That’s Amore!: Acquaro Ho-Down

It’s the final week on THAT’S AMORE, and we have quite a prizefight. In one corner, there’s Kim, “The Insecure Egomaniac” Martin and in the other, Megan “Ms. Opportunity” Mirilovich (thanks Wikipedia for giving us their last names. Now we can go online and check if any of the contestants are sexual predators). Kim’s beatdowns are psychological, as she berates people to death, obsesses over her non-existent greatness, and overall bothers people with her Planet of the Apes face. Megan’s skills revolve around trickery – you’ll barely notice her as she quietly, sneakily makes you so used to having her around, you convince yourself you actually enjoy spending time with her. But, before you know it, she’s bored you to death. All of this, from Acquardo, Italy!

So, gasmii – you ready to rumble?

Megan and Kim are ecstatic that they’re going to Domenico’s hometown of Acquaro, Italy. He meets them at the top of the hill, and we find out that, while picturesque, Acquaro ain’t exactly bustling. Domenico says that the village is so small, if you fart on one side of the village, someone will hear it on the other side. I’m guessing, however, it has more to do with the local diet than with the square milage of the town. Salami and goat’s milk seven days a week, plus unpaved roads lead to some unpleasant side effects.

“Watch out for that pothole…(ripping sound)…did somebody just step on a duck?”

The village is really low maintenance – it has one butcher, one bakery, one church, and that’s it. Megan didn’t understand how nobody was working and everyone was basically doing nothing. She admitted that she has never been out of the country, but honestly, haven’t you met a hipster by now?

All this guy needs is a Che shirt and a derby he found at the salvation army and he’s bonafide hipster scum.

Domenico takes Megan on the first day-long date to his cousin Rocco’s bar. For some reason, Rocco is dressed like one of the nihilists in The Big Lebowski, only odder/gayer. That, or his jacket is from the future and self-dries like Marty McFly’s in Back to the Future Part 2.

“Donatella Versace designed it. It smells like cigarettes, vagina, and grappa.”

Domenico and Megan talk about how it’s the first time he’s brought a girl home to the family, and so they’re both nervous. He asks her, if he picks her, why she would want to be with him. She says it’s because he’s sweet, much sweeter than her ex-boyfriend, who by the simple fact of her talking about him, she’s not over. If Domenico is hoping for That’s Amore 2, he’d be well served to pick Megan. After the conversation, they leave his cousin’s bar and the camera shows us what it really looks like on the outside.

Either his cousin is a squatter, or Acquaro hasn’t really recovered since 1945.

After the bar, they move on to a butcher shop. Like many places in Europe, the butcher has very fresh meats available, and do the slicing on-site. Megan is not pumped about it and the smell makes her start to gag a little. She calms down however as Domenico cheers her up, and they laugh as a pig’s head is sliced off. Could it be a metaphor for what Megan hopes is Kim’s fate?

Excuse the amateur photoshop skills, friends.

Megan is a bit nervous that Dom’s family is going to make her cook, considering the last time she cooked anything she almost gave Domenico salmonella. Unfortunately for her, one of the first thing Domenico’s mother does is throw on an apron when she meets her. The whole family, which includes Dom’s mother father, grandmother, grandfather, great aunt and great uncle, seems ecstatic to meet Megan, although all foreign people seem excitable to me, including my extended relatives.

Despite her hesitation, Megan digs in with the cooking but is a little disoriented since everyone is speaking in Italian. She helps the family make some noodles, and for some reason gets an applause when she’s done. Dom’s mother even says, “I like her.” They all ask Megan the basics – does she have any brothers and sisters, where her family is from, and how many kids she wants to have. She responds to the second inquiry that her grandmother is from Italy, which seriously confuses Dom’s family. They all ask why she can’t cook?

Yyyyeaaaah, so let’s talk about how many kids I want to have…

After dinner, Domenico hangs out with the guys, while Megan hangs with the ladies. Things are a little awkward with Megan, since she’s awkward in the first place and was counting on Domenico to be her interpreter. Domenico, on the other hand, is making like it’s the Buena Vista social club and talking about his hoe.

“You tap that shit yet, little Dommie?”

The next day, it’s Kim’s date, and she wants Domenico to know that “I’ll stay [in Italy] if he wants.” Considering the show’s going back to LA after this, you might want to be careful what you wish for. Regardless, their first date is “something sweet” as Domenico takes her to the bakery. She asks if her parents are going to care that she’s blonde, to which Domenico says, “you color your hair, so it’s no big deal.” But when she asks if they will care that she’s got fake boobs, he gets uncomfortable and says, “welllll…I was thinking we could tell them that much later.”

“Like…when you’re off the show and I haven’t picked you.”

Kim is clearly in love with both Domenico and Acquaro, and says that the local townsfolk are so happy and full of life. The show then cuts to the most dilapidated area in Acquaro, barely beating out Domenico’s cousin’s bar/whorehouse.

Wait, this is Dom’s cousin’s bar, just the bathroom area.

After the bakery, Dom takes Kim to his grandfather’s olive garden. When they meet his grandfather he comes outside acting like a crazy person, waving a chicken around by the neck. He makes like he’s gonna cut off the chicken head (not Kim, the chicken itself) right in front of them. Kim starts to freak out and can’t watch, but good old Nono (grandpa in Italian) doesn’t give a shit and slices that bird’s neck with one fell swoop. Maybe if she pictured it like this, it would help.

“sqwak”

Nono asks Kim to hold the chicken so he can put it in a bag and the blood can drain out. Kim, after some hesitation, agrees to and it’s made into a big deal by Domenico since she’s “willing to do all of this for me.” She’s a hostess in Vegas – I have a feeling she’s willing to do lots of things for odd men. That being said, when they finally go to Dom’s house for dinner, one of the first things that she’s asked to is create salami. Kim, at this point, is at her most insecure, and she’s a bit worried that, because Megan went first and comes across as sweet, the family might not think much of her since she’s blonde with fake boobs. But, after she makes that salami and holds it, proudly, in the sky, how could they not love her?

Grandma’s description of Kim’s salami = How I feel after watching this show.

As they sit down for dinner, Dom’s mother asks her what color her hair is. Kim notes that they’re extensions and then tells Domenico, “you want to tell them?” She’s referring to her silicone tits, which raises the question – You didn’t want them to find out about your fake boobs except for the fact that you were the one who wanted to bring it up. Seriously, this girl is terrible. That being said, Dom’s grandmother thinks they look nice and after hearing that, Dom’s dad says that “for me, Kim is the ideal one.”

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

After dinner, Dom consults with his no 1. consigliere (sorry Ashley), his mother. She tells Domenico that Kim seems outgoing and easy to talk to. She also says that she is “a beautiful, elegant woman,” which makes me harken back to my opening speech last week – is Dom’s family the Italian version of rednecks?

Either way, they feel happy about both girls, and at breakfast the next morning, tell Domenico, Kim and Megan that they have a special surprise in the town square for them. Basically, the entire town has come outside to greet them and hold a parade, donkey, band and all. The band is all wearing t-shirts with Dom’s face on it, and Megan feels like a “movie star.”

Don’t worry Megan, I PROMISE you no one will think about you in 2 months.

The parade is actually really cool and emphasizes how small Dom’s town is. It’s quite a logistical undertaking and the town really seems to be into it. Everyone is loving life over there and I finally understand that Domenico is only 40% full of shit as opposed to 80%.

Dom and the gals comes home to his best gay, Ashley, who apparently drives that RV he calls a bachelor pad around. He’s come to pick up Dom and the gals at the airport, and is really happy to be with his friends once again. Dom, however is torn because he’s back and forth between the girls. So, to solve this dilemma, he’s decided to have a hot tub date with Kim.

I wish my problems were as easy to solve as this guy’s.

Kim and Megan are talking and Kim says all her and Domenico are gonna do is make out the whole time. Megan wishes she could put a muzzle on Kim, and I can’t believe it took someone 6 episodes to say that. They go on the hottub date, and as they stare into one another’s eyes, Kim asks Domenico what he sees. He says that he sees that she’s really generous and really sweet, and Kim says in confessional that people “never look at me that way.” Does she not realize that that’s what happens when you psychologically torture them and make them cry?

Nonetheless, Kim is really convinced that she’s into him because he sees her for more than the pretty face. He admits in confessional that he feels like he’s really falling in love, so perhaps the feeling will be mutual. Although, Domenico has a funny way of picking presents that show he cares about what’s on the inside.

Yes, he gave her an f’ing pearl necklace.

Kim comes back showing off her pearl necklace (wouldn’t be the first time – hi-o) to Megan, and asks if Megan likes it. She says, “No. Not really,” and wins another point from this judge in the battle of the bitches.

The contenders.

It’s time for Domenico and Megan’s date and once again, he tries to get her to cook. Ultimately, she just watches him cook, and says blasé things in confessional about how he brings butterflies to her stomach. Megan talks about the father that walked out on her family to Domenico, and she’s really laying it on thick at this point to win. Kim’s basically shown all her punches, but is it cynical of us to think Megan was waiting on this roundhouse until the end?

Little miss innocent, or not?

Domenico’s gift for Megan is an Italian cookbook and a heart necklace, and Megan coyly says thank you. She says she wants to start a whole new chapter of her life with him, but something about her seems insincere. Still, the best thing about Megan is her rapport with Kim, and the next day, during breakfast, they had this awesome exchange:

Kim: “I wonder what’s going through Domenico’s head right now? Like, he’s probably like…”

Megan: “Freaking out?”

Kim: “…and thinking how amazing I am.”

Megan: “Uhhh. No. He’s thinking that he’s sending you home and I’m staying.”

Kim: “but he doesn’t love anything about you.”

What now bitch?

The last pizza mail comes in and the girls get a day at the spa. The girls can’t belive it’s the two of them. Kim says she’s never fought over a guy her whole life. Looking back, she’s been “a bitch to every girl in the house. I hate to say it but that kind of is me. I’ll do whatever it takes to get what I want.”

She said it.

It’s time for the big decision and an orchestra is there playing music for Domenico’s final pick, in case the finale wasn’t tacky enough. He’s crying like a baby as the girls approach the stage. After telling Megan that she has walls, he tells Kim that she’s a little superficial, and might not be interested in him when he gets old and bald. Kim starts to put on her monkeyface as she holds back a cry, and Domenico crushes her soul right then and there by picking Megan.

“Damn, Dirty Italian!”

Kim looks like she’s ready to choke a bitch or stab a motherfucker. But seriously, should we feel bad for her? We know that soon, she’ll find some 40 year old coked out I-banker to love her. That, or we’ll see her on VH1 in 6 months. Either way, she lost the fight.

Domenico and Megan make out a little bit, and an opera singer starts going off on this shit. For our final little shot the happy couple is sitting together in the sausage room. Domenico and Megan finish this shitshow perfectly, as Domenico bullshits, “When you love, you got wings and you fly. So just go ahead and fly. Cause lovin’ is the most amazing thing in the world. And don’t be scared about doin’ it. Cause when you’re doin’ it, it doesn’t mean you’re dreaming, it means you’re living a dream.” Megan says, “That was nice,” and Domenico responds “Sometimes that comes out good.” By “that” he means bullshit. And That’s Amore, so….

Bullshit(That’s) Love!(Amore)

Alright, gasmii thanks for listening to dumb dick and vagina jokes these past six weeks. I’ll be back when we take yet another Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 2…because we didn’t learn our lesson the first time. Until then!