Teen Mom: Tweedle Dipsh*t

Hellooooo fellow masochists!  Also, Leah and Corey fans.  This episode was better than last week’s, mainly because it provided us with the confirmation of Adam’s assholery and Chelsea’s lameassery we’ve all been waiting for.  Everything else that happened was pretty ho-hum and predictable, but totally worth the Sioux Falls shit show that is Adam and Chelsea’s relationship.  Onward!

Previously on “Teen Mom 2,” Chelsea was incredibly selfish and stupid, so Adam moved in.

Speaking of South Dakota, that’s where we start.  Things are blissful in the most fucked up version of “Three’s Company” ever, but of course, not for long.  Randy (FUCKING FINALLY) stepped up and asked Adam to pay rent.  Randy really needs to speak to the producers about the way he’s edited if this shit is happening off screen.  It’s morning, and Chelsea crawls into bed with Adam to break the news that his freeloading days are over.  He whines that he can’t pay child support AND rent – that’s like $600 a month!  How will he afford the rags he needs to work on his car?  And to wear?  And he only works part-time for his dad’s construction company soooo… yeah.  No dice.  Chelsea quietly protests that some people do it, but Adam shakes his head at his naïve baby-momma, so silly in her belief that there are some fathers who manage to hold down jobs, pay rent and pay child support all at the same time.

Poppycock, my good woman.  Poppycock.

Adam suggests that Chelsea makes it clear that they are legally living together so he doesn’t have to pay child support anymore, and Chelsea, since this directly affects HER income, puts the KAYbosh on that right quick.  So Adam just snits that Megan should be paying rent, too, and he doesn’t understand why Chelsea doesn’t talk to her about it.  Well, Megan didn’t knock up Randy’s daughter then call her a fat stretch-mark bitch, and her prize for that is a free place to live.

Chelsea’s brilliant solution to the entire argument is, “Whatever,” and she goes to grab Aubree.  Bargaining chip firmly in place on the bed, Chelsea asks Adam point blank if he’s going to pay rent next month, and he mumbles a few things that sound negative.  After no less than three replays, one of which spent with my ear to the television, I gather that he said he didn’t know if he was going to pay or not.  And I am left with another reason to hate him – he fucking mumbles!

Daddy talks like me!

Down and to the right in North Carolina, Jenelle’s monotoning that her mom kicked her out a-GIN and she’s staying with Amber a-GIN.  According to her, the timing couldn’t be worse – Jace’s birthday is coming up, and Jenelle’s not certain Barbara will let her see him.  I’m not either, for that matter.

Also, Kieffer’s Guitar Hero stats are going way down due to the unstable lifestyle Jenelle provides.  It’s bad, Folks.

And on top of all this, Jenelle still needs forms from her mother if she’s going to get financial aid for school.  She tells the financial aid lady that getting the correct information is awwwkwaaarrd given that she and her mother aren’t speaking, and FA Lady is sympathetic, but that’s about it.  She basically tells Jenelle that if she doesn’t work shit out, she won’t get aid, so she’d better hurry up and stop being white trash if she wants to go to school.

She leaves a message for Barbara asking for the forms, and that’s that.

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn’s life sucks.  Not my words, her friend Kim’s!  Have we talked about how much I love Kim?  We have?  Good.  Apparently Jo’s still on the outs with his dad, so the couple’s homeless for the time being.  Kailyn’s staying with a friend, but the house isn’t childproofed or something, so Isaac has to stay with Jo in New Jersey.  Oh, BTW, in the last episode, Kailyn mentioned that whatever part of New Jersey Jo headed to is two hours away.

Kailyn and Kim get coffee and talk about the fact that Kailyn doesn’t want to be with Jo anymore.  Apparently just after Isaac was born, she and Jo were very happy.  However, when she got a job and broadened her horizons (I don’t want to think about how narrow Kailyn’s horizons were if they were broadened at a sports store), she started to feel trapped in her relationship and Jo’s house.  But she doesn’t know how to tell him that she doesn’t want to be with him.  Oh, and thank you MTV for subtitling Kailyn’s clear-as-a-bell break-up declaration and none of Adam’s mumbly nonsense.  As per usual, Kim offers nothing of consequence, just happy to be on TV.

Yeah, that sounds rough.   I’m thinking of postponing college until filming’s done.  What do you think?

I gotta say, I’m pretty impressed that Kailyn seems to be the only one in this situation who’s being clear-headed.  Jo’s like the angriest six-year-old ever.  His life WILL be a fairy tale or he will punch someone!  I like that Kailyn’s not a hopeless romantic.  She traded that shit for a baby, and she knows it.

Another set of kids with their heads on straight?  Corey and Leah of course!  It’s still another month before Ali’s MRI – or as they say in hick, “MR-AAH.”  But a physical therapist is coming over to the house to work with Ali a few times a week so the baby can still attempt to make progress.  It’s at this moment I realize just how deep my West Virginia prejudice goes when I catch myself thinking, “They have those down there?”  I need to remember that Appalachia is also in Ohio.

Ali is about as happy to have her shit fiddled with as she is about anything, and I laugh when the PT is all, “Well, you’re just not in a good mood today, are you Honey?”

Bitch, you have no idea.  Let go of my legs and I’m gonna kick you in the face.

The PT explains that Ali is going to be behind in her physical development and working through her difficulties will be a challenge.  Leah looks like she’s about to cry as someone finally gives her some concrete information about her daughter’s situation and it’s not good.

In Sioux Falls, everything seems trivial.  Mostly because Chelsea’s problems ARE fucking trivial and all of her own making, but also because she was forced to follow Leah in the lineup.  Adam’s been an ass since they had the rent conversation, and Megan wonders if he’s going to go back to the way he was “completely.”  I feel like I could get both Megan and Chelsea to pay me a lot of money if I showed up at their door dressed as a fortune teller.  Adam leaves with the baby to go someplace I know not where, and Chelsea VOs that maybe if she gets Megan to pay rent, Adam will stop being a dick.  Sure, Chels.  Give in to him one more time, and I promise, this time it’ll be different.  Especially because you will have sold out your best friend.

Megan comes home and Chelsea asks her about paying rent.  Shockingly, Megan skips right over Chelsea blatantly using Megan to put Adam in a better mood, and reasons that if they’re all going to be living together, they should all be paying rent.  Including Chelsea.  Chelsea agrees, then the conversation devolves into a discussion about how Adam makes Megan feel like shit.  Chelsea doesn’t think he does it on purpose, and asks Megan (even though it’s HER HOUSE TOO) to try a little harder.  Megan promises to try, but also says that eventually she’s gonna come unglued.

Megan’s good people.  She’d come unglued where I’d come un-nonviolent.

Later on, Chelsea tells Adam that Megan agreed to pay rent as long as he did.  Also, Adam’s behind in his child support.  It’s not strictly relevant, but I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of that.  The fact that Chelsea finally talked Megan into shelling out cash doesn’t make Adam any happier.  He’s convinced that Megan doesn’t do anything to contribute to the house like cleaning and whatnot and just thinks it would be better if she moved out.  Hmmm….

Cleaning?

Cleaning?

Cleaning?

Cleaning?

Chelsea tries to explain to Adam what a difficult situation he’s putting her in, but considering Adam’s not interested in anything but removing Chelsea from any support system that conflicts with his control of her, the argument doesn’t move him.  Neither does Chelsea’s reminder of the little list she gave him that included a rule about treating Megan well.  I think maybe if she’d been less, “Can you pleeeease pay rent and can you pleeeease be nice to Megan for my sake and for Aubree’s?” and more, “Pay rent or get out, and treat Megan, your daughter’s secondary caregiver, with some respect or get out,” this whole conversation would have been more effective.

But, alas…

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn’s still firm in her decision to strike out on her own without Jo and without the Riveras, but she wants to talk to her mom about it before she sees Jo that night.  “Why?” is all that keeps running through my head.  But Suzi surprises me this week.  She gives Kailyn the… insightful advice to do what’s right, but to be aware that being a single parent is one of the hardest things in the world.  She also reminds her daughter that living alone is financially difficult, if not impossible for someone in her situation.  Kailyn knows this and tears stream down her face as she faces a reality Jo can’t even fathom.

Man, Suzi may not step-up when I want her to, but I feel like if Barbara were in this situation, Kailyn would be deaf in one ear and missing her son.

Back in West Virginia, Leah and Corey are still fairly distraught over their daughter’s condition, but they decide to do what they can to help Ali in the meantime, and head over to Corey’s parents’ house to show Jeff and Joetta the exercises the PT has taught them.  The older couple is totally into it, but Corey’s disconnected.  Leah notices, and when they’re at home, she tries to get him to open up about how he feels about Ali’s condition.  Corey’s far more interested in playing with Leah’s hair than he is in talking about his feelings, and I just want everyone to realize how awesome and rare it is to have a guy be more interested in loving on his girl rather than talking about his feelings.  It might be because I’ve been watching a lot of “Intervention” lately, but it seems like most people drink or shoot up or do other unhealthy things when they don’t want to talk.

GO COREY!

Not having any of it, Leah gently tells Corey that even if all it amounts to is them crying on each other’s shoulders, they need to talk about their feelings rather than keep them bottled up.  My mind’s a little blown here, because Leah, who’s 18 I believe, just expressed an idea it took me 27 years and a lot of therapy to understand.

Sorry I made fun of your accent, Lady…

Then she and Corey discuss their mutual fears, and Corey assures Leah that he’ll be there for her whenever she needs to talk.  THEY ARE PERFECT.

*sigh*  Back to North Carolina, to less dreamy waters.  Jenelle picks up her financial aid forms from Mike, and is pleasantly surprised to find that her mother actually filled them out.  Yeesh.  She turns them in to school and heads to her mother’s house to thank Barbara for signing the forms and to see Jace.  She’s greeted kindly with a “What are you doing here?” from Barbara, but is allowed into see and play with her son.  The two women manage to have a civil conversation about how much Jenelle misses Jace, but Barbara doesn’t invite her daughter back home like last time.  Instead she just invites her to Jace’s first birthday party on Saturday.  Before I can dwell on how painful and humiliating it must be to be INVITED to your own son’s first birthday party, Jace walks across the room, something Jenelle didn’t know he could do until just that moment.  Barbara announces that he’s been doing it for a week, and Jenelle stares sadly at everything she’s missing.

Upside?  You’ll probably miss teething, Babe.  When do babies teeth?  2-4 yrs?

Back in West Virginia, I can barely type because my fingers are seizing up from how effing cute Leah and Corey are as they head over some bridge to get family photos done.  Corey’s in his best white t-shirt, and the twins look adorable with massive bows on their heads.  Aleeyah’s adorable because she’s a bright-eyed bushy-tailed baby girl with her whole charmed life in front of her, and Ali’s adorable because she looks like she’s wondering what the fuck’s on her head.

WINNER OF THIS WEEK’S BEST BABY WHAT THE FUCK FACE!  Stop smiling, Idiot.  We look like assholes.

The team takes a break so Ali and Aleeyah can get fed, then they change into their second outfits – camo.  Corey’s practically doing his own little square dance at the opportunity to show some redneck pride, and Leah is humoring him as best she can.

I love that Leah and Corey make all my jokes for me.

Man, Jenelle, Kailyn and Chelsea must fucking hate Leah.  Well, Jenelle and Kailyn must.  Chelsea’s probably under the delusion that she and Adam are living the dream right alongside our West Virginian supercouple.

In Pennsylvania, Jo and Eddie sit down for a man-to-man child chat.  Eddie explains that the argument causing Jo and Kailyn to leave was never meant to go that far, and that if the two crazy kids want to move back in, they can.  However, he tells Jo that the father/son fighting needs to stop escalating to such an extreme degree.  Eddie makes all the effort to solve their issues, and Jo grunts in response.  Yeah, this is gonna go well.  Oh, Jo also reveals that he’s trying to work things out with Kailyn.  Guess “trying” is the operative word there…

In South Dakota, Chelsea can’t deal with the living situation she SINGLE-HANDEDLY created, so she skips out to have lunch with her dad.  He asks her how school’s going, and of course, she can’t concentrate.  He suggests she get a job one day a week at a tanning salon or something just to get out of the house, and she considers it.  But nothing goes any further than that because both Megan and Adam start anger-texting her at the same time and she has to run away from her father to go deal with a problem that doesn’t involve anyone asking her about school or telling her to get a job.

I’ll stay if you wanna buy me a new purse, but if not, I gotta go.

Chelsea heads home to find Adam and a friend of his playing video games.  When she asks where Megan is, Adam says, and I quote, “I don’t know, I hope she’s dead.”  Yeah, Adam?  Well, I hope your dick falls off.  And I’ll shout that loud and proud, not mumble it under my breath like a bitch.  Chelsea, showing she’s a chip off the old dad, just says, “Adam!” reproachfully, and asks what happened.  Apparently Megan came home, gave Adam a “bitch look,” grabbed her stuff and left.  Chelsea checks her phone and sees that Megan’s staying at her parents’ house that night.  All Chelsea can do is VO that HER plans blew up in HER face.  Nothing about how her friend has been pushed out of her house by a dick.  Chelsea is the worst friend on the planet.

I want to slap the stupid off her.

In North Carolina, it’s time for a little more insight into why Jenelle and Barbara don’t have a very functional relationship.  Since things seem to have settled down a little bit between the two women, Jenelle buys a present for Jace’s birthday and heads over to Barbara’s house to hide it.  It’s a little four-wheeler that’s probably too old for Jace, but the simple pleasure and excitement on Jenelle’s face as she hides the present is so frigging sweet.  But Barbara can’t help herself.  Not only does she tell Jenelle that Jace isn’t going to know what the four-wheeler is, but she also points out that the baby won’t know what presents are anyway.  WTF?  But before I can even wind up for a swing at the grapefruit Barbara just tossed me, she throws me a fucking watermelon.  Apparently when Jenelle was a baby, Barbara didn’t get her ANYTHING for Christmas or her birthday because, “Why bother?”

Jenelle and I share the same reaction to this news.

I have to say, I’m pretty shocked Jenelle doesn’t have a more serious drug problem than toking up in abandoned homes.  Barbara goes on to say that Jenelle should return what she got Jace and get him a “silver cup” or something with his name on it, and that would be a more appropriate gift for his first birthday.  Barbara, I had better not see one fucking toy at your house on Saturday other than the one Jenelle bought.  Not one.

Seriously?  Are you fucking kidding me?  The girl is making a concerted effort to go to college and see her kid, and all her mother can do is critique the gift she buys him.  After she just admitted to buying her daughter jack shit until Jenelle could understand the concept of presents?  Shut UP, Barbara!

Oh good, time to go back to West Virginia to the COUNTY FAIR!  Oooooh, I want funnel cakes and cotton candy and fried cheese oh my!  They ride the rides and are totally in love and talk about how much they love their life and then marriage!  They talk about marriage!  I shit you not, Guys, they’re on a Ferris wheel and everything, and Corey totally drawls out, “We can get married whenever you want.”  Leah’s not about to accept that bullshit proposal, but there are supernovas in her eyes at the fact that Corey even mentioned it.  What she is not so excited about is Corey’s desire for more children, specifically a boy, like, right away.  Leah tacitly informs him that she’s getting on birth control the NEXT DAY, and it’ll be a good five years or so before that particular department of the muffin shop is open again.

Can’t blame a guy for tryin’.

Dark times take over as Kailyn and Jo meet in a parking lot to discuss their lives.  It’s so creepy – it looks like a drug deal.  Jo reveals that they’re allowed to move back into the Rivera’s home, and Kailyn, after having all of one second to process this information, blinks and says that she’ll move back in, but only for the time being.  She tells him she wants to get a place of her own, especially since it’s not working out between the two of them at the moment.  Jo takes this in stride, and instead of pouting and being a douche, he tells her how he feels.  She’s very confusing, every day she feels something different, but if she really does come to this decision one day, he’ll wish her good luck with her life.  It’s not exactly a Coreleah moment, but I’ll take it.  Sometimes there’s civility and that’s all.

The next day, Janet and Eddie confront the couple about the future, and it’s clear that Kailyn isn’t budging.  Jo wants to get his own place, but he wants Kailyn to join, and Kailyn doesn’t think she can focus on Isaac, school and a relationship.  Janet objects to that, but she tells Kailyn that the family supports Kailyn.  Eddie just thinks they need to get their shit together quickly and I agree.  This shit is getting boring.

In South Dakota, I didn’t think things could be get much worse, but ho ho!  Adam proves me wrong.  The two eat dinner together and Chelsea tells him to apologize to Megan.  Adam, reveling in the situation being exactly the way he wants it, refuses and wonders why it’s so hard for Chelsea to tell Megan to move out.  Chelsea whines that it’s haaaaard (to dick over your best friend), and Adam snits that he’ll do it.  Chelsea refuses to give him Megan’s number, so he just gets it from one of the many friends they share in common and TEXTS MEGAN THAT SHE HAS TO LEAVE.  HER OWN HOUSE.  What a fucking cockroach!

Chelsea doesn’t even know what’s happening as she bobble heads around the kitchen, VOing that she sure hopes Adam was joking about texting Megan, because if he wasn’t, it’s not funny.

I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it, but I sure as sugar don’t find it amusing.

In North Carolina, Jenelle and Kieffer head over to Barbara’s house for Jace’s birthday and it’s fucking painful to watch.  Barbara berates Jenelle for not getting their earlier to help set up… as Jenelle helps set up.  Then everyone comments on Jenelle’s gift and how inappropriate it is for Jace.  Then Jenelle doesn’t even get to sit next to her son at the table and damn it sucks.  She just looks so left out, and while she certainly had a hand in creating the situation, all of Barbara’s disciplinary techniques have resulted in is Jenelle no longer feeling like a mother.

Which will make it all the easier for her to skip out on him when the time comes.

Oh, PS, tons of toys and presents at the birthday.  Screw you, Barbara.

The episode winds down in West Virginia.  Kayla pays Leah a visit and for once does not piss me off.  She and Leah talk about Corey wanting to have more children and the relationship moving too fast.  Leah agrees that the couple having more children is a bad idea, but she says that if Corey proposed, she scream “YES!” at the top of her lungs.

AND THEN THERE’S A SHOT OF COREY HEADING TO A JEWELRY STORE TO BUY LEAH AND ENGAGEMENT RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I’m so excited I’m not even going to comment on the microscopic diamond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And because MTV wants to give me schizophrenia, we head back to South Dakota… and the days are dark.  Chelsea hasn’t heard from Megan in two days, and when she finally does, Megan reveals that she’s decided to move out.  She also sounds righteously pissed at Chelsea, and it’s awesome.  This is the first time I’ve seen anyone really call Chelsea out on her bullshit, and it sends homegirl into a tailspin.  She begs Megan not to put her in the middle and Megan isn’t having any of that.  Megan comes over with her parents to clear out her stuff, rips Adam a new asshole and screams epithets at Chelsea as they head out the door.  Chelsea can’t deal for shit, and needs both Adam and her father at the house just to keep it together.  Randy keeps telling her he can’t do anything and points out that Megan is what they call a “best friend,” – Adam could have made more of an effort.  Chelsea wails that Randy always blames Adam for everything and Randy exclaims that that’s because Adam screws everything up and always has.  SCORE ONE FOR RANDY!

The commotion dies down, and before he leaves Randy grumbles to Adam that there had better be a job and rent lined up if he’s to preside over this particularly shitty situation.  Adam makes a bunch of empty promises, and goes to console Chelsea, now that he has her completely under his thumb.

Fucktards.  The pair of them.

Sad montage of sad monkeys except for Leah and Corey, and that’s all she wrote for this week.  Next time?  Proposal!  Moving day!  More anger texts!  Aaaand Chelsea uses the phrase BFFF.  I don’t even know what that means.  Best Fat Friends Forever?  Best Friends Forever Farting?  You decide!