Hellcats: The 21 Year-Old Virgin

You know that when any show opens with a shot of a disco ball, something bad is about to happen. In Hellcats’ case, it’s a bad cheesy dance number set to “We Got the Beat”. The dance number, bad music and disco ball are for the spirit party that has an 80s theme this year. Gag! I know it’s wrong as a music fan, but I just can’t get behind stuff that was around before I had any motor skills. All the Cats are setting up for the party but Alice is a little too dressed up. She’s going to meet Jake later because he is being interviewed by a sports magazine and she wants to show up on his arm looking like a million bucks. Lewis gets in a dig about how the piece is just fluff so that people would forget about how dirty the football scene was but Alice could care less about that, as long as she’s looking good all is okay in the world.

Coach, just stop.

The football team is taking pictures and when they’re done, the reporter wants an interview with the star quarterback. Jake hams it up for her and even names her perfume before introducing her to Alice. He lets her know that Alice is a cheerleader and the reporter isn’t surprised that the star football guy is dating a pom-pom girl. Of course, Alice takes offense to that remark and proceeds to tell the little reporter all about how great the Hellcats are and how horrible the athletic department is because they gave all their money to the volleygirls. Bill Marshall, whom I still don’t know exactly what he does, overhears all of this and isn’t happy that Alice is pushing the Hellcats and not talking football. Needless to say, he gets extra pissed and pulls Alice away from the reporter and tells her to shut her trap. She tries to stand up for herself, but the man is big and he is mean and Jake isn’t doing anything but watching. Someone needs to grow a pair real quick.

Who needs balls with a face like this, folks.

Lewis wants to crash with Marti because…wait for it, Darwin met a GUY at some club. I knew he was a team player! Too bad he’s not even a minor character. But all that can change, and it needs to and soon. Dan is still sleeping on the floor between Mari and Savannah’s beds and Savy is shocked when Lewis joins Marti in her bed instead of making a place for himself on the floor too. This all ends up getting awkward because Savy thinks she is being judged for being a prude and she ends up giving Dan the bed and runs for the couch. Dan is sad because they won’t get to have that orgy now.

The following day, Dan and Marti talk sex and Savy. Turns out, Dan doesn’t mind waiting to have sex with Savy, but he doesn’t like how she is obsessing about it, whether it comes to not having it all or just waiting for marriage. Marti is shocked by this, but tells Dan to just be patient because she is worth the wait.

Marti and Morgan are visiting the inmate again and they’re trying to figure what’s up with his now ex homeless ex girlfriend. They’re trying to figure out how she got out from under bridges and got under an actual roof. Marti and Morgan go to see the man who sold her the house to see if anything about him is fishy. He indeed has allowed the homeless lady to live in the house rent free because he met her and thought she needed the help. When the questions start getting a little too close to home, the man brings out some U2 tickets to get them to shut up. Well sir, if you knew these two you’d know that’s not going to happen.

The middle-class dream?

Alice confronts Jake about not standing up for her and all he can do is laugh because she is angry in her panties. Alice plays the mean, hot bitch pretty well and I must say, when she’s not trying to stab Marti or Savannah in the back, I like her a lot. She pretty much tells Jake to get some balls and her pretty much tells her to stand still and look pretty next time.

Savy is going crazy and finds Marti so that she can let her know that she is ready to take the plunge. She is ready to get that ripe ole cherry popped by Mr. Dan Patch. She has the whole thing planned out too, there’s going to be a hotel and a limo and flowers and it’s all going to be perfect. Which in TV talk means that something will go horribly wrong and the whole night will be ruined and no one will get laid. Marti tells Savy to calm down and that planning something as big as your first time will blow up in her face because it’s not the type of thing you can plan. She tells her about her first time, how it was unexpected and in the back of a Buick and how it was with someone she never thought it’d be with. Well kiddies, that means it’s Dan, or Dan or maybe that guy named Dan. Marti tells Savy that if she goes to Dan with plans for sex that he won’t like it and Savy ends up getting mad after discovering that Dan and Marti talk about her and the sex stuff. Savy still thinks that Marti likes Dan and so do I home skillets!

Some Family has let Marti, Dan, Savy and Lewis into the theatre department’s costume shop to find 80s costumes for the spirit party. His payment for this deed is a Hellcats uniform and no one wants to know what he’s going to do with it. Why does everything have to be so dirty? Marti tells Savy that she is sorry and that she wants her and Dan to have a good time tonight when the party is over and they end up working things out and are friends again. Now it’s time for the obligatory and cheesy “lets dress up” montage loaded with extra cheese. I think this is the first time I’ve seen straight men involved in one of these things though.

And a little Lewis flexing never hurts anyone.

Well the party is getting started and everyone is a little too happy to be dancing to 80s music. And everyone is dressed up as well. I went to about, four Halloween parties this year and there was never a time when absolutely everyone was dressed up so I’m calling shenanigans. Savy looks like something out of Flash Dance, Dan is a vintage nerd I think, Marti is Madonna, Lewis is Michael Jackson, Alice is a sluttier Flash Dance girl and I think Jake is Indiana Jones. Alice has invited the reporter and photographer to the party tonight for an in depth interview about the Hellcats and so that the reporter could watch the girls perform.  The Cats perform and Coach, dressed as Tina Turner, is the singer for the night. This is just too much for me, I think I might get sick from all the cheese this show feeds me every week.

Coach, I’m being serious, please stop.

When they’re done, it’s time for a slow dance and Coach starts belting out that “Tempted by the Fruit of Another” song. It’s ironic because she is still in love with Red even though she’s dating Doc and Marti is dating Lewis even though she’s in love with Dan and Dan is dating Savy but loves Marti. See all of that irony, it’s enough to make your head spin! Mama is at the party too, for whatever reason, and is watching Dan and Marti dance together. She needs a hobby or something, what happened to that new manager job Mama?

Alice is doing her interview about how the Hellcats are a family and she starts crying. The Ice Queen has a heart after all. The reporter lets her know that her editor hated the football piece and that she is going to show him the cheerleading story instead and Alice is over the moon. Jake has been listening the whole time and is pretty peeved that his story is being replaced with Alice’s. She tells him that it’s not her fault and that next time he should stand up for her.

Morgan shows up to the party freaking out a little bit because his laptop was stolen and it had all the information about the inmate’s case on it. Marti doesn’t take him seriously when he says that he thinks the older guy from earlier took it because they were onto something and goes to show him that her laptop is safe and sound. Well it is for now Marti, but Cheertown is having a party and it’d be pretty easy for someone to get in there and grab it.

They all go back to the party and Mama is still being a loser, watching Marti and Lewis dance with a weird look on her face. Dan shows up and compliments her outfit and she asks him to dance. She decides that it’s a smart idea to let Dan know that Marti is in love with him and has been for a long time. She has been reading her daughter’s diary and tells Dan that she seems them getting together soon and that they are both wasting their time with Savy and Lewis. Dan doesn’t really know how to take this.

“Listen to Mama.”

Dan finds Marti and lets her know about the chat he just had with her mom. Marti is speechless when Dan asks her about all the stuff and decides to lie. Dan tells her to be honest because he is about to do something big with Savy and wants to know if there’s a reason why he shouldn’t. Marti tells him that there is no reason for him not to even though it’s painfully obvious that there is. She walks away and Alice shows up asking Dan where Savy is. He asks Alice about mistakes and regret and she tells him that she doesn’t believe in that stuff and he seems shocked that she is making sense. Make that two of us Dan. Savy shows up and is ready to get the rest of the night started and Dan hesitatingly agrees to join her in the car.

Lewis and Marti get back to her room and he is ready for a little fun since they’ll be alone. Marti of course, isn’t in the mood for sweet loving with him at all. Perhaps he should have lost the MJ wig before hitting on Madonna. She tells him she’ll be fine in the morning and doesn’t want to talk about it. Lewis leaves but is aware that something is wrong. Marti then notices that her laptop is missing and freaks out just like Morgan did earlier. When she leaves the room, some guy who’s face we don’t see comes out of the closet and makes his escape.

Yeah Lewis, not even you could make that hair work.

Savy and Dan arrive at a beautiful hotel and Savy tells Dan that she is excited that he is her first because she knows it’s right. They get to the room and it’s really, really nice and they both get even more excited. They jump onto the bed and Savy then asks Dan what his first time was like. Hmm, I wonder what he’s going to say, I’m completely in the dark here! How about you guys? He said it was in high school and that he was sixteen and then he goes into the bathroom and it turns out all his excitement was just a front. He’s a wreck and he thinks that it’s a mistake to do this with Savy. Savy continues asking about his first time and wants to know if it was romantic. He says that it kinda was, and that it was in the backseat of a BUICK! Uh oh! Savy drops her chocolates and can’t believe the mistake she was about to make! She runs from the room and after Dan notices she isn’t responding to him, he comes out and begins to run after her. This all seems pretty heavy for only the 8^th episode of this show.