By madeyoulaugh|Monday, April 25, 2005 | 8:02 pm | 14 Comments
by madeyoulaugh and J-Unit
Had god made the 8th plague viewing LOCUST’s rather than actual locusts, Pharaoh would have let his people go before the second Enzyte commercial.
So imagine the made for TV movie of the week genre is a barrel. Now within that barrel, there are the I KNOW MY FIRST NAME IS STEVEN‘s and TAKEN‘s floating near the top, a 10.5 hovering near a SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK at the lower level, but beneath all those, at the bottom of the barrel is the thick sludge of the that barrel. It’s so thick and sludgy than even a high pressure water hose, solvents bleaches and latino day labor couldn’t get the barrel clean. In short, it ruins the barrel forever tainting anything ever placed into said barrel. Yes, CBS has forever ruined every movie of the week by making Locusts. And as therapy we are sharing our moment by moment recap misery with you, to dilute the pain. 9:00 The flick starts off with an establishing shot of a building with X-Files style typing along the bottom of screen….oh this is going to be crap!
CBS’ version of a sexy underaged teenage mid-drift showing lab assistant for some reason invited her boyfriend to make out by the locusts. But first, she needs to feed the locusts a plant. If only there were written directions she could follow on how to place a plant in front of a locust…
She’s reading the directions step by step on how to feed locusts. She follows them word for word, except for the part about putting on a safety suit…less than 90 seconds in….this is going to make Spring Break Shark Attack look like Schindlers List.
Sans protective suit our belly showing dream teen sachets into a lucite box filled with flying locusts, and then freaks out when they begin to fly around and touch her. I’d question the logic but, she showed her belly button so I guess it makes sense.
Teen dream gets pulled out of the swarming box of unruly unwieldily locusts just before the locusts….ummm….just before they…uhhh…raped her! Yeah! They were just about to rape her, but luckily she was rescued by her boy toy in the nick of time. Thankfully none of the Locusts escaped the box during the 45 seconds the door was wide open. They may be carnivorous, mutant, raping locusts, but they respect the boundaries implemented upon them.
It’s Sunday night, I don’t live with mom, I’ve had real sex, and yet I am watching a movie which just boasted on the screen “Starring Lucy Lawless.” I think I just had my 1st TVgasm of the night and I haven’t even see Xena yet!!!
We first meet Xena…sorry wrong show, she’s n agriculturalist in this one, my mistake. Eh hem, we first me Dr. Xena while getting dressed after a post coital moment with Mr. Xena….sorry “Dan” her boyfriend. CBS has been dying to put a nipple back in its primetime lineup and decided, what the hey, it’s only a Xena nipple. Not like she doesn’t show it off all the time anyways. and here it is. Xena in panties. and see through bra.
This puts the Xena nipple counts at1
Xena nipple count – 2
9:08 Dr. Xena learns from Dr. Axelrod that Lab C-12 holds the locusts.
DR. Axelrod: Basically I created an indestructible locust that multiplies 4 times faster than regular and lives twice as long. In retrospect I probably should have used puppies. I mean, locusts? What was I thinking? thats just silly.
Put this mask on. What for? I had a burrito, extra chipolté…sorry
After Dr. Xena yells at Axelrod for his creation of a dangerous biochemical weapon (i.e. grody bugs), Axelrod decides not to tell her about the other labs. In lab C-13: gangstas resistant to bullets and in C-14: a strain of AIDS transmittable by thinking of someone else. And the creme de la creme C-15: the Elven Thief with +5 Chain Mail, +5 Mythril Helmet, +10 damage, and +5 magic defense. All your Magic the Gathering Tournaments are belong to us!
Dr. Xena “We don’t even want one of those things getting out!” Hey, isn’t that one of those, eh, you know, em, whatyacallit, foreshadowing dealies?
Sometimes writers and directors go unnoticed, their work blends seamlessly creating an immaculate flawless film. Yes, sometimes, the best directors make choices so subtle, like gods breath, it is in its simplicity you find nirvana.
Dr. Xena says “You’re fired!”…and flames engulf them…I shit you not. That was the line she said just as the flames appear on the the screen from below. Some directors use the subtlety of God’s breath. This guy used the subtlety of Tom Arnold’s anus on Chili day at the set of Best Damn Sports Show Ever…
Locust pun of the night -Dr. Xena “You wouldn’t believe what I flew into.” It made no sense, since she didn’t fly anywhere. It was as if we were expected to accept that’s just the cool hip lingo.
Mmmmmm, when Dr. Xena is trying to avoid an intimate moment with Mr. Dr. Xena, she knows just what to say…”I have another dead pigeon with west nile in Napa.” Now where have I heard that one before…Mr. Clinton to Hillary perhaps?
Rich people will pay a fortune for locust suppository bullets. For the Department of Defense, it is just another nifty biological weapon.
The Mohammed Atta of the Locust world gives his own life flying into the eye of a driver causing his imprisoned brethren to go flying out of the jeep and under the wheel of a passing 5 ton. The locust holy warriors declare Jihad on the fields of America!
Xena nipple count 3
Xena sees the word pregnant on the tester but must confer with the EPT box to see what that means. If only it were simple, like a magenta dash for preggers or 3 blue dot hieroglyphs for not preggers.
Oh the wicked irony…Mr. Dr. Xena has just found a new way to grow fields of plantage. Enough to feed a nation of africans. SNAPS!
Dildo factory of Vernon, INDIANA. Where her gramps is farmer. Fortunately his cell phone ring can be heard over the rumbling of his tractor.
Only one illegal day laborer saw the swarm of locusts coming. The rest of the illegal day laborers ran cause they know, you see Luis run, you don’t stop him to ask why, you run until you can smell America….
Casting for the new TEEN POPEYE movies’ Olive Oil began and ended with the appearance of Jon Heard’s daughter.
Writers “out of touch with America’s youth” moment of the night:
11 year old boy describing the locust sound “It kinda sounds like baseball cards on bicycle spokes.” I was thinking they sounded more like Topo Gigio’s clearing his throat, or the buzz from the Colgate Comedy Hours’ neon sign. Either way, it sure was neat-o!
Either the script supervisor screwed up continuity or Dr. Xena’s nipple tore her shirt, forcing to change. Either way, I still see nip.
Xena Nipple count – 6
Good to see Jase Wirey being employed on television. It might not be the sitcom he was hoping for, but there is no such thing as a small part, just small actors.
“Yeyah, wail, I gots ones of thems too. Only it dun say FBI, Femayle booby Inspector.”
Evidence this script may have been written in 1995: “He is all that” say’s one woman “and a bag of chips” quips her sassy coworker.
Just as J-Unit and I thought our abs had the workout of a lifetime from the bag of chips comment, the writer ensures our solid six packs by actually writing, in a non satyrical way “Hoochie mama.”
9:51 Slutty co-worker #1 blows out her birthday cake and immediately one coworker notices “That is one funky cloud..” left on the cutting room floor…”bitch, what the hell wish did you make?”
Dr. Xena announced the worst case scenario has come to fruition. The movie is a two part mini series?!?!?!!! “They’ve turned carnivorous.” Oh thank god!
Proving in a Les Moonves theologian society, each member of society knows the bible verbatim, dreamy guy quotes revelations….and his head spins around and he vomits split pea soup.
OH NO THE LOCUSTS ARE EATING THE CAKE!!!
OH NO THE LOCUSTS ARE EATING THE SALAD!!
OH NO THE LOCUSTS ARE EATING THE SHREDDER!!
Many people would have stopped after the first hour. After all, it’s not like we are going to have to wait that long for CBS to come out with another shitty movie of the week. But we were already invested in this movie. Will Axelrod’s daughter make it out of the coma? Will the locusts destroy the world food supply? Will the army use VX nerve gas on the entire country in order save the heartland from the bugs (I didn’t make that one up, I swear)? Will we get any more XENA nipple? These are answers you only find by watching the entire movie, and although it took us approximately 90 minutes to watch the first hour, we charge on.
Excuse me, but I will need to inspect your wife’s female boobies…It’s ok, I have a badge.
Senator Clausen also quotes revelations, these are the same people who try to get sloshed on egg nog at the company christmas party just to see what happens. Lesson to be learned, don’t study the bible, it’ll only make you suck.
During a presentation to the joint chiefs of grass, Dan motions to his powerpoint presentation. In light of todays events, will someone please turn off the damn locust screen saver???
“Hand of god blacked out the sky.” OK OK We get it, locusts, passover weekend, revelations, enough with the bible references.
The locusts are blamed for “creating a lengthy commute for motorists in southern California, like they’ve never seen……or will see again, until April 28th – 30th when Cher will be playing The Hollywood Bowl. And why does the news correspondent look like Guy Pearce?
The natural dialogue of the characters is the only thing really keeping this script so tightly weaved together. Dr. Xena: “They are formidable foes.” hmmm….at least we saw her nipple.
A fatigued Dr. Xena is faced with telling the truth. Mr. Dr. Xena: “Are you sick?” Dr. Xena: “No, I’m pregnant.” On a very special locusts…Dr. Xena is pregnant.
The new PSP, with locust tracking (not available on XBOX or GameCube)
“But, guys, I didn’t have the chipotlé on the burrito. Guys? Guuuys? Stop being dicks!”
Fifteen minutes of sheer crap have just gone by J-Unit and I are both sitting mouth agape. In a nutshell, some of the swarm of locusts flew into a big zapper giving them the idea to create a giant bugzapper out of a metal wheat mill. Axelrod needed to run out in the swarm to pump fuel for gas well and was of course attacked and barely made it back to the mill before they killed him. So they make it a bug zapper zap the locusts, who die and then….Look, if your going to make a movie about swarms of mutant locusts, you need a brilliant ending, not a fucking bug zapper! WHERE IS A DAMN XENA NIPPLE?!!!? Anyways, the locusts wound up killing Axelrod and as you can see by the photo, the cause of death, bloody face and swollen eye.
Tell….my wife and daughter…I….loved….locusts.
Which is a better question “How do we create the biggest damn bug zapper the world has ever seen?” or “How, as a paid actor, do you go to sleep at night knowing you make a living trying to make shit like ‘How do we create the biggest damn bug zapper the world has ever seen?’ not sound like crap?” You decide.
10:50 The locusts, how can we be sure they fly close enough to the power lines? Fortunately Dr. Xena’s flashback teaches us they are attracted to bright lights (thank goodness cause there’s only 10 mins left). What can we glitter up that the Locusts will see from 1000′s of miles away and draw them into the power lines?? Body glitter on Dr. Xena’s nipples?
Xena nipple count – 7
Nope, they decide to use weather balloons flying at altitudes of up to 20 feet in the air, locusts are sure to see those, especially when they are dressed up like a drag queens bathroom.
At this point I think I am just pissing off J-unit. The whole premise is they will eat all the leaves, all the blades of grass, all the wheat and then will begin to eat the humans. Scary true, but when they show the swarm flying to go kill our heroes, they are flying right over perfectly good grass, and fields, and a bunch of tasty shit they could eat. They eat everything except this great crop where they have been sleeping. I’ve been bitching about it all night. Am I wrong or does the grass there negate any sense of mortal danger in this flick?
Xena nipple count – 8
I guess someone realized no one watching this steaming pile of CB.S. is going to believe the worlds largest bug zapper will kill every single locust, so during the final voice over, the news anchor let it be known that as a result of their genetic engineering, all remaining locusts are sterile. Just like that. So let me recap my recap….The scary set up: Killer bio engineered bugs multiply by millions, can’t be destroyed. The Lame resolution: Giant Bug Zapper and random sterility.