Thanksgasm: 2010

It’s a day to give thanks. For our loved ones, for our health, for our country. For our TVs.

LOVE

Our TVs are the common denominator here, cuz they help us relate to our loved ones, our health, and our country better. Would you even know what Spanx were if it weren’t for TVs? Would you know what a Cookie Monster was? Would you have known it wasn’t cool to bang another girl even if you were on a break in your relationship? No. You would not. You would stumble around the world all flabby and thinking your cookies were safe while ruining your relationships.

The point is, we hope that you carve that turkey on this special day and thank the Lord (or whoever). For TV. Let’s hold hands and do this right, shall we? Pick a recapper and grab his or her mit so we can pray. What are you thankful for?

Ack: I am thankful for Abed and Troy’s blanket fort and Starburns’ top hat. I am thankful for Russell Edgington’s light and flaky exterior, Eric Northman’s biceps, and Alcide Herveaux’s abs. I am thankful for Robin Sparkles and Slapsgiving. I am thankful that Don Draper and Peggy Olsen are BFFs when no one is looking. I am thankful that Dexter introduced Lumen to his Dark Passenger (and also Harrison). I am thankful for Fauxlivia and Walternate and Peter’s peacoats. I am thankful for Booth and Bones and their everlasting sexual tension. I am thankful that we don’t need a “Save Chuck” campaign this year. I am thankful for Phil Dunphy’s big heart and small brain. I am thankful that the Doctor thinks bowties are cool. I am thankful that Dennis is not Dee’s baby daddy. I am thankful for Jack Donaghy’s unborn child and the corn in Liz Lemon’s teeth. Lastly I am thankful for my DVR, which allows me to live vicariously through fictional characters, therefore giving me no reason to interact with any actual people in real life.  Amen.

J-Mo: This year I am Thankful for two things on TV. First, FOX’s awesome Glee-follower called “Raising Hope” is rapidly becoming my favorite thing to watch on Tuesday nights, and for many reasons: Cute baby? Check. White Trash family much like my own? Check. Hot (but stupid) GrandpaDaddy? Check. Cloris Leachman showing poochy belly and her giant boobs? Chuh-HECK! And best of all, MARTHA PLIMPTON??!? Checkcheckcheckcheckcheck! (Seriously, she steals just about every scene she’s in… AND she used to bang River Phoenix!).

This is an awesomely dark comedy with smart writing and lovable losers that make you feel better about your own life (unlike those dumbasses over at “16 and Pregnant” who just make you want to vote for mass sterilization).

Also, I want to give a shout-out to CBS’s “Mike & Molly” for finally putting a fat couple back on TV (first fatasses in PrimeTime since Dan and Roseanne!) and actually having them DO stuff, like eat and date and fuck and things like that. The writing isn’t as sharp as “Raising Hope” and there are a few too many easy (and lame) fat jokes, but that Billy Gardell is mighty damned cute (woof), and the show has gained some notoriety for having caused this shrill harpy anorexic shrew of a blogger over at Marie Claire magazine to write a hateful column in which she says having to watch fat people do anything on TV makes her physically ill. (Google it, it’s fun)

You know, living as a fat man in a world that is frequently uncomfortable for fat people, I think it’s just grand when we can return the favor to our skinny-bitch sisters and brothers every once in a while. Anyhow, I’ll be back soon with Top Chef All Stars, and have a Happy Thanksgiving (and lots and lots of pie)! Love, J-Mo

Chooch: I’m thankful for Dexter Morgan & his ability to work as a blood splatter analyst by day & apply that knowledge to his heroic serial killer obsessions at night. This show & it’s continuous OMG! WTF? edge of your seat drama is what I’m thankful for… as a matter of fact, I’m thankful for ALL of the cable networks that are brave enough to put out programming that keeps my mind stimulated & awake. Shows like “Breaking Bad”, “True Blood”, “The Big C” & now “Walking Dead”. It’s refreshing to NOT know how the show is going to end & add in some sex, drugs & naked bodies & a few “look thru your fingers” moments & I can’t wait for the next episode! And the added plus is they drown out those stupid “Housewhores” some people seem to be addicted too.

Dear Crabby: I am thankful for Harry Potter marathon weekends! The innocence of the first movies show where everything was new and a delight and the kids were adorable (except Hermione’s hair, what a tragedy!). The middle movies show Harry, Ron and Hermione going through puberty and me aging quickly as the Dementors in the movies look exactly like I thought they would, causing me to need Depends much earlier than anticipated.

And poor Cedric! Oh well, looks like sucking blood has served him well, so he’s probably not too upset about not grabbing the portkey fast enough. I know enough people who love these marathon weekends just as much as I do, which makes waking up at 1am with parmesan cheese popcorn bits all over my sweater, the dogs taking up more of the sofa than I have, and peeling my contacts off my dry eyeballs to go to bed a little less sad. I think.

Flipit: I am Thankful for finding The A List on Logo’s website for a holiday weekend marathon. I avoided it at first because it looked like a Housewives ripoff show about a bunch of scary, bitchy, mean, shallow, horrid queens in NYC and I didn’t wanna feel bad about being a homo. But I finally gave in and watched, and now I LOVE it because it’s a Housewives ripoff show about a bunch of scary, bitchy, mean, shallow, horrid queens in NYC and it makes me feel like the saintliest homo to ever walk the Earth. And plus, it’s super hilarious and fun.

When Derek, one of the bitchiest, queeniest, spray tanniest boys of the bunch, forces his fag hag to dote on him after a lip injection, tell him how pretty he is, and shave his legs, I was on the floor. I don’t know if the crew of the Mayflower had any idea this show would happen when they sailed their pasty asses over here, but I’d like to think that if they could have seen the future they would have raved. After two model friends get in a catfight and one accuses the other of “wanting to be me”, Derek looks straight at the camera and asks “what out of work model wants to be another out of work model?” This show? Fucking priceless.

SexyPanda: I’m thankful for shows like Hoarders, Obsessed, Intervention, What’s Eating You, Til Debt Do Us Part, Teen Mom, those TLC specials like Ton of Love, and any VH1 reality show. These shows remind me that I’m actually pretty kick ass. I’m not a fat junkie who lives in a pile of filth without a working potty–nor am I a broke idiot with an OCD cleaning problem. And I’m not a slut trying to suck on Bret Michaels’ schlong. Nope, I’m just a well-adjusted panda with a regular ol’ life, and that, my friends, is the best!

Also, I’m thankful for the Roseanne marathon that’s coming. Praise be to TVLand!

P-Baby Walker: I am thankful for holiday themed TV episodes of my favorite shows. Topping the list of holiday episodes is the Thanksgiving dinner put on by the gang on Saved By The Bell: The College Years. I had my doubts when I found out the crazy kids from Bayside were going to attempt to seek higher education rather than become full-time employees at Mr. Carosi’s Malibu Sands Beach Club. Obviously I had to tune in when this train wreck began in 1993. I was pleasantly surprised at the gang’s ongoing antics and still secretly hold out hope Belding is going to pull a Feeny and become a professor at California University even though that ship has long since sailed. Nothing warms my heart more than when the gang get stranded at Cal U for Thanksgiving dinner and end up putting on a dinner for some inner city kids. They couldn’t use homeless people because that was already a charity cause when Zack and friends saved the homeless dude and hot homeless daughter at the mall for a Christmas themed show.

What clinches SBTB:TCY’s Thanksgiving is the guest appearances by Brian Austin Green (remember when he and Tiffani Thiessen were knocking boots, pre-Megan Fox? God, the 90′s were brilliant.), Jenna Von Oy (SIX!), and best of all, the lovely, talented, handsome Jonathan Brandis. Dude’s Tiger Beat pinups literally wallpapered my bedroom and my Mom finally refused to keep renting Sidekicks for me from the local video store. He is always welcome at my Thanksgiving table. RIP.

VirginiaApple: Well, of course I am thankful for my DVR. I am also grateful that Bubblegum, my Snuggie, keeps my arms warm while I’m FF’ing through commercials. On Sundays, I am thankful that a female team might FINALLY win The Amazing Race and that Boardwalk Empire has become interesting enough to fill at least part of the period drama hole in my heart during Mad Men’s hiatus. On Mondays, I am thankful that the HIMYM writers remembered how to be funny and that the Chuck writers let Sarah Walker have a personality again. Yvonne Strahovski is a BADASS.

On Tuesdays, I am thankful that the supporting cast of Glee keeps me from putting my head through the wall while watching that show and that The Good Wife has brought Dan Rydell, Smokey, and Jason Street together. On Wednesdays, I am thankful that there have been 5 seasons of Friday Night Lights, even though I’m going to need some sort of support group when that show is over. Seriously, Matt Saracen is the love of my TV life. I am also thankful that despite having very few cast members that I like, this season of The Challenge has been compelling and fun to watch. The three team format was a great idea, in my opinion. On Thursdays, I am thankful that The Vampire Diaries has been shockingly awesome and features many, many beautiful men. I suppose I’m sort of thankful for Outsourced, since at least it prevents The Office from being my least favorite NBC comedy.

And last, but certainly not least, I am thankful for the ‘Gasm- to Flipit, for being delightful; to my fellow recappers, for being hilarious; and to you, Gasmii, for reading/commenting/also being delightful.

HoneyGangsta: This year I am thankful for Say Yes to the Dress on TLC (and Netflix for letting me watch it for hours at a time commercial-free). Not being much of a shopper myself, I never imagined I could have such a strong reaction to watching women try on clothes. I got to see a grown adult woman pout and guilt her mother into spending ten thousand dollars on a few yards of tulle and sequins.

Then there was the Greek daddy who bargained his way from 24,000 dollars to 15,000 dollars for an as-is gown that was torn to shreds from being tried on. I love it when these women drain their (or their unsuspecting parents’) savings on a see-through corset attached to 500 tutus that even Christina Aguilera would call tacky.

For the kind of money this show tells me is normal, those dresses should be reversible – and the inside should be a car. I think if given the chance, the pilgrims would totally have come shopping at Kleinfeld’s because they were religious and probably big on getting married. On a very special episode where a pilgrim married an Indian, Kleinfeld’s could have designed a one-of-a-kind veil out of wild turkey feathers… then charged the price of three log cabins for it.

IceQueen: I’m thankful for the women and girls on television who have made me the woman I am today. From my childhood BFFs: Tootie, Blossom, Punky and Kimmy Gibbler, to the women I aspired to be: Murphy, Ally, Hot Lips, Lt. Uhura and Whitley Gilbert.

I’m thankful for all of the women in the Cosby family – except for Vanessa, she was the worst – who showed me that it’s OK to be bougie sometimes. I’m thankful for Buffy, who taught me that you can have bad taste in men and still be kick-ass. I’m thankful for Iman for being unexpectedly bitchy on Not Project Runway. I’m thankful for Kristin on the Bad Girls Club for coming out of a drunken stupor and pointing out that all of the women on that show act like crazed animals.

Mostly, though, I’m thankful for The Golden Girls and their wit, courage and outspokenness. And if TV executives could find it in their itty-bitty hearts to put more black women and girls on television in 2011 who aren’t the Real Housewives of Atlanta or that horrible woman from the Popeye’s commercials, I would be ever-so-thankful next year.

L-Money: I am thankful for everything that ever came out of Joss Whedon’s brain and mouth. Including his response to the blasphemous soon-to-be-made Buffy remake movie. Thank you for creating (and/or participating in) so many amazing TV ventures, even if the dull-as-rocks general viewing population can’t appreciate your genius. Don’t give up!

Also thankful for the Food Network and Bravo for giving me a perfectly delectable prequel to Thanksgiving that has all the look and allure of delicious food, but zero calories. Thanks for trying, Fox, but the food served up on Hell’s Kitchen is more appropriate to be served at the kid’s table with the crayons and hand-print turkeys.

LadyStardust: I am thankful that Vh1 decided to continue producing trash TV. Remember when that guy from Megan Wants a Millionaire decided to murder that stripper he married, then he hung himself in Canada? So Vh1 decided to “clean up” the trashy programming that made them relevant again. I was devastated, to say the least.

I’ve watched pretty much every skanky dating show since the first Flavor of Love and wasn’t quite sure what I’d do without them. But don’t worry, Gasmii! Vh1 is back again and currently showing gems such as My Big Friggin’ Wedding (which I am recapping…ahem…) and I Love Money 3. I’m just surprised that out of all those crazy people they get for their shows that only one has completely lost it. Happy Thanksgiving!

SwellMel: I am thankful for my dearest Flipit giving me the opportunity to recap about the Kardashians in their various incarnations i.e. “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, “Kourtney and Khloe: Take Miami,” and the newest one “Kim and Kourtney: Take New York,” scheduled to air in January. Love them, hate them you got to admit the Kardashians are entertaining: a kohl-rimmed Dick Van Dyke chimney sweep stripe-and-skull-scarf wearing mother (Kris a.k.a. Goth Ronald), castrated father (Bruce) and sharp dressed little man MASON!

At the dinner table Thursday, I will also be thanking Tony Robbins for his short two-episode stint “Breakthrough with Tony Robbins”. Never have I laughed so hard when writing a recap (besides my Justin Beiber E! Special). Tony Robbins, whenever I play the game Mercy I always think fondly of you. Hope you’re having an awesome Thanksgiving on your magicial Fiji Island.

SlifeGoesOn: At this time of year, I like to give thanks for certain things on television that inspire me, make me smile, make me laugh, and make me drool. At the top of my list are:
Sue Sylvester
Darren Criss’ rendition of “Teenage Dream” on Glee
Ryan Kwanten
Joe Manganiello’s abs
A killer fifth season of Dexter
The return of Big Love
Lauren Conrad’s return to TV
Top Chef: All Stars
Yigit Pura’s abs
The instant quotables of 30 Rock
The creative resurgence on 90210 this season
The pacing of the storylines on Fringe
Mondo’s creativity and bravery on Project Runway
Tim Gunn chewing out Gretchen
The Situation’s abs
Jesse Williams and Sarah Drew becoming regular cast members on Grey’s Anatomy
Every Mad Men scene with Peggy Olsen
Kristen Wiig in every sketch on SNL
Everything about Vampire Diaries! (Why is no one covering it for TVgasm?!)
Taylor Kinney’s abs
The wit, wisdom, and wardrobe of Lisa Vanderpump on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Emily VanCamp getting booted from Brothers & Sisters
Ugly Betty‘s Vanessa Williams finding a new home on Desperate Housewives
Melrose Place‘s Katie Cassidy now wreaking havoc over on Gossip Girl
And of course, all my loyal gasmii readers! You make it all worth it!

Bluzgirl: I have a whole list of how TV makes me feel thankful.

Dr. Oz–you contantly remind me of my own mortality because apparently everything I currently do will cause my demise, probably within a week.

Biggest Loser (first half of season ONLY)–you make me feel skinny. Real Housewives (any of ‘em): I realize I could be more shallow and thankfully, I am not.

The Walking Dead–I am not currently being stalked by zombies (other than some work colleagues) and for this, I am deeply grateful.

Wheel of Fortune–you make me feel smart.

Jeopardy–You remind me I’m not and I am humbled. 16 and Pregnant–you make me happy I was too homely in high school to bang.

Hoarders—thank you for making my basement look clean.

Dexter—you’re a constant reminder to keep my knives sharpened.

Cash Cab–Thank you for making me walk more than ride—it is waaaay less humiliating!

Any sporting event–you give me an excuse to drink beer and eat wings. I love this country.

***Thanks for being with us. Have a happy holiday. We are thankful for you! xo