The A List New York: TEAM AUSTIN

**We weren’t planning on covering this one, but it’s too good to pass up so we’ll be playing catch up! Alejandra takes the first week, and TheMiki will be back Friday with a recap of the second episode!

Okay, so, from what I can gather, this is kind of what happened last season on “The A-List New York”:

Austin pissed off one group of people, then those people totally switched sides and started being friends with him.  He hit on a guy in a relationship, then revealed that he’d actually been in a relationship for two years, then hit the Brazilian that the guy in the relationship was in a relationship with.  From the clips I’ve seen, this was totally warranted considering that about five minutes of the Brazilian’s wide-eyed broke-ass English was enough to make me want to throw my remote at his face.

Some dude named Ryan owns a hair salon and got fixed up with someone he’d already dated in an episode of a matchmaker show I think I’ve actually seen.  Some dude named Reichen (whose real name is totally Richard) won an Amazing Race, dated Lance Bass, then, in a considerable step down, started dating the Brazilian, and drama ensued.  There are also some dudes named Derek and Mike who make adorable scenery, but I’ve yet to discover anything I intensely like or intensely dislike about them, so their descriptive futures remain to be seen…  Oh, and like, 8 of these men are models.

That’s about what I’ve got from Wikipedia, the recaps and Logo recap vids – I would have done more, but after ROHNY and RHOOC’s overlapping seasons, I’ve dropped way too many I.Q. points already to endeavor to marathon the first season.  Also, my roommate has threatened to stop paying for her half of the cable if I keep clogging up our Tivo with shit she considers, well, shit.  Fair point, I suppose.  Onto the recap!

We open at a bar on Saturday night at 10pm.

Oooh… ominous.  It’s like the “X-Files.”

Rodiney’s already subtitle-flipping out to Ryan about how “They not my friends!” and “Why they have to be so mean?”  I have to say, the subtitles are pretty unnecessary – I can understand every word this idiot says.  I have to believe there’s an editor at Logo that Rodiney used to date that’s having a grand old time showing off his ex’s broken English.  Ryan interviews that there’s been a lot of tension between the “boys,” and now there’s alcohol added to the mix.

Within two seconds, Rodiney and Derek are yelling some inexplicable shit about their mothers, some black chick I know nothing about starts getting in the middle of things for absolutely no reason but to get on camera.  She succeeds, and Austin finally throws what looks like a punch at Rodiney.

What is this, “Desperate Housewives”?  I’ll bet nobody even got punched.

Three days earlier things are much better in the New York version of LA these dudes live in.  Austin and his husband Jake return home from the gym, and Austin muses about how happy he is to be back from England with Jake.  As Austin gets a beer, Jake appears to be silently musing that Austin had better get his belly a little more in check if he wants to resume his “modeling” career.  Then Derek shows up, and Austin jumps up and down like a bunny now that his husband and best friend are here!

T’will be the gayest summer!

Derek breaks the news that he’s quit his job in favor of starting up his own tanning company, Tansexual.  Seriously, these HAVE to transplanted LA gays.  Derek’s also met a boy, a British boy, and this news causes this to happen:

POOOOKIIEEE!!!  DOUBLE DATE!!!

Also this:

Ha! Green card. Green card.

They rap about that for a little bit, then Austin reveals that he’s been asked to shoot the cover of Playgirl this summer, and Derek sweetly tells him that he needs to get rid of the belly before he poses without a shirt, much less pants.  Austin agrees, and Derek asks if Austin’s received an invitation to Mike’s t-shirt launch party.  Austin snits, “ARTIST Mike Ruiz’s t-shirt line?”  Which, bitchy, but fair.  The shirts are Mike’s face and MKE above it.  Wah-waaaah.  We never actually find out if Austin’s received the invitation because the rest of the scene is taken up by Derek and Austin making fun of Mike being old, and bitching about Reichen and Rodiney.  God, was ever there a couple with dumber names?

Meanwhile, at Ryan’s salon, his driver drops him off, and he walks in to find a client waiting and TJ, and a naked Reichen.  Well, on the computer.  Count Reichen into that famously stupid group of people who think it’s a GREAT idea to get famous, THEN get naked on the internet.  If you could go to hell for sheer stupidity, there’d be a special circle for these idiots.

Ryan’s voice gets high enough to shatter soft contact lenses when he sees it, and even higher when TJ points out Reichen’s uniball.  Okay, Reichen gets his own circle of stupidity hell.  You don’t webcam with damaged or missing goods!  There’s more squealing about that, until Ryan remembers that he has a client sitting five feet away and makes TJ go get her some coffee.

We cut from there to Reichen’s house in the Hamptons that I have no idea how he affords.  He’s doing push-ups and swimming while Mike sips a beer and watches.  Mike’s got his own live Playgirl to look at.  They hang out long enough for Mike to invite Reichen to the launch of his t-shirt line, then Ryan shows up.  Yay!   I’ve decided I like Ryan.  The girls sit down to chat, and Reichen reveals that Rodiney is moving out.  Crap.  I smell a weep scene.  Pfft.  Mike and Ryan feign surprise and shock as Reichen admits to “beating off online” with someone.  Oh, frigging GROSS.  He asks hopefully if they haven’t done that before, and Mike and Ryan sweetly, but firmly answer in the negative.  Basically the person on the other end of the webcam sold the video, and it’s everywhere.  I have to say, though, as gross as that is, I’ve seen and heard worse.

Anywho, Reichen’s happy to be away from the stress and out with his boys who hilariously suggest that he parlay his exposure into selling lube.

Hey, they’re entrepreneurs.

With that, it’s time for a commercial, and when we return, it’s to Mike’s studio (possibly apartment, too, not sure), where he and his partner Martin (who just moved in – awww) are shooting male models for a new coffee table book.  Again, Mike seems pretty great and accomplished, but this is his idea.

See, he’s married the masculine and the feminine by putting flower snakes on naked men.  No!  It’s not totally ridiculous!  Be nice, Gasmii.

Rodiney happens to be one of the models Mike is using because his modeling career is going like “gangbusters.”  Wow, Mike is old.  I mean, silver fox, but I guarantee you he uses the phrase, “more than Carter has pills.”  Rodiney natters on for a bit about how excited he is to get into his new apartment, and Mike and Martin awkwardly share in his happiness.

Aaaaand noooowww, it’s time to meet Nyasha, the pointless, pointless girl who is only present to make things even more painfully awful.  And she knows it.

I mean look at this fucking outfit.

She’s sitting down with Mike and Martin because she’s a “promising new artist.”  Okay.  They have a mutual friend that recommended Mike as an artistic director or something for Nyasha’s video of her new single.  There’s a mini-circle jerk in which Mike, Martin and Nyasha all compliment each other’s fashion senses and mutual fabulousity, and then, of course, Mike invites her to the t-shirt launch, and one more step of the drama is choreographed.  Nyasha asks if Rodiney’s going to be there, and when confirmed, she fans herself and says that’s great, ’cause she’s “hungry.”  She also flirts with Mike and Martin to kind of an uncomfortable degree.  I’m guessing Nyasha doesn’t date a lot.

After she leaves, it’s to get the stats on Nyasha.  What are they?  Well, everything she says requires her to open her eyes really wide and lean forward a little bit – like every sentence is a tiny little accomplishment.

She has a massively overblown opinion of herself, most likely fueled by her hair extension/wig line company, her one released single and her history as a beauty queen.  Apparently, she’s MOST internationally known as an ambassador to Africa.  She was crowned Miss Africa USA, and I refused to believe that that was a thing until I read this.  They could have better copy, but this pageant does, in fact, exist.  And Nyasha would qualify because she was born in South Africa.  She’s still awful, though.  Most of what we see her do is bring two assistants to a store to buy a dress for her album cover, and snap at her assistants at the hair company.  She considers herself to be like New York City in that she’s a bitch, but she’s a misunderstood bitch.  I consider her unlike New York in the sense that she sucks.

I mean look at this fucking outfit.

Oh, and in case anyone out there still likes her, her opening line is “I’ve been A-List since the day I was born.”

Commercial, FINALLY.

We check back in and it’s Derek and T.J. having a little rendez-vous.  Apparently T.J.’s sad because since he started working with his best friend, Ryan, things have become tense.  Ryan is kind of a slave-driver at work, apparently, and the behavior’s a little extreme.  He gets upset, and Derek makes me laugh out loud when he says, “Oh, I don’t want you to talk about anything that’s going to make you upset.”  Bitch, please.  That is ALL you want him to talk about.  No judgment, I don’t want to hear good things about people.  I just want to hear shit that makes me feel better about myself.

Along those lines, after Derek consoles T.J. for roughly five seconds, he moves on to talk about how Rodiney evilly Facebooked Derek’s mom Lisa and now there’s drama because you don’t fuck with somebody’s momma.  Agreed, Rodiney seems just dumb enough to stoke that kind of fire.  Basically Rodiney fired off that he didn’t understand how a mother could support a son who was so evil.  Sounds like Rodiney – whiny and lame.  So since it’s now official that everyone on the show is going to Mike’s party, I would imagine this is going to get brought up.

Chances are good.

And, oh, here’s the weepy scene I was dreading.  Rodiney’s packing up his stuff getting ready to leave Reichen’s apartment, and Reichen’s pouting on the bed, stroking a cat and watching.  He keeps trying to talk to Rodiney, but Rodiney refuses to stop packing to Reichen pouts and says he and Hans the cat will miss Rodiney (like, eight times), and interviews that break ups are haaaarrrd.  God, I’ve never met an Air Force Academy grad who whined this frigging much.  Rodiney muses to Reichen that he’s glad he came to New York because now he has agents and a life with his calendars, and all the while, all the other gays are interviewing about how great it is that the two are breaking up because Reichen can’t keep it in his pants, and Rodiney is finally making enough money that he doesn’t need to sponge off of anybody for awhile.  I think it’s kind of hilarious that Austin, Derek and Ryan all said basically the same thing with varying degrees of nice.

Reichen walks Rodiney out to the car service car, and wishes him well.  He weepily interviews that since he and Rodiney are still going to be friends, the break up is an end, but also a new beginning.  Oh, and they’re both going to Mike’s party.

This dance is far from over.

Elsewhere, Austin, Derek and Ryan head to Atrium to buy clothes for the party that night and also to gossip about Reichen and Rodiney.  The most exciting thing about this scene is the following:

Yup.  Favorite.

Austin brings up “the twins” and Derek and Ryan roll their eyes and beg him not to cause any fights at the party.  Austin, to his credit, interviews that he doesn’t need Ryan to tell him how to behave, and I kind of agree with him, though I do also give props to Ryan for pointing out that Austin needs to stop referring to Reichen as a friend.  I think they should stay the shit out of each other’s business, but then we wouldn’t have a show, and maybe not even reality television at all.  They each pick out outfits that are variations on the same theme, and Derek calls Austin the Joey Fatone of the group.  Yup.  Favorite.

After commercial, it’s time for the partaaay!  I’m actually excited, and it kind of makes me hate myself.  Holy crap the t-shirts are AWFUL.

See?

Nyasha arrives and meets Reichen and Rodiney, once again yelling her name at everyone, and making uncomfortable sexual comments about how she wants Rodiney to squeeze her.  I say uncomfortable because I think she’d actually go for one of these guys if the drunken opportunity were to present itself.  T.J.’s there with Ryan, and Ryan, while perhaps reserving judgment, does pronounce her very pretty and put together.  THEN it’s time for her to meet Derek and Austin, and I’m so perky about this I’ve got goosebumps.  Austin’s going to HATE her.

He’s calling her “nausea,” right now.

Nyasha talks about herself and how great she is for about five minutes before Austin and Derek get bored and tired of hearing about her thousands of abused assistants and turn around.  Austin does manage to let Nyasha know that no one likes Rodiney in those five minutes, but that’s about all the talking he can get in.  Both he and Derek interview that she was overwhelmingly self-obsessed, and man do I hope they make her cry soon.  In fine gay/girly fashion, Derek acts like he likes Nyasha, when he totally doesn’t.  Time for the afterparty, which is Saturday, at 10pm.

In case you forgot…

Reichen and Rodiney are unfashionably early, but Nyasha soon arrives to start gossiping and picking sides before she knows anything about this group she’s been forced to invade.  Oh, Homey.  Big mistake.  HUGE.  I have to go shopping now.  Reichen gives her the lowdown on what happened between him and Austin last summer, and Nyasha is just horrified that Austin could be such a terrible person, and of course everything he did and said was malicious and totally unprovoked.  What a dipshit this girl is. She actually says in response to what Reichen says about Austin that Austin should mind his own business.  I think her brains are leaking out her weave and that’s why it’s so glossy.

THEN as soon as Austin walks in, she tells him to pull out his balls, sit down and tell her his side of the story, because she’s neutral.  What a phony.

And look at this fucking outfit.

We head to commercial, and when we get back, Nyashsa’s still sticking her massive face into everyone’s business, to the point where when Rodiney, Derek and Austin get into their inevitable fight about what Rodiney said on Facebook, she keeps yelling that she doesn’t know what’s going on and everybody should just calm down.  You don’t know what’s going on BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  Ryan and T.J. who actually do have stakes invested, take their nachos and split to another table.

The fight escalates up the VIOLENT part, where it looked like Austin was throwing a punch at Rodiney, but it’s totally underwhelming.  He was basically giving him a handslap, but in an interesting twist, he hits Nyasha’s hand, as well, and for a moment, I wish I were that gay man.  Then Nyasha goes fucking crazy, screaming that Austin hit her and practically vaults over the table in an attempt to kick the shit out of him in the name violence against women or something.  She screams and screams , and Austin yells that he didn’t hit her.  Finally, she crazies him into shouting an apology because it’s the only way he can deal with the madness, and then she’s escorted downstairs by security.  Austin interviews that that wasn’t a good look on her, smiling like a satisfied cat.

Everyone agrees that the whole night was a disaster, but nothing’s really changed.  Everyone who was friends before is still, and Reichen’s still polite and kind of in the middle.

The next day, Reichen meets Nyasha for coffee to clear up what happened between Austin and her.  She blames the entire thing on Austin, and Nyasha excuses her crazy from the night before by simply interviewing that she basically saw red and blacked out when Austin “hit” her.  I think that’s going to be my excuse for the next time I get kicked out of a club.  It’ll just be because of alcohol, not rage.  Coming off that, Reichen decides to ignore all the evidence that Nyasha is awful and calls her a smart, mature person.  She then proceeds to lie through her teeth about Austin calling Reichen a name the night before and talks about how irrelevant Austin is to her.  In the end, Reichen has a new friend, and I’m totally convinced that no one that stupid should have won the “Amazing Race.”

We return from commercial to find Austin, in a move that kind of surprises me, because even though I like him, he’s definitely kind of a dumbass, calling Nyasha the next day and asks her to meet him.  He doesn’t want anyone to think that he would hit a woman, so he wants to have a sit down.  For her part, When Austin calls Nyasha, she snits, “How did you get my number?”  Apparently her office forwarded him to her cell, and I feel really bad for the assistant that’s going to get the weave literally torn out of their head when she returns.  She agrees to meet up, and by “agree,” I mean orders Austin to meet her at Bamboo 22 in an hour.  P.S. Nyasha’s 25.  On anyone else, that would be impressive.  On her, it’s sickening.

And LOOK AT THIS FUCKING OUTFIT.

Nyasha shows up and Austin is waiting, and she sits down and snaps, “What’s up, Austin.  Why did you call me here?”  Where?  To the place you ordered him to go to?  Austin calmly states that he wants to clear the air and claims that he would never hit a woman, and that Nyasha mistakenly thought he was swinging for her.  She gobbledygooks him and he kind of shakes his head and asks her if she really thinks he was trying to hit her.  He’s obviously trying to figure out what she thinks so he can make the appropriate apology, but Nyasha, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this yet, Nyasha doesn’t listen very well.  She effectively cuts him off and tells him (taking about an hour to do so) that he’s a child, she doesn’t have to entertain his behavior and that her busy, busy life does not include time for him.  Oh, and all of his friends (the two that she’s met) hate him and have hated him for years.  This bitch is hopeless.  She prances out and Austin just rolls his eyes.  I’m pretty surprised they’re still in his head.

Shit, I’m surprised mine are.  Check back later this season, or next week maybe to see if I’m blind!