The A-List: Dallas Recap: Here Go Hell Come

Howdy, Gasmii! Wow, this episode did not disappoint, did it?  We’ll get right to it but first, I want to thank everyone who left comments on last week’s recap. It was so cool to read all of them!

We open with Chase and Ashley discussing his annual summer party.  Chase wants her ideas for a theme.  From the many ideas Ashley says are in her head, she picks a “dance thing”.  Chase immediately says he doesn’t want a stupid theme, and also doesn’t want one that’s been done before.  Naturally, Ashley suggests a Footloose party, which is in no way stupid, and has never in the decades since that movie came out, ever been a party theme.  Ashley thinks it will be unexpected.  Right, with the imminent release of the remake, who would ever imagine a party with that theme?

Here is where Chase starts to fall in my estimation.  Chase, you’re gay.  You are part of a community that is the arbiter of taste and class.  Your job here is to sneer at Ashley and then make cutting comments that bring her to tears.  Instead, Chase responds with “can we do that?”  Yes, Chase you can do that, but you shouldn’t.  Your response should not be “baby I love you” and “you have two extra brains in your boobs” but a derisive snort and raised eyebrow, followed with “Oh, no girl”.

Ashley then goes on to say that she is a dancer or used to be a dancer or danced once.  And she also has the wonderful idea of a flash mob at the party.  We will later learn that Ashley has apparently heard the phrase “flash mob” but has no idea what it actually is.  At this point, I am envisioning disaster as a large group of people, arms akimbo, randomly flailing in a drunken melee.  At least that’s how the parties I used to attend back when I drank, ended up.  Good times! The reason I suspect that, is Ashley is demoing the waiters dropping their trays and breaking into dancing.  Yeah, that’ll work.

We switch to Taylor, who’s getting some manscaping because Levi doesn’t like hairy guys.  Which begs the question, why are there no bears on this show?  The doctor also suggests doing some more personal areas, and Taylor agrees.  This is laser hair removal which does sting, but the doc applies numbing cream so it shouldn’t hurt that much.  Since Taylor says he can’t feel his johnson, it appears the doc put the cream on the wrong area, because it does seem to hurt once the procedure starts.  Still not sure why it was necessary to put numbing cream on an area that the doc would not be lasering.  Taylor says the laser smells like his dad branding cattle.  Wouldn’t that smell more like a delicious steak cooking?  I have never been on a cattle ranch, can you tell?

Ashley’s back, and this time with Levi.  She wants to hear from him what is going on between Levi and Taylor.  Levi says he and Taylor dated 2 months.  Apparently they had sex in a bull chute at a rodeo once.  Thanks, Levi.  Now I can never see a rodeo again.  Levi says he thought they were committed, but at one point he looked at Taylor’s phone and saw messages that may, or may not, have indicated Taylor was fooling around.  OK, first of all Levi, what business do you have going through anyone else’s personal texts and emails?  Real show of maturity and trust there, pal.  Second, even though Taylor may have had flirty texts, that doesn’t mean he ever followed through.  You are the biggest flirt of all time, but Taylor can’t do that?  Really?  Hypocrite.  Levi shares that he will only get back with Taylor if Taylor has changed.  Wait until Taylor sees this, and see what your chances are, Mr. Snoop.

Commercial! We return to Chase, Ashley and the party planner, Donnie Brown, who looks very much like Eddie Izzard.

Donnie is a premiere party planner, for reals.  He’s so got the “look askance at Chase when he says whip the party into shape in 2 weeks” look.  Chase says Donnie has done parties for LeAnn Rimes (was that a party with no food? good way to keep costs down!), Emma Thompson and the Cowboys.  That’s range.

Chase and Ashley are both wearing yellow.  My opinion of Chase falls further.  First, matching?  Really?  And then yellow?  Oy.  Are you actually gay?

Chase specifically wants a pool at the party venue.  Donnie asks about the guest list, and Chase says it’s mostly gay folks.  Ashley doesn’t want any straight men.  They “rain on my parade” and “bug” her, which apparently consists of daring to tell her she’s pretty.  Not that pretty, dear.

Donnie says he has a muscly straight DJ, and Chase agrees to that.  Muscly straight guys = YAY.  Ashley again brings up the flashmob idea.  Donnie says he’ll schedule a food tasting.  Here’s what Chase wants:  Donnie to be creative, Ashley to “look pretty”.  Well, that’s covered then.

We now go to Levi and Phillip, who are hiking.  Phillip has thoughtfully brought beer, which they sit to enjoy.  Phillip talks about his mother, whom he sees about once a week.  Sounds good, but he can’t discuss his life with her, which is so not cool.  Phillip feels she’s in denial about his being gay.  That’s really sad. (I don’t have a joke here.  Why can’t parents just accept their kids, whether they’re gay or nerdy or whatever makes the kid unique and special?)

We switch to Chase, who’s meeting with Dallas Chore to have brunch.  Chore has brought his own liquor because the restaurant doesn’t serve any and you can’t have brunch without a drink.  Chase shares with us that he’s here to talk to Chore about his drinking.  Oh, this will go well.  I can feel it.

Because people love being told how to behave.  LOVE IT.  Chase tells Chore he doesn’t want a repeat of Dish or the rodeo, doesn’t want drama, he wants to let Chore know how the party is going to be, and he will kick Chore out if he does start something.  He says Chore always drinks too much and then sends an apology text the next day.  Chore says he feels threatened, and asks Chase if he’s giving everyone a talk.  Chase says everyone he feels needs one.  Chase then leaves.  Nice brunch.

Commercial! We’re back with Chase, Ashley and Donnie at Cassandra Catering.  Ashley thinks Cassandra is the best of the best because she has an Australian accent.  Right, because Australian  cuisine is so refined. Case in point:

Cass has food brought to the table, and Ashley stops the proceedings to pray.  Christians pray before meals, Ashley, not tiny tidbits at a tasting.  And this seems so unnecessary because right after, Ashley refuses to eat the food.  She doesn’t like fish.  She doesn’t like the next dish either.  She doesn’t want to know where her food comes from.  So maybe you would want something like this:

Chase says if Ashley is about to dry heave, he knows it’s quality, because she does not have a refined palate.  That’s putting it mildly.  Cassandra spends the entire time giving Ashley the snake eye and then says “we’re running out of dead animals”.  Got one more for ya, Cassandra.

We switch to Phillip and his therapist, Alicia.  Phillip says he hasn’t had a partner for 5 or 6 years.  He’s afraid of what his mother would say.  He’s too old to not be himself, and to be scared.  His life is on hold, and he wants wholeness.  Again, I don’t have a joke here.  I think Phillip is being really sincere, unlike:

Levi and Taylor, who are on a picnic in what appears to be dirt.  The picnic is cheese, fruit and crudite.  So it’s an appetizer picnic.  Anyhoo, Levi says he wants to dip Taylor in hot sauce.  Wouldn’t that burn Levi’s mouth?  Just asking.  Also funny you should mention “dip” because later on, Taylor will show you where he wants to dip you.  They discuss their former relationship and then Taylor says Chore has a crush on Levi.  Didn’t we go over this last week? And why are you talking about another guy when Levi has serious issues with you from last time – and you would too, if you know what he did with his super spy snooping?  Taylor suggests that if they get closer, they should keep it on the down low.  Another brilliant idea because keeping things on the down low always works.

Commercial.  We return to Ashley in a dance studio with 2 other people.  Apparently these are the nucleus of the flash mob.  Then 2 guys come in, and then 2 more people.  So the flash mob consists of 7 people? Are these the waiters?  Are they dancers? No they can’t be dancers, they can’t get the choreography that Ashley has devised.  Of course they might get it if she could clap to the beat instead of some random off-beat clapping.  This all bodes well.

We switch to Phillip and Leo, his new boyfriend, who go to a wine bar.  Leo is cute!  He dated girls until a couple of years ago.  Phillip says he dated girls in high school.  I know.  I think I dated you.  I exclusively dated and “went steady” with gay guys in high school.  Yes, I knew they were gay and thus began my illustrious career as a beard.  And to the gay community:  you’re welcome.

Back to party planning, and here are Donnie, Ashley and Chase at the venue.  It has a pool.  You’ll be so glad you specified a pool later, Chase.  As Donnie is reviewing the layout, Ashley says that her dancers need space.  Apparently more people showed up at the dance studio, because she now has 12 people.  Donnie (whom I now love with a white-hot intensity) sneers that a true flashmob would be at least half the people at the party; Chase says at least 75.  Donnie then clarifies that Ashley is not staging a flashmob but a performance.  Ashley gets all upset and tells Donnie to talk to her, not Chase (although Chase is paying for this, right? and it is his party?), asks Chase if he does want the dance, and is he thankful and appreciative. Chase says no.  He should be throwing more shade, but at least he stood up to her.  Ashley takes a “moment” and walks away.

Commercial! We return to Footloose Party Night!  Chase and Ashley arrive.  Apparently they’ve made up.  Damn.  Levi shows up, solo.  Phillip and Leo arrive.  Taylor shows up, sees other guys flirting with Levi, and then spends a lot of time pawing Levi so everyone knows he’s taken.  Subtle.

Chore shows up, wearing what looks like a gangster outfit.  He, Ashley, Taylor and Levi all sit near each other.  Chore shares that he doesn’t give a damn that Levi and Taylor are all over each other.  After a while, Chore decides the bartenders are too slow, so he gets behind the bar to pour shots.  Phillip comments acerbically that this isn’t a “booze buffet”.  You know, if someone actually set up a booze buffet they could totally make a ton of money.

Commercial! And here’s a commercial for RuPaul’s Drag Race.  I love that show, I LOVE RuPaul, she is completely amazing and inspiring, as are so many of the queens on the show.  Shout out to Raven, Morgan, Raja, Manila and Pandora.  Bow down to the master:

We return to the booze buffet.  Phillip tells Chase Chore is behind the bar, and Chase says Phillip is just trying to stir up drama.  Chore leaves the bar, because he only wanted to pour a few shots, pick up a bottle, and he’s done.  No drama there.  I used to drink.  Slow bartenders are a curse on civilization.  When you want a drink, you want it now, dammit.

Phillip is apparently deciding to just get on everyone’s nerves.  He makes some comment to Ashley, which she doesn’t appreciate.

Flashmob – excuse me, dance - time.  Chase says he loved it.  It was about what you’d expect for 12 people whose role, as I see it, is to be background for the dance brilliance of Ashley.  Did we need to see her underpants 6 times?

Back to Phillip just being a jerk.  Taylor, who’s pretty drunk at this point, is fed up with Phillip, who’s asking what a DJ hears in the microphones he wears.  Air traffic control, Phillip.  Phillip then starts dancing on his own.  Honey, it was a performance, not a flash mob.  So stop.  Please.

And, in the immortal words of Calvin Tran, Here go hell come.  Taylor tells Chore he is going to push Phillip into the pool, Chore tells him not to, and Taylor completely ignores him, pushing both Phillip and Levi into the pool. Way to score with your new BF!

Taylor says he didn’t mean to push Levi in.  Well you did, jackass.  Levi and Phillip climb out.  Levi says that “PeeWee Herman here in a bowtie just pushed me into the pool”.  He and Phillip are livid.

If Taylor did that to me, I would totally kick his ass. Chase is really angry and regrets his talk with Chore.  Funny, Chase, how that worked out.  As Chore comments, karma’s a bitch.  Taylor thinks this is just hysterically funny.

Levi and Phillip regroup and mention that their cellphones were in their pockets – so jackass not only embarrassed them, he likely ruined their phones too.  (Plus, I’m thinking, their money.  And their hair).  Phillip, followed by Levi, storms back in and punches Taylor.  YAY!  Sadly, Phillip is pulled away by security.  Taylor and Ashley flee, while Donnie and Chase tell security what Taylor looks like: “overtanned and thinks he’s cute”.  Ashley tries to get Taylor to leave, but he’s too busy slurring he will “beat their asses”.  No, you won’t.  Especially since Phillip is saying “Mark my MF-ing words.  This. Is. Not. Over!”  I have never in my life wanted to see a smackdown so badly.

And that’s where the ep ends.  I predict crying and running away on the part of Taylor, more punching and, if we’re lucky, Levi completely throwing Taylor over.  Plus more of Chore looking smug.  Booze buffet looks pretty attractive right now, doesn’t it?

Can’t wait for next week!  See you all then!