Teen Mom: Welcome to Disappointment!

This episode is called “Switching Gears,” which is sort of accurate.  Two couples change it up pretty good and two other couples do exactly what you’d expect of them.  Guess which category Chelsea and Adam fall into.

Randy taking custody of Aubree is a battle I would have supported.

We start with Kailyn and Jo in Pennsylvania, and I have to say that Kailyn’s general dissatisfaction with Jo’s pouty bullshit is making me love her all the more.  Her life is sort of a pile of shit right now, but she does well with hard decisions.  She’s looking for an apartment and awesomely channeling Dolly Parton in “Straight Talk” as she ticks off options with nail polish.

“I’m busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.”  Sidenote:  There should bemore cinematic pairings of James Woods and Dolly Parton.

Her price range is $400 a month including utilities, and Jo, with what I’m sure is his EXTENSIVE knowledge of paying rent, scoffs, “Good luck.”  Unfortunately, he turns out to be right, as Janet kindly asserts that Kailyn is more likely to find something in the $500-$600 range with utilities.  As Kailyn and a friend head out to look at one prospect that’s too small AND out of her price range, she realizes that she’s going to have to get another job.  I swear, Kailyn is by far the most stereotypical teen mom on this show.  School, two jobs, living by herself – as much as I love Corey and Leah, their situation’s one in a million.

Seriously, how many kids this age have glasses?

In South Dakota, Megan’s exit has done little to ensure any good behavior from Adam.  He seems to sleep a lot and spends the rest of his time working on his cars, which, if I had to live with him, would be FAR preferable to listening to him mumble shit and watching him play video games.  Chelsea VOs that she’s been pretty sad since Megan left, and Adam’s doing nothing to make things better.  I have a question.  What are these fabled cars that Adam works on?  All I’ve ever heard about it is that he “works on his cars.”  Does he have many broken cars?  Do friends bring him cars to fix?  I feel like it can’t be the latter considering he never has any fucking money, and Adam doesn’t seem like the guy to do shit for free.  If he has many broken cars, with what money did he acquire said cars?  And shouldn’t they be fixed by now if he has no job and all this free time work on them?

The only conclusions I can come to are either Adam is hiding money from Chelsea so he can keep an underground auto shop going in his dad’s barn, or he’s the shittiest mechanic in the world.  Either way, another reason to hate him!  Huzzah!

Anyway, Megan comes to get the last of her stuff when Adam isn’t there and she and Chelsea have a heart to heart.  Chelsea actually admits that she realizes Adam has cut her off from nearly all her friends and family, but basically all she’s committed to doing about it is hoping it gets better.  Good job, Chelsea.  Are you hoping you’ll finish high school?  Because that would explain a lot.  The girls talk a lot about nothing, but basically Megan isn’t made at Chelsea, she just hates Adam.  Megan?  At least Adam treated you honestly.  Chelsea just whined and cried a little as you were systematically pushed out of your home.  Be mad at Adam, but be mad at Chelsea, too.  She can’t be that good a friend.

I mean, look at her hair.  And you can’t have a serious conversation with someone when they’re sacked out on a papasan loveseat.  You just can’t.

They seem to work some shit out, but when Chelsea asks if they are still BFFFs – Best Fuckin’ Friends Forever (OOOOOHH!) – Megan tells her it’ll be a long time for things to get back to normal as long as Chelsea is still with Adam.  They part ways and Chelsea’s sad some more.

In North Carolina, I’m actually happy to see Jenelle, because for all of her dipshit shenanigans, at least she’s a fucking firecracker who wouldn’t be caught dead in hair school.  And if she did, she’d call it fucking beauty school like a respectable dropout.

Things between her and Barbara are good for the time being, but she and Kieffer are done freeloading at Amber’s, so now they have to find jobs and places to stay in Wilmington.  They get a brief reprieve in the form of Kieffer’s friend Mike’s Grandma’s (JEEZ) beach house, but it’s only for a few weeks.  Well, I’m not worried.  According to Kieffer, he can walk into any kitchen in their city and get a job with his resume.  The fact that he hasn’t done it yet doesn’t bother me in the least.

Oh, I’m so not worried about Jenelle.  If there’s one thing that girl’s got going for her  it’s her ability to be super-fucking white trash and still land on her feet.  I mean shit, she’s on TV. That’s more than I’ve accomplished in the past 20 years.

In West Virginia, things are blissful (aside from Ali the Elephant in the room), and Corey and Leah are headed on a fishing trip.  From the previews last week, I’m pretty sure they’re headed to a proposal site!!!  Corey adorably refuses to tell Leah where they’re going.  I say “adorably” because when they get there, the lake has no significance, so Corey sort of missed the mark on being sneaky.  The proposal was the secret, Babe, not the location.

Anyway, they row out to the middle, and Corey sneaks the ring onto a line and PUTS IT IN THE WATER!  WHAT IF A FISH EATS IT???  WHAT IF IT FALLS OFF INTO THE LAKE???  I’m sorry, I don’t fish.  I don’t have the constitution for this.  Just ask her already!  Corey gives her the line and tells her to reel it in.  Leah, objects that it’s not time yet, but Corey, barely able to contain his glee, tells her to go on and reel it in.  She does and, “No s**t” is the first thing out of her mouth.  God bless the rednecks!  God bless them, every one!

The groom wore an elegant ensemble  of Hanes Tee and Baseball Cap, and the bride looked stunning in her Hot Pink Bass Pro Shop Tee.

They giggle and kiss and row the boat home.  Leah calls her mother to share the good news, and all Dawn can say is “Okay…”  She’s more shocked than she is disapproving, though and she laughs that only a redneck like Corey would propose in the middle of a lake.  I’m not sure the lake’s the issue.  I thinkt it’s more the ring attached to the catgut attached to the fishin’ pole in the middle of a lake.  But it’s wonderful – they’re so sweet and purely happy.  My cynicism is taking quite a blow this episode.

But before things can get too out of hand, we head to South Dakota.  Chelsea misses Megan because Adam isn’t so much a “friend” or a “partner,” but more of a “leech” or a “parasite.”  But Aubree’s learning to walk, so that’s cheering her up.  It is pretty fucking cute.  Adam actually tears his attention away from the TV long enough to comment on it.

Later on, Chelsea’s in the bathroom combing the hair on one side of her head to the other and Erika, a friend who likes being on TV more than she hates Adam shows up to say hello.  Chelsea whines about Megan moving out and then has the gall to complain about MEGAN and ADAM putting her in the middle.  Chelsea, when you take both hands and put one person on one side of you and then take both hands and put another person on the other side of you, you are putting yourself in the middle.

Think of it like Megan and Adam are your hair and you’re your head.

Erika looks like she thinks this is utter bullshit, but again, she likes being on TV.  She agrees with Chelsea that obviously Adam and Megan were in the wrong, and then Chelsea lays another egg.  She didn’t finish high school in time to enroll in the September class in beauty school, and it’s not looking good for November.  Who had November in the pool?  I was a bitch and picked  February of 2012, but I’m still holding out hope.  Because finishing high school on her own time was just too difficult, Chelsea has decided to throw away the incredibly generous gift her school gave her and just take her GED.  She’s super excited about the idea of one test, but she’s pretty sure it’ll disappoint her dad.  I’m pretty sure your dad already knows.  Erika tries to reassure her, but Chelsea rattles off all the reasons her dad has been disappointed in her (and they are many), and Erika is left speechless.  I’m left wondering why, if Cheslea cares so much about disappointing her dad, she still fucking does it?

Who knows?  You’d think by the way Randy acts that disappointment was an effective form of punishment.

In North Carolina, Jenelle heads to her mom’s house to see Jace and to show Barbara all about college.  Aw, this makes me sad.  As much as her mother is unbelievably tough on her, Jenelle still wants to show off what she’s achieved.  Approval is such a fickle bitch.  Thankfully, Barbara doesn’t say something shitty about Jenelle’s hair or her choice in classes, though she doesn’t miss an opportunity to criticize Jenelle’s “rough” handling of Jace.  Barbara actually tells her daughter how proud she is, and gets all excited about the new life and focus college will bring.  She also mentions that maybe Jenelle will meet a nice, upstanding guy at school.  Thankfully, Jenelle laughs and lets that one go by and moves on to discuss her plans to move to Wilmington with Kieffer.  Barbara laughs, too, and just explains that she likes Kieffer, but she’d like him a lot more if he’d get a job.  And stop wearing those shorts.  Okay, that last part was me, but I’m desperate.

Look, they make Jenelle sad, too.

Barbara advises Jenelle to wait to move to Wilmington until Kieffer gets the money to help, but Jenelle won’t hear anymore bad about Kieffer.  Her mother raises concerns about Jenelle shelling out money to give Kieffer a free place to live, and Jenelle balks some more and threatens to leave.  Barbara calmly explains that she’s just being a concerned mother, and Jenelle VOs that she hates that her mother second-guesses every decision she makes.  I don’t know, I’m kind of with Barbara on this one.  As much as my fingers didn’t want to type that, I think she’s on the money about Kieffer.

Actually, she’s probably on the money about a lot of things, but I stop listening when she yells so I miss about 90% of what comes out of her mouth.

We return from commercial to see Kailyn and Jo heading out to dinner to talk about their living situation.  Jo’s still trying to convince Kailyn that moving in together when they can’t even share separate rooms civilly is a grand idea.  Despite how hard it is to make the money to live on her own, Kailyn is still convinced that living with Jo is dumb and ridiculous.  I think she still likes Jordan, but I’ll keep that under my hat until next week.  Jo makes a bunch of snide remarks about how Kailyn’s going to fall on her face and never see Isaac because she’ll be working and going to school.  I assume he’s paying for the delicious looking potato skins they’re eating because if he wasn’t, my ass’d have been out the door and a twenty would have been floating in my wake.

Ass.  I’m mainly pissed because potato skins are a sacred appetizer and he just totally ruined the vicarious experience I was having.

In West Virginia, Corey’s watching the twins so Leah can show off her ring to her friends.  I’m not assuming that, btw.  She actually says it.  Then she heads over to her friends’ place and holds out her hand.  Kayla reveals a surprising romantic side when she manages to oooh and ahhh a little bit.  Leah’s sister Victoria is more supportive, but all in all, the girls are totally smiley.  I can’t wait CAN’T WAIT to do that.  And if my fiancé spoils it for me by telling all our friends first, I will call our shit off.  My friend Scott did that to my friend Laura, and she was piiiiissed.

I wouldn’t have been surprised if flowers had spontaneously grown around this porch by the next day.

In Wilmington, Kieffer and Jenelle are looking at apartments to gauge what their price range will be, and it’s looking expensive.  I’m at sixes and sevens for this whole segment because A) Kieffer is wearing his fucking playing card shorts again and all I want to do is set them on fire.  B) The lady showing the kids the apartments is carrying around a chiuahua in a dress named St. Judy.   What the fuck.  Just what the fucking fuck?  Anyway, for a shack in an “up and coming” neighborhood, it’s $500 and for something a little nicer it’s $700. I could pay for two of those places with what I pay in Los Angeles, but Jenelle’s not forced to sacrifice money for her art, so she can afford to be a bit pickier in price.  She and Kieffer discuss how they’re committed to making a life in Wilmington work despite having to save up enough money to do it, and they both agree that Barbara is a Negative Nancy who doesn’t know anything and wants them to fail.

You still don’t have a job, Queefer.  Nancy knows somethin’.

Jenelle smiles and talks about all the people who think she and Kieffer have nothing going for them, but “little do they know…”  What?  Your grand master plan is to get jobs and get an apartment together.  Which you haven’t managed to do in the months you’ve been together.  There is a reason it hasn’t come together before now and that’s because it’s not going to…  Then Kieffer reveals that if neither of them can find jobs or a place to live, he’ll have to go back to Jersey.  That throws Jenelle for a loop.  I hope not.  Jersey doesn’t deserve those shorts.

In South Dakota, there’s a montage of Chelsea vacuuming, Chelsea changing Aubree and Adam sleeping as she VOs that Adam isn’t being much help around the house.  Shocking.  I’m just… I don’t even know what to say about this, the most shocking shock I have ever received.

But then shit gets real for me when Chelsea brings Aubree into their bedroom and asks Adam to watch the baby for a while while she gets ready to go see the hair school people.  Adam whines that Chelsea should just put Aubree ON THE FLOOR and I want to grab one of my spiked heels and slam it into Adam’s ear.  Chelsea whines that the floor is diiiiirty, but other than that, does nothing really to get Adam’s lazy ass out of bed.  Aubree goes with Chelsea to the salon…

Wins this week’s Best Baby What the Fuck Face!!!  “Mom!  Take the firecracker off my head!  We’re in public – at a salon!”

Somehow Chelsea manages to both be a mom and apply several pounds of mascara, and she and Aubree head to the beauty school.  Molly goes crazy over Aubree, and it’s clear from her behavior, Chelsea is not the first teen mom to choose such a career path.  When Chelsea reveals she still has FIVE high school classes to finish and asks if a GED would be an acceptable replacement, Molly affirms without blinking an eye that a GED will be just fine.  Molly’s seen it all.

Chelsea heads home to find that Adam has summoned enough strength to move to the couch, but not enough to put on a shirt, so she sits down to talk to him about her choice.  He positively remarks “Good Enough Degree” when she mentions the GED, then they both laugh about Aubree putting a headband over her eyes.

Why do I have this sinking feeling that Adam actually did finish high school…?

When Chelsea asks for his help when she’s in school, Adam bites his nails and mumbles that he’s worked here and there and… that’s kind of it.  Chelsea VOs that she hopes he’s serious about helping her out and getting a job.  I’m still wondering what in their conversation lead her to believe that would happen.

Aaah, back to West Virginia, to a couple that has every right to be hopeful.  Corey’s parents take them out for Italian food to celebrate their engagement, and the next day the couple heads to see their pastor for some pre-marriage counseling.

I can’t decide if Pastor Tim is hilarious on its own or if any name is funny when you put the work Pastor in front of it.  Pastor Joe.  Pastor Greg.  Pastor Pete.  Oh man, it’s so much better with alliteration!!!

He asks the couple if they love each other with all their hearts and if they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other, and Corey and Leah answer those questions very, very seriously.  It’s like they think if they fail the test Pastor Tim won’t marry them.  As though what you feel at the outset of your marriage affects the end result in the sliiiiightest.

Pastor Tim moves on to discuss Ali, and the problems she will create in her parents’ marriage.  He believes that she’ll walk normally one day, but he knows that it’ll be a long, hard journey to get there, so the kids had better be prepared for stress.  I don’t know.  Seems like when Corey and Leah get stressed they back together.  And get engaged.   And talk about things honestly.

” I can’t take this guy seriously.”  “Me neither.”  “Good thing we took some acting classes before we came.”

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn leaves Isaac with the mysterious Junior who keeps stepping up so she go hunting for a second job.  She visits an Italian restaurant and it looks like they want to hire her as a hostess.  She texts Jo the good news and this is what he sends back to her:

What a fucking baby.

Jenelle has a similar journey in the next segment, and she’s also successful at getting a job.  Hilariously it is as a waitress at a bar called “Drifters.”  Oh MTV, you are so very droll…  She’s all excited when she picks up Kieffer, but guess who didn’t have such good luck finding a job?  One-Eyed Jack over here is a helluva sad monkey to find out that his complete lack of qualifications is holding him back.

In West Virginia, it looks like dessert was served first and now it’s onto the steak and potatoes.  Leah has noticed that in addition to Ali’s fucked up limb situation, she’s also crossing her eyes.  Oh my God, could anything else go wrong with this baby????  I swear, Aleeyah must think she has superpowers or something what with her walking and standing and seeing all over the place.  Leah takes Ali to an eye doctor, and just when I think she’s going to have a problem with Ali that she can fix, the eye doctor has to go and tell her that it’s probably something wrong with Ali’s bring ALONG WITH whatever problem is in her spine.  He doesn’t even tell Leah that crosseyed babies happen all the time.  He’s just all, “Yup, that there’s a brain problem.”

Which of course, makes Leah completely break down.

It’s so sad, and then we find out that the adorable glasses Ali will be fitted for aren’t even covered by Leah and Corey’s insurance!  Damn, Girl.  If anyone deserves a “Fuck My Life” baseball bat to be beat medical professionals with, it’s you.

In South Dakota, Chelsea’s headed over to her dad’s house to show him that Aubree’s walking… and tell him that she’s getting’ a GED instead of a degree.  What follows is a discussion that rivals Barbara and Jenelle in its lack of communication.  Randy’s saying smart things, but he’s letting his dumbshit daughter interrupt him with her dumbshit comments, so nothing ever really gets solved.  Observe:

Chelsea: I’m getting my GED.

Randy: Why didn’t you finish high school?

Chelsea: I had so much going on!  How could I possibly finish high school?

Randy: I stopped bugging you about school and look how well that worked out.

Chelsea: I want everyone to stop bugging me about high school.

Randy: Adam doesn’t bug you-

Chelsea: OMG, DAD, WHAT DOES ADAM HAVE TO DO WITH IT YOU ALWAYS BLAME EVERYTHING ON HIM!

Randy: I just think he should be helping you out and taking care of the baby while you study.

Chelsea: I think he should get a job.

Randy: I think if you’re not going to school, you both need to get jobs.

Chelsea: OMG, DAD, WHAT DOES ADAM HAVE TO DO WITH THIS? WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ADAM YOU ALWAYS BLAME EVERYTHING ON HIM.

That’s pretty much how it goes.  *sigh*  When Adam inevitably leaves Chelsea, this story will get more interesting again.  Until then, this is painful.

Pushover For Life

In Pennsylvania, Kailyn confronts Jo about the text message he sent her, and it’s actually… weirdly interesting.  She asks him why he would send her something like that, and he matter-of-factly states that he “f***ing hates [her].”  Kailyn’s a little taken aback by Jo’s reaction, and asks him why he would be so awful in text.  Jo explains that he hates that he’s tried to work things out with her and that she insists upon moving out and inevitably failing instead.  I have to say, I really don’t understand Jo’s insistence that Kailyn will fail.  It’s so, so, soooooo childish, and not getting him anywhere.  I get that he’s childish, angry and stupid and….  Okay, nevermind.  I think I just answered my own question.

You’re so much better off.  SO much better off.

Back to North Carolina where my hatred of Kieffer grows with each passing minute.  Jenelle heads to school and undergoes that most universal of all college hazing rituals – the buying of books.  I swear, the best thing about being an English Major was when I discovered that I could get all my fiction books on half.com for no more than a dollar apiece.  Suck it, Bio majors!

Jenelle heads to her first class which is math, and there’s some shot s of her wandering around campus.  It’s a good first day, and she can’t wait to rush home and tell Kieffer all about it.

Mmmistake.

Kieffer’s still down in the dumps at his total lack of potential, so when Jenelle tells him about school, he doesn’t even try to talk to her about it.  He just stares at her blankly and tells her that he’s never been to school, so he has no idea what she’s talking about.  He’s really dramatic about it, too, like he’s trying to make her feel bad for bettering her life and not taking him with her.  Aw, fuck you, Man.  This girl has enough bullshit people around her without you being a whiny bitch because you didn’t go to school and now you’re all surprised that it’s hard to find a job.

And on that note, we begin our final montage of sad monkies.  Jenelle, Kailyn and Leah have real reasons to be upset, while Chelsea’s just whining in a pile of her own poop.  She and Adam moved in exactly the direction toward shiftlessness and lack of achievement we all knew they would, and Corey and Leah remain on the path to Righteousness!  But Kailyn and Jo look less and less like they’re going to have a happy ending like I thought they might, and Kieffer’s showing a side of himself that makes me think he might be a total asshole.  All right, Teen Mom.  Acceptable.

Whatever, next week – Jordan returns!  I think THIS is when Kailyn gets kicked out!!!  Oh, and Ali finally gets her MRI.  And Jordan returns!!!