That’s Amore!: The House of the Cursed Hoes

Last week on THAT’S AMORE, Domenico learned that blondes and brunettes don’t like each other and that Kathleen has “not had sexytime.” He for some reason didn’t learn that Kim is a succubus hosebeast, but I guess it’s hard to see past those plastic shot glass holders. Nonetheless, it’s a new week, so maybe Dom will see the light and decide to hit Kim and quit Kim. OR maybe that’s been his plan all along. Even if he doesn’t exactly come across as lucid.

What’s Italian for “wake and bake?”

Dom decides to cook the girls breakfast, and stir the pot a little while he’s at it. While everyone is downstairs he asks Ashley about her comment the night before that the blondes and brunettes were at odds. Dom decides to call her out on it and ask the blondes if what she’s saying is true. The blondes agree that it is, and Ashley believes they segregated themselves first, and that they suck and talk about their boobs all day. All mostly true statements.

“The first time I got them done, it took me like 10 days to recover. But the second time they went in through the nipple and…”

The blondes, of course think they have the upper hand, represented by Eva Braun/Kim, who says, “It’s like war and the blondes will win cause we’re hotter.” Domenico, meanwhile, walks away from the trouble he stirred up and moves on to Kathleen, the virgin on an MTV Dating show. She’s like a unicorn, only pruder. Domenico, nonetheless encouraged enough to still have interest, gets a nice kiss from her off in the corner.

Everyone then sits down to breakfast and Ashley (Dom’s homeboy, not the contestant – let’s call him “General Lee” from now on) gives a schpiel about what a good guy Dom is, because he honestly can’t say more than 500 American words. He says that Dom is genuine and true and that “the girl he ends up with is the girl he’ll want to spend the rest of his life with.” Off camera, General Lee says that’s awesome and something that he wants. Translation 1: Roadies gotta get pussy too. Translation 2: MTV please give me a reality show with whores! Please! Also an extra touch of humor is added by the fact that Dom looks like General Lee’s houseboy at the breakfast table.

“For your next date with Dom, you’ll watch as he cleans my boots with his tounge. Isn’t he an awesome guy?”

Rebecca’s inspired by General Lee’s man-love speech about Dom, and begins to bawl up. Wait that was me. Rebecca is crying (and has been all day) because after being picked last, she’s never felt more insecure in her life. With the face she makes after crying, I’m not sure why. Surely, she’s been rejected a few times.

Why hasn’t he called?!?!

Kim, as sensitive as ever, says that Rebecca needs to get those tears out, “shed em out and stop f’ing bawling. Nobody cares.” Despite not being one for words, Kim makes a point. I’d be shocked if Rebecca doesn’t leave this week, unless of course she lets Dom cop a feel again.

“Can I put-a bagga di paper on your head?”

Pizza mail arrives to the girls and they all excitedly run after it like a horde anorexia rehab patients after a, well…pizza. Dom asks the girls to meet him in the “Colloseum” which is really the backyard. For this challenge, Dom is going to separate the girls into blondes and brunettes, which both sides are thrilled about. In her confessional, Missy says she’s a natural blonde and that “the curtains match the carpet if I had any.” Then she laughs like it was a cocktail party joke.

“All the gals at the country club know. I’m waxed.”

For this challenge, instead of having them dive in a pool of spaghetti, Dom will further humiliate the girls by having them wear helmets with pizza trays on them. The blondes, in green, and brunettes, in blue, put their uniforms on and start goofing off. And by goofing off, it’s mostly the blondes acting like cavewomen.

“Funny hat no work. Head still dizzy.”

The girls basically have to make a pizza while it’s on top of their heads, moving from crust to sauce to cheese to toppings, then search through pizza boxes to find one that will let them move on, to then riding a bike and delivering the pizza. If the pizza falls the girls self-esteem does with it, and she has to put it back on hear head. Rebecca kills Jessica on the first matchup, to the point where the next person who goes just misses lapping her. Ashley, however, narrows the gap a little bit and then does an unbelievably scary “GO BLUE” that come from the depths of her slight dykiness.

“I just slapped my cock in your face, blondies!”

Talor managed to keep the blonde’s lead, but Christina put in a valiant effort to keep the brunettes in the race. So valiant, to the point that she started bleeding. She cut herself badly on the cheese grater, which she admitted she has never used before. That’s what you get for being a golddigger.

As Christina gets treated, we get our first taste of scheudenfraude! Kim manages to screw up finding the bike lock key in the pizza boxes, and the brunettes come from behind for the win! Rebecca is mad because the Brunettes got to go on “my date.” The rest of the blondes are pissed too as they start flinging pizzas at the brunettes. Kim goes as far as to admit being bitter about the situation and my heart warms a little.

That’s Amore or a food fight scene from Caged Heat 2: Stripped of Freedom? You decide.

Meanwhile, Christina’s cut hasn’t stopped bleeding. The cut was on the joint of her finger. Kim of course, says “I don’t mean to be rude, but big deal. She’s a bitch.” Of course if this happened to her she would’ve acted like a baby after a good shake. Despite Kim’s insensitivity, the on set EMT calls for an ambulance so it’s serious enough. Dom says he feels terrible because she was suffering all due to the fac t that she’s trying to win a date with him. Although, the fact that he’s making girls race while wearing a pizza on their heads and grating parmesan might hold some responsibility.

“Are you ok? I’m imdemnified by Viacom, inc., so don’t try to sue me.”

Dom’s date with the brunettes is a night outdoors of hottubbing and a firepit. Jessica says that “everything was leopard and black…it was really, like, romantic.” Isn’t naivete adorable? Jessica also pointed out that Dom has bottles of wine that he “made himself.” Those are probably bottles of yellow tail that they couldn’t use on TV without blurring, so they had their graphic design team create this retarded label of what looks like Dom’s head on the David.

He is a real work of art.

Dom decides he needs some alone time with each girl, so he starts with Megan. He notices that she’s shy and asks if she’s a small town girl. She admits that she is and isn’t enjoying the cattiness between all the girls. She’s just there for him. Then she goes on to swallow his tongue.

“Ain’t much to do in small towns ‘xcept swallow some tongue.”

Dom then invites Jessica over, and the poor thing looks like a tomboy version of Heidi Fleiss. Domenico’s still stirring the pot, and he asks Jess who she doesn’t like. She says she has a problem with Taylor. He agrees that she “look kind of funny.” But Jessica immediately pounces and this and like a sad impression of an 8 year old, she says, “yeah, her body looks funny.” Always one for seeing the bright side in hoes, Dom says, “She does have a nice ass though.” Jessica was dumb enough to get him thinking about another girl during their alone time. To get back his attention, she begins to insist that her ass is better and shows it to him – Dom’s response off-camera is why they call him charming. “She had a good-a bump, but I remember the bump more than the face.” Which really just explains why she was so eager to show it to him.

“Look into my ass and tell me you love me.”

Love comes in to see Dom and she starts cackling like Whitney Houston at a coke den. She’s smearing on the crazy today, as she starts speaking her own language and in it, tells Dom that she loves him. I’d hand this one off to General Lee, old buddy. Afterwards, Ashley came in saying it was the most romantic thing she had ever done before in her life, which is sad. Luckily, we don’t have to feel bad about hating on her because she talks about herself non-stop to the point where Dom can’t get a word in edge-wise. Hilariously, she says in confessional that she thought she should’ve talked more during their alone time. But if there’s one thing you don’t do, it’s to keep this man from getting all the attenzione.

All eyes on me.

According to Rebecca, she, Kim, and Missy are all just goofing around upstairs. By goofing around, I suppose it means standing in a corner and letting girls toss condoms full of water at you execution-style. Rebecca’s into that submissive shit, but Kim doesn’t get why some girl would let other people do this to her. Well, the answer is because Rebecca just wants to fit in, and letting the other girls kick the crap out of her is the best explanation I guess.

Does this mean we can hang out now?

Rebecca’s an idiot, and henceforth kind of deserves this, but Kim convinces her to keep her head down and let Missy spray a bunch of hairspray on her head to “crimp it.” She then ties a tampon into her hair, which Rebecca, for some reason, doesn’t mind letting them do. Once she looked in the mirror, Rebecca kind of figured out what was going on and saw that Kim and Missy were just exerting their bitchy reign of terror over Rebecca.

Robespierre she ain’t.

Christina comes back and got her wound cleaned up, so she’s ready to give Dom the shocker. Dom, instead chooses to lie down in the corner with her, caressing her like a puppy. She says that she’s happy to have all her fingers, to which he says he’s happy, too. Looks like he’s down for the shocker

At least, I think that’s what this means.

It looks like Rebecca seriously got pissed after Kim and Missy’s abuse session, but Kim doesn’t care cause, “we’re not here to make friends.” Or fans for that matter. Anyways, Christina comes into the room and Kim tells her that Rebecca had a little freak out and started throwing things around, saying that she hated everyone. Rebecca is getting upset because she doesn’t understand why everyone started hating her all of a sudden for no reason, but I think it probably has to do with a little too much of this:

Seriously, stop fucking crying, you’re like Wahmber.

Rebecca, of course can’t control herself and Kim, maybe the most evil person I’ve ever seen on reality television, takes advantage of this. While Rebecca asks why she would lie like she did, and says that it’s cruel, Kim just agrees that yes, “It is cruel.” Rebecca reacts like her daddy/baby daddy just got shot.

In hell, you won’t be this hot (looking).

The girls get ready for a new day and Rebecca is looking rough. To make it worse on her, a pizza box arrives with a horde of anorexic girls’ 2nd favorite thing besides pizza – two pieces! It’s for their next challenge, and it’s also some great eye candy. One person, is having a rougher time than Rebecca and can’t even get out of bed. Love is feeling sick, which is, I think, a beautiful metaphor for this show. Nonetheless, Love soldiers on, ready to dunk into a crap of spaghetti or some other Italian crap.

Better stay away. Love is gonna make you ill.

The girls come down to meet General Lee and Dom, and while Dom is dressed normally, the General is dressed in just a toga and cowboy boots. For once, it looks like the houseboy has become the master. For this challenge, the General tells the girls that they’ll be painting each other and standing on a pedestal. Then, “the lady who holds her pose the longest wins a fairy-tale date with my man, little D, Domenico. ” Good to see General Lee’s back to exerting ownership.

Don’t forget who your daddy is, Dom

As the girls paint themselves, this turns into some other skinemax porno, that I want to see more of. Unfortunately, they put Rebecca on the screen who, with all the paint on her face, looks like an albino witch or an old lady with a coke problem. I can’t tell.

Could also be your cryogenically frozen aunt. Or Freddy Kreuger at a bakery.

The girls begin their pose and look like an odd Bob Guccione photo shoot. Missy goes out first, but Talor thinks she’s gonna own this shit cause she’s got dance experience. Christina goes out next followed by Kim who looks really stupid when she falls off. It’s not funny but I laugh. Cause I’m a hater.

Ha-Ha. You look stupid.

Kathleen went out soon after and Dom was disappointed. “I kind of like Kathleen a little bit,” he admits. Are the feelings genuine or does he just want to swipe that v-card? Jury’s out for me. Talor then goes out and Dom flips out. “I can’t believe it,” he says, “you go to the gym eh-badee day”. Ashley is the next to go down and after 38 minutes love gets out of the game too. As she approaches the rest of the bunch who didn’t win, she collapses. Probably because she realized that she stood on a pedestal for over half an hour for a televised date with a douchebag.

“Can I just go to sleep and never wake up?”

Kim, seeing herself in everyone she deals with, doesn’t believe that Love is for real. She says in confessional that Love should just “keep acting, cause your acting sucks. Take lessons.” Career counseling from a vip hostess *ahem*Spitzer-priced hooker *ahem* are really invaluable. Nonetheless, Love is taken to a hospital, and the game must go on.

Jessica is the first to bail out after the 40 minute mark, which leaves Rebecca and Megan. Dom must feel like a John in Amsterdam at this point – no matter which of the two he picks, he knows there’s better out there. He ends up being stuck with Rebecca, which means there will probably be lots of crying and breast grabbing on his date.

“Sounds fun to me.”

Kim makes a good point (even hoes with delusions of grandeur can make good points) that Rebecca might’ve worked really hard to win this challenge, but it’s not gonna matter because he’s not gonna like her. And after seeing the piece of work that is Rebecca, how can you not agree? Perhaps Dom will during this date.

Rebecca comes downstairs wearing the best thing she could find in Brenda Dickson’s closet, and Dom is waiting with horse and carriage. In the tone of a Chicago Bears fanatic, she tells the camera that after she saw Dom down those stairs, she thought, “What American guy would think of something like that!” For some reason, I don’t think too many of the guys who dated the come-grab-my-boob-since-i-just-met-you-Domenico girl is gonna be so good at the romance.

“I’m so excited I could give you horse and carriage head.”

I’m starting to side with the mean girls here as Rebecca spouts in confessional like a special needs person, “IT WAS LIKE AN ACT-YOU-ALE FAIRY TALE! I WASTH A PRINCESS!” She tells Dom that she was close to going home because Kim decided to be mean to her. Dom sympathizes with her though because when he was on Shot at Love he was the black sheep like she is now.

Speaking of Kim picking on Rebecca, Ashley decides to rally the brunettes together and call out Kim and Missy for being bitches. Christina is explaining to Ashley how it all went down, but Kim says in a very mature tone, “No, you weren’t even there. How would you know?” Missy spouts the same bullshit, but we all know ultimately that they were picking on the poor ugly louse.

“Well how the hell else am I gonna feel better about myself?”

Back on the date, Dom and Rebecca have a nice outdoor dinner and she starts to feel like he’s getting to know her more. He then tells her that you can learn a lot about a person by a kiss, and not surprisingly the cheese gets her hook, line and sinker. She then squeals like a pig in confessional and says in retarded voice again, “AAAAHHHH! (pig squeal) I’M GIDDY LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.”

I’ve seen this before. Ahh yess, the classic film, The Other Sister.

After the date, it’s time for Dom to make his decisions, and he’s dressed like Prince, if Prince played a villain in the next Uwe Boll movie. He chugs down a glass of wine to see if he can remember which one of the girls looked hotter with beer goggles, and drunkenly takes some notes. Ash “General” ley barges in on Dom, and tries to gauge which sloppy seconds he’ll pick up this week.

“Who ya got in the firin’ range, little buddy?”

Dom is interested in Kathleen but says that “she’s like a little kid and needs a lot of affection.” She’s worried she could go, too, since she didn’t get a lot of time with Dom this week. General Lee says what’s good about Christina is that “she’ll probably wipe your butt when you’re old and crippled.” If that’s what he’s looking for, my grandma is single. One person who looks sure to be gone is Ashley, since Dom points out that she doesn’t let a paisan talk.

After Dom and General Lee’s deliberation, Love has come back in the building, although looking like the worst SARS patient I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t want to miss elimination, however, even if she looks a little out of place in the lineup.

What doesn’t belong here???

Dom calls Love up first and tells her that unfortunately, she’s too freaking gross even for him. She’s sent home immediately, with Dom saying, “I want you to go and get bettah.” Love all of a sudden turns into creepy Love, and says to him in a whisper, “I’m not leaving here without you.” She then breaks down and cries, and we cut to her outside, looking like a snail. She cries in her best Grapes of Wrath voice, “Love needs Love too!!!” and the world just laughed at her.

Love might need some hate first.

Rebecca is the first one to get a flag, followed by Megan, Kathleen, Ashley (surprise!), Kim, Missy (gotta keep the show’s two villainesses), and Christina. The final two came down to Jessica and Talor. Obviously, this is a looks versus personality contest here. Looks, as is the way of the world, wins out and Talor acts like Marla Maples at her first Donald Trump lineup when she accepts the flag.

“I get alimony for life? Thank you!”

Sadly, Jessica is truly upset and probably really liked Dom. She asks, “why?” and Dom says he simply couldn’t find a connection. Jessica tells him he’s wrong, but obviously he’s just not that into her. She’s lost all faith in men and will now probably find herself eating box. Oh well, THAT’S AMORE (sorry about that couldn’t help myself. See you next week gasmii.)