Recap: Lifetime Original Movie: Cuckoo For Cuoco Puffs!

It’s been a while since we’ve liveblogged a TV movie here at TVgasm. The last one I can remember enduring was none other than Riding the Bus with My Sister, and that was back in 2005. Well, after seeing promos for the latest Lifetime movie, To Be Fat Like Me, I knew I simply could not pass up the chance to view this spectacle. Kaley Cuoco? Caroline Rhea? A fat suit? It sounded too good to be true. The entire weighty recap after the jump…8:28 PM
It’s nearly 8:30, and I’m starting up the movie. It Tivo’d a few hours ago; so don’t get all confused by my time stamps. Nevertheless, the first thing we see is The Cuocu jogging! Ah, but this vibrant morning activity is soon interwoven with extreme closes ups of bacon and eggs frying in their own evil fat. And don’t get me started on the butter. It’s so sinister that it warrants a special “HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS BUTTER!!!!” zoom! Don’t you see the irony? Kaley Cuoco is jogging AGAINST fat! This movie is so deep.

8:28 PM
Here’s a shocker. Turns out the nastiest breakfast of all time is being whipped up by none other than Caroline Rhea. Fat enabler!

8:29 PM
Kaley has since returned home from her morning jog, which means it’s time for some breakfast bickering. First, Caroline Rhea tells Kaley that she’s working too hard and is missing all the fun of high school. A bitter Kaley replies that she has to work hard if she wants to afford college. Sounds like some issues are simmering under the surface — like two metaphorical strips of bacon in Caroline Rhea’s skillet of fatty horrors!

“I wonder if she’s still mad that I deep fried her Caesar salad last night…”

8:30 PM
Turns out Kaley’s character’s name is Aly. More improtantly, however, she has an Achilles heel! SHE CAN’T DO MATH! 2 + 2 = NIGHTMARE FOR ALY!

8:31 PM
This makes total sense. There’s a man dressed like an alien hanging out, drinking coffee outside of Kaley’s apartment. Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

“So… wanna go eat some baby mice?”

8:31 PM
Seriously, there’s a man dressed like an alien who lives upstairs from Aly.

“Hey, Xoqrx. I got your copy of Melmac Quarterly in the mail by accident.”

8:32 PM
And now to high school! We’re suddenly in Aly’s documentary film class. And sitting up at the front is… Tina Fey? Huh. Okay, it’s not really Tina Fey. It’s like a high school, lesbian-ish version of her. Disarming nonetheless.

8:33 PM
Aly spies a hot guy hanging out by his red sports car. She clearly has a crush on him. I wonder if she’ll come to realize that he’s a superficial bastard! THE FAT SUIT WILL REVEAL ALL!!!

8:34 PM
Lesbian Fey wants Aly to partner up for a student film, but before she can do much convincing, here comes a slutty bitch (a.k.a. Aly’s best friend) who tears Aly away from the sapphic grip of her classmate. Hmmm… what are the chances that slutty bitch will later reject Aly — her very own friend — in a fat suit? IT WILL BE DEVASTATING!

8:45 PM
Like omg! The hot guy’s been asking about Aly! And he’s staring at her doing crunches for softball practice. STALKER!

9:09 PM
All this talk about fat suits and bacon had made me hungry. I had to eat dinner. But I’m back now. Where were we. Ah yes. The stalker hunky dude…

9:09 PM
Coach just heard back from a scout at “State.” He’s coming to watch Aly and her slutty friend (Kendall). But truthfully, Aly’s the one that the scout really wants. Looks like there could be a full ride scholarship. I wonder if she’ll have to make a choice between this and something else. Something with a moral dilemma!

9:11 PM
Will the horrors never cease? Aly’s fat younger brother gets teased by the local bully. Children are so mean to the fat youth of America! Thank you Lifetime for broaching this difficult subject.

9:11 PM
Back at home, it’s apparent that Aly has been raised in a family of sass. Yes, it’s nonstop sassiness. Wisecracks left and right. I guess that’s what happens when your mom is Caroline Rhea. Sass-a-thon!

9:12 PM
At the dinner table, Dad says, “I’ve been dreaming for this moment ever since the first time I took you out back to play catch.” What moment? Dinner? When was the last time he ate?

9:13 PM
Because it looks like Aly will be getting a full ride softball scholarship, Mom got something to celebrate — a GIANT CAKE. She would, FATTY!

9:13 PM
Sassy overload! Mom says “I think you need to look up the difference between self-control and self-depravation.” Aly replies: “Well, I think you need to admit that you brought that home for you and not me.” OUCH! Another family torn apart by a giant, decadent cake.

9:14 PM
Amidst all the bickering about the cake, Dad randomly asks, “Where’s my lucky hat?” Um, non sequitur. Can’t he tell we’re having a discussion about fat and cake??? This movie isn’t called To Be Wearing a Lucky Hat Like Me.

9:15 PM
Later, we find Aly at work at the bowling alley. Aly at the alley, if you will. It works on so many levels. She works with a dorky dude named Randall who bristles with her. What are the chances that he’s the only one who will be nice to her? BRING ON THE FAT SUIT!!!

9:16 PM
Hunky dude shows up, says something about Prison Break, and then wants Randall to “be a dude” and let Aly have a half hour off so she can hang out and be romantic or whatever. This guy is bad news! I hope his lecherous ways are duly exposed by the fat suit!

9:16 PM
Aly and Hunky go to Moe’s snack shack. And guess what? Hunky’s going to “State” too! He then tells Aly that he once puked in his helmet when a scout showed up to watch him. Charming. Have any defecation stories you’d like to share too?

9:17 PM
Aly mentions again how important this scout is — she’s worked for it her whole life. YES, WE KNOW. YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL US EVERY TWO MINUTES.

9:18 PM
It’s the big softball game. The scout is in the stands. And heavens no! Someone stepped on Aly! She’s hurt! Bone fracture! Out for the season! IF ONLY SHE HAD THE LUCKY HAT! IF ONLY SHE HAD MORE FAT ON HER ANKLE! If only, if only…

9:19 PM
Aly now in intense rehab. Holy shit — it’s not like she was paralyzed. She just had a minor bone fracture. I half expect to see her playing Murderball in the next scene.

9:20 PM
No more scholarship! No more college! What ever will she do? Hey, I wonder if Lesbian Fey still wants to do that documentary. You know, the one that could win Aly a scholarship to “State.”

9:21 PM
Aly’s so despondent over her softball career that she has to sit on her stoop and zone out. Luckily crazy alien dude is there to console her. And he’s sans alien mask. Hey, I wonder if he’ll make her a fat suit?

9:22 PM
Aw, Aly’s fat brother just came home without shoes. His fat-hating tormentors took them! So they hate fat kids and they’re shoe fetishists. How complex!

9:23 PM
Little brother takes another swipe at Aly’s non-existent math skills. They make her sound like she literally can’t add 1 + 1. That would be pretty awesome.

9:24 PM
Caroline Rhea wants a girls’ weekend. I bet she wants to eat something fatty. Typical FAT mom!

9:24 PM
Aly tells Mom that she never ONCE apologized for whatever happened “BACK THEN!” So mysterious! I wonder if Caroline Rhea got too fat to work and now Aly has to work to pick up for her mother’s fat ass. Or maybe there was some tragic car accident — kind of like what happened to Juliette Binoche in Bleu. Riveting!

9:26 PM
Aly’s tearing down her posters and accomplishments. THEY WERE WON WITH BLOOD MONEY…! er, FAT MONEY! I didn’t really understand why she was making such a scene. She’s only a junior in this movie, so it’s not like her sports career is over. Maybe she should be a lamb and put the posters back up

9:26 PM
But wait! Amidst her tearing down, she finds Lesbian Fey’s documentary film flyer!

9:27 PM
Suddenly, Aly is at a café with Lesbian Fey, not only telling her that she wants to do the documentary, but that she wants to focus on fat people in the process. “No one’s gone undercover with weight yet” Aly says, clearly snubbing the hard-hitting investigative work of Ms. Tyra Banks.

9:27 PM
So out of nowhere, Aly is suddenly all about this documentary. And I guess her neighbor doesn’t mind spending all this money on a fat suit (which is what he’s doing).

9:28 PM
Breaking news: alien man is now gay and flamboyant! This came out of nowhere. He will clearly hate Lesbian Fey.

9:29 PM
Finally! The Fat Suit emerges!

To be fat like her…

9:31 PM
Ooh! Lesbian Fey has all sorts of secret cameras for the documentary! So the plan is that Aly’s gonna go to summer school at a different school where she’ll have to take chemistry which is like “Math with beakers!” And as we all know, Aly simply cannot do math. This won’t do…

9:33 PM
Fat Aly gets on a bus. She bumps into everything, on account of her being fat. People level her with vicious stares. Maybe that’s because YOU BUMPED INTO ALL OF THEM!

9:34 PM
Aly walks into class and everyone stares. A FAT GIRL!

9:35 PM
And now sitting behind Aly is a real fat girl! Just like in the movies! She smiles at Aly kindly. Common bond and whatnot. A metaphorical jelly donut of friendship is passed between them.

Friends forevah!

9:35 PM
In the cafeteria, Aly tries to sit with the popular girls, but they’re disgusted by her when she manages to knock over ever chair on the way to the table. Okay, fat people aren’t snow plows. They don’t leave a swath of destruction in their wake. Usually.

9:37 PM
Surprise! The popular girls don’t want Aly to sit with her; so she sits alone. Luckily, Lesbian Fey has provided her with a special brown bag lunch. What could it be? A cupcake and Doritos! How embarrassing for Aly! Now she’s the fat girl eating the fatty food! FEEL THE SCORN OF YOUR DIET CONSCIOUS PEERS!

9:38 PM
In one of many soapbox moments, Aly insists that personality and persistence will trump pounds. People will like her for who she is, dammit! We’ll see how long this lasts.

9:38 PM
OH NO! Little brother is eating a whole pizza himself. Apparently he gets one every Monday, pigs out, and does math. Doesn’t he realize it’s not healthy? It’s a lifestyle choice! The self-loathing mathematics must STOP!

9:39 PM
We then find Aly in chemistry class where the teacher is going absolutely nuts, imparting information at about thirty words per second. I think it’s supposed to convey an impossible situation for the math-impaired Aly, but all it does is make me question whether or not this teacher has been snorting cocaine at recess. A Lifetime movie unto itself!

9:40 PM
Aly’s befriended George and Ramona (the fat girl). She also dissed a hooligan who deigned to moo at her! But the high spirits soon dissipate when Aly walks down a staircase and one guy says, “Watch it! Fat girl coming through!” Okay, this is ridiculous. People are cruel to fat people. WE GET IT.

9:42 PM
Oooh! Aly’s changing out of her fat suit in the bathroom! A transformation! What will the kids say now!

9:42 PM
“I hate being fat!” Aly confesses to her hidden camera. I think this is the part of the movie where we’re supposed to be enthralled by the complexity of the situation. Or something like that.

9:43 PM
Stepping out of the bathroom, Aly runs into Mr. Johnson, her documentary teacher, who merely says, “Busted.” Oh. Okay. Apparently, he saw her go into the bathroom as a fatty and emerge as a hottie. And now she’s caught! Clearly she violated the school’s fat suit policy. Of course, this begs a very important question: why was this teacher lingering outside the women’s bathroom for so long? Sounds like he might be busted too, in a Chris Hansen sort of way.

9:45 PM
Mr. Johnson wants to know what the story of Aly’s documentary is. Uh, fat suit. Isn’t that clear enough? He then says that he wants Aly to take it seriously. What part of enrolling in summer school and wearing a fat suit isn’t taking it seriously?

9:47 PM
Aly and Kendall are now playing basketball with Michael (a.k.a. Hunky) and his best friend. The guys say insensitive things about how girls are mirror images of their moms. What if their moms are Caroline Rhea? Aly’s hidden shame!

9:48 PM
Hunky guy says Aly’s “kind of adorable right now.” Little does he know she’s the spawn of CAROLINE RHEA!

9:49 PM
Hunky says that what’s sexy about Aly is that she’s real — not fake. You know, like a fat suit. And now he wants to meet her mom and family. Uh oh. He’s going to see her hidden fat geneology! This will be an impossible situation!

9:50 PM
Hunky now boasts that he’s a gentleman. We’ll see about that when he makes fun of Aly in her fat suit!

9:51 PM
Awww, Aly’s having a heart-to-heart with Ramona. And like omg! Ramona’s totally in love with George! But George is in love with Fat Aly! But Fat Aly is going to give Ramona a makeover! Of course.

9:52 PM
Ooh! It’s a retread of Pretty Woman. A mean store clerk won’t allow Ramona and Fat Aly to shop. But Fat Aly won’t take it! She stands up to the bitch, causing the manager to step out and level her employee with a cold, “That’s enough, Janeane.” Yeah, Janeane. Step off. Ramona’s trying to have a makeover!

Janeane, you whore.

9:54 PM
Afterwards, in the exileration of the moment, Fat Aly and Ramona run out of the store holding hands. The natural high of telling off Janeane!

“Wheeee! We told off Janeane!”

9:55 PM
RAMONA’S HIDDEN SHAME! She keeps candy bars in her glove compartment.

9:56 PM
The bitter truth behind Caroline Rhea. We finally learn what happened “back then.” Mom ate so much she got diabetes and had a heart attack. The hospital bills ate up all the family’s savings and college funds. Aly’s always resented her for it, but then at the same time, she can’t help but ask herself, “What kind of girl are you if you hate your mom for being fat?” I think the answer would be “An awful, awful girl.”

9:57 PM
Hush now: Ramona’s venting. “How are you told you’re worth something when you’re told fifteen different times a day you’re not?” she asks, capping off what had been a lovely speech about her daily plight. Ultimately, she tells Aly, “You know, it’s nice finally having someone to talk to who undrestands.” Now would probably be a bad time for Aly to take off her suit.

10:01 PM
Hunky is turning into Needy. He wants to hang out with Aly, but she’s always got “plans.” He’s totally going to stalk her and blow her cover! Just like a Thin Person would!

10:02 PM
Aly just caught Kendall totally flirting with Hunky. NEVER EXPECTED THAT!

10:03 PM
At the bowling alley, Aly’s fat brother pines after a skinny girl named Megan from afar. You see, he loves her, and earlier, he wrote a poem for her, but of course, he didn’t give it to her on account of being fat and self-loathing. Luckily, big sis now gives him a pep talk. Will he talk to Megan? Will he? These are pressing matters.

10:04 PM
Great. Another preachy speech. “Fat phobia exists. And it’s getting worse!” Aly announces. Revelatory. SHUT UP.

10:06 PM
Lesbian Fey is ruthless with the footage. She wants to exploit Ramona, despite Aly’s protests. CRUEL, EVIL LESBIAN FEY!

10:06 PM
Aly now has a nickname for Ramona. “Rammy.”

10:06 PM
My bad. The nickname is “Ram.” Still sounds pretty awful.

10:07 PM
Uh oh. With the helpful study guides from George and Ramona, Aly gets a B++ on her test, which is remarkable since she apparently can’t count higher than seven. Sounds like wonderful news, but to celebrate, George and “Ram” want to go bowling — at the bowling alley Aly works at. How awkward! It’s okay though. No one sees her. Phew!

Charming.

10:08 PM
Hey Ramona, YOU SUCK AT BOWLING! Gutter ball!

Well played, Ramona…

10:08 PM
Great job, Ramona! You got two pins! Way to reinforce fat stereotypes!

10:09 PM
Uh oh. The same kids who bullied Aly’s brother are back. One kid asks George, “Man to man, which cushion you pushin?” George replies, “Better question: Which chromosome you missin?” SNAP!

10:10 PM
Uh oh! The little punk pours water on Aly’s face, and as we know from Mrs. Doubtfire, water + fat suits = disaster! Aly’s face is coming off!

10:10 PM
Ramona: “That’s a mask. Why are you wearing a mask?” And yes, I’m sure Ramona means that on every metaphorical meaning. Because this movie is that deep. Nevertheless, George and Ramona HATE Aly now. Time to binge on cupcakes!

She should really see a dermatologist about that…

10:11 PM
Next morning, Caroline Rhea spreads what looks like an entire tub of butter on her bread. Those fat people are out of control!

10:12 PM
How long until Ramona angrily tells Aly, “You don’t understand! I can’t take my fat suit off!”

10:13 PM
Ooh! Beach bonfire! Aly and Kendall getting into it. Kendall calls Aly a “Killjoy,” which I enthusiastically applaud. Still, I can’t help feeling like this bonfire would be so much more fun with Ramona. Ramona’s the best. Oh Rammy!

10:15 PM
George is sitting on Aly’s stoop. He’s mad at her, but he still wants to help her study. You know, because guys who are friendly to fat girls are inherently awesome people who will still be helpful even when they’re angry. Then he tells her that she underestimates herself when it comes to school. Hmmmm… just like how the fat people underestimate themselves in social situations. I spy a thematic element!

10:17 PM
Time for the next big chem test. The good news is that Aly is acing it. Too bad Ramona is shooting her daggers the entire time. Ram HATES her!

10:19 PM
Ramona is devastated, venting to Aly. Say it, Ramona. Say it. “I can’t take off my fat suit.” Blast! She doesn’t say it. Instead she says she may be fat and she may be a loser, but she’s not a liar. She’s not ALY. Eh, that was pretty good. But I have to admit, you let me down, Ram.

10:21 PM
Mr. Johnson says the footage is really good, but it’s not done. Lesbian Fey gives him an angry look. Jigga wha? He wants a powerful conclusion to the movie. Hmmm… maybe Aly should get in front of the whole school and take her fat suit off. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea!

10:22 PM
Meanwhile, back at home Caroline Rhea thinks Aly is on drugs. She and the fam are having an intervention. And no shock here, Dad’s sitting in the dining room chair where he’s been the whole movie — probably lamenting the loss of his lucky hat. Aly storms out. It doesn’t make sense. To everyone else, she gets on a soapbox and talks about how fat people are misunderstood, but when she talks to her mom, she’s just the same old bitch. Maybe it’s part of the complexity of her character. Or maybe it’s just bad writing.

10:24 PM
Ooh! Kendall moving in on Michael! Apparently there are deep issues between Kendall and Aly, mostly in that Kendall always takes what’s Aly’s, including a scholarship to “State.” She’s certainly no class act. Not like Ramona!

10:26 PM
Aly and Michael having “a talk.” She doesn’t know what she wants anymore. She doesn’t know what her identity is anymore. OH THE STRUGGLES. Ramona has opened her eyes so wide!

10:26 PM
Aly and Michael’s conversation is nice, but brief. “Serious talk gives me a headache,” Michael reveals. Oooh, wouldn’t want that, poor sweet Michael.

10:28 PM
Awww, Aly’s fat brother asked that girl Megan out, and even though she completely rejected him (he is fat), now he knows that being rejected isn’t the end of the world. In fact, now he’s gonna ask as many girls out as possible. “I’ve created a monster!” Aly. A cookie monster, if you will.

10:29 PM
Aly walks in the house, but where’s mom? Is she passed out in a pile of cupcakes, reaching for her life-saving insulin shot? No, she’s just looking at Aly’s fat suit footage. “This is what you’ve been hiding? You’ve been parading around in some fat suit, making fun of me?” Caroline asks. Yeah, pretty much. Love ya, Mom!

10:30 PM
“Look, I might not be ashamed of you, but you should be!” Aly screams at her mother. SO MEAN! Caroline Rhea is so devastated that she has no other recourse but to lock herself in the bathroom with shame. Bad idea: last time I checked, there were no Twinkies in there. What’s the point of being fat and crying if you can’t stuff your face too? If only Ramona were here…

10:32 PM
Aly wants to know why people are so mean to fatties. She’s going to show up at Michael’s douchebag friend’s party tonight and wear the fat suit! She’s gonna see what the people really think of her! Or something like that.

10:33 PM
Party! Time for some undercover sleuthing. Lesbian Fey coming along too. She has like ten hidden cameras in her pocketbook. In true form, Aly manages to bump into every single person within a five yard radius. Because that’s what fat people do.

“So does anyone mind if I do Weekend Update right now?”

10:35 PM
Oooh! Aly just caught Kendall talking shit to Michael about her behind her back. What a bitch! But Michael stands up for Aly. Dammit. I hate how he’s turning out to be a good guy, not the slimeball we anticipated.

10:36 PM
Michael’s douchebag friend is giving Fat Aly a hard time. Kendall tells him to just STOP. He says that no one can take a joke anymore. Aly remarks, “A joke? Is that your idea of a joke????” And with that, she tears off her fat suit! Sort of. She really only pulls off her fat chin, which kind of looks weird. Nevertheless, she stumps, “I may have come here under false pretenses, but you’re the ones that should be ashamed!” Cuts right to the core!

She’s a man!

Hey, you got some chin on your shirt.

10:40 PM
Now Aly is having a serious talk with her dad about Caroline Rhea. Aly was so mad at her mother “back then.” She felt like Mom was putting donuts and cookies ahead of her own children. Dad lets her know you can love someone and be furious at them. Glorious.

10:42 PM
Now Aly and mom having a heart to heart. They’re all great now. And now Aly’s telling Mom to give her brother healthy food. No more Pizza Mondays. Awwww… Mom’s gonna have a healthy home — as long as Aly shows her more respect. Yay resolution!

10:44 PM
Later at the bowling alley, Aly is looking bored. You know who would spice this scene up? RAMONA! Sure enough, in she walks! Now they’re having a talk. Aly wants to kill the documentary, but now Ramona feels like it’s important. Aly doesn’t know what to do with the movie. Ramona says, “Just tell the truth.” Aly replies, “Only if you tell me the truth: are we ever going to be friends again?” NO, YOU SKINNY SLUT.

“See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya, BITCH!”

10:47 PM
Okay, Ramona says that she can never forgive Aly for what she did, but friendship isn’t out of the question. Great! Aly then invites Ramona to see a movie with Goerge. “I DON’T THINK SO!” Ramona snaps back. Wow! Testy! So much for that friendship.

10:48 PM
Michael and Aly have a “talk” about their relationship. He says he likes her the way she is. They’re both jocks, and that means they have a competitive edge, and that’s something they share in common. Other things they share in common: complete vapidity.

10:50 PM
The movie ends with Aly talking to us in the fat suit, but then she morphs into skinniness. The lessons we’ve learned. Thanks Lifetime!

Did you see the movie? What did you think of it? More screencaps to come…