The A-List: Hurricane Derek

**FYI, couldn’t download the episode and Logo still hasn’t put it up yet, so the pictures are a little more few and far between this week.  Sorry!

Wow.  So Derek is a little bitch!  Huh, heretofore he was a gay I would have love love LOVED to spend time with – what times we would’ve had!  Shopping, grabbing cocktails, passing judgment on people and complimenting ourselves.  Sure, it might have been a little shallow at times, but a special relationship, nonetheless.  I even would have tolerated his disproportionately emotional responses to mildly harmful stimuli, like sassy waitresses or internet insults.  That is, until I became one of those mildly harmful stimuli.  Then our relationship would have completely imploded because regardless of the personal standing he kept me in, all insults to Derek have the same personal impact – HURRICANE!

Woooooooossssshhhh!

Based on what’s happened this week, that’s what I expect would go down between us.  Speaking of this week, MAN, does everyone hate Austin!  Well, according to Ryan everyone hates Austin.  Duncan, Reichen and Jake still like him, for what it’s worth.  They should just come up with their own spin-off and title it “Austin, Duncan, Reichen and Jake.”

P.S.  I was not close enough to Duncan to smell him.  I figured if I tried, he’d get freaked out and I’d get fired.

We open on Austin and Jake… fencing?  No, seriously, they’re fencing.  Austin interviews that he’s happy to get to do anything physical with Jake that allows him to bruise his husband.  Ha…ha…?  I mean, that odd, slightly abusive comment aside, I still can’t really get past the fencing.  This show tends to glorify gay stereotypes, and while fencing looks, smells and tastes like a gay stereotype, a gay stereotype it is not.  I think Austin and Jake just became the cutest Anglophiles ever!  How hilarious would it be to see Austin lumbering around like the drunken man/ape he is, all the while fixing tea and toast to share with Jake.  I’LL BET THEY SERIOUSLY DO THAT!!!

Anywho, the talk quickly turns to Derek and Austin’s receipt of a text from Verizon that read, “This is a free text from Verizon Wireless.  This number has been blocked from [Derek's] phone.”  I kind of wish Austin had turned to the camera at that point and said, “Really?  Well, hey Verizon, here’s some free publicity from me!  Your customer service sucks – go fuck yourselves and stop acting as a shit-disturbing go-between for my former best friend. TMBL4LFE!!”

Austin interviews that neither he nor Derek have spoken since the cocktail party, and the reason’s unclear.  Or it’s just something Austin doesn’t want to face because he knows he’s been a bad, bad Anglophile.  He’s annoyed that he and Derek can’t just talk and at least try to work things out, but puts on a brave face, agreeing with Jake that it’s Derek’s loss and starting to fence.  It’s sort of sad, really.  Austin is kind of a big kid (not necessarily in a good way), and it’s clear he’d be really sad to lose Derek, and he can’t quite believe it’s happening.

With that the two men start fencing, and Austin’s confident he’ll win – after all, he’s had lessons before.  Really?  This whole thing just gets stranger and stranger.  It’d be like Derek playing Go or Rodiney dating girls.  See below.  In the end, Jake wins, and it’s nice to see them enjoying each other after the Playgirl debacle.

Onto Hawaii!!  Reichen and T.J. arrive, and it’s not ten damn minutes before Reichen is crying.  Not ten damn minutes!  Apparently that dude Reichen mentioned that he’d “met and spoken to” (which, just to make sure everyone’s on the same page, I just did 30 minutes ago buying coffee with a bum who called me Sugar), Reed, can’t make it.  Reichen chokes out that he doesn’t hate Reed for canceling, to which T.J. awesomely responds, “You don’t know him well enough to hate him.”  T.J. immediately goes into caretaker mode and orders Reichen to put on a fucking happy face.  Bitch needs the Joker operation that Jack Nicholson got in “Batman.”

Poor T.J.  He thought he won a damn game show and got a trip to Hawaii with a beauty king and guaranteed sex.  It’s like he’s arrived to find a hurricane and everyone at the Paradise Festival sporting cold sores instead of leis.

Nothing in life is free…

Sidenote: I know T.J. is everyone’s favorite, but he’s mine now, too.  At the end of every episode starting next week, I shall collect a series of T.J. quotes and list them for all to enjoy.  For this week, please feel free to submit your own!  I’ll start: “We’re gonna Waikiki with ALL the mahus.”  I think I have a sentimental attachment to him because he reminds me of my friend Bradley who makes designer bags out of t-shirts and calls them T-Bags.  They’re fucking cute, btw.

Back in New York, the segment is titled Rodiney and Derek.  The huh?  Since when are these two a pair of anything but unhappy people stuck in the same room?  Oh, since Derek pulled a sneak attack on Austin and is starting to arm himself with a platoon of friends that wish nothing but impotence and bad lighting on Austin.  Classy.  Officially, Derek has started to reexamine his behavior pre-Austin Breakup, has decided to mend some fences.  Okay, fine, totally valid.  But for one thing – you hate Rodiney.  He’s an idiot who insulted your mom.  They meet up at a boutique, and Rodiney interviews that he doesn’t know why the hell Derek wanted to hang out.  Ha, smarter than he’s subtitled, that one.

I guess Rodiney’s at the boutique to try on clothes… which he does… out on the sales floor not in the fitting room.  Is this standard gay/guy procedure?  Seems kind of lame.  Anywho, Derek explains that he and Austin are no longer friends, and that Derek wants to let Rodiney know that if Rodiney wants to hang out with Derek, he doesn’t have to refrain because of the former Austin association.  Rodiney, to whom I have given too little credit, smiles and nods, while simultaneously interviewing that he doesn’t trust the shit out of Derek, and then says so to Derek’s face.  He calls him out on how he and Derek used to be friends, but when Derek became friends with Austin, Derek went 180 on Rodiney and said/did terrible things to him.  Derek sheepishly admits that he can say and do bitchy things and apologizes.  Rodiney looks like he’s willing to see how it goes, and affords Derek the same courtesy Derek will forgo to Austin later in the episode – forgiving his former friend for a nasty, nasty mistake.

Commercial!  We return to shots of the Prada and Louis Vuitton boutiques then to the Bronze Bar!  Oooh, looks like it’s time to explore Derek’s never-before-seen business-venture or “work,” Tansexual.  I spend a moment imagining the opening sequence to be, “Prada!  Louis Vuitton!  Tansexual!  Look like the leather you carry – without the risk of cancer!”

The Bronze Bar happens to be the home of Derek’s hand-selected, non-powersuit wearing business partners Sally and Joy, who make an unintentional beaver joke in their first lines.  I kind of think they look like Jack Sprat and his wife…

RIGHT?

Sally and Joy have been working on the packaging for the spray, and it’s kind of awful.  It’s tan, moisture dotted skin, against a blue bottle.  I like the typeface, but that’s about it.  They would also like to do a soft-launch of the product at Derek’s “Boylesque” show, somehow incorporating the product into his dance number.  Oh, Lord.  I why do I think “Boylesque” is going to involve Derek and these?

After the strangest business meeting ever, we head over to Ryan and Rodiney.  Ryan asked Rodiney to walk in a fashion show for a client/friend, and further cements his image as Queen Bee Bitch in my head as he smirks that every penny counts for Rodiney now that he’s broken up with Reichen.  The show starts and… damn.  Rodiney is hot when he’s mouth is closed and he’s looking sexily down the end of a camera lens.  I wonder if Reichen made him take a vow of silence for an hour before they had sex.  I would.  For the hour before and the hours after.  All of them.

Ryan and Rodiney meet up at the after party, which includes a sight I’m very familiar with when it comes to fashion parties: untouched buffets!

Ryan immediately starts in making little digs at how hard it is to make it on one’s own in the Big Bad City, when Rodiney interjects that he doesn’t think it’s going to be so hard.  Then, of course, Ryan has to interview, “Easier than living off Reichen’s savings?  I don’t think so.”  God, that blond, overgrown cherub is really starting to piss me off with his patronizing bullshit.  Then the conversation moves to girls, and this is where Rodiney finally reveals a side of his personality that interests me: bisexuality!  That’s something that’s pretty hard to sell me on, mostly because I spend a lot of time in West Hollywood, where homosexuality is, in fact, contagious.  But when Rodiney talks about the girls in the show and that the one he wants to take who reminds him of the Brazilian girls he used to date, he sounds really sincere.  Mostly because he’s probably not smart enough to be deceitful, but it’s cute all the same.  Ryan, for his part, raises his eyebrows at how horribly he thinks this will turn out, but, of course, does nothing whatsoever to stop it.

Everyone in my life exists to entertain me.

Ugh, back to Hawaii, home of the worst gay pride ever.  Reichen and T.J. head to a party that he’s hosting and meet up with Reichen’s friend Mike Manning (Mannig?  Mannick?).  Apparently Mike’s Reichen’s buddy because they both do a lot of hosting and television shows.  Whatever you say, Reichen.  Mike’s like a jockey version of Reichen – a pocket-Reichen, if you will.  The two are old friends and have a grand old time shoving cupcakes in each other’s faces.  That is until Reichen tells Mike that he’s attractive, and Mike jets because things just got really intense.  Apparently Mike wasn’t prepared to take the step from buddy to fuck-buddy, so Reichen needs to start crying again.  Or at least leaning on T.J. and whining about his bad luck.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I have no fucking clue how this dude made it through the academy.  T.J. once again drags Reichen back from the brink and tells him bad luck comes in threes – Rodiney, Reed and Mike.  That’s three, and Reichen’s luck will surely change tomorrow.  It fucking better, or you might as well take a helicopter tour of a volcano, because that is the closest you’re going to get to any game on this trip, Teej.

Commercial!  We return to a dance studio and it’s revealed that Derek’s business partner Sally is also a burlesque dancer named “Lady Chardonnay.”  Derek’s there to rehearse his Tansexual number for her burlesque show and he’s brought Gina, his assistant along for moral support.  Really?  What the fuck is up with people bringing people to randomass events for moral support?  Scary doctor’s appointment?  Yes.  Getting your stuff from a crazy ex?  Yes.  Dance rehearsal?  NO.  What do you think will happen Derek?  Sally will beat you over the head with an empty bottle of Kendall Jackson if you miss a few steps, screaming, “Get back in your jazz square, Monkey or feel the wroth of Lady Chardonnay!!!”  Eesh.

As I’m sure you could guess, the rehearsal goes fine and I’m sure Gina’s happy to get paid for nothing.  I would be.

Man that walking sure looks emotionally draining.

Derek’s excited to make his naked and glistening debut which will end in a spray tan and glitter shower.  I think that’s how gay parents should explain babies to their children until they’re old enough to understand surrogacy.

In other news, it’s time for Rodiney’s date with a girl!  They head to a restaurant called Elmo, which I assume is more subconscious gay propaganda that Bert and Ernie are life partners, and he greets her with a rose.  Man, what is trite on every other man is

Tienes la magica!!

The fact that the girl, Lisa, is someone who reminds Rodiney of the girls he used to date in Brazil, makes me cackle at the stereotypic-yness of it all.  She’s tan, gorgeous and has boobs so big they barely fit in frame.  The two have innocent smalltalk until Rodiney brings up the fact that he’s bisexual, and for a model who presumably lives and works in New York, Lisa has to cover up one helluva double-take.  Then, when Rodiney asks her (so sweetly and so gently – GAH I DON’T WANT TO LIKE THIS IDIOT, BUT IT’S HAPPENING!!!) if she’s ever been with a woman, it’s all she can do to hold back her blush and girlish giggle.  She can’t even answer because the waiter arrives with their appetizers and she’ll be damned if she’s going to utter a word about that to someone who could hear her.  Like the AUDIENCE.  She actually does avoid answering the question, if not because she’s embarrassed, then because she knows that the mere mention of being with another woman would act as a silent whistle to all straight bros within a mile radius and bring hoards of them to her feet.  Not good first date etiquette.

Anywho, it doesn’t seem like the date progresses much beyond talking about bisexual experiences, and when Rodiney asks for a kiss, a chaste peck on the lips is all that he gets.  Way to shell shock her, Rodiney.  Best of luck!

And now it’s onto… Derek and Nyasha.  Oh, Christ.  And now, boys and girls, we’re going to watch Derek do something Austin cannot forgive – treating Nyasha like the adult female she isn’t.  The two sit down to dinner, and Nyasha starts off, telling Derek she accepted his invitation because she felt he was someone she hadn’t given a chance to, and had just written off because of his association with Austin.  She takes this monologue very seriously, as though she feels guilty at depriving someone of the magic of her presence.  Lord.  Girl, apology looks like a bad weave on you.  The reason she gives for ignoring Derek is that she considered he and Austin to be very negative and it wasn’t something she wanted to be around.  Derek gives her that one, and then, to his credit, fires back that when he meets someone, he doesn’t need to hear their resume, including how much they make.  Of course Nyasha is completely unable to hear any fault about herself unless she’s volunteered it herself, so she takes no responsibility for being incredibly obnoxious and off-putting the night she and Derek met.  She says that she was just answering questions that people asked her, and she wasn’t “abrasive or offensive” in her answers.  Nyasha, being abrasive or giving offense is something other people decide you do or don’t do. You don’t have to care if you piss people off, but whether or not it happens is their decision.

Derek cares more about having allies than he does about being right or wrong, so he glosses over that night and both he and Nyasha agree to be friends and forget their horrible beginning.  He invites her to the Burlesque show and the two toast to their new friendship.  BARF.

Okay, Derek.  I can see you repairing the bridge with Rodiney, considering apparently you two used to be friends and it was just Austin keeping you apart.  But you actively disliked Nyasha from the moment you met her, so this?  This right here?  Is categorically bullshit, and I believe your friendship will not live out the season.  Mostly because Nyasha doesn’t really have friends as much as people who do things for her and give her attention, but also because she interviewed that she doesn’t trust you either, and just thinks you’re looking to load up on friends now that Austin is out of the picture.  Commercial, thank goodness.  We still have the burlesque show to get through, and I’m already nauseous.

Oh, great.  Hawaii.

Reichen and T.J. are at yet another “awesome” party held in what appears to be the elevator lobby of some hotel, and T.J. is already interviewing again about how lame Reichen’s cruising skills are.  Apparently Reichen keeps asking T.J. to approach men for him, and T.J., the closest thing to 15-year old girl on this show, Reichen to do just that.  He’ll go with Reichen (for moral support) to approach someone, but he won’t do it for him.  So that’s what they do, and we’re introduced to Kawami and Tristan.  If you are named either of those two things, you’d better be fucking gorgeous or else people won’t know what to do with you.

Both men are very nice, and Reichen has an instant connection to Tristan.  They meet up at another party at night, and have a nice walk on the beach.  Apparently Reichen is leaving the next day, so it was important that he and Tristan have some alone time so he can say goodbye properly to a guy he’s known for roughly eight hours.  OMG, I’ve just figured out why Reichen bugs me so much!  He’s just like every girlfriend I’ve ever had who cannot stay single and gets attached to every guy she meets that she has a “connection” with.  Announcement: finding out you have more than five things in common with someone including the fact that you are both attractive is not a “connection.”  It’s the mutual realization that you both want to hook up.  Whatever, they make out on the beach (waaaay too graphically) and Reichen deems his luck to be changing.  Just in time for him to leave Hawaii.  T.J. must be so pleased.

In New York, it’s time for another park bench therapy session for Austin and Ryan.  These are getting kind of funny.  For Ryan, it’s a time to play with one of his favorite dumbass toys and then watching the drama play out, and for Austin it’s a time of genuine reflection and discussion.  For instance, Ryan opens by gleefully pointing out that almost all of their friends hate Austin right now.  Isn’t it wonderful??!!

Austin doesn’t understand, especially about Derek, and Ryan spells out that Derek telling Austin that if Duncan was invited to the party, Derek would not show up, that that was enough for Austin not to invite the other man.  Austin genuinely doesn’t think that what he did warrants the end of a friendship, and wants to do the adult thing and talk it out, but Ryan assures him that the relationship is all but over.  He also (and rightfully so) that Austin maybe should not have blown up Derek’s phone/e-mail/mom’s phone so soon after the incident.  Boy needs some time to cool down.  I’ll say.  That was new information.  Oh well, despite the psycho nature of it all, obviously Austin does care.  And granted, when you have a friend who loves you, but consistently fucks up because they are dumb, sometimes you have to cut them off.  However, I don’t believe for a second this has anything to do with that, but instead is born out of Derek’s seriously tendency toward the overdramatic.

Exhibit A.

Meanwhile, back at da cluuub, it’s time for Derek’s show!  Where is Ryan and his snark working up a comment about how seeing Reichen and Rodiney do “boylesque” and seeing Derek do “boylesque” are two very, very different things?  Because that’s all that’s going through my head as Derek’s glistening hermaphroditic body glistens up and down the stage in those fucking shorts.

I KNEW IT!

Ryan, Rodiney, Nyasha, Mike, Martin and hahahahahaaaaaa Mike’s dad!  Who is awesome and comments the whole time that it’s just people having fun.  LOVE parents who are game.  And now it’s time for the show!!!  Whoa.  I have to be honest, Gasmii, and I’m not trying to be bitchy here, because I love me some burlesque, but this show looks like a frigging train wreck.  The costumes are kind of ugly and homemade looking, one of the boy dancers (ironically the one Nyasha gets up on a table to cheer on) kind of suck (tried to rip off his shirt and failed) and there’s very little actual burlesque to be seen.  But there’s an overweight blond lady twirling a baton… so, yeah.

Nyasha and I actually agree on something.

We finally get to Derek’s number after Ryan of course has to girlishly mention that he doesn’t think Austin’s invited, and it doesn’t suck.  Derek, from what I can tell, sort of moves around like Britney Spears at the MTV Music Video awards (you know which one), but he’s surrounded by enough good people that it doesn’t matter much.  He comes off the stage flush with victory.  He’s ecstatic to see Nyasha and Rodiney in the audience, because it means that he has achieved “friendship” and can now safely dump Austin.  He vows that night to have a sit-down.  See?  Little bitch.  Summer wouldn’t have been much fun without friends, huh?  Had to make sure you had some of those before you got rid of an old one.

Speaking of the sit-down, the two men meet either the next day or something in the next few days in a private room at a restaurant.  I feel like this is the scene in the show that I need to recap the least.  Considering Derek has said to no less than eight or nine different people in the past two episodes that he’s DONE, I’m sure it’s not too much of a surprise that that’s what he tells Austin.  According to Derek, while he was in Miami, he BEGGED Austin to disinvite Duncan.  He says BEGGED like, a million times, and Austin doesn’t really protest.  He also doesn’t protest when Derek brings up the fact that Austin joined in when Duncan badmouthed Derek.  This makes me think they’ve edited out his protests, or he really was totally self-centered in this situation and has nothing to say.  Oh wait, he does…  Apparently his husband is British and misses his family, so Jake is drawn to British accents like a moth to a stinky flame.  Austin didn’t feel right about depriving his husband of some expat luuuuv.  Please, Austin, that was fucking weak.  I’m pretty sure there are plenty of Brits in NYC.  There sure are enough damn pubs.

In the end, Austin apologizes profusely, completely admits that he made a terrible mistake and asks why this can’t just be a moment in their friendship where one of them fucked up?  Because Derek’s not a very good friend, and he’s a total drama queen.  I’m not necessarily defending Austin here, but friends fuck up.  If you’re going to keep them around, you have to make your peace with that.  And I don’t get where Derek gets off talking about how he’s sick of all of Austin’s bullshit, when he’s been right there in the thick of it encouraging.  But, Austin’s pleas go unheard, and it all kind of sucks.  BTW, I did catch the last three episodes of the first season, and I’m still on Team Austin.  He’s a douche, but he really is the most honest one (often inappropriately so) on this show.  He needs to clean up his act, definitely, but I have no idea where have these men get off acting like they’re any better.

Cheer up.  At least you’re not single!

Oh, well, at least this promises to be a better season.  I can’t wait until Derek realizes he still can’t stand Nyasha.  That’s gonna be one hell of an episode:-)

See you next week!