Gasmii! We/I made it! It’s the season finale of this incredibly anticlimactic show! I’m hoping someone rips off Nyasha’s wig to reveal exactly what she is:
That’s probably not going to happen, though, so enjoy the illustrations.
It’s Friday, 11am, and the start of Austin and Jake’s four-person bachelor party. They hop in a bright pink, stretch hummer limo (which is so awesome I can’t even speak), and immediately start drinking. Austin toasts, “Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends!” I don’t recognize the other two gays in the car, don’t think it’s the trainer Austin made friends with, and it’s clear that Austin’s realized no one else who’s on the show is bothering coming to the party. Mike is included in that, but he has real reasons for not going, like lunch with Margaret Cho, work, and a real relationship. The rest of those motherfuckers are actually in Atlantic City right then, spa-ing it up, and gossiping some more about Austin. They hate him, so he’s all they talk about.
I guess they do start shittalking Nyasha first, so it’s a total waste of time. Rodiney is glad that they’ll finally have an opportunity to see if Nyasha’s butt can cover the checks her mouth has spent hours upon hours writing. Reichen comments on the fact that she’s certainly made a point to taut her music above his, and the gays bitch about how totally sensitive she is. But then, it’s Austin time! Reichen and Ryan agree to confront Austin, but Rodiney thinks it’s a waste of time. He manages to get out something along the lines of, “Austin will cry, say it’s not fair, and deny all accusations.” At least I think that’s what he said. He could have been reciting the menu from Fogo de Chao for all I know. I’m not sure I trust the subtitles anymore.
Then Rodiney gets extra personal with Reichen, accusing the former pilot of always caving when Austin cries, and Reichen’s tiny little feathers, wet with tears, get ruffled. It looks like it could be interesting, but a lot of things on this show look like that, and just when I get my hopes up, the mirage turns to sand and Nyasha’s recording sessions. The spa-gossip session ends with Reichen and Ryan still set on confronting Austin, Derek still hating him, and Rodiney pouting and spouting gibberish in the hot tub.
Oh, and P.S. Gasmii? I know that AC is Vegas’ redheaded stepchild, but this “spa” area looks straight out of the YMCA. I should know, I’m a member. Commercial.
Back in New York, it’s time for Mike and his Margaret Cho dinner/lunch what have you. Mike hilariously interviews that he and Margaret are friends because they have so much in common – they both hate carbs, they both love their work, and they share the same sense of humor. Mike, you have a lot in common with the population of any metropolitan city in America. They talk about their relationships, two minutes on hers, ten on his. Mike’s blissful, so Margaret broaches the marriage question. Mike’s thought about it, but there are no immediate plans. Margaret awesomely drops the fact that she’s a Universal Life Minister and could totally marry Mike and Martin. Screw Mike and Martin, I want her to marry me! She should just go into business for herself doing that – Margaret Cho weddings. How many of you, Gasmii, would pay good money to have Margaret Cho officiate for your wedding? Comment and let me know!
Back in AC, Nyasha rehearses in an ugly ass room that looks like a tide of vomit from which several plastic palm trees have grown. Like I said in the minicap, she honestly thinks it’s this performance that will catapault her career and not her face smeared all over B-List reality television. Commercial!
And smeared it is. ( I don’t have a smear effect…)
We return to the AC boardwalk, and Reichen and Rodiney are repairing their totally functional relationship. Seriously, Rodiney and Reichen have this talk where they formally decide to be friends, like that they have been for the entirety of this season. I pray that Jimmy Darmody will run through frame with a Tommy Gun and take them both out, but my anachronistic luck has run out.
Meanwhile, Austin, his fiancé, and his two other friends head to a show, and spend the entire time ignoring the awesome aerial dancers, contortionists and other carny accoutrements. They bitch about how no one from the A-List group has bothered to so much as R.S.V.P. to any of the events Austin has planned, while they’re all in Atlantic City anyway. I gotta give to Austin on this one. That shit is rude. Also stupid. Half the fun of having an enemy is spitefully declining invitations they were stupid enough to send you.
Back in New York, Mike’s having dinner with Martin, and they talk about the troubles Martin’s having seeing his kids. Ex-wife is throwing up a bunch of legal hoops for Martin to jump through, and it’s so bad he hasn’t SEEN HIS KIDS IN A YEAR. OMG, I’m never one to comment on other people’s handling of divorce, but short of Martin being a perv or a murderer (of which I’m reasonably certain he isn’t) that is a cold, callous move – especially, as Mike and Martin both agree, to visit on the kids. Ugh, my heart breaks for this guy. I hope his uniball doesn’t show up on the internet this year and make me regret likiing him.
After they finish talking about how sad everything is, Mike Ruiz totally proposes!!! Martin is surprised and joyful, and frankly, so am I! I so did not see this coming. Excellent work, Mr. Ruiz. I hope next season’s finale is their wedding as officiated by Margaret Cho, Maid of Honored by Kathy Griffin, and Flower Girled/Ring Beared by Martin’s kids. Commercial.
Ugh, back to AC. I just want to stay in New York where it’s nice and the gays know how to behave – with tears, photography, celebrities and kindness. Nyasha’s getting her makeup done, but she’s worried that her lips are a different red than her backup dancers. Who are different races and skintones than her. Ugh. The makeup looks awful, and we have to sit through Nyasha fake thanking the dancers, even though she obviously doesn’t know their names. Pffft.
Onto to room 307, where Austin and Reichen are sitting in the dugout waiting to get up to bat. Oh, I guess they’re just waiting to confront Austin. It just seems like they’re waiting to get up to bat because they’re both grown men sitting on a Saturday night wearing baseball caps. My mistake.
They get on into it, and Reichen tells Austin that he’s pretty perturbed that after a summer of Austin screwing with Reichen and Rodiney’s “perfect” relationship, Reichen had to learn of supposed cheating that went on between Jake and Austin. Austin bristles immediately and demands to know who would say such things, but neither Ryan nor Reichen is willing to say. OF COURSE NOT. Because if Austin found out it was Rodiney who started this particular ball rolling, the jig’d be up faster than Austin could down his MGD 64. And that’s fucking quick.
Unfortunately, Austin doesn’t just leave the bullshit “meeting,” but instead breaks down and starts weeping (just like Rodiney said he would), wailing that while Austin wants a good committed relationship, Jake doesn’t exactly put in the same amount of effort. Austin has a total breakdown, and Ryan and Reichen encourage him to leave Jake, like that night. The whole thing is a total shitshow, and I’m left not knowing what to think. Except that I’d still rather hang with Austin. He’s a hot mess, but he’s the most sincere person on this show next to Mike. Sigh, commercial.
We return to Nyasha’s performance, and frankly, the only thing I can say about is that she didn’t really sing, there were a lot of sound effects, terrible lighting and terrible costumes. Most of the gays agree with me, but of course they congratulate her to her face. No one’s going to mind that that’s all the time I spend on this segment, right? Good, I didn’t think so. I will say that there’s this pasty, middle-aged white guy in the front row singing along, which was weird. But what was awesome was Nyasha interviewing about how life-changing it is to have somebody you don’t know sing along to a song you wrote. Ha! Not your demographic, Honey, but I’m happy literally NOTHING can get you down.
On the other side of the hotel, I think, Austin is at some go-go club or whatever the kids are calling them these days, with his party of four, drinking away his sorrows. He hasn’t confronted Jake, but that’s his business. He’s already well-aware of his husband’s activities, and it’s Austin, so he’s drinking his problems away. Tension arises when one of the dudes in their party starts cozying up to Jake, and when a surprise stripper comes up and starts grinding on them both. It’s awkward and Austin shuts it down almost immediately. Yeah, it’s not mature or healthy, but it’s the way he deals. But don’t worry, his behavior won’t go unnoticed by all the other gays who are simultaneously disgusted and obsessed with him. Commercial!
We return to the gays at dinner, who don’t waste a second on Nyasha’s performance, but instead harangue Austin for being rude enough to show up to Ryan and Reichen’s intervention with a beer in his hand. I think it’s fucking rude to summon someone in the middle of their bachelor party to shit on their marriage, but that’s just me.
Also, apparently there are already pictures of Austin and Jake’s stripper event on the internet (so they’re all still friends with the couple on Facebook, I assume), and Reichen thinks it’s “criminal” for Austin to weep to them and then head to a party with his husband. And I agree, things like that would be confusing to an outsider – it’s why you don’t get involved in other people’s shit. Most of the time, outsiders get shit wrong.
Finally, for what seems to be the last scene in a woefully lacking season finale, Jake and Austin are on the boardwalk and finally get a chance to talk. Austin explains what his meeting with Ryan and Reichen was really about, and Jake reacts about the same way, but with no tears. Jake has the reaction I would, which is that the whole confrontation was totally out of place, and that those assholes are just that – assholes for shitting on Austin this way. And frankly, it totally fucking is. Austin’s an idiot, and you don’t bulldoze idiots. You don’t let them hurt you (because if YOU’RE not an idiot, they shouldn’t be able to), and you don’t hurt them because it’s like kicking puppies.
All in all, Mike makes me smile, Austin pisses me off, and the rest of them make me want to vomit. Well, except for Rodiney. He just makes me feel bad when I find myself shallowly laughing at his poor English.
Doubtful any of that will change come next week’s REUNION!!