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Hi, Gasmii! Here’s the full recap of the exciting Premiere episode. Logo doesn’t have the ep online yet, so I’ve chosen a variety of exciting photos to illustrate this recap.
We open with shots of Dallas: officer buildings, oil derricks, our cast. We hear a voiceover saying that everywhere you look in Dallas there’s either a “hot cowboy” or “hot southern gentleman”. They have, we’re told, “Dallitude”. Oh good, we’ll get drama. Because you know sooner or later Dallitude will come with a smackdown. Apparently there are only about 20 gay guys in Dallas because “once you know one gay in Dallas, you know them all”. Or perhaps they all pass around the same STD? Because when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they’ve slept with. We’re then told that “appearance is everything” in Dallas. Thanks for the newsflash, because that’s so unlike every other city with a gay population. Our intro ends with the pronouncement that in Dallas, “we’re kind of a big deal”. Big is the theme du jour of this episode. Probably because of that song, Big D which spells out the name of Dallas just in case you find it hard to remember. “Big D little-a-double-l-a-s”. What is it about show tunes spelling place names? Dallas, Oklahoma – was there some old-timey requirement that every Broadway show had to include an educational component?
“And that spells Dallas, where every home’s a palace, and sailors remember your address”. That’s how my brother and I used to sing Big D when we were kids. Imagine my surprise when as an adult (ok, yesterday) I checked the lyrics and found there are no references to sailors at all, which is probably due to the fact that Dallas is landlocked. I still like our lyrics better.
And now we’re on to meet Levi. His segment starts with a woman telling him she understands he’s popular with the guys. Two seconds later, Levi’s telling us it takes a while for people to realize he’s gay, because he doesn’t conform to the stereotypes. Apparently not as long as you think, Levi. Levi was a rodeo cowboy and then had a pretty serious climbing accident that put an end to his career. Levi now works for Inchwear, a line of underwear and other clothing with the inches indicated on the front of each piece, ostensibly indicating the wearer’s measurements. Unless it also comes with an attached tape measure, there is really no way to verify that number, now is there? Doesn’t the FTC have oversight over false advertising claims? Also, Inchwear apparently comes as small as 6″. Really, Levi? Do you think any guy is going to wear that number? I guess we’ll see those in the 99 Cents Store soon . . .
Levi tells us he went “from rodeo to CFO”. OK, that’s pretty catchy. And then he shares his words of wisdom: a good —k can open doors. I know! When I was your age, it worked for me too, and quite well. Good times! Enjoy them while they last, because they won’t. And you’ll be bitter and cry and wonder where life went and fear death and – oh sorry, back to the show. Levi says his cowboy hat, which he wears pretty much all the time, is a draw. And yes, he is asked to wear it in bed, or sometimes “just has it on” and leaves it there. Why do I suspect he whips it off at the critical moment and yells “yee hah”? I also suspect he likes to say “come on little doggy” to his partner. Just a hunch.
Now let’s meet Taylor. He’s the Christian (Southern Baptist) Republican who owns a fundraising consulting business working for campaigns. His ideal candidate would have the “strength and integrity to vote for gay marriage”. Great, but then why are you a Republican? You have read their party platform, right? Have heard the debates? Know about Bachman’s husband? Taylor got into politics after meeting George W. Bush, who told Taylor he saw Taylor being governor one day. George W. Bush, the guy who thought Putin was a good guy because he looked into his eyes and saw Putin’s (nonexistent) soul. Dubya’s no Psychic Hotline, Taylor. Taylor says being a Christian is very important to him. He feels homosexuality is just not that important to God. Gotta agree with you there, Taylor. Now just get over GWB and we can be besties.
On to James, a self-described “party boy”. And right here, I want to thank Derek, who left a comment on my Minicap saying James reminds him of Josh, a/k/a Jersey Chore in Project Runway, and has therefore dubbed James Dallas Chore. Derek, I’m totally running with that! Dallas Chore is not only like Jersey Chore, he’s also like a guy I know – and really, I think we all know a guy like this – who is completely id-driven, extremely volatile, LOOOOOVES or HATES!, has all sorts of feuds that are only in his mind – yeah, that guy. Dallas Chore is a trust fund baby, so he has a ton of time and money to drink and “party” and, he confides, drinks “a lot” because life looks different when he drinks. How can he tell the difference, since he’s apparently always drinking?
We then turn to Ashley, the token hag of the cast. (I say that with love, being the token hag of my group of friends). She loves her gays, thinks everyone needs a gay in their life, and has “a lot of them”. OK we get it – you’re the Kathy Griffin of your circle. Ashley is cooking with Taylor and asks if she should wash the asparagus with soap. Really? You have to be putting us on, right? Ashley and Taylor come from the same small town. She is also Southern Baptist and thinks religion divides people, but faith brings people together. Not entirely sure what that means, but Ashley doesn’t explain, going on to state she has a “credit card for life” and one “for shopping”. Which begs the question, what else is there to life apart from shopping? Ashley loves bright colors and thinks everyone should “embrace the rainbow”. Word of advice, Ashley. If you’re thinking of switching careers, stay away from nun. And mortician. Ashley is a wedding photographer/videographer. She’s married, and can’t have straight men as friends because straight men are “animals”. Including your husband? Hmmm?
Taylor says he’s going to host a party. He reveals he dated Levi about 18 months ago and there are loose ends. Good news, Taylor! With Levi’s new underwear, if you hook up again you’ll now know exactly how endowed he is, down to the inch!
Commercial. We return to meet Phillip. He’s a personal stylist to the elite of Dallas. One of the items he’s holding is a hot pink top with black polka dots, topped with a black and white braided collar. Oh, you’re a stylist to Dallas’ BLIND elite. He loves the word “faboo”. Hey, Phillip. The 1980s called and they want their hackneyed, overworked word back. Phillip tells us everything is bigger in Dallas: big hair, big jewelry, big johnsons. (Drinking game: Big #3, 4 and 5) Phillip declares he wants to be seen and heard at all times and will make himself the center of attention. Faboo.
Finally, we meet Chase. He’s a real estate financier and deal maker. It’s all very complicated and a lot of math, he says. Well, I didn’t go to the fancy college you did, but let me give it a try. You arrange for someone who wants to buy property to meet up with another person, and they each put money down, and then when the property is leased or sold, they both get a share of the profits. See, it’s not complicated. I did it all without fractions. Chase has a town home and is looking to decorate it with some pretty awful furniture. People envy his life, he says, because of his hair. As we’ll see later, “envy” is not the response most people have to Chase’s hair.
Ashley gets together with Dallas Chore in a restaurant. We can hear others’ voices, but can’t see them. There is a white wall behind Ashley and Chore that looks like production put it there to block out the rest of the room. It’s like shadow puppets behind there. Hellooo! We can see you! Come into the light! Dallas Chore is going to the rodeo with Phillip, who was invited by Levi, but Levi doesn’t know that Chore is coming. Why is this an issue? Because Chore and Levi were once an item, about 5 years ago. Levi! You slut!
Commercial. We return to Phillip buying what he thinks are cowboy clothes, accompanied by Levi. They are the sort of clothes a city slicker would wear in a sitcom about the south. Phillip tells Levi he invited Dallas Chore to the rodeo, and that he had told Phillip that he and Levi were once a “big grand old couple”. Levi informs Phillip that they didn’t date, didn’t have sex, and that Chore seems to have imagined the relationship. So he’s delusional too?
Pretty much everyone shows up at a VIP box at the rodeo. From the shots into the arena, it looks like they are the only people there, since the stands are entirely empty. So they came for the rehearsal? Here’s the unbelievable part. With the exception of Levi, all of these people, who grew up IN TEXAS, claim to have never seen a rodeo and don’t know anything about rodeos. I grew up in Philadelphia and I know about rodeos! This has to be a put-on just like the asparagus washing. Because if it’s not, it’s just sad.
Phillip takes the initiative to tell Dallas Chore that Levi says they never had sex or a relationship. Not faboo, Phillip. Chore, as usual not sober, confronts Levi and says he’s lying about their never having sex. They argue about what contact they did have. Levi sums it up with “we had nothing”. Dallas Chore, always the calm and restrained individual, says he has to leave before he breaks a beer bottle in Levi’s face.
Commercial, and we return to Taylor and Dallas Chore having drinks, this time in a bar that doesn’t have a weird fake wall. Chore tells Taylor about the argument at the rodeo, and Taylor stupidly responds by sharing that he and Levi formerly dated. Chore is predictably less than thrilled with this news, and warns Taylor to be careful around Levi. He wants Levi to “shut up and grow up”. Really? Levi should grow up? As Taylor sagely says, with Dallas Chore “all you are is drama”. So by this point Chore’s anti-Levi fire is thoroughly stoked.
And now we come to Taylor’s party, which is being held at Dish. Ashley and Chase are getting ready. Ashley is spraying her hair with enough hairspray to stock a salon for a month. What ozone layer? Didn’t that hole close up? GWB says there’s no global warming, y’all! Everyone shows up at the party. Phillip laughs that Chase’s hair looks like a dead animal. Phillip may be a total bitch, but he’s pretty damned funny sometimes. And speaking of bitchiness, Phillip takes the opportunity to get Dallas Chore all worked up before Levi even shows up. This is followed by Levi and Chore glaring at each other at the bar, while in voiceovers we hear that they each think the other should be the better man. WhatEVER.
Commercial. Levi shares that he’s really hot for Taylor. Well, Levi, as far as we can tell you’re pretty much hot for anything with 2 legs and a pulse. Just to make things worse, they all decide to sit at the same table. Phillip takes over asking Levi and Chore leading questions just like, to quote Chase, a “black bitchy Connie Chung”. Again, Phillip, NOT faboo. Chase then does a very funny impression of Phillip. I now love Chase despite his bad hair and questionable math skills. Also, Chase was the only guy to say “howdy” which, ’cause this is in Dallas, I want to hear!
Dallas Chore seems to decide it’s best to just end the whole matter, and pronounces to the table that he lied about the whole relationship/sex. Sad face. Away from the table, Chore tells Ashley he said what he did to get Levi off his ass, and Chore is the “bigger” man (Drinking Game: Big #5. Or 6. I’ve lost count) and has “won”. Apparently every interaction has to result in someone winning. Chore, you might want to meet Charlie Sheen. He’s into winning too. And sex.
Chase tries to talk to Chore, and Chore threatens to hit him. So in less than an hour, Dallas Chore has threatened to hit 2 guys, one of whom he has no beef with. Again, we hear that someone has to win. Now Chore says Levi won. More sad face. Taylor isn’t happy about the contretemps, but mostly because it might interfere with him getting together with Levi.
Commercial, and we’re back for the final scenes. Ashley and Taylor are sitting on the grass reading the Bible after church. Taylor says Levi called him the day after Dish and wants to have dinner. Taylor wants to pray about that ’cause he and Ashley are prayer partners. Ashley wants to pray about travelling for her work. I want to pray that Dallas Chore is gone by next week. And then they pray. I am praying too: God, please let me get through this season by killing Dallas Chore, or at least striking him mute. Or sober. Also please tell Phillip to STFU. Luv ya. Amen.
Finally, we see Levi and Taylor on their date. They have a polite disagreement about sea bass, in which Taylor brings up GWB again. Taylor, Levi does not find references to Dubya a turrnon! In fact, no one does. Especially not Laura. Levi wants to take it slower than last time, and Taylor agrees. That said, you know as well as I do there will be no moving slowly. By next week they’ll probably be living together (again).
Can’t wait for next week! See you all then!