TERMINATOR: I Attack the Umber Hulk

The season (possibly series) finale! Sarah is in prison, then not! John and Hotbot sort of have sex! B.A.G. is back from the dead, and of course – robots fight each other! Well kids, from what I’ve read on the Interwebs, this may be the very last episode of “Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles of Narnia” ever. So let’s make this one count, shall we? Let’s do this!!

We begin with Sarah in a police interrogation cell, for, as you may recall, Sarah was arrested at the end of the previous episode. Considering that she physically attacked numerous police officers during that arrest, I must say she looks very non-abused. Whatever area she got busted in must have very restrained cops, cause where I live if you attack a cop your ass is getting beat.

Then Jeremy from “Sports Night,” I mean Agent Aldrich (Joshua Malina) comes in to interrogate our heroine. He gives a little run down of her many crimes, then asks about her son and daughter. Oh yeah, I forgot anyone still thought that Cameron the sexy robot was her daughter. Well Sarah continues her “my son is dead” lie, claiming that John died in the bank explosion from the pilot ep. But considering that she supposedly died in the same explosion and now her she is – it’s not a super convincing lie. Jeremy from “Sports Night” doesn’t buy it for a sec. He knows a lot about sports history. He’s a nerd. And nerds are smart.

Meanwhile, we catch up with world-saving-messiah-in-training and championship whiner, John Conner, hanging out in a motel with the Hotbot. John is antsy and wants to leave the room to go use the Interweb, but Hotbot drops some robot logic on him and says that it’s too risky to go out in public this close to the incident. “This is not an incident, this is my mother!” But his human illogic is no match for her logical robot logic.

Hotbot claims he wants to get the blueprints for the prison Sarah is in, but then John’s all like, nope I wanna do research on shielded nuclear power sources. Basically he’s saying he thinks Hotbot gave his momz cancer. I’m not sure how this makes any sense in his mind considering that this whole cancer storyline came from the fact that they say Sarah Conner died of cancer in Terminator 3: Shitty Shitfest. How could Hotbot have caused it? Clearly it’s being caused by whatever had caused it before.

Then we join the Culligan man robot who shot Brian Austin Green in the bean last ep. He is repairing a loose skin flap on his chest. Pft. Come on, bro. Didn’t you learn anything from Arnold in the first movie? You cover body wounds with a coat, hand wounds with gloves, and eye wounds with sunglasses. Glue? Get with the program.

Over at Evil Robot Corp: John Henry is playing D&D with the nerdy tech guy. In the game some creature called an “umber hulk” attacks him. John Henry says, “I attack the umber hulk,” then he rolls a 20 and the tech nerd is all surprised and shit. I can’t really gauge how impressive this is supposed to be as D&D has never really made any sense to me, rules-wise. Kinda seems like he’s cheating to me. He is a robot after all.

Then our lovely T-1000, Ms Weaver, shows up and points out that John Henry IS probably cheating at D&D – I knew it! It’s like my grandfather always said, “All robots are dirty liars.” She asks how quickly tech nerd can pack up John Henry (he’s a super computer with an external robot attached if your forgot) for transport.

Tech Nerd says this is a bad idea. Apparently last week (wasn’t I watching the show last week?) a small and unimportant wire in John Henry needed to be replaced and doing even that altered his personality slightly. This means John Henry isn’t just a computer program like we think, he’s another kind of computer program where you can’t replace parts cause he’s so human or… er… wait, I just had it… he’s more like a human brain than a computer, where you can’t just take pieces out and stuff. Yeah. Or… and hear me out…

Or John Henry’s a really shitty super computer where he can’t even maintain consistency when one little and useless wire needs replacing. My dad was exactly the same after they replaced his knee. My dad is more awesome than John Henry I guess.

Back in the clink: Ellison comes to see Sarah. He tries to convince her to just tell everyone the truth. Does he think this will actually work? Or does he want everyone to think she’s crazy? I can’t tell. She obviously doesn’t find this idea appealing.

Ellison: Maybe you’ve got nothing to lose.
Sarah: There’s always something to lose. (Like your TV show! Oh, zing!)

As Ellison is leaving Sarah asks where Savannah is. Ellison says with her mother, Ms Weaver. Sarah says she’s not safe. She yells this at the security camera some more, you know, for effect. At Evil Robot Corp: John Henry and Ms. Weaver are watching this security feed on John Henry’s awesome wall-screen monitor.

Ellison then goes to chat with Jeremy from “Sports Night” in his office, which is in a prison cell. He claims they don’t have room for him anywhere else. I think the show was just trying to save money on building another set. Call me a pessimist. Jeremy says that Sarah wants to see a priest. Well, maybe she just wants to pray, Ellison says. Oh naïve Christians. The cops can’t listen in if she talks with a priest! Duh. Come on, Ellison. Weren’t you an FBI agent?

So remember a priest from the ep where World’s Worst Savior John Conner demonstrated his awesome judgment by taking his suicidal/spy-from-the-future/now dead girlfriend to Mexico? Yeah, I only vaguely remember too. But that dude is the priest Sarah asked for. He seems rightly freaked out by her, considering a killer robot showed up in his town cause of her and blew the place to hell. Sarah asks if he believes in the devil. She’s going to explain “the truth” to him, then ask a favor. At this point I’d turn and leave, but the priest is braver than me and stays.

Back at Evil Robot Corp: Ellison shows up to find the robots watching Sarah and the priest on the security feed. Ellison gets all “that’s illegal,” so Ms. Weaver is all “so is lying to the FBI.” John Henry keeps repeating things Weaver says like a side-kick from a 50′s movie, until Ellison tells him to shut up. Then Ms. Weaver says she wants to meet John Conner. Weaver also reveals she knows Cameron the Hotbot is a hotbot. Ellison says, well too bad, he doesn’t know how to find John. She says she does and then looks to John Henry.

Meanwhile, in a gun store, CulliganBot wants to buy a silencer. The Gun Dealer says that’s illegal. Then CulliganBot slaps down a wad of cash. Then our high scruples Gun Dealer gives the robot a number and says “Ask to speak to Manny.” So the robot says “I want to speak to Manny.” Ha ha, stupid robots. They always do that. Remember that show “Laugh In?” And at the end of every episode Rowan would always say to Martin, “Say ‘goodnight’ Dick” and then Martin would say “Goodnight Dick” instead of just saying “goodnight.” It’s just like that! …wait a minute… OMFG! Dick Martin was a terminator!

Back at the motel room: John just won’t let this his-mom-might-have-cancer thing go. He wants to know how much weight she has lost. 11% of her body mass, Hotbot says (cause she’s a robot and robots only know how to speak in figures and terms humans find confusing; what better way to blend in). Again John’s all like, you gave my momz cancer bitch, and Hotbot is all like, foo’ I’d know if I was leaking radiation. Then John goes below the belt and says she’s just a robot and thus isn’t “perfect.”

What’s that mean? Are humans perfect? Don’t we generally replace human jobs with robots for the exact reason that they F-up less than us? I don’t mean to blast my species here or anything, I’m just sayin’. Where was I… Oh yeah, the phone rings! It’s the priest!

The priest is at the whatchamacallit, the priest place, church! That’s it. He goes into the confessional booth. Then a girl who we can’t really see enters and he directs her to an envelope full of money. “It was all I could find.” He also has a message to give her as well.

When Mystery Girl leaves the church, Ellison is doing stake out in his car. He follows her.

Random shot of Sarah sitting in her cell so we don’t forget about her!

Back to the motel: Hotbot stands guard. John broods. There’s a knock at the door! Mystery girl – I think maybe we saw this girl before too, maybe, not sure – gives them new passports. John is looking through them furiously for something. Mystery girl knows what he’s looking for and says there are no hidden messages. Sarah wants him to know that. No message for an escape plan. Don’t try to break her out. Run and forget about her. Hotbot is to make sure that he doesn’t try to break her out.

Mystery Girl: We lose everybody we love.
John: She said that?
Mystery Girl: No.

So who said it then? Okay, we must’ve seen this chick before. Presumably someone she loved died because of the Conners. Same reason everyone dies on this show. Frankly it’s kinda hypocritical that John would be mad at Hotbot for giving his mom cancer when John gets everyone around him killed constantly.

Then Hotbot sees something outside. Ellison! She yanks him in the motel room. He says Weaver wants to meet John. John says ‘no.’ Then Ellison says he has a message from Weaver for Hotbot, he asks Cameron if she’ll join them. Ms Weaver said she’d know what that means. “Do you know what that means?” She says ‘no.’ She’s clearly freaking out though. She quickly makes Ellison leave. John says it seems like Ellison had upset her. She points out that she has no feelings, cause like he said – she’s just a machine. Oo, threw that one back in his face. You go girlfriend.

In prison: Jeremy from “Sports Night” comes into Sarah’s cell and is all tryin’ to bond with her and stuff, bein’ all, I believe in time travel and robots and wookies, but Sarah is all “my son is dead” still. Jeremy gives up and then as he’s leaving – of course, you can only drops bombs once you’re leaving – asks if she knows Danny Dyson, Miles Dyson’s (the black guy from Terminator 2: Judgment Day who Sarah is blamed for killing) son. Yes she says. Does she know where he is? No, why? He’s been missing for 3 months. Dun dun dunnnn! Wait. What’s the mean?

Back at Evil Robot Corp: CulliganBot drives into the parking ramp. He promptly shoots a guard with his brand new silencers. Then Ms Weaver shows up just in time to not bother saving that guard. CulliganBot shoots her a zillion times but she doesn’t care, being a liquid metal robot of doom.

After she gets bored being shot, she spike arms him.

Then she spikes the electrical box and fries the CulliganBot. Afterwords, John Henry looks over the CulliganBot’s head-chip, but it got fucked up so he can’t analyze it. He thinks it is safe to assume that his evil super computer brother sent the CulliganBot to kill him.

Then Ellison shows up and Ms Weaver’s all “Where have you been?” and he’s all “It’s 7am, I was asleep.” She’s cranky I guess that Hotbot wouldn’t join her team. Then her and John Henry suddenly say something at the same time. Uh… that was weird. What’s going on? Are they melding?

At the motel: John wakes up to find Hotbot sitting on his bed staring at him. Man, how come all the robots I find staring creepily at me when I wake up are fat? She says he needs to understand how she works. She was designed to kill humans. She’s different from the rest now, but that Let’s-Kill-All-Humans love will always be there.

J: So down deep, you want to kill me?
C: Yes.

Then she suddenly takes her clothes off and says, “Get on top of me.” So he does. Then she continues with her commands – “Put your knee here. Take this knife. Cut me right here. Reach down, under the breastplate. Can you feel that? Is it cold?” Ah… just like my junior prom night. The memories.

They don’t seem to find anything wrong with her. Either that or John’s boner is distracting his killer-robot damage finding skills.

Then we see Señor Padre again at the priesting place. He gets a call from HotBot. Then we cut to him at the prison. Jeremy from “Sports Night” brings him to Sarah. Sarah is all, Why are you here? Padre says he has a message for her: “She’s coming.” Then sirens go off. Apparently she is already here.

Hotbot partakes in a pleasant PG rated gunfight, shooting in a such a way that lights fall from the ceiling and knock guards out instead of just blowing a hole in their chest (how does she know a falling light won’t kill them?). She also gets very beat up from the guards’ bullets. Eventually her glowing robot eye gets exposed in classic Terminator fashion.

Through it all John Henry assists from his robot lair, using his super computer powers to open the electronically controlled doors in the prison, and Ms Weaver joins John Henry to watch the show.

John Henry opens all the cell doors, allowing a nice and distracting prison riot to ensue. Sarah eventually finds Hotbot in the chaos and they duck out of the prison at the exact same moment John pulls up in his SUV. They quickly speed away and crash through the security gate to freedom. No one even seems to try and follow them. What a lazy prison.

At Evil Robot Corp: John and Sarah go to see Ms Weaver. While waiting in the lobby – Really? They had to wait? Ms Weaver had something more important to do? – they talk about Sarah’s cancer. Sort of. John says Hotbot thinks Sarah is sick, then Sarah doesn’t say anything. Healthy relationships are all about communication. Then Ellison shows up to say Ms Weaver is done with her conference call or whatever the hell she was doing. John randomly says “I Love You” before they get in the elevator. Hmm…

Downstairs, Hotbot breaks in and goes to see John Henry. He says “I know you” and she says “I know you.” Awww… Then he says, “Will you join us?” and she takes a knife out of her pocket and shuts the door slowly. Man, this ep really is channeling my junior prom night.

Up in Ms Weaver’s office Sarah and Ms Weaver bicker mildly (Sarah Conner has one of the worst attitudes for a protagonist I’ve seen in a while). Then suddenly that crazy robot plane-thing that we saw earlier in the season comes flying towards them. Ms. Weaver goes all T-1000 and turns into a pentagon to protect them as the robot plane-thing crashes into the office, exploding.

John, Sarah and Ellison run to safety and then a liquid metal eel reattaches itself to Weaver. Wait… was that plane-thing her the whole time? Even last time we saw it? I’m not sure. Um, okay, let’s just say it was.

The foursome is running down the stairwell while Sarah and Ms Weaver continue their bickering. Sarah is all, They’re trying to kill my son, then Weaver’s all, No they’re trying to kill MY son. Then Sarah’s all, Your son is going to destroy the future, and Weaver’s all, no I built him to save the future. They continue their whose-son-is-in-more-danger pissing contest all the way up until they arrive at John Henry’s lab to find…

Cameron the Hotbot sitting lifeless in a chair. At first they think John Henry took out her chip, but wrong, Hotbot took it out herself and gave it to John Henry. And now he’s gone. But where did John Henry go then?

Well, to the future of course. It is now revealed that there’s a time machine in the room. Of course, why not? Ms Weaver activates it, surrounding all of them. Ellison backs away immediately. Surprisingly so does Sarah.

John says he has to go. He has to find “her,” the Hotbot. Cause they’re in love or something creepy like that. Sarah says she’ll stay in the present and fight “it.” I’m assuming she means John Henry’s evil super-computer brother.

Time runs out and the time travel commences!

Now we’re in the dirty future and the signature Terminator time-travel blue bubble appears, leaving a naked John and Ms Weaver. I’m not really sure why she ended up naked since her clothes are part of her skin. But she quickly corrects this by giving herself a rugged future leather coat. John finds a coat on the ground and puts it on.

Then Ms Weaver promptly disappears right when John is apprehended by some future humans, and…

OMG! It’s Derek! Future Derek! I knew they wouldn’t kill B.A.G.! I guess that explains why his death was so uninteresting. Well, obviously John is just as happy as we all are. So he’s all like, hey it’s me, John Conner, but then Derek’s all, John Conner? Never heard that name before.

What the? Then Derek drops a double bomb when he’s like, You’re wearing my brothers coat. Oh, and here’s my brother now.

Then Kyle Reese, star of the first Terminator movie and also John’s father, enters the scene. And with him is Hotbot, who also doesn’t recognize John. What’s going on?

Oh snap! By traveling into the future John has disrupted future-history! He never became the rebel-leading hero now! Hmm, this sort of negates the relevance of all the movies and this very TV show, since obviously the rebel alliance started up with out him. So really the humans were going to pull together no matter what, and previously John Conner just happened to be the person who did it. But if he didn’t, someone else would. And did.

I guess he was never actually that important. All those people that the Conners got killed over the course of the past two seasons trying to protect John no-matter-what was kind of for nothing.

Huh.

Well, as a final moment we cut back to where Ms. Weaver and John first appeared in the future. It seems like the time-travel connection is still sort of open cause there are residual electrical crackles. Then we hear Sarah say “I love you too.” Oh! See, cause he randomly said “I love you” to her at Evil Robot Corp. So now this is her saying it back. Cause when someone says “I love you,” it’s always way more meaningful if you just don’t respond in anyway, then wait until there’s no possible chance they can hear you (say, like, they just traveled through time or something), and THEN say it back. God, my junior prom night once again! I think these writers have been spying on me.

Well, that is potentially that kids. Fingers crossed that the series gets renewed!