, and microwave. She wants to know about the potential of her transferring to a school closer to Nashville. He says it shouldn’t be a problem since she did “so good” in high school. But is it the right thing for Bentley?

She decides to visit a daycare in Nashville.  While there, Bentley calls Kyle “dada”. Kyle asks like he didn’t hear it, but he looks freaked the fuck out. It’s looking more and more like the move is going to happen. Maci decides to tell her friends back home about her potential plans. Her friend Ashton is visibly shocked and concerned. Maci defends herself, “Just because you all don’t have boyfriends it doesn’t mean you have to get on me for having one” ZING!

Maci knows she can transfer, she’s found a daycare, and now she just needs to make sure that Kyle is on the same page. She asks him, yet again, how serious he feels they are.  He responds, “Pretty a lot”. He seriously said that. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. Anyways, that being said, it looks like Maci is heading to Nashville. Now she just needs to tell her parents and Ryan.  I have a feeling that they are all going to be pretty a lot pissed.

Amber

It’s time, time for Amber to push herself like never before.  She probably already has the HIV, but can she get the GED? Amber really has her heart set on earning a high school diploma. She could do the course week from home, but the materials cost $355. She shares this information with Gary who is extremely in favor of the GED which is only $60, that’s a savings of $295 or, in Gary currency, 295 Hostess fruit pies.   However, Amber fears that Gary will forever hold his high school diploma over her head. Forever? Who are we kidding here? Gary’s bound to have a coronary by the age of 25.  But, Amber is also worried that Leah will wonder why her mommy doesn’t have a high school diploma.  Uhhh…I think she’ll figure it out.

Hello? Is this Child Protective Services?

To help her better understand her options, Amber meets up with Diane, our favorite counselor from last season.  I really hate to beat a dead horse, but I’m noticing a theme:

Anyways, Diane seems a little less uncomfortable dealing with Amber this season. Man, it was so awkward last season when Amber broke down in Diane’s office.  Diane looked like she wanted to console Amber, but feared, if she touched her, she’d get AIDS.  Diane really pushed the GED on Amber and convinces her that it’s better for her family. So Amber decides that she’s going to take the next GED test being offered.

She decides to tell Gary at some poor man’s Chuck E. Cheese and expresses her fears about taking on something so demanding.  She can’t possibly work and learn the alphabet at the same time which means Gary will need to find a job. Are you fucking kidding me? This asshole still doesn’t have a job? I know the economy is bad, but when you are only qualified to do menial work it shouldn’t be that hard to find a toilet that needs scrubbing somewhere.  I’m beginning to sympathize with Amber’s frustration with Gary.  He does say that he is proud of her and that he will take her to dinner if she passes.  Talk about an incentive.

Amber hits the books instead of Gary for a change

It’s the night before the big test and Amber is struggling.  Upon seeing Amber worried, Gary so lovingly states,  ”I want to marry a woman on the her game.”  Quite the insult coming from someone with a BMI has high as Gary’s. Naturally, they argue.

Test day arrives and Amber is clearly not on her game. She breaks down during the exam and  fails every section.  She expresses her frustrations to Gary (who’s just glad that doesn’t have to pay for a dinner) asking if there are vitamins that will “help her brain chemically remember”.  Man, I really can’t believe she didn’t pass. She should have skipped the GED and went straight for the MCATs. Gary offers this suggestion, “Listen to Mozart while you do your homework. It will make you 15% smarter. It’s proven.” Amber wonders where she can find this “Mozart” and how much smarter it will make her if she blows him.

Catelynn

Catelynn and Tyler are finally back on track.  Things have been relatively drama free with Butch,  Tyler’s dad and Catelynn’s step dad (I know, seriously fucked up), out of jail.   April is less of a bitch with Butch around. You know you are in a bad place when the person that keeps you  grounded has a mullet as severe as Butch’s.  They lovingly embrace while Nick, April’s son with god knows who, very disturbingly mimics them.

Somebody get the Kilz

Butch tries to play dad with Tyler and asks about his relationship with Catelynn. Tyler explains that she lied. To this, Butch shares his modus operondi, ““the least I know the less I have to understand”. Enough said. He then goes all to tell Tyler that if he ever needs to talk that he’s here for him. By “here” he means locked up or coked out. Tyler, of course, isn’t buying it.

Tyler and Catelynn head over to Tyler’s mom house and we are, for the first time,  introduced to Tyler’s sister, Amber. Who knew? Butch arrives to share an announcement.  The state of Michigan wants to him go to rehab. Once again, he’s leaving. Afterwards, Tyler and Catelynn have a mature conversation. Tyler equates his father to a child and Catelynn is glad they got Carly away from all this trashy shit (my words, not Catelynn’s).

April is very torn up about having to live without Butch for however many weeks. It really is too bad that she can’t go with him, no, REALLY.

What sane woman wouldn’t miss this?

April lashes out on Catelynn, telling her she does nothing around the house to help and even resorts to throwing the adoption back in her  face. Catelynn calls Tyler to come get her. Kim, Tyler, and Catelynn discuss the fight in Kim’s backyard. Kim must have read my last recap because her yard is considerably cleaner . Catelynn vents and they listen. She wants a good relationship with her mom, but doesn’t know what to do. Catelynn, have you considered dressing up like a bottle of Jack?

Catelynn returns home to make thing better with her mom.  April is still pissed and calls Catelynn lazy.  Catelynn cleans up around the house and  April comes around. April rewards Catelynn with an evening of pizza, “classic” Sunday night cartoons, and second hand smoke.