So last week was “Two Steps Forward,” and this week is “One Step Back.” Not really, though. Of course Corey and Leah are doodling around in Candyland, having widely avoided Lord Licorice and are heading at full speed to Queen Frostine. The game, she is nearly won. Seriously, that could be their entire recap. But don’t worry, all the other girls manage to make me cringe enough that I’ll be tossing in moments from West Virginia so we all have something less nauseating to read periodically.
I could look at this dress for two hours straight if it mean I didn’t have to listen to Chelsea’s babytalk/whine ever again. No such luck…
Chelsea’s not too broken up about her breakup. Don’t really blame her. I mean, now she doesn’t have to wipe the asses of two infants and her friends are allowed to come over again. She’s hanging out with them when she gets a letter from Social Services informing her that they’re taking Adam to court for the TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS in back child support he owes. Chelsea’s pleasantly surprised at this actions and reasons that it was probably due to Randy who’s been calling Social Services and bugging them about Adam’s behavior. She VOs that she’s glad someone’s kicking Adam in the pants, blissfully unaware that that person SHOULD BE HER.
Kailyn and Jo still aren’t speaking, and she heads out to lunch with Suzi to discuss filing for custody, and Suzi is totally supportive, informative and helpful.
Zero to hero, Man. Zero to HERO. Minus the nose ring, of course.
Kailyn just wants to get the arrangement she and Jo already have in writing – Kailyn gets Isaac Sunday nights to Friday mornings, and Jo gets him Friday nights through Sunday. She doesn’t want to change anything and she hopes Jo isn’t a dick about it. What are the chances of that, do you think?
In West Virginia, Leah and Corey are talking out their big “fight” from the previous night. It’s super awesome and mature. Leah explains that the pressure of planning the wedding, Ali’s situation and the uncertainty of a married future scared her. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him, though.
Corey sweetly tells her that whether or not they get married, they’ll still face the same challenges. He thinks they should just take the leap and do it. Leah agrees and they hold hands and walk toward the edge together.
How awesome would it be if Jeff Foxworthy officiated their wedding? HOW AWESOME?
These kids should give marriage seminars.
Aaah, North Carolina. Jenelle and Kieffer are now both staying with his cousin and the honeymoon is officially over. There’s a shot of them snapping at each other in the car, and Kieffer’s hair continues to morph oddly… Jenelle decides to take a break and spend the night at Amber’s. She heads over and they have a vent session.
Aww, I missed Amber.
Apparently Barbara told Jenelle that if she admitted to stealing the cards, the cops wouldn’t have to get involved. Amber wisely points out what Jenelle already knows, though. If Jenelle admits to the theft, Barbara could use that information to nail her to the wall. And I wouldn’t blame Barbara for a fucking second. And, also… Jenelle mentions that she returned from Jersey “yesterday.” Which would mean that she and Kieffer fell the hell apart in less than 24 hours. Hilarious.
In addition to the threat of jail, Barbara sending back Jenelle’s financial aid check meant that Jenelle couldn’t get an apartment, which she would have been able to do had she received it. Jenelle spits that Barbara did it out of spite and she is most definitely right.
Amber’s brilliant solution is for Jenelle and Barbara to have a civil conversation and work things out. Really Amber? Really? Commercial!
We come back to Pennsylvania and Kailyn picks up Isaac from Jo. Things are civil, but she holds off telling about filing for custody until she has more information. Because Jo so loves it when Kailyn surprises him… She takes Isaac home and calls the courthouse to learn how to file for custody. Isaac helps her by being adorable.
I will eat this trash so you don’t have to throw it away, Mommy! Then, when I poop it out, you can send it to Daddy! How he will laugh!
In South Dakota, Chelsea and Randy have lunch and make jokes about how well Randy would have fit in at the Lady Gaga concert with all the girls and gay guys. Jokes…? When asked about her GED, getting it done in time to start beauty school has turned into “someday.” Punishment from Randy? Threats to force her to get a job? Nope. Just a proud Papa smile when Chelsea complains that Aubree is too cute to study with. Christ.
She’s gonna be a lot less cute when she doesn’t want to bring friends home to the crappy ass apartment you share that you pay for out of minimum wage jobs.
Randy tells her to “just do it,” as though that will work, and Chelsea says “I’m gonna,” like it’s true.
Then Chelsea drops the bomb of Adam’s court business, and the hatefest, it begins. Randy’s ecstatic that Chelsea seems to have finally smartened up, and Chelsea’s just happy to have finally stopped eating shit. She’s a little sad, but it’s not as bad as the other times. She also doesn’t want Adam to see Aubree since he dicked her over hasn’t paid his child support.
In SUPER awesome news, Jenelle has refused to move two hours away to stay with Kieffer and his friends. Apparently she wants to stay close to school and Jace, so she heads to Barbara’s house for a “civil conversation” about credit card theft. Credit card theft to the tune of $1200.
Jenelle cautiously admits that she did take Barbara’s cards and used them for gas and food, but nothing else. Barbara and the bills she’s holding that have many, MANY cash advance transactions on them (I KNEW it!) disagree. Jenelle actually looks surprised enough to make me believe that she really didn’t know about these charges. I think one of three things could have happened: a) it was Kieffer, b) someone stole the card in Jersey and used it or c) she’s actually dumb enough to think she could lie about something as traceable credit card charges that make a little map to and from New Jersey. All three equally possible events.
I was dead at the time!
You do need a pin to get cash advances on a card, so it probably was Jenelle, but I can’t, for the life of me, figure out what one would spend $1200 on in two days with nothing to show for it. She doesn’t look like she’s been on a coke bender, and weed just isn’t that expensive. Whatever. Jenelle disputes the charges, which is kind of ironic, and Barbara ignores that, telling her the money needs to be paid back at once. Jenelle actually has the gall to TELL her mother she’ll pay in installments, not all at once, and Barbara’s all, “I’ll haul your ass to court.” Jenelle stomps out and the conversation went exactly as expected.
We return from commercial to a cake tasting in West Virginia. There’s a camoflauge cake and Corey and Leah kind of wanting it and lovlieness in general. Aaah, wasn’t that nice? Don’t you feel a little better facing the rest of them now? Good. Deep breath, everyone!
Kailyn’s at home trying to study with Isaac, and her baby actually IS too cute to study with. Later, at school, she talks with some friends about how hard it is to do everything she’s trying to, and she’s worried that she isn’t going to pass her chemistry class. She’s also worried about the Jo situation, even though they had a civil exchange recently. When one of her friends asks if she thinks it’s necessary to maintain a relationship with Jo for Isaac’s sake, Kailyn shuts that shit down immediately. It’s kinda funny.
Folly, but funny.
Chelsea also attempts to study with a baby, but by “attempt” I guess I mean, “takes a book to a café and holds Aubree in front of the book.” Adam calls, and demands to see Aubree the next day. High off the power she finally has some idea she holds, Chelsea tells him that she and Aubree have very important plans the next day, and if he wants to see his daughter, he needs to call more in advance. When Chelsea says she has plans, Adam says, “Well, that’s dumb.” He’s an ass, but really, what will her plans be? Pushing Aubree on a swing and switching her topknot from one side of her head to the other?
Anyway, he’s looking into getting a job so he’ll pay the $2000 when he can. Chelsea decides she’s done toying with him for the moment and they hang up. Then she rushes back home to her friends so they can stalk him on Facebook.
And oh, my, goodness. That rake! He’s already shacked up with another girl! And it’s only been weeks since he and Chelsea broke up because he was cheating on her all the time! Chelsea and her friends proceed to call this girl they’ve never met a cross between a bulldog and a mouse, then judge the fact that she smokes. And that shit just got personal. Everyone has their vices, bitches. And smoking is social, which is more than I can say for spending hours on eyeliner and internet stalking. (P.S. Dont’ smoke, it’s bad for you.) Chelsea thinks she just might not want Aubree being exposed to another female influence. The girls are super bitchy to a girl who’s only fault is that she’s no smarter than cavewoman sitting between them. It’s ugly.
I don’t like this version of Chelsea, either.
Back from commercial, Jenelle VOs that while she managed to get her financial aid check reissued by the college, unfortunately, she lost her job. Why, you ask? Because when she decided to miss two days of work, she didn’t deem it important enough to call. OMG JENELLE STOP BEING SO MOTHERFUCKING STUPID. I’M RUNNING OUT OF JOKES. When Jenelle calls her boss to address the situation, her excuse for not showing up is that she had family issues. Before she can even get to the end of that excuse, her boss cuts her off asking why she couldn’t have picked up a damn phone. With no answer for that, Jenelle’s fired. You know, I’ve always wondered what the kind of people were that just didn’t show up to jobs and then expected the job to be there when they got back, and now I have my answer.
In South Dakota, Chelsea’s life of rolling around on the floor with her baby and obsessing about Adam with her friends has gotten too stressful, so she and Megan go out for pedicures. You know those people who think televising teen moms on this show will actually encourage girls to have babies? Chelsea, with her house, red convertible bug and allowance is at fault for that.
No, really, you should do it. It’s not a lifestyle choice for everyone, but I get to play with a baby all day and get pedicures whenever I feel like it. My father life is amazing!
At Adam’s new digs (oh, yeah, he’s living with this chick), he and his girlfriend make food and gab about Aubree and Chelsea. Girlfriend is nice and supportive (she doesn’t know Adam very well, I’m guessing) as Adam lists off the reasons having a baby with a whopping $275 a month child support bill is expensive. He actually added up the amount he’s going to have to shell out over 18 years, and it’s (GAWSH!) $50,000. What a little bitch. What’s 2000 divided by 275? Why it’s 7.27! Adam has not paid child support in over seven months! He’s bought a four-wheeler, he’s bought cars (one of which is still at Chelsea’s house), but no, no money for Aubree. Supposedly he’s looking for jobs amidst all the complaining about seeing a baby I find so hard to believe he gives a shit about.
I think she’s pretty. Maybe she’ll get him to shave.
Oh, good, finally we’re back to West Virginia for some people I respect. Actually, we’re in Kentucky. Leah and Dawn have headed down to get Ali’s second opinion. Leah’s overwhelmed by the combination of the wedding and Ali’s appointment, but Dawn tells her to breath. When they get to the doctor’s, tests and X-Rays are done, and thankfully, Ali doesn’t look too uncomfortable. She seems pretty engaged at all the attention she’s been given. Silver lining.
We head to a commercial, and when we return, a doctor stops by with some unfortunate results. While they confirm that one hip isn’t developing as slowly as another, there is still nothing conclusive they can tell her. Disappointed, Leah VOs that the next stop is the geneticist, but she’d really been hoping for some answers.
Ugh, back to the wedding.
In Pennsylvania, Kailyn regrettably drops her chemistry class. They’re still in the withdrawal period, so it’s no problem, but she can’t take any of the classes for her dental hygiene major without chemistry, so she’ll be delayed in her studies. She’s frustrated, and, as she tells a friend, really stressed about the custody agreement with Jo. Even though their arrangement works, at this point, Kailyn is genuinely frightened of Jo and his temper. I want to punch him in the face for her. I’m not fucking scared of him. She’s worried that, out of spite, Jo will snap and make the custody arrangement difficult to process. I’m almost positive he will.
In North Carolina, Jenelle’s shit has surely come back to bite her square on the behind. She can’t talk to Kieffer, Amber’s not picking up her phone, she has no money and no place to stay. She pull her car up the beach access and it looks like that’s where she’ll be sleeping for the night. Which I find kind of funny, actually, but that’s just me. I live in LA where there are real homeless people, so this shit makes me giggle.
Cut to Barbara and MY FAVORITE LAWYER!!!
It’s Mr. Lopalucci, Everyone! When I achieve my lifelong dream of acquiring a Lhasa Apso, Mr. Lopalucci shall be his name.
Barbara discusses her options for prosecution against Jenelle, but Mr. Lopalucci actually advises against pressing charges. It would clear her of the debt, but with a record, Jenelle would be even more of a burden on Barbara because it would be that much harder for her to find a job. Barbara sadly wonders if she couldn’t get Jenelle into some court-ordered counseling, but Mr. Lopalucci doesn’t have any advice for that.
It’s nighttime in Jenelle’s car, and the phone rings. It’s Barbara, and she asks if Jenelle’s all right. Jenelle admits that she’s sleeping in her car because she has no place else to go, and Barbara invites her home. Jenelle is thankful, and they agree to talk in the morning. Man, these two break my heart sometimes. Barbara is a banshee, but she really does love her daughter, and Jenelle is too wrapped up in pain, anger and stupidity to realize it. It reminds me of me and my mom (on a FAR less grander scale). Commercial.
In Pennsylvania, Suzi and Kailyn head to court (there’s Suzi being awesome and supportive again. So weird!), and they begin the process of filing for custody. Oh, wait, no – they are actually filing at this point. Kailyn gets the appropriate paperwork and goes to the post office to mail a copy to Jo. Son of a bitch, he is gonna hit the fucking roooof. Kailyn! The easy way to avoid Jo’s temper is to let him think he’s planning stuff and has some portion of control over the situation. I know you are smart enough to master this rudimentary manipulation.
Ugh, back to South Dakota. And… Guys, I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe that Chelsea has finally stepped up and has started taking Adam to task for being one of the worst people in the Dakotas, and I still hate her. Why? Because Adam calls to talk about seeing Aubree again, and Cheslea spends ten minutes loving (LOVING) dangling Aubree in front of him to punish him for not being the person she wants him to be and having another girlfriend already. Adam’s a dick throughout, but that’s nothing new. Neither of them communicate (mostly Adam’s fault), but Chelsea is so completely using Aubree to get back at Adam that I’m actually more disgusted with her than I am with her pencil-necked rat-faced deadbeat baby daddy (Facebook Ladies? THAT right there is namecalling. Read and learn.) Here’s the conversation in a nutshell:
ADAM: I want to see Aubree.
CHELSEA: Well, you can’t. You owe child support.
ADAM: I’m getting a job, don’t worry about it.
CHELSEA: Well, I’m not gonna stop plans just because you feel like you want to see her.
ADAM: She’s not YOUR daughter Chelsea, she’s OURS.
CHELSEA: She’s more mine than yours. I take care of her more. And I don’t know who or what you’re living with, so that’s another reason I don’t want you to see her.
ADAM: She’s not YOUR daughter, Chelsea, she’s OURS.
CHELSEA: Well, you don’t do anything for her.
ADAM: You’ve never given me a chance to father her!
CHELSEA: We lived together for awhile. Remember?
ADAM: Well, I’m not gonna talk to you while you’re being a child. Bye.
Okay, so reading that back, Chelsea doesn’t come off so bad. But the thing is, she should be upset that Adam all of a sudden wants to see Aubree. But this is her expression for the entire conversation:
She’s having a blast punishing Adam by not letting him see Aubree. She’s tickled pink he hasn’t paid child support because it gives her the upper hand, which she never has. It’s not like she needs the money. Yeesh. These people suck. Randy backs up Chelsea, so he’s on my shitlist a little too, right now. Commercial!
Yay! West Virginia! Yay! Wedding stuff!
YAY! REDNECK TUXES!
Leah comes home from Kentucky, and tells Corey what little information the doctors told her. Ali needs to start walking by the age of two for there to be any long term hope for normalcy. Both Corey and Leah hope that she’ll be all right without the use of braces or anything that would make her stick out or get made fun of. Leah vows that while they’ll work with Ali to give her the best life possible, Leah will be by her daughter’s side through it all, even if Ali’s disabled for life. STOP MAKING ME CRY, SHOW.
And we end in North Carolina. Joy. Jenelle wakes up in the morning and she and Barbara have their talk. Barbara has decided not to press charges against Jenelle to help her wayward daughter avoid jail time. Jenelle is sullenly unthankful, but willing to take care of the debt and work things out with the credit cards. But Barbara can’t enjoy her win. She has to go one step too far and bring up Jenelle’s relationship with Kieffer. She tells Jenelle that if Kieffer hadn’t been involved, she doubts Jenelle would have taken the cards. Jenelle gets upset and protests that Kieffer had nothing to do with the theft – he didn’t come in the store, he didn’t swipe the cards, he didn’t do anything (but sit in the car and shout, “Put premium in it!”). Barbara tells Jenelle her life is going downhill and she should grow up.
But if words worked with Jenelle, she wouldn’t look obviously stoned right now.
So after Barbara takes a risk on her credit to keep her daughter out of jail, guess what happens next week! Jenelle gets arrested with Kieffer for squatting in a house and smoking pot! OOOH! I wonder if it was the beach house…
Stay tuned – season finale next week. Redneck Wedding!!