The A-List: Fluffers and Restraining Orders

Hey hey, Gasmii.  TheMiki here, taking a break from mocking the dreams of mediocre song- crafters to mock some delusional “A-List”ers.  Honestly, I have no idea what this show is.  I’ve never even heard of it.  All I know is that I got an email from Flipit telling me he needed a recap in a hurry, and when Flipit emails me in urgent need then I have no choice but to occasionally actually respond to him because I have nothing better to do.  That’s right, Flipit.  No need to worry.  In your hour of darkness I’ll be somewhere sort of nearby, and if there’s nothing else going on I might meander over with a match or something.  I’m loyal like that.

I’m trying my best to piece together what the point of this show is, but the best I can figure we are following a group of unlikable over-entitled rich kids with no discernable skills or personalities.  We open to two very gay guys at an outdoor cafe. Derrek, the super catty flamey gay boy is telling Austin, the slightly less gay boy, that he’s not skinny enough to be on the cover of Playgirl.  Austin says he’s going to do it anyway so that he can represent for all those homos out there who don’t have ripped abs and perfect bodies.  Yeah, taking a stand for an entire group of people really is much easier than going to the gym four times a week.  Well played, sir.

Derek has chosen to take a stand for early male pattern baldness

They’re also discussing some girl named Ny-somthing, whom Derrek informs us is a “broke. down. ho.”  Thanks, Derrek.  You’re insights are ever so appreciated.

Clearly not a hooker stranded on the side of the road with car trouble…

Oh hey, speaking of the broke down ho, let’s see who she is and what she’s up to.  She’s with yet another incredibly gay boy named Ryan.  Ryan did not get the memo that gays stopped going platinum blonde back in 1999.

Bleach. Stop using it.

Ny-something is taking a tour of Ryan’s house and telling us how much she likes his energy because, “He can hang.”  His moose-knuckle would suggest otherwise.

There is NO hanging going on here.

Ryan tells Nyan Cat that they’re similar in that they don’t take shit from anyone.  Uh-oh.  Saying you don’t take shit from anyone is like saying you, “Keep it real.”  It means you’re a dick with no manners that relishes in pointing out the flaws of others, but has a weave-ripping meltdown if anyone says anything less than complimentary to you.  So far we’ve met more four people and I like zero of them.

They’re starting to make me miss this guy

We get some flashbacks of Nyan Cat keeping it real all up in some dudes face screaming “You don’t touch a woman!!!”  I’m guessing some gay boy got in a slap fight with her…?  Cause usually gay boys know that they don’t touch women and don’t need to be informed of it by scary chicks doing zorro snaps. She fills Ryan in that Austin, our portly potential playmate,  thinks he didn’t really hit her, and also Austin hit some dude named Rodney, who is upset about it.

You’re gay fat and no one likes you

Oh hey, apeaking of Austin, he’s headed to the gym with some dude.  The dude would be his husband Jake who has an adorable accent.  Austin tells us how nice his own ass is.  Seriously, did someone pitch this show to Logo as, “You know all those horrible negative stereotypes that people have about gay guys?  Well we’ve found each one personified and we’d like to follow them around with cameras.”  Thanks, Logo, for making shows with such deplorable homos that I start to dislike gay people after watching them.

The spaghetti strap cami might not be the best choice for weight training…

Back over with Ryan and Nyan Cat, they’re auditioning dancers for her new music video.  So I guess there will be a follow-up to the kitty pooping a rainbow thing.  Nyan Cat “Keeps it real” by screaming, “Thank you number five!  Thank YOU!”  Really bitchy like so that number five knows that she’s the scum of the earth and doesn’t deserve to so much as dance near her at a shitty club.  Even Ryan says that he would hate to work for her and that number five is lucky.

Did you have to make her leave through the window?

Nyan Cat manages to choose two girls, who I’m sure are used to bitchy whore divas because they’re back-up dancers for shit’s sake.

One time Beyonce lit me on fire because my shadow touched her designated spotlight area

So over in some field of cherry-trees, a guy name Reichen is meeting up with Austin to discuss the fight that they had.  They’re also discussing Austin’s marriage, and Reichen very creepily asks him if they’re “fully monogamous”   Austin says yes, but he says it really slow.

Apparently Austin is an out of control bitchy cunt-rag when he drinks.  Reichen pulls out his iPhone and plays a drunken voicemail that Austin left him in which he accuses Reichen of playing with his tiny penis in front of a webcam and dating a prostitute.  And then they hug.  Yeah… I don’t know.  I guess they used to date and now they’re friends, and while I have exes that are my friends, I know they don’t call me while they’re drunk and insult my genitals while calling my girlfriend a whore.

Sadly the iPhone breathalyzer app is still only a dream…

Back over to Ryan, he’s shopping with a guy named Mike and talking about how he and his partner are trying to work out a surrogate so they can have a baby.  I guess it’s hard and complicated.  But that’s not what’s important because Ryan is feeling insecure about how gay he is because people are telling him to tone it down a little.  Mike says that’s crazy and he should be even gayer.  Ryan is worried because TV producers are telling him his style is too flamboyant.  Umm… Who the fuck are these people???  Why are they on TV and talking to producers?  Anyone?  I know I could use Google to find out, but I’m already recapping this show last minute and I refuse to do any extra research.  That’s just crazy talk.

Are we male models? Heiresses? Struggling music moguls???  What the eff is this show about????

Oh goddammit, Flipit!  First you make me watch these horrible gays, and then while I’m trying to check my Facebook during the commercials I get hit with THIS!

Fucking Sarah McLachlan sad animal commercials.  I already have two dogs.  I can’t rescue the sad little puppies in the commercials or my roommate will beat me with a hose.

We rejoin Ryan at a salon doing someone’s hair, and he seems to be having problems with his assistant TJ.  Drama!  Ryan bitchily tells him to go smoke his cigarette, and then talks a bunch of shit about him to a stylist whose client he screwed up an appointment for.

Was I supposed to be finding Waldo?  Cause this book just has a bunch of words and stuff in it…

We hop over to Derek and Reichen, and they’re hanging out at the pool.

Does anyone find this attractive?  I’m seriously curious, because the only desire I’m feeling is the desire to beat him up and take his lunch money.

Reichen is saying that Rodney (who we haven’t seen yet) wants to get a restraining order against Austin.  Derek seems to not like Rodney, but Rodney wants the whole gang to gather so he can make his announcement about filing for a restraining order.  Oh, and Nyan-Cat will be there, and we know how Derek feels about that broke down ho.

I’m sorry, I found a jet and completely stopped listening to you

Speaking of Austin, he’s meeting up with a dude that works for Playgirl and telling him that he loves nudity.  They talk about the shoot being full frontal, and that he’ll have to be “aroused” when they shoot.  Austin seems concerned, but I would think that if I were a dude and I was gonna show my wang to a national audience, I would want it to be full-size.  Am I wrong here?  I know nothing about penises except they’re weird and I don’t like them.

Yeah, nothing sexier than a hot guy chewing on his own shirt.

Anyway, the Playgirl dude sends Austin in for a test shoot/striptease.  They compliment his ass for him, which we have to take their word on because his ass looks like a big ol’ mosaic to all of us.  And with that it’s time for the full nudity.  Austin stands around naked and limp, and then editor guy tells him to get himself erect for the shots, which makes Austin uncomfortable.

Aaaaaand, that’s what she said

He hides behind the drop screen and does things that we fortunately don’t get to see any of it because this show is on Logo and not Skinimax.

After several minutes of him awkwardly trying to get things happening on himself, some assistant guy named Glen runs back and gives him a little fluffing.  Ha!  I’m sure his hubby will be all sorts of stoked to hear about the little dude in the lilac shirt touching his junk.

Yoohoo!  Can I help you with your penis?

I kinda want to know what’s happening here, but not as badly as I want to NOT know…

After the shoot Austin gets told he’s got a great face and a great dick and a great ass, but they’ll need him to work out a little bit.  And there’s that “Gay men are shallow” stereotype, in case of you missed it during the last half hour of this train-wreck.

He’s a douchebag and an ass-clown and a piece of shit, but he is so not fat

Oh hey, it’s finally time to meet Rodiney.  Yeah, there’s an erroneous ‘I’ in his name apparently.  Also, English is not his first language and he tells us that he wants everyone to know that “Austin is dangers.”  I loves me some broken English!

Oh no… Here go Hell come

Nyan-cat is there, and her and Derek do a little passive aggressive bitching back and forth, but don’t actually throw down.  Rodiney tells the whole crew that he wants a restraining order, and the crew seems taken aback.  They mostly seem to not like Austin at all, but I don’t think anyone wants to get the law involved.  Rodiney says that he works with his face and Austin messed up his face.  Everyone talks about scary run-ins with Austin, and the general consensus is that Austin is a bad bad dude when he’s drunk and no one likes him but Derek.  After some conversing Rodiney decides “not to do the order of protects now” but lets everyone know he doesn’t like Austin and doesn’t trust him.  Noted.  Clearly Austin is not a popular fellow.

Over at Casa de Ryan, TJ the assistant (who is also Ryan’s best friend) is over for coffee.  It seems tense and awkward, and Ryan only gets so far as to say, “When’s the last time we just hung out as friends?” before TJ realizes he’s getting fired.  TJ cries a lot, but takes it well.  So far TJ is the only likable dude on this show, despite the excessive weeping.  Ryan offers him a glowing recommendation and tells him that he’s happy to give him any sort of financial help he needs until he finds a new job, but he has to let him go in order to save their friendship.  And then they hug and go get a pedicure.  Aw.  A whole scene in which I had no desire to punch anyone.

Someone get this boy an orange mocha frappucino!

Oh hey, let’s make sure that doesn’t last long.  Derek and Austin are sitting down for tea so that Derek can tell him what’s going on with the Rodiney situation.  Derek tries to explain to Austin that everyone’s concerned about their safety when Austin drinks because he’s violent.  Austin is a bitchy little twat about it, and poor Derek is trying like hell to help Austin out and get him to change his horrific drunken violent behavior, but Austin is not listening.  I don’t like Derek, but I feel bad for him right in this moment.

Note to self: Make friends with awful people so that I can always be the better person

Cut to Austin’s apartment, and he’s making coffee with his hubby.  Hubby asks about his interview, and Austin tells him that it wound up being a nude photo shoot as an interview.  Jake seems less than happy, and then Austin tells him that he was fluffed.  Jake gets pissed and starts yelling at him for letting another guy touch his junk, and Austin says he didn’t let the dude touch him at all.  So… How did he get fluffed then?  I’m confused.  Any porn stars out there want to explain this to me?  Are there telekinetic fluffers running around Manhattan.

Professor “XXX”

Anyway, my Tivo stops mid argument, because Logo runs on Homo Standard Time and everything’s five minutes late.  I would assume they yelled some more and then the show ended (?)

So, final thoughts.  First, can someone tell me who these guys are?  I see that Ryan owns a salon, but other than that I just see very wealthy boys who are really gay and who I can’t figure out why Logo follows around with video cameras.  Second, what frightens me is that sheltered heteros sometimes base their opinions of gays on what they see on TV, and if this was my only impression of the gay community I’d be scared of gay boys too.

Anyway, here’s your gratuitous puppy pic.  You only get one because I still have the finale of Platinum Hit to get through and I have to save some awesome doggy shots for that.