The A-List New York: Sticks and Stones

Hello again, Gasmii, and welcome to Part Two of the A-List Double Recap!  This one will have more creative pictures because Logo has decided to suck and not post their new episodes online until, like a month after they air.  Well, it’s more like four days, but that might as well be a month in television recap land.  I hope you like what I’ve come up with…

We start episode seven with Reichen, who’s heading out to the Hamptons to have a meeting about creating a fragrance line from which all the proceeds will go to AIDS research or charity or something.  He’s consulting with a lady named Indie Lee, who sounds like she’d be an awesome hipster country star of some kind, but really she’s a fragrance consultant who takes Reichen through her greenhouse so they can match his personality traits with herbs and stuff to create an alluring, but masculine scent.  Luckily Reichen doesn’t get lost on the way smelling a weeping willow, and by the end of the meeting he claims he knows exactly what he wants the fragrance to smell like.

Back in New York, Austin and Jake are out with Cory, Austin’s hot personal trainer from two episodes ago.  I think it’s not only necessary for personal trainers to be buff – they also need to be hot.  I don’t want some weird dude looking down at me as I lift weights because I will drop that shit quicker than 123 if I’m distracted by untrimmed nosehair or something.  Anywho, Jake’s revealing all of Austin’s secret, late-night pizza and ice cream binges to Cory, and Austin’s gamely protesting that he and Jake DO eat healthy things like tuna… and salad.  Tuna salad, perhaps?  Austin interviews that he’s invited Cory out so the couple can have another person to hang out with besides Reichen.  If you recall, even though Reichen is the only person currently speaking to Austin, the pilot/fragrance CEO makes Jake uncomfortable.  Well, it’s more Austin’s constant flirting with Reichen that makes Jake uncomfortable, but now that Reichen’s out of the equation, all’s well.

The conversation moves to Playgirl, so I guess Austin finally owned up to Jake about still considering it, but considering it is all he’s doing.  Austin’s still claiming that bullshit about how the only reason he wants to do it is to raise awareness about his bi-national same sex thing he likes to talk about campaign, but when he interviews about that, even he can barely keep a straight face.  Let me save us all some minor curiosity – Austin does not do Playgirl.  Hopefully he gets in better shape, though.

Austin and Jake seem to really be enjoying Cory’s company, because they invite him to the Hamptons that weekend for a charity event.  Jake brings up Derek and promises to talk to Former Friend before the weekend to grease the wheels of a reconciliation.  Apparently Derek’s blocked Austin’s number, but not Jake’s.  Ha!

On another part of the island, candles are being lit, and there’s a cheap looking cheese plate on a table – it’s a Botox Party!  Ryan’s organized it so he can passive aggressively call everyone wrinkled and ugly by telling them they should all get Botox before the charity Hamptons thing that weekend.  It’s also totally a way to get everyone together to gossip about the night before at Nyasha’s party.  Of course, Nyasha is invited to the Botox party for no reason whatsoever except to fuel the fire with her obnoxious nature and color block wardrobe.  Ryan, Derek and T.J. send Reichen and Rodiney in first, and Rodiney reveals that Nyasha was making fun of Reichen’s song last night at her party.  Reichen rolls his eyes and interviews that he’s done giving Nyasha chances – she sucks a bag of hairy dicks and that’s all there is to it.  Rodiney’s in the same boat, and both of the men emerge from their Botox (well, Reichen’s botox – Rodiney doesn’t need it), committed to cutting Nyasha out of their lives for good!  Then she and Rodiney make up in about five seconds, and all of my hopes for Nyasha’s battering ram of a personality getting hot oil poured all the fuck over it disappear.  She kind of apologizes to Rodiney for being a total cunt the night before and Rodiney gives her a big hug.  Commercial!

We return to a new pair of men – Mike and Austin.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen them in the same room together on this show, but apparently Mike thinks that Austin is totally misunderstood and thinks that if Austin had a way to channel his energy into something productive besides pounding four margaritas in 15 minutes and gabbing about relationships, the kid would level out.  As the two converse, Mike reveals that when he was younger, he was a lot like Austin – always getting into it with everyone and doing the cover of Playgirl.  What??  Haha, Mike totally did the cover of Playgirl in 1990 or something, but his spread didn’t involve actual spreading, just his naked body underneath a pile of ties.  Looks like Playgirl’s stepped up its game in recent years.

Austin asks Mike if it’s a good idea to follow in Mike’s footsteps (for the sake of the campaign, of course), and Mike sweetly shoots that shit out of the sky, telling Austin that showing dick ain’t gonna help no non-existent campaign.  The two end what I swear is their first conversation happily, and we head on over to Rodiney!

Rodiney’s shooting the September issue of Instinct, a huge gay magazine.  Whoa, Rodiney.  Does that magazine prefer other magazines of the same sex?  No?  Magazines don’t have sex.  Okay then, maybe let’s not bandy around the word gay so loosely, hmm?  What’s that, Show?  It’s a magazine aimed at gay guys?  Oh.  Never mind, Rodiney.  Anywho, Rodiney does the shoot and looks gorgeous, but he’s noticing that it’s getting harder and harder to hide his male pattern baldness.  He finishes the shoot and resolves to do something about his hair issue – it’s for his career.  I love it when Rodiney gets serious.  There’s always a giggle and a little dancy move lurking beneath the exterior.

After Rodiney’s shoot, it’s time for Derek and Jake to have a talk.  Derek interviews that he agreed to meet Jake because Derek respects Jake.  Um, okay.  Jake was still right there with Austin inviting what’s his face over to the party, so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about Derek.  Anyway, the two manage to have a civil conversation about the fact that Austin really misses Derek, and Jake thinks that month without speaking is a punishment that doesn’t exactly fit the crime of Duncangate 2011.  Derek does see that to some extent and admits missing Austin, but reiterates that he warned Austin in the last text message ever to be sent that he would categorically never speak to Austin again were Duncan to be invited to that damn party.  Jake understands, but you can tell he’s totally sick of hanging out with Austin, and like, one other person.  He tries to express to Derek that the drama that follows Austin is part of his charm, but Derek doesn’t really see it that way.

The two men part ways with Derek promising to at least talk to Austin this weekend.  Goody, I’ll bet we’ll hear more about Derek’s betrayal and how awful Duncan was.  I understand now why Jake’s so frigging bored.

We return from commercial to Reichen capturing Reichen in a bottle.  That’s right.  The cologne is going to be called Reichen.  Dumb idea.  All the name Reichen makes me think of smelling is humiliation and tears.  Indie gives him some samples, and the scents that get called out are bergamot, lavender and amber…  Terribly, terribly masculine, no?  This is hilarious, I wish we could have spent more time with him…
Alas, it’s onto Austin and the skeevy dude from Playgirl.  Austin’s breaking the news that Playgirl isn’t going to happen.  Skeevs is all, “What would it take?  More money?  More nudity?  Less nudity… hmm…  You’re worried about a campaign you’re doing?  Bi-national gay couples?  Fuck, never mind kid, if you want to do it in the future, great.  I’m gonna go have sex do a test shoot with one of our other potentials.  Peace!”  That’s that!

Back to Rodiney and his hair, he’s decided to have a procedure that takes hair from the back of his head and puts it on the front.  Aaaaack it looks so painful!  There’s blood and bandages and all I can think about is THE HUNGER GAMES and how America is the Capitol and we’re so decadent and gross that we do shit like injecting botulism into our heads to make them expressionless and move our hair around to different parts of our bodies so we can get work getting our picture took!

Okay, maybe this show is kind of extreme, but that’s just where it takes me.  Oh, and you should read those books.

We return from commercial to The Hamptons where Reichen, Ryan, Derek and Nyasha (in the most ridiculous magenta plaid golfing outfit I’ve ever fucking seen) are going golfing.  Nyasha jumps into Reichen’s arms like a total dipshit, and I want punch her in the face.  She’s a terrible golfer, but Derek’s worse – he’s never golfed before.  A few minutes go by, there’s minor discussion of the charity event they’re going to later that night, and then it’s time to make fun of Austin.  They spend a bunch of time deciding how to deal appropriately with the Austin Situation, insulting him the whole time, and Reichen’s nice enough to interview that it’s the crap kind of balls to start in on the kid before the event even begins.  Agreed.  Commercial!

Back to the Hamptons at what looks like the Gods Love, We Deliver event.  Ryan wastes no time shitstirring, asking Derek if he’s seen Austin, and Derek interviews that he’s avoiding Austin, especially since Austin’s drinking.  Austin, for his part, is having a nice time with Jake and Cory, but when he approaches a group that includes Nyasha, Derek, Ryan, Reichen, and Mike, they literally all turn tail and run for the buffet.  Even Reichen, it’s super lame.  For his part, Austin’s happy to hang out with Jake and Cory and laughs it off.  But, Jake encourages him to go speak to Derek, and Austin does, begrudgingly.  The two head out to the pool and the whole thing is so awkward, and I’m just waiting for Austin to cry, Derek to walk away and Ryan and Nyasha to point and laugh.  Austin asks Derek why everything is so awkward between them, and Derek’s all, “Well, we’re not friends anymore.  What’s there to talk about?”  I don’t know, Derek, maybe the fact that you told Jake you’d try talking to him instead of just watching him squirm?  What a frigging jerk.  The event starts and the two men agree to speak after.  Of course Derek goes immediately to Ryan and Nyasha to hash it out, and Ryan insults Austin and Nyasha talks out of her ass.  Then there’s charity and everyone gives away money, and then it’s back to the good stuff – Austin and Derek.

They meet up again to really hash it out, and this time it gets ugly.  When I say ugly, I mean literally ugly and difficult to look at.  Austin loses his shit, cries and chokes out that he never would have wanted his friendship with Derek to end and for it to be awkward between them at parties.  Never!  Never awkward at parties!!  Derek’s a little bitch and never gets the upper hand in face to face confrontation, so he’s not forgiving Austin anytime soon.  It’s really sad, mostly because Austin’s trying so hard to regain the friendship of a total asswipe, who never does anything wrong to anyone.  He bitches about Austin talking shit at the cocktail party of doom, but Derek did the same damn thing to Nyasha at her party.  The whole thing is so ridiculous, I can barely stand it, but I make it to the end and the resolution.  Austin and Derek’s friendship will not be renewed and the two walk away.  Austin heads back to Jake, Derek heads back to Ryan and Nyasha, and each vows to have a good night and forget the other.

Until next week.