Baby, baby, baaaabbbyyyyyy….”
Hear that sound? The pre-pubescent voice cracking, the soft flipping of helmet hair, training bras hitting the stage… That is the sound of BIEBER FEVER!!!
BIEBER FEVER is spreading at a rapid rate, like crabs on a Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat Challenge. There’s no escaping it, and E! has decided to expedite Bieber’s grip on the masses by infecting us all via an exclusive tell-all interview entitled: Justin Bieber “My World”.
Welcome to MY WORLD! Just b.c. my balls haven’t dropped yet doesn’t mean I can’t grab my crotch like M.J. Whooo hooooo.
For those living under a rock and are unfamiliar with the Biebs, replace “OMG IT’S FINGER BANG” with the shrill shrieks of ‘OMG IT’S JUSTIN BIEBER. LIKE OMG” and you’ll get the picture.
That’ll be 5 dollars.
Hold on tight guys as we enter the world of Tupperware haircuts, the Limited Too and Lip Smackers chapstick.
Our invisible E! narrator (we’ll call him Charlie’s Angels) tells us BIEBER FEVER has gone global. Oh snap!
On the scene since 2009, Bieber has racked up nearly a dozen hits. Oh hello there, it is Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun. LOL @ Scooter. I’m sorry but anyone who is named Scooter automatically makes me think of this:
Scooter dancing in a cage from “A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie”.
L.A. Reid tells us that Bieber had the coolest hair he had ever seen (no duh), the charm of Michael Jackson and the talent of Elvis Presley.
Urrrsher tells us that when he heard Bieber’s voice he knew it was going to be a musical journey that people are gonna remember for a long time. Oh Usher, you wise old sage.
THE ORIGINS OF BIEBER
Justin Drew Bieber was born March 1, 1994 in Stratford, Ontario. Oh my fucking god! BIEBER IS CANADIAN!!!
SHHHHH KEEP THE CANADIAN PART ON THE DL.
Bieber’s momma Pattie Mallette got knocked up as teen by some guy named Jeremy. She tells the camera she was a week or two late and was anxious to get Justin out of her uterus.
Even in the womb I was performing. Sorry about your kidneys moms, but I needed drums. Anyway, I had concert commitments so momma had to wait…
Pattie tells us once she ridded the Bieber from her beaver he didn’t look back. He was a hyper kid, always on the go.
Pattie and Jeremy couldn’t make it work and split when Justin was 10 months old; however they still managed to co-parent little Biebs even with Jeremy working in another province (as a Canadian Mountie perhaps?)
Ryan Butler, Justin’s friend, tells us that the town of Stratford where Justin grew up was small. Everybody went to school together.
I guess you can say I was the Winnie Cooper of my school. ‘wink’
As a single mother, Biebs’ mother did a variety of odd jobs to make ends meet.
I was a cashier, phone sex operator and even applied to be a Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon but that damn Tony Danza nabbed that cushy job.
But God and the Bible always provided for them and blessed Bieber with beautiful lady lovely locks.
MEMAW AND PAWPAW (DALE) BIEBER
Bieber’s MeMaw and PawPaw helped out whenever they could. They made sure Bieber knew the proper Canadian pronunciation of “about” i.e. “aboot,” how to cook delicious Canadian Bacon, and schooled him in Canada’s rich cinematic history with such movies as “Porky’s, “Mambo Italiano” and the Canadian werewolf film, “Ginger Snaps”.
I recommend checking that one out. LOLZ.
Bieber was also apparently a little jock, participating in sports like hockey, soccer, track and field.
My dream was to be Joshua Jackson’s character in “Mighty Ducks” b.c. DUCKS ROCK!!!
THE POWER OF MUSIC
The Biebers/Dales are like the Patridge Family; everyone plays an instrument, Mama Biebs tells us her little Bieber has been playing the drums since he was two.
Hold up! You know I started out playing drums with your kidneys in the womb.
Charlie’s Angels says Justin eventually learned how to play guitar, keyboard and trumpet but his favorite thing was singing.
Mama Biebs says when Bieber was 12-years-old he came to her and asked if he could try out for Stratford Idol. She was hesitant because Bieber had never had any formal lessons but agreed.
Bieber sang Urrrsher’s “You Got It Bad” and made it to the next round.
Everyone loves an Urrrsher song!
For the first week, Bieber kept the Stratford Idol competition on the DL. None of his friends knew about it. Bieber explains that he played sports, he didn’t sing just like Troy.
Voices in my head tell me they know best…
Eventually he told them and PawPaw tells us his Bieber had a bunch of little girl groupies toward the end. How Motley Crue of you Biebs.
Toward the end of the competition it was down to Bieber and an 18-year-old girl. Hmm 12-year-old Hanson girlie girl look-a-like or 18-year-old girl with tits. No brainer. The judges give it to the 18-year-old. Should have stuffed your bra Bieber.
Nevertheless Mama Biebs is proud of her little Biebs and tells us one judge was so upset that she actually got up and left. I wonder if this was the judge:
BIEBER: A YOUTUBE STAR
As word spread of Bieber’s musical talents, friends and family who lived out of town wanted to see him perform so Mama Biebs videotaped all of her little Biebs’ performances and posted them on YouTube.
Charlie’s Angels tells us it wasn’t long before Justin went viral. VIRAL BIEBER!!!
Soon people began requesting Bieber to do songs and views of his YouTube videos continued to blow up thanks to guys like this:
Mmmm that’s some nice hair you got there Bieber. Play that Ne-Yo song for me will ya?
Soon people started contacting Justin and his mom, trying to get him to do events or if Bieber needed a manager.
Mama Biebs was cautious. She knew that the music industry is tough and easily corrupts people. Mama Biebs wanted to make sure that Bieber’s God-given talents were put to the right use.
It’s not all about him, it’s about him serving his people.
Wow. Bieber is just like Moses. He’s going to lead his Bieberettes to the promised land: Dollywood.
Where ‘the mountains’ are majestic and ‘tents are pitched.’
ENTERTAINING LIKE A STREET URCHIN
Bieber got his traveling minstrel on by performing for incoming bus loads of people. Bieber tells us it was easy. All he had to do was sit on the steps and sing. It also helped that he dressed as a Dutch girl and had a sign that said “Sucky Sucky $5″.
PawPaw was his pimp and MeMaw proudly tells us Bieber made $150 to $200 an hour. HOLY CRAP!!
Charlie’s Angels tells us meanwhile Bieber’s online popularity continued to grow, catching the attention of Atlantic Agent Scout: Scott “Scooter” Braun. Tehehe Scooter.
Scooter was looking for a kid that could sing soulful records about loving a monkey and knowing ABC’s like Michael Jackson but at the same time being tolerable for adults.
It is a little known fact that adult car accident suicides have been traced back to 5-hour car rides of listening to Kidz Bop. That cover of Gwen Stefani’s B-A-N-A-N-A-S by a five-year-old snot-nosed kid is enough to drive anyone to crash into a gas pump.
Or have a freak gasoline fight accident.
Scooter went stage 5 clinger and began stalking Justin Bieber. He finally got ahold of Mama Biebs and offered to fly her and Bieber to Atlanta.
Mama Biebs was skeptical until Scooter put his friend Kenny on the phone. Kenny told Mama Biebs that he goes to church. Seriously?
Mama Biebs finally relented and her and Biebs flew to Atlanta. The trip was Justin’s first trip on an AEROplane.
In Atlanta, the Biebs and his mama meet Scooter’s parental unit: Nanny.
Mama Biebs is impressed that Scooter is so family-oriented. She also wants to know where Nanny gets her socks. Scooter takes Mama Biebs and Bieber to the studio where they run into Urrsher.
Urrsher tells us he sees Bieber and is like “Kid isn’t dressed properly. It’s 30 below out here.” Yeahhh because Atlanta has 30 degrees below weather.
Urrsher tells Bieber he is headed into the studio and doesn’t have time to jam, but if it’s meant to be the two will meet again. Awwww.
Later Scooter shows Urrrsher Bieber’s videos and gets Usher’s attention. Then Bieber joins Urrsher in the studio and Urrsher says he is definitely feeling the BIEBER FEVER!!!
Unfortunately, Scooter has other ideas. He sends Bieber to Memphis to meet with Justin Timberlake.
Bieber grins and tells the camera he got to meet Jessica Biel.
I so could have sent her to “Seventh Heaven”.
Then it came down to a bidding war over who Bieber would sign with: Urrsher or Mr. J.T.
And L.A. Reid signed Bieber. Bam! Record deal!
Scooter didn’t want a T.V. show for Bieber. He wanted Bieber to be a musician first. While L.A. Reid and his peeps came up with a plan, Scooter hooked Bieber up with a vocal coach and sent him straight into the studio.
MOVING TO ATLANTA…
Bieber and his momma kissed MeMaw and PawPaw good-bye and moved to Atlanta.
Mama Biebs tells us she prayed a lot and had a prayer telephone tree for her and Biebs too. PawPaw says he worried that he wouldn’t see his little Biebs again. : (
Ryan Good, Urrsher’s assistant, was assigned by Urrsher to be Bieber’s Puffy/P. Diddy. Ryan’s job was to cultivate Bieber’s image. Fun.
Urrsher tells us Bieber’s lovely lady locks are all Bieber: they’re his trademark. Bieber tells us that it only takes him 5 minutes to do his hair in the morning. 5 minutes!?!?! THAT LITTLE BITCH!
Silky smooth patented hair flip.
TIME FOR A MUSIC VIDEO…
Record execs decided “One Time” was going to be Bieber’s first video. Turns out that Bieber’s video was accidentally released two weeks early on iTunes. The video, released on a Friday, immediately jumped to no. 2. Scooter tells us that’s when they knew for sure they had something special on their hands. Really? The hair didn’t tip you off? (see patented hair flip above)
MOM IS STILL THE BOSS…
In 2009, Biebs had a hit song and video, but Momma Biebs was still the boss, forbidding Bieber to have a Big Mac.
But Mommmm, all I want is two all beef patties, special sauce…
Justin’s vocal coach Jan Smith tells us it’s difficult for a mom to discipline a super star like Bieber.
Mama Biebs explains that once in awhile she’ll punish Biebs by making him stay in the hotel or taking away his cell phone or computer.
Charlie’s Angels tells us technology was Justin’s lifeline and Bieber had Twitter and Facebook fans that numbered in the millions.
Bieber tells us Twitter is very important to his success. I would say so.
MARKETING THE BIEB: RADIO AND T.V….
Team Bieber created a grassroots base via appearances on The View (uggh that show) and stopping by radio stations. Then it was time to release….THE KRACKEN!!! I mean songs…
Bieber’s camp released the Holy Trinity: “One Less Lonely Girl” “Love Me” and “Lonely Girl” making girls everywhere drop their underoos.
Every song charted on the Billboard and the album went platinum resulting in “Bieber Camps” springing up everywhere.
THE INFAMOUS BIEBER TWEET AND MALL INCIDENT…
Bieber had a scheduled appearance at Roosevelt Mall on Long Island. The people handling the event underestimated the amount of people attending and 3,000 people swarmed the mall. Uh oh.
Story goes the authorities told Justin’s team to tell Bieber to send out a tweet telling fans the event has been canceled… the event is too dangerous… please stay home. Unfortunately the tweet didn’t go out fast enough.
5 people were sent to the hospital for minor injuries. Police arrested record exec James Rapo and charged him for endangering the welfare of children. Damn! Four months later Scooter Braun was arrested for reckless endangerment criminal nuisance. OH NOOOO NOT SCOOTER!!!
After Scooter was arrested, Bieber wore a “Free Scooter” shirt. Hahahaha.
Free Scooter Braun!!!
Scooter plead not guilty.
Bieber tells us that he hates canceling events but his fans’ safety comes first. Safety is important and Momma Biebs only wants her baby surrounded by good people. She doesn’t want a bunch of “yes men” catering to his every whim.
Hmm Momma Biebs sounds surprisingly grounded.
Biebs laughs and says that most of his team are 30 and old like Scooter.
JUSTIN BIEBER IS DEAD!?!?!?!
Charlie’s Angels tells us on Jan. 4, 2010 anonymous postings on Cnn.com said Bieber had been fatally shot outside of a New York City nightclub. Fans of course FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!
Turned out that Bieber hadn’t tweeted that day and fortunately for the Bieberettes Cnn.com quickly told fans it wasn’t true and the false postings were immediately removed.
Bieber handled the death hoax in stride tweeting “It’s good to be alive.”
Hahaha what whit you have, Bieber.
Bieber’s fans are some crazy bitches. For example, all hell broke loose when he jokingly referred to Kim Kardashian as his girlfriend. The Bieberettes went so far as to send her death threats.
Recently Chelsea Handler asked Bieber if he was a player. Bieber played coy but his team says he dates but has to keep it quiet because of the fans (see Kim K. incident).
Mama Bieber tells us she is worried when Cougars come onto her little Biebs. She’s not down with the Mrs. Robinsons stealing Biebs’ virtue. Then Mama Biebs alludes to little Biebs still having his v-card. Way to ruin his street cred Mama B.
Ooo I’m momentarily distracted by a long clip of “Baby baby baby babbbbyyyyyy” with Ludacris. Damn you Bieber!
In March 2010, Bieber’s sophomore CD debuted at no. 1 on the BillBoard charts. Urrsher says Bieber’s dream is coming true. Awwww.
BIEBER OR DIE!!!
This past April website Funny or Die did an April Fool’s joke with Justin Bieber. Bieber told viewers that he bought Funny or Die and now it was BIEBER OR DIE!!! LMAO
Great BIEBER OR DIE one-liners:
- Sometimes I don’t feel like walking so I make enormous people carry me around. (Bodyguard picks him up) Let’s go get a lollipop.
- I’m a star. I do what stars do: I ride on yachts, autograph lady lumps and pay people to slap them.
- So remember this is Bieber’s World, you’re just living in it…so BIEBER OR DIE!!!
Urrsher tells us that Bieber is a prankster. Bieber likes to prank call Urrsher at 4 a.m. in the morning. Bieber pretends to be a girl (not that hard) and squeals “may I please speak to Urrsher. OMG like OMG.”
PawPaw has also fallen victim to Bieber’s prankster ways. He too has gotten several “screaming” calls from Bieber.
When Bieber isn’t pranking, he does important stuff like perform for Obama and or act in a skit with Tina Fey on SNL. Pretty sweet deal kid. But Bieber tells us overall he is a good kid but tends to get into mischief.
But hey all kids get into mischief.
Urrsher promises to have Bieber’s back and won’t let him go down the path of other young stars that have crashed and burned. Hope he warns Bieber not to write Fuck U on his fingernails…
BIEBER GOING THROUGH PUBERTY…
Bieber’s voice is gradually changing and Urrsher has made sure that Bieber will transition smoothly thanks to Mama Jan, the vocal coach. Mama Jan was the one who helped Urrsher save his own voice. Good for you Mama Jan!
Mama Jan tells us that Bieber won’t come into his man voice until he is 20 or 21.
So folks it looks like Bieber is going to be around for a while. Better get used to it and embrace the