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When we start, Rodiney and Mike, who basically have no idea what’s even gone on this season due to a language barrier and an actual JOB, respectively, look psyched to be here. Reichen knows that half the show will be devoted to his (allegedly) tiny peen, so he looks pissed.
Derek looks pissed off already. He must wake up in the morning with that pissy ass face. Honey, be sure when you go to get your weekly botox dose that you are smiling. Otherwise you’re stuck looking like an old lady who just got rear ended in the Costco parking lot.
Dang kids and their driving!
Wendy Williams is hosting this mess, and all I see are nostrils.
The next thing I see are giant plastic (? please tell me those are plastic) diamonds, which are almost big enough to fit into those nostrils.
Wendy unhooks the rope and ushers us into the A List. LOL. So cheesy. But we all make as much as most of these fools, so it makes sense that we’d be invited. I think they’re going for an Oscars look here, but it’s more like the three dollar movie theater. Which is more fun anyway. No, you can’t see Sandra Bullock messing around with Tom Hanks, but you occasionally get to see an old guy play with his dinky. Let’s do this!
Wendy asks Fat Model Austin how it feels to have clothes on. HAHA. He says someone on the plane begged him to keep his clothes on for the flight. Don’t feel bad. I get the same thing when I fly. And I’m never naked. Even in the shower I wear boxer briefs. I feel semi confident and I don’t ever have to launder them. Austin and Derek are still besties, and Ryan is still trying to be Carol Channing with his fake lashes and shit.
Mike is sitting the closest to the exit. HAHA. Well, what the hell else is she supposed to mention about Mike? Teenage suicide?
Mike, why you make that face? Ok next question shhhhhhh it’s not to you.
Wendy finishes off her opening hellos by telling Reichen she can understand why he puts up with Rodiney. “He has…quite the package.” HAHAHAH. Rodiney? Looks totally confused as always.
I deeden sign for notheen.
To assure us that we’re in for an hour of pure delusion and cheese, Wendingo brings up Reichen’s song. He blahs about how it’s still gonna be released at some point and it’s for such a good cause! Silence. You can literally hear the lights humming as the queens bite their tongues. Our first video package is about how Fat Model came to NY and got naked and acted like a damn fool for the whole season. Then is the shocker that he’s “engaged”. Then starting fights with everyone on the show. Then getting wasted and then breaking down and then jumping Rodiny. Wendy asks Fat Model if he’s troubled. Duh. He says that he’s young (um is he? Cuz he looks like he’s in his forties, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Wait. There so is. I DON’T WANNA DIIIIEEEE!) and he’s learning and the important thing is that he takes responsibility for his actions. When did he EVER take responsibility for his actions? WHEN?
Reichen jumps on that, saying Fat Model just repeats his bad moves over and over again. Says the guy in his like tenth codependent relationship in a row. Reich says when he was 22 he didn’t cause trouble for people and compulsively lie. Austin yells that he never once lied. HAHAHAHAH. Way to take responsibility. Let’s start with the most obvious lie. There is no way he’s 22. Cigarettes and booze age you, but good lord. By decades? I just spent fifteen minutes googling him to find out. I seriously need to get out of this apartment more often, cuz that’s just sad. All I found was his myspace profile, which is never even commented on. That’s TRAGIC. What’s the point of being famous if no one comments on your myspace? Wait. Who’s even still on myspace? Old people who haven’t deleted their accounts. Point proven! Thank you. (bows)
Ryan says that Fatty won’t change, but he’ll get more palatable if they give him a chance. Austin babbles again about how he owns up to everything while at the same time denying everything. Does he have a drinking problem? Well he’s a drunk but he has no problem drinking. Why was his engagement a secret? He didn’t want his relationship to be abused on TV. Then why did he flirt with and try to bang Reichen? He didn’t! He was just being nice and any idea Wendy got about him being attracted to Reichen is in her own head. LOL. She calls bs on that and asks how her fiance felt about being disrespected on TV. Fat Model says that the poor guy trusts him cuz after all, “there’s no reason for me not to be trusted.” Beat. Wendy: “WHAAAT?!??” Wendy Williams needs to moderate the Presidential debates. We might have a chance of electing someone not completely full of shit at some point during my lifetime.
Let’s talk about your record as Governor. We looked it up and it turns out you were never Governor of anything. Please explain.
I had a British butler at Marc Jacobs’ house who used to say “Mornin’, govnah!” SEE I DIDN’T LIEEEEE!
Rodiney, with his masterful skill at butchery of the English language shiny as ever, says “I tink cuz hees boyfriend deedent know who ees Austan yed.” Wendy can’t see the subtitles, so she has no idea what he said. Ryan looks like he’s having a blast.
Wendy asks why Austin hates Rod so much. Is he jealous? Well, you see, Wen, when Austin was 17 years old, he was sponging off his rich friends and taking age pills and stuff, but 28? That’s way too old to be a user! Um, what is it Austin does again to make money? Right. NOTHING. That said, I totally agree that Rod needs a damn job. He goes on about how Rod is a loser and has nothing. Wendy snaps “he has Reichen.” Austin: “Pshaw. AND?” Wendy deadpans to us: “Oh.” HAHAHAHAHAH. I love this bitch.
Rod says “you done know!” He’s worked! He has a calendar that made ten thousand bucks! Ha. Austin starts gravel yelling about Rod being a user and a loser and everyone looks at him uncomfortably. Reichen whines “Austin, give him some creeeedit!” I think the words you’re looking for are shut up Reichen. Tell him to SHUT. UP. Stop seeking approval from this trash. The segment ends with Austin screaming that Rod is stealing from Reichen. LOL. If anyone was robbed here, Fat Model, it was you. Call a lawyer, sue Marc Jacobs, and see if you can get your youth back.
Do Rod and Reich have an open relationship? Kinda…they can make out with other dudes and have threesomes. Is that normal in a gay relationship? A resounding NO from the rest of the panel. Austin starts gravel yelling again about how “tragic” it is that six months into their time together they had to bring in help. Wasn’t this fool just dropped last year for fucking around on Marc Jacobs in his own house? What the fuck is he even talking about? And why is Derek responding? He can’t even get into a twosome. He has to get his hand drunk just to jerk him off.
I don’t know that it’s “normal” for a gay couple to have threesomes, but I know for a fact that it’s not abnormal. There are all sorts of little rules in a gay relationship that differentiate it from a “normal” relationship. I dated a guy once who, when I was standing in his driveway sobbing and holding a brick over my head to put through his windshield, shouted “IT WAS JUST GYM SEX!” I’m NOT kidding. His logic? “It was after a shower and a steambath, so it was totally clean.” Did you guys know that HIV is resistant to gym soap? Me neither. Asshat. The point is, it was totally normal for this guy and he insisted that if I was going to be a well adjusted gay I had to accept that gay relationships had different rules. Fucking up his car was one of my proudest moments. Point is, how is any of this Austin or Derek’s fucking business?
Reich says that they don’t have sexual trouble, they just like to “experience life” together. Um, go to the theater or something. There’s a lot of life out there that doesn’t involve double plowing a Brazilian dude. Reich insists that gays have different rules, and it’s hard to argue with him on that. Except to say to any man reading this that might date me in the future: “Not in MY house, mothatrucka!” Rod says eet ees deeferend becouze een raygular relashionjheep, peepholes gayed married and ztay dogayther begauze day hayve to. I don’t know what his point is with that one, but he knows about divorce, right? Also, he’s kinda telling Reichen on national TV that he only has to commit as long as he feels like it. The last time I heard that was years ago in an interview with Jennifer Aniston, who said that she only wanted to be with Brad as long as they both agreed it was fun. And now look at her. What relationship is always fun? My mom and dad may hate each other half the time, but they have someone to play canasta with every night and listen to them drone on about the same bs over and over again that no one else will listen to. Sick? Kinda, but that’s love. Isn’t it? I have no idea. I didn’t expect this reunion to force me back into therapy.
Video package of Rod and Reich whining, crying, making out, making war, making up, blah. Intercut with Derek and Fat Model screeching about how it’s not a good relationship. Well, where do they stand now? Rod starts by addressing the whole text message war. He was just mad because he read that Reichen was talking about him instead of coming directly to him. LOL, Rodiney. That’s all Rod did the entire season was talk shit about his relationship to anyone with ears and google translate open on their cell.
Reich says that he didn’t cheat, but he did talk about his relationship. In the end, though, it brought up issues that they talked about. What does Fat Model think? If we could see a snapshot of his brain, you know it would be this:
Austin starts gravel yelling again about how their relationship sucks while Derek swallows the only love he’s ever gonna get.
Fat Model goes on an on and then says it will be interesting to see what happens to them now that Rodiney is making his own money. Wendy jumps on that and says he’s so right about that one. Dang, girl! There’s being the devil’s advocate and then there’s being the devil’s cheerleading squad. Rodiney says it proves that he’s with Reich for love. Congrats on that ten thousand dollars you made. That would last you about a month on your own in NY. But anyway. Why would he break up with Reich? He’s huge, he’s dumb, he works, and Rod can still fuck anyone he wants to. The only one unhappy here is Fat Model. Which is delicious.
Derek says that he wasn’t friends with Rodiney at first and he doesn’t know why…maybe the language barrier? HA. Or maybe because you’re a raging c word to everyone until you deem them worthy of gracing them with your attempt at manners. Derek? Is a horrible, horrible human being. There has been a lot of controversy within the gay community about this show because it makes all gays look terrible. I disagree with that. I’m more of a “we’re here, we’re queer, get the fuck over it” kind of a guy, but Derek is the stereotype that I think makes people hate us. He’s insecure, shallow, mean, vapid, cruel, and orange. I don’t think that’s cuz he’s gay, though. I think it’s just cuz he’s a terrible person. He would be the same if he were straight. Just with less esses and faux tan juice. And yipping. HATE.
Fat Model rolls his fat lids when Derek claims to like Rod now and says that he can’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with that trash. Ryan points out that that’s what everyone says to him about Fat Model. HAHA. Wendy agrees, saying she thought Austin would be horrible but now she loves him. Well that makes sense. Does a company that makes its money cleaning up train wreckage hate cars that stall out on the tracks? No. They love them. Otherwise they wouldn’t have fancy plastic giant diamonds to wear on Logo. I was going somewhere with that…
Anyway, Wendy says that her perceptions changed as the season went on. She used to like Rodiney and thought Reichen was a bully but now….”I just want you to go someplace.” HA! She thinks they should break up. HAHAHAHA. WTF? I think you should call NeNe and get the number of Dr. Whiteman so you can get your nostrils done. Opinions are like arms. Everyone’s got em, but only some of them are right.
Just go with it.
Wendy goes on about how cute Rod is, but cute doesn’t pay the bills. My ass it doesn’t. Rod smiles graciously and says that he came to this country to be idipident. Which is my new favorite word. Wen asks Fat Model what his job is. He doesn’t have one. SHOCKER. His dad’s an accountant, so whatever money he made….Rod jumps in and says that Austin has a sugar daddy to pay his bills. I think he meant that his dad is obviously giving him money because where else would it be coming from? Unfortunately, English technicalities ruined another perfectly good argument. I want Rod to learn English just so he can tell this Fat whore off properly.
Fat Model gets all defensive, of course, calling Rod retarded and saying his sugar daddy is sitting right there and he’s a prostitute. “SAY IT! SAY IT!” Shut up, Fat Model. Reich whines that Rod has made more money in the past four months than Fat Model has in the past five years. LOL. Fat Model can’t argue with that, of course, so he calls Rod “a retard. Even in Portuguese.” We all know Austin’s an idiot and will never have a job, so let’s just move on. He’s making me think about investing into hypnotism so I can start liking vaginas. He might make me insane, but my mother would LOVE HIM.
Wendy asks Derek what she thinks of the relationship, and he says that Rod and Reich are faking it and are liars. Then everyone yells. Wendy tells Rod to stop being defensive and changing the rules on what cheating is just to make it all seem ok. Rod says that true friends don’t act like this and Wendy reminds us all that they’re not true friends. They’re a pack of queens paid a stick of gum a week to be on some cheap ass Logo show. Reichen, with the first bit of sense I’ve heard from him I think ever, says that they have divulged everything to them and got over their problems so please just be supportive and get over it and stop bringing up the past. Derek won’t let you paint a bad picture of him! He didn’t. But whoever put that eight pounds of makeup on your face sure as hell did.
Then Derek gets agigayted and says that they went to Atlantic City and Reichen asked him to get some porn star’s number to have dinner with. HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Reichen admits to being attracted to the guy and shrugs it off, saying Rod doesn’t care. Wendy snaps “is dinner cheating?” L. O. L to this show. Derek gets all pissed and leaves set with Ryan to go smoke. That wasn’t even about Derek. He’s such a dumbass. He comes back in time to watch the video package about what an asshole he is, though. Of course, he doesn’t get mad at this, because he thinks this is all very flattering. But talk about a relationship he’s not in? Them’s fightin words! The clips about him all put together are more disgusting than I even remembered.
Viewer question: Is Derek jealous of Fat Model? He’s jealous that Austin is 22 and came back to NY and made a splash, but anything else in his life? No. Um…that’s all he has in his life. And you’re jealous of him looking like a dick on national TV? Don’t be. You’re at least even with him on that one. Wendy says that Austin has a charm. I can’t even address that right now. I just. Don’t. Know. What to say. Well, done, Wendy. That’s rare.
And how are things going with Retail Roberto? HA Wendy. She gets on my nerves, but then I’m right back on her team. Derek smiles curtly and answers that things are great. He just sent Retail a text the other day that said “please don’t contact me any more.” Derek’s satan, but he’s funny. Especially cuz you know Roberto hasn’t picked up his phone since Derek tried to introduce him to Teen Mom on the second date.
Derek has said he wants an old rich guy. How’s that going? Still single. Duh. Even old guys have ears. Wendy turns to Mike and asks “What are you even DOING here?” HAHAHAH!! He says that it was his responsibility to show people that older gay men are still allowed to walk amongst the community. Clips of him being funny, well adjusted, and sweet. He tells Wen that he used to have body issues so he’s glad to be well adjusted and gorgeous now. Then he drones on with some boring stuff. Which of the five would he bone? He answers that he would bone Wendy.
Austin would bang Rodiney cuz he’s hot and has a big one but he still hates him. HA. Clips of Ryan being the mother hen of the group. Why did he apologize to Fat Model over the whole drink in the face fight? Cuz he wants to be a good example. Does his hubby get jealous about him spending so much time with TJ? EW NO! “He’s like the gay little brother I never wanted.” HA. Then he says “two bottoms don’t make a top!” LOL! So. True. Now let’s bring out TJ! YAY! Derek can feel butch for awhile.
Clips of the Teej. He’s funny, cute, annoying, screechy, horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Wendy asks about him having a crush on Reichen. He loves his power and thinks he would be better suited to him than Rod.
I hayde soods.
Was he instrumental in Ryan’s marriage? Nope, but he talked about it a lot. They talk about true love and cry and stuff. How come TJ doesn’t trust Austin? Cuz he’s a liar. Name one lie!! The relationship with Reichen. Fat Model tries to talk his way out of that one, but Teej won’t let him. The ONLY one who will call him out with details. Wendy asks if Fat Model and Austin have made out. Yes. Have they had oral? NO. HAHAHAH. Teej calls Austin out on saying that he had been “together” with Reich while he was with Rod. Then clips! Fat Model telling us how he’s spent a weekend with Reich in Palm Springs, telling us Reich would be happier with him than with Rodrod, then trying his best to get in his pants. It’s cringey to watch.
When the clip is over, Fat Model is squirming his fat ass out of this the only way he knows how: FAKE CRYING! YAAAAY!!!
He’s sorry….that anyone would think he’s a liar. There’s that taking responsibility thing again! He thinks he always tells the truth! Everyone’s silent and awkward. Wendy asks why he’s crying over Reichen and if he wants to be with him. Rod? Calls it.
Wendy agrees and says “everyone cries differently, but I don’t see any water.” WENDY FOR PREZ. Reich whines that he wishes the boys could just get along. If you really loved your man and some screechy little queen was trying this hard to break you up, ON TV no less, you’d squash the friendship and stand up for your man. But you’re a pussy who’s trying to bang porn stars instead. Not buying it. Wendy asks Fat Model why Reichen’s relationship makes him so angry if he’s not into him. Cuz he cares about him. Ugh. Mike finally speaks and tells Fat Model that it’s not his relationship and it’s bizarre that he’s so angry about it.
Derek, justifying his own busy body-ness, jumps in and says that Rodney and Reichen made the whole summer about their crappy relationship, thus opening it up to being everyone’s business cuz they had to listen to them. You know what I tell my friends who want to call me for hours on end about their crappy boyfriends? “I love you, but I don’t want to talk about this any more. You don’t listen to me anyway and it’s not really worth my time. Just because you settled doesn’t mean I have to. Air hugs.” THE END. I don’t throw drinks in their bf’s face and yell at him in gravel voice.
Wendy says the relationship sucked the air out of watching. HA. She’s amazing. Fat Model starts up again about how shitty their relationship is and blaaaah. Ryan (and America,) yawns. Thankfully, Wendy has a trick up her sleeve. Literally. It’s Fat Model’s fiance!! I don’t know his name and I don’t wanna rewind so let’s call him Ringo. They have an announcement! They got MARRIED! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Wendy claps for awhile, but she’s the only one. She points that out so everyone else claps halfheartedly. Fat Model tries to cry again and says that he’s never been disfaithful. Oh lord. I don’t know what Ringo’s saying, but it’s gotta be in better English than that. Rayn and Derek support the marriage, and Reichen does too. No one bothers asking Mike or Rod. Austin says that he still doesn’t wanna make up with Rod cuz he wants to be happy like Ryan. Does that make sense to anyone? Reich tries to get the last word with some advice to the new couple and says “don’t do what I do. It doesn’t always work.” No shit, Reichen. You’re lucky Rodiney didn’t understand that or you’d get an earful of mouthful on your way back home.
So that’s it! Fat Model’s still a faker, a fat bitch and a liar, Derek’s still an embarrassing queen, Mike’s still hot, Rod and Reich are still boring, Ryan’s still sweet, and TJ’s still holding out for a season regular offer. Derek, it’s time to go and you can’t take the glass.
You can’t marry a fat model and then be surprised when your buttons start popping off.
I only got to recap the last two episodes of this, but I will be back next season! Thanks for reading! xo