Teen Mom: Without You… ‘Ask Motley Crue’

Like Teen Mom wasn’t already enough of a mess, they had to go and bring Motley Crue into it?  When I saw that title, ‘Without You,’ all I could hear was the Crue’s iconic power ballad, which is almost as cheesy as this show is sometimes.  Like Motley Crue can help these kids.  All I could see in my mind was an imaginary photo montage of Butch and Kim rolling up to their prom in a Camaro, and Debra on an unidentified beach with an even bigger, more feathered ‘do than she has now.  Can I just say, though, that Debra’s hair is looking terrific lately?  It’s always a perfect feather, on both sides!  I bet Motley Crue would give great advice to Teen Moms…

The Crue Kicks Teen Mom Ass!!! (Tommy Lee is clearly frustrated with Amber trying to copy him all the time, though)

Maci

“Dear Motley Crue,

I have a cute baby, a supportive family, and an unemployed boyfriend who is really nice.  I like hanging out with him all the time.  Before I had Bentley,  I wanted to get a journalism degree, but now I just want to be a stay-at-home-mom and I’m thinking about dropping all of the classes I’m failing, which is all  of them. Should I stay in school?  xoxo, Maci”

“Dear Mommy Track Maci,

We’d like to quote our mega-hit, ‘Same Old Situation, because it never changes with you and college! ‘It’s the same old, same old situation, the same old, same old ball and chain…’  Gurl, please.  Like we’re going to tell you to stay in school.  Plus, you pride yourself on not doing what people tell you to do, so you’re mostly wasting Motley Crue’s time here.  You’re Maci, and you’re gonna do what you want.  The only thing we need to caution you on is that your baby’s actual father really truly loves his baby boy and wants to make things totally legal.  We’ve been to jail a lot and it sucks.  Wait.  That’s different. But still… beware the Ides of Court.   <3, Motley Crue”

Maci’s trying to study, but Kyle and Bentley keep needing her attention.  Kyle’s not found a job yet, and he’s bugging her all the time to hang out.  Bentley does it too, but Bentley’s 2 years old so we’ll let him slide.  Maci’s awesome, supportive live-in serious boyfriend is so super mature that he wants to bond and play and junk, instead of helping out with Bentley so Maci can get her homework done for that silly old education she keeps saying she wants.  Wow.  I recognize a pattern here; a big complaint she still talks about two years later is that Ryan wasn’t helpful when Bentley was an infant.  And then they show us Kyle being so… not that much more helpful, really.

Trying to study when the baby wants lunch…. and Bentley needs a diaper change.

To reiterate how gross and not glamorous it is to have a baby, they show a massive potty training failure to communicate.  Not really anyone’s fault, since everyone is a beginner here, but the upshot is we endure more reminders that babies do gross things, like leak pee everywhere and worse.  Motherhood requires giving up any attachment one has to avoiding someone else’s bodily fluids.  Mothers are barfed on daily all around the world, and teen moms are no different.  I wonder if these scenes are part of the deterrent message.  The ongoing discussion with this show is, ‘Does Teen Mom desensitize teens to pregnancy?’  It’s so timely that there was a Talk of the Nation interview with series creator Loren Dogen about it 8.20.11.  It’s located here: http://www.wbur.org/npr/139676173/does-reality-tv-misrepresent-teen-parenthood.  The goal is peer-to-peer communication that the show can create; the question is how to do that without making teen motherhood look easy or normal.  It is not easy, and having a child at 16 or 17 isn’t the cultural norm here.  It’s interesting to think about.

Back to the show, Maci was just saying the other day to her friend that Kyle is so helpful, he even will change poopy diapers but now we see him telling her to do it.  I think someone named Maci sometimes romanticizes things a bit.  She eventually leaves her studies to change Bentley’s pants, and make lunch for the baby and Bentley.

Later on, after Ryan’s parents pick up Bentley, they’re doing some coloring when Ryan walks in from work, filthy and altogether hunky.  They say hello and have a quick conversation about whether or not Ryan has contacted an attorney.  He has, and he was advised to get a copy of the mediation agreement.  Ryan doesn’t want to change the agreement, really.  Ryan covered in mechanic dirt is right on; I’m surprised he’s not done some Levi Johnston style modeling, honestly.  But no, he keeps his pants on, darnit, and tells his parents that he just wants to make is a legal custody arrangement.  He wants to make sure Maci can’t change the rules, or pull rank because she thinks she has rank.  Finally, Ryan looks alive.  It finally looks like it’s Ryan that’s driving this, rather then his mother pushing it.  She’s actually coming off as a bit of a control freak.  I wonder if there’s some competition between Maci and Jen.  I bet there is, and I bet it’s classic mother-in-law stuff.  I doubt it’s super serious, since they get along and seem to have a pretty respectful relationship, but I betcha anything there’s an under-current of competition there.

While Bentley’s at Ryan’s, Maci laments to a friend.  She doesn’t get her school work done whenBentley’s with her but she can’t get it done when he’s not, either.  She has to put him first when he’s there, and I guess we’re to assume that studying while he takes a nap or after he goes to bed is impossible.  She can’t concentrate when he’s gone though, because she misses him, and she can’t concentrate in class, because she has class on Thursdays and then Bentley goes to Ryan’s on Fridays and she doesn’t see him for a couple days.  Oh, cry me a river.  At a certain point, you have to accept your circumstance and make a choice.  She’s got to choose here – is it journalism, or is it home-maker, with an unemployed boyfriend to support her uneducated-by-choice self forever and ever?  She also tells her gal pal that she has complete control over Bentley’s comings and goings into and out of Ryan’s life.  She emphasizes that she can take him anywhere, and that Ryan has no say, unless he takes her to court.  DUN DUN DUN…. !

In the very next scene for them, Ryan’s meeting with an attorney.  They discuss the mediation agreement, and that there’s nothing stating she can’t move the baby at her will.  The lawyer is pretty taken aback when Ryan tells him that Maci has already moved Bentley once before, and didn’t tell him about the move until two days before it happened.  There’s nothing in the mediation agreement that says she can’t move Bentley wherever she wants.  Buuuuut, now that Ryan’s working, he’s a good candidate for joint legal custody, and the attorney’s going to file a petition that includes a clause stating Maci can’t move Bentley out of the area.  It’s not the attorney’s first time at the rodeo, and he tells Ryan to keep this all hush-hush around Maci and just let her get served.  If she knows in advance that it’s coming, she’ll probably drive her car into Ryan’s man-cave and then vandalize it with self-tanner.

Ryan never looks this alive, which is admittedly still barely alive.  It has everything to do with his getting legal confirmation that Maci moving Bentley to Nashville was total bull-ish.

Maci meets up with her friend at school, and she’s got Bentley with her.  She thought she’d be done with school in about two years, and have a journalism degree.  But here it is two years later, and her priorties have become finding a family and making it thrive, causing her to fall behind in school.  Thank you, Maci!  I actualy commend her for finally being honest.  She’s got babies on the brain, and she loves hanging out at home with her guys.

Give me a minute guys, so I can drop all my classes yet again before I ruin my GPA by failing them.  UGH.  Last week, she said she was almost done with school!

She wants to be a full time Mama, and decides to drop her classes before she actually fails them.  Again.  She does this a lot, and has all the way back to Season One.    She pouts that she has to put Bentley first, and keep Kyle alive, and while this is true, I wish she’d quit the dramz here.  She didn’t set a schedule and buckle herself into it, because school isn’t and never was a priority for her.  As soon as she had Bentley, her entire focus was on creating a family.  When it didn’t work out with Ryan, she fast-tracked a family with the next guy.  She’s going to keep at it until it works out with someone, because this is what Maci wants and as we all know, Maci gets what she wants, y’all.  She says that being a parent means sacrifices, but really?  She’s doing what she wanted to do all along, which is have a family.  There’s no shame in that game.  At this point, I just hope she can be open-minded enough to do the right thing and not pitch a monstrously possessive fit when Ryan makes their joint custody legal.  I, personally, would not want to be in a 30 mile radius when Maci gets served with a petition for joint custody…. but I can’t wait to watch it on mah teevee!

Caitlynn

“Dear Motley Crue,

My boyfriend is graduating, and I’m barely passing my fifth year of high school (but I’m passing!  Yay!).  I’m really nervous that when he goes to college, things are going to change even though we gave our baby up for adoption so we could change ourselves and make a better life for us, as well as give her a better life.  Also, I want him to wear a boy engagement ring, and he thinks it’s stupid!  Am I wrong here? xoxo, Caitlynn”

“Dear Clingy Caitlynn

You need to Kickstart your Heart!  Lighten up, Babe!  ’When we started this band, all we needed was a laugh…!’  You’re living with your man, you’ve got a little part-time job for cig money, and you’re finishing that elusive fifth year of high school, which trust us, can be a bitch.  You have a great relationship with your baby’s adoptive parents, and you have a bright future!  Enjoy the ride! lylas, Motley Crue p.s. Please give our regards to Butch.  We still talk about that night in Detroit, with the strippers, and the… nevermind.  You’re too young for this story.  Well, say ‘hey’ to Butch for us, though, yeah?”

Caitlynn and Tyler are shooting pool with some friends, and looking forward to the future.  In the show’s time, it’s right around the holidays and Tyler’s about to graduate high school in December then head off to college in January.  We’re looking at the immediate future in their segments, is where I’m going with this set-up.  Caitlynn missed a little more school than Tyler, and she’s going to finish in  March and then they’ll both walk in June.  Exciting!  Tyler throws it out there that it would be cool if Carly could be there for their graduation ceremony, since they don’t think it would have happened had she not come into their lives, and had they not gone through the adoption, and the subsequent consideration of their own futures.  With Carly, regardless of whether they raised her or Brandon and Theresa did, they had to think about their futures for the first time.  They’re happy, and excited, that they got to this place.

I’d like to thank these two for looking like my friends in 8th grade…. my friends who were ‘tween Crue Groupies!!!  Also, there’s speculation the one with the awesome big hair is trying to mack on Tyler.  She looks like a girl who doesn’t even both with earrings; who wants to waste time when it’s time to throw down????

Kim’s having a little celebration for her boy, and Tyler calls to see if Butch can make it.  He’s out of the half-way house, but he’s working at the gas station and he can’t make it happen.  Tyler’s not disapointed; as I suspected, he’s past putting expectations on Butch that Butch will show up at things like graduation parties.  They keep hitting on ‘if Carly were here,’ and I know some commenters disagree but it just reads to me that they’re encouraged to do this.  In seasons past, they didn’t visit the ‘what if’ so often.  I think time-wise, they’re moving on; well, not ‘I think.’  We saw it last week that they’re moving on, and feeling less compelled to contact Brandon and Theresa as often, which is why I feel there’s maybe some producer-encouragement here.  On the other hand, of course, they’re actually looking at some life-changes right now.  Turning points like graduations can absolutely lead to thinking about the ‘what ifs.’ Like, when I turned 35, I thought a lot about, “What if I had married my boyfriend from the 1990s?  Would I be an obese alcoholic with unhappy children and a hand-me-down Dodge Caravan?”

They sit down for a dinner/study session for Caitlynn.  Sidenote: They’re having chili and chocolate milk for dinner.  So gross, but sort of adorable, too.  When you’re on your own for the first time and all the food in your house is only food that you like, you get so excited to eat it, in any combination.  Those were the days.  My roomie would make hamburgers that were actually still breathing they were so rare, and eat them with a bowl of matzoh ball soup.

Yo, back up off me.  I love chili and I love chocolate milk!

The next day or so, Caitlynn’s taken her test and they need to find out how she did, if she got the 60 that she needed to keep herself from a failing grade.  She and Tyler meet with The Teacher Who gives a Shit, which you know because of his pony tail  and also that they call him by his first name, Monty.  Monty’s the kind of giuy who I imagine goes to the gym every day, and plays in a classic rock cover band on the weekends.  I bet he drives a snow-biten Camry, too.  He’s got a great Northern accent.  I think I have a thing for Northern accents, and I just realized it.

Anyways, Caitlynn rocks a 65, and Motley Crue would be proud, but I wish this awesome girl, with such a good head on her shoulders and such a sweet heart had parents who pushed her to do more than just pass high school.  Sadly, Caitlynn is lacking in the Parents Who Give a Shit Department.  She learns she’s up to a 68, so she’s still okay for now.  Caitlynn wasn’t lucky in the mom lottery, and she got the number she needed.  She did what needed to be done, and sometimes that’s cool, too.  Monty and the kids talk a little about how, post-baby, high school is kind of fun.  It has a value attached to it that it didn’t have before Carly.  They chose adoption so that they could give Carly a better life than what they were equipped to handle at the time she was born, and they also feel obligated to make that decision lead them to more solid ground for themselves.  They owe it to Carly.

Kim throws a party for Tyler, and they have a mother-son moment.  I really love their relationship.  They sit alone together for a minute, wherein Tyler takes a minute to thank her.  She thinks he’s thanking her for the party, but he takes it a step further, and thanks her for pushing him, even when he was a little punk and hated her for trying to push him to stay in school.  She’s really proud of him, and I’m really proud of this show for that scene.

Yo, I’ll back up off you – you finished high school!

Later on, back at home, Caitlynn and Tyler spend some time chatting in bed.  Caitlynn’s feeling some anxiety about all of the changes they’re about to experience, because of graduation and Tyler going to college.  It’s understandable, because with success comes responsibility.  They’re great, because they’re the kind of people who want and work for achievments.  At some level, they understand that the more they accomplish, the harder they have to continue to work toward the next goal.  She’s ‘joking around,’ worrying about co-eds trying to pull a steal on her guy.  She laughs out that she thinks Tyler should be wearing a guy engagement ring.  Since we’re over 30, we know that this joking is really just a way to express her insecurities.  Tyler laughs it off and tells her that if any girl tried to break off a piece of his Kit Kat bar, he’d just be all, “Yo, back up off me, I’m engaged!”

Yo, back up off me, I’m engaged!

Farrah

“Dear Motley Crue,

My baby’s father died unexpectedly while I was still pregnant with my daughter.  Our families did not get along at all.  It’s been almost exactly two years since he passed away, and I’ve recently connected with his father’s side of the family.  I’m going to take my daughter to see Derek’s grave and meet his paternal side of the family for the first time.  I’ve never been to the grave myself, and I’m really scared.  Any words of wisdom?  xoxo, Farrah”

“Dear Fearful Farrah,

First of all, we know it’s sad, but hon you are not a pretty crier.  Wow, dry those tears, for you and for us, then sit down right here.  You thought you were a ’Too Fast For Love,’ hot shit kind of girl, but then your estranged boyfriend died suddenly and now your speed is ’Home Sweet Home.’  Vince?  Will you bring this girl and her mom lighters, so we can play Home Sweet Home  for her?  ’Sometimes nothin’ keeps me together at the seams,’ too.  You’ve got a long road, but you don’t have a choice.  It sucks, so be strong for your little girl.  xoxo, Motley Crue

I get the distinct feeling that Debra was way into the Crue in her youth.  I would bet you anything that she totally had feathered hair, and mall bangs, and zippered jeans that she wore with fingy jackets.  Ya know why I think that?  She still rocks her fringy jacket and feathered hair.  Know this: Debra partied, and of all the Teen Mom parents, I bet you anything Debra knows a thing or two about how Aqua Net applied to excess before a Guns and Roses concert can create a euphoric affect similar to drugs.  If I had a Hot Tub Time Machine, and some extra time to kill, I would so set a course for ’88 to see what Debra was up to.

I’m convinced that Debra is no stranger to glam-rock head-bangin, from back in her day.

Since it’s not 1988, Debra’s probably not trying to tape ‘Wild Side’ off  Z98 FM, the rock station that comes in from Sioux City.  Instead she’s babysitting for Sohia while Farrah makes plans with Derek’s dad to go visit the grave and meet some of Derek’s extended family.  It’s been about two years exactly since Derek passed away, and Farrah knows this is going to be a dificult thing to do.  She very maturely asks Debra to come with her.  This is a really big deal, because for one, Farrah is really nice about it and for two, Debra wasn’t very empathetic or understanding of Farrah’s grief over Derek.  They have both come so far.  There’s a long way to go here, but this episode is Farrah and her mom working as a team about an area that historically has been really hard for them.

A rare look at Farrah and Debra being, oddly, really great with one another.

Farrah gets Sophia ready to go, and gives her the pictures of Derek in a baby-safe album.  Sophia says, “Dada,” and Farrah’s heart probaby breaks into a million pieces for the first of a million times that it will break over Sophia learning about her father.  Farrah is completely aware that the true tragedy isn’t necessarily her and Derek, although she’s a very young girl and I’m sure that the fantasy of the relationship she had with Derek is far more clear in her mind than the reality.  The reality is that they didn’t get along very well and their families didn’t get along in the least.  Grief in the face of an unexpected tragedy though, tends to lead to idealization and it allows the edges of reality to soften so much that Farrah probably does truly believe that she and Derek would have worked out.  At the very least, he was probably her first love but now he’s dead.  She’s not even old enough to buy a sixer legally.  No matter what the reality was, she’s going to grieve for the relationship as if it was perfect.

She’s grieving for what Derek missed out on, too, that he doesn’t get to see Sophia or hear her say ‘Hi Doggie” to him when he picks her up to hug her.  She’s moreso grieving that Sophia will only know her father through pictures, and stories, and trips to a grave.  That’s incredibly sad, no matter what the Facebook status of their relationship was when he died.  Her grief on these three levels – for herself, for Derek, and for Sophia will never go away.  It’s going to become part of her for all their whole lives, because it’s huge.  You can’t go through this and come out on some other side; there’s not another side.  There’s just the way that a person grows into it and moves more gracefully with it over time.

They roll down to the cemetary with Sophia and the puppy.  They know it’s going to be emotional, and for once, Farrah doesn’t bitch-curl in the face of a difficult emotional experience.  They greet Derek’s dad and step-mother at the cemetary.  Oh man, the grave is decorated tastefully for Christmas, and they’ve left boxes for Sophia and Farrah, with candles to burn for Derek.  They step away to give Farrah and Sophia some space, and Debra stays nearby but even Debra maintains some space.  Everyone is crying a little as they watch Farrah show Sophia the gravestone and the candles; I’m full on bawling.  Hell, even my dog is crying.

Later on, they go back to Derek’s dad’s house and meet more of the extended family.  Farrah and Jerry sit down for some talking time, and Farrah starts to lose it a little.  She understands that she and Derek were so young, they didn’t know each other very well.  They were on a break and then he died, which is just not what you mean when you tell your high school boyfriend that you never want to speak to him again.  Derek’s dad is totally honest with her and tells her that the process of griving sucks, and it doesn’t get any easier.  It’s just fact that this is a complicated, emotional situation and it always will be.  Farrah doesn’t handle emotional things very well, and Jerry totally gets it.  I hope that this relationship Farrah’s building with Derek’s dad’s family lasts.  For Sophia, it will be so important to have this connection to these warm, patient people.  There’s so much love in the Farrah segments, we better cut to Amber before our icy hearts melt too much more and release toxins into our systems that turn us into hippies.

“Dear Motley Crue,

I did not lose custody of my daughter, but she’s not allowed to live with me just now.  I have a documented anger-management problem and I’m on a popular TV show.  I have a meeting with Child Protective Services, to find out if I am a sound mother who can retain custody of her toddler.  I should be fine because even though I’ve beat my boyfriend on national TV a couple of times, he don’t got nothing on me, and they can’t prove anything.  I’m still kinda nervous about it, and I need to not do as much drugs as usual, because I’m going to have to stand/sit up which I don’t normally do very often.  What should I expect to happen?  whispered: why does this keep happening to meeee? xoxo, Christy”

“Dear Christy,

We know you are Amber Portwood.  Stop copying us.  You’re SWFing Tommy and it’s really not cool.  Listen, our book, The Dirt, chronicling our legendary rock and roll excess with alcohol, drugs, women, and fighting was not intended as an advice book.  We’re not sure why you’re living your life based on our lives, nor are we sure why you’re  doing more drugs weekly, than Nikki, Tommy, and Mick did combined from 1986-1988.  We also can’t figure out how you learned nothing from Tommy Lee???  You can’t behave violently toward your partner, or you’re going to jail.  Motley Crue wishes you’d just get on with the jail portion, because it might be the thing that finally helps you like it did for several of us!  So we have only one thing to say to you, Amber: ‘Girl don’t go away mad; girl, just go away’.  peace, Motley Crue.  p.s. If you’re gonna dress chola, just go for it already.  You’ve got half brows, long nails, and button down shirts on all the time.  Seriously, pluck out the other half of your brows, do your bangs, ink your name on your chest, and let’s do this.  Go big, or go home.”

Amber has her meeting with CPS, and she’s lamenting that she has to get up by 10:30 am.  Hold up.  I have to pop my eyes back into my head, because I just rolled them so hard that they fell out.  I should not be so surprised, since Amber has a well-documented issue with being in an upright position.  CPS won’t let Leah say with Amber until the new house is ready, and Amber’s about a week away from it being done.  How is that possible?  This girl has no job, and she’s moving one person.  Herself.  I’ve moved probably 14 times, thanks to college and shitty life/relationship choices.  It does not take a week when you’re barely 20, you have your new place lined up, and you have friends.  I guess she’s really busy with not talking about studying for the GED all the time and  not talking about not working part-time at a tanning salon.

Indiana Chola

Amber’s mom’s going to go with her to the CPA meeting, as is a friend of hers.  I wish it was Kousin Krystal, but maybe Krystal actually does work at the tanning salon and couldn’t get any more time off to watch Amber make herself cry.  Amber does tell her mother that Gary and his mother will be there, and admonishes her to behave.  Amber’s mom doesn’t like Gary or his family at all, which I remember from her 16 & Pregnant episode.  I was surprised it was such an issue though, since last week, the grandmothers were together with Amber and Leah while Amber never once stood up on her feet, and Leah cried when Amber tried to help her into a Halloween costume.  That time they all seemed fine, although Amber’s mom was teary the whole time.  I highly doubt those tears were because of her deep detestation of Gary’s family; more likely, they were tears over how effed this whole thing is, from their trashy bull-ish being on tv to the fact that Amber is completely delusional and likely a major substance abuser (conjecture).

Her friend Kim comes over to go with her to the CPS appointment, and they finish getting ready.  Amber really is doing this Indiana Chola look – half brows, long nails, button down.  I wish she’d go all the way and give me some big bangs though.  Her friend liberally loads up with some of Amber’s perfume, and I can only hope is Britney Spears’ Curious, while Amber loads up on an extra coating of sad panda face.  Amber’s worried about her mom behaving more than she’s worried about being interviewed by CPS regarding custody of Leah.  Amber’s just so… beyond.  I don’t know what to say.  I could call editing, I could call drugs, I could call psychosis but the main thing is that Amber acts like this is no biggie, like everyone takes a spin in the child protective services machine.  Newsflash Amber: This isn’t okay!

Amber’s mom arrives to do the driving.  Amber’s mom has a big SUV, which is all the more reason to call attention to this gigantic hole in Amber’s story about needing another week to get the new place ready and get herself moved in there.  While they’re riding over to the CPS office, Amber’s mom is giving some advice and Amber says, “Oh that’s right.  I keepo forgetting you’re a mom,” as if Amber has cornered the market on motherhood in Anderson, In.  What the deuce, Amber?  Oh yeah.  You’re Amber and nobody is a better mother or can relate to how sometimes, good mothers are made to look bad.  ‘If we blame it on anything, let’s blame it on the rain,’ is Amber’s attitude.  Not my fault!  This happened to me!  Nobody knows how I feel, because nobody else on Planet Earth has birthed a baby and so nobody can understand how it feels to be wrongly accused of domestic violence, even when it was caught on camera on several occasions, and broadcast on MTV!

I have to wonder if Amber feels like she wouldn’t be going through this if the media hadn’t put a spotlight on it.  MTV broadcast it, and in the original airings, there wasn’t PSA info or anything.  Those were tagged on based on the reaction from the media and from the Teen Mom audience.  She sees the Jersey Shore kids beat the crap out of each other, the Challenge and Real World kids walk right up to the line, and I have to wonder if she doesn’t take responsibility, or treat it with appropriate gravity because she doesn’t think it’s real.  This is where reality televsion gets trippy.  It’s very real, but for this girl, it’s totally possible that the lines of reality are blurred beyond recognition for her.  Her reality is that she’s a good mother but she hit her boyfriend.  She may understand she has an anger problem, but she may believe it’s not very serious, and that the only reason she has such serious consequences is because of the show… the show is reality but is any show really real, with production schedules and lighting and junk?  Ugh, now my brain hurts.

So Amber says that she forgot her mother is a mother.  Oh brother.  Amber’s mom doesn’t let it slide though, and tells Amber, “You better remember you’re a mother.”  It’s golden nugget of confirmation that Amber is living nowhere near reality.  Amber wigs with a Vicki Gurrero-worthy, “Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me?”  Shut up, Amber.  They get into a bit and these two are like peas in an uncomfortable pod.  They are a lot alike, in all the bad ways.

The Ladies Portwood, of Anderson, In.  Apple’s on the right-hand side of the photo; tree’s on the right.

They meet up with Gary, Gary’s mom, and Leah inside and things go well.  Amber retains the right to share custody of Leah, but there has to be a home-visit before Leah can stay with Amber.  At the rate Amber’s going getting her new place together, Leah will spend her first night there on the eve of her high school graduation.  Hopefully after four years, not five.  Caitlynn, I’m looking at you.

When they get back to Amber’s old place and debrief, Amber and her mother really get into it.  Amber doesn’t seem very concerned that she can’t have Leah with her right now, and I’m sure this bothers her mother a lot.  Juxtaposed to this, Debra and Farrah should be applying to the Amazing Race because of what an awesome, healthy team they are.  Sheesh.  Amber doesn’t want to hear criticism, constructive or otherwise, because none of this is her fault.  But, Amber does step to her mom and she tells her mom that she should have been more helpful to Amber with Leah, and that she could be more helpful now with Leah.  Amber’s mom keeps saying she wants to be more helpful, and Amber keeps telling her her mom, at top volumn, she should just go get Leah, that her mom could step up more if she really wanted to.  Man, I’m glad my days in crappy apartments with crappy loud neighbors are over.  Can you imagine being her downstairs neighbor?

They both have points here, no matter how poorly and angrily they’re trying to make those points.  Amber needs to care a lot more about all of this, and Amber’s mom is welcome to be more helpful, but she has to do not just say.  They’re so much alike, it’s scary.  Our Amber Bot appears to have not fallen far from the Mothership.  Amber’s mom allegedly can’t stand Gary’s family, and Amber beats up Gary so still, we really do have a matched set with our Ladies de Portwood of Anderson, IN.

Seriously though, Amber clearly inherited or learned this trait of talking about what she needs and/or wants to do but never actually standing up (literally) and doing it.  I think, too, that Amber’s mother feels like it’s gone on too long now, and that if she were to jump in now, it would seem fake or that she’s over-stepping her boundaries.  Parenting Lesson: It’s never too late to over-step in situations like this, when you can see your child falling off the face of Earth’s reality.  Which Amber is doing both on the show and in real-time.   I bet Amber’s mother has no self-esteem and feels like there’s nothing she can do, even though Amber is screaming for help and screaming at her mother to jump in with Leah and be more helpful to creating a stable situation with Amber for Leah.

Amber’s mother.  She looks so incredibly healthy and sober herself…. not.  I’m not sure where she gets off complaining about Gary’s family.  There’s something serious going on in all of this, and I’m not sure we’ll find out from the show what it is.  But I bet it sounds something like ‘description hugs’.

Meanwhile, Gary and his mother sit in a diner with Leah, very quietly having six lunch entrees and all of them with fries.  Gary, in his infinite quest to be The Biggest Romo of All Time, says that when Amber gets it together he’ll be there for her.  Gary’s mom orders four more lunch entrees so she can stuff her feelings about the fact that Gary and Leah will forever and always have to make it work on some level with Amber.But

Gary: “I’ll be there for her when she gets it together.” Gary’s Mom: “Waitress?  I need another two patty melts.  With O’rings.  Please.”

We end with Amber lying in bed, natch and talking in her trademark soft voice, natch, while her friend comforts her, natch.  Never change, Amber.  Never change.  These two, by the way, are doing the old ‘I love you!” “I’m proud of YOU!” “No, I love youuuuuuu..”  ”You’re an awesome mom!”  ?????  Awesome mom, eh?  Most awesome moms I know have children who are allowed to live with them.

“I’m so proud of you!!  You’re SUCH a good mom!!!  The way you lie in bed all the time, instead of working on your new place so Leah can live with you?  And the way you smoke in bed (couldn’t get the screen shot, but there’s a loaded ashtray on the night-stand there)?  It’s just…. wow, Amber.  I don’t know how you do it.  You’re a natural, a naturally great mom!”

So, another week, another level up in the Teen Mom Drom (drama).  I’m hoping we soon see the fallout of Ryan taking Maci to court, and I’m realllllly hoping we see more of that big-haired badass looking chick friend of Caitlynn and Tyler’s.  She looks like a firecracker, and some speculate that she’s after Tyler….  could scandal be a’foot?  Oh, and what about Farrah being nice all episode long?  Surely that won’t last, but I hope Debra’s good hair days do!

Oh well. Until next time, here’s an awesome You Tuber of ‘Without You.’ Rock on, Gasmii…