We open this week at Fire Island, which, apparently is the Palm Springs of New York (sorry Friends, I’m a West Coaster, and the gay vacay spots around New York are still new to me). Austin and Reichen are having a beach day, and Austin wows Reichen by opening a beer with his forearm. I’m serious, Reichen is shocked SHOCKED that the human body has yet another marvelous function.
Do that to my dick!!
I’m really starting to doubt whether Reichen was in the military at all. After the beer magic, it’s time to rehash the drama with Nyasha and Derek at the fashion show, and Austin seems convinced that some of the pointed digs Nyasha made at his expense were culled from information that could only have come from Derek i.e. his many arrests. Reichen does a double-take at Austin’s arrests, plural, considering the dude’s 23, but Austin blows them off because they were for “little things.” Reichen echoes my personal sentiments claiming he wouldn’t know – he’s never been arrested. Well, he also isn’t from Southern Indiana – it’s not hard to get into a barfight and get hauled into the drunk tank. (I’m from Ohio, Gasmii. It’s one of my birthrights to be able to make those jokes, in case anyone was about to get offended.)
The conversation moves back to another rehash moment when the guys start talking about Austin’s marriage. He wants to have a one-year anniversary party in New York with Jake, but Reichen just wants to talk about how young the couple is. Austin insists he’s committed, and that seems to satisfy Reichen for the time being. Boy, I’m glad we got that one out of the way twice.
With that, it’s onto Nyasha, who’s planning a three-year anniversary launch party or some such nonsense for Embrace YOUR Hair, a company based on putting OTHER people’s hair on women’s heads. Why is she throwing the three-year anniversary launch party? Well, because it’s the three-year anniversary of her company and she’d like to launch some “exciting new products.” But mostly because she wants to splash her company all the hell over TV. Remember two episodes ago when every other word was Tansexual? Yeah, if Nyasha had any new products to launch, I have a feeling we’d probably know what they were, and for the record, we never really find out. For some reason, her old pageant coach is going to be her host. I don’t know if he’s her business partner or anything because they don’t identify him as such, so… yeah. Just another gay man in blowing around in the tornado that is Nyasha’s professional identity.
She discusses the bare bones of the party, which include a commercial, a fashion show featuring the hair products, a red carpet and a press line. There’ll be buyers, investors and all manner of important people there, and it actually sounds like if it goes well, she could gain some serious ground with it. God, it’s at times like this I really wish Nyasha wasn’t such a terrible person, because I’d really like to admire her for her considerable accomplishments. As it stands, my only explanation is that she’s obviously sold her soul to the devil.
We leave New York for LA because it’s time for some Mike Ruiz. Well, really, it’s time for some Kathy Griffin because celebrity guest stars and minor personal problems are the main reason Mike’s on this show, from what I can glean. He’s shooting the Divine Miss G for a Beauty Book, and… they talk about how great it is that he’s settled down with Martin… and then they take pictures of Kathy Griffin. That’s it. I think Mike is one of those reality star paradoxes that are interesting in person, but not on television. Sad… At least there’s Kathy to make this five minutes humorous. P.S. She looks great! Commercial!
We return to Nyasha’s model audition, and she is customarily rude to both her employees and her models. I can’t say I blame her about the models. I don’t know if she’s asking them to work for free or what, but I’ve seen way better looking women in the stock footage of this show. And of course one of them has to “create drama” by coming in, announcing she has another appointment, and this affords Nyasha to the opportunity to give this obviously older woman a lecture on etiquette and attitude. I think she should give lectures on self-defense, too. You NEVER HIT A WOMAN!!
The day ends, and no models are cast, so poor Nyasha is freaking out. Oh, good. I hope things go horribly!
Meanwhile, in Austin and Jake land, they’re scoping out spots for their vow renewal/anniversary. Austin’s happy to do it because it’ll finally allow both his and Jake’s families to meet and get to know each other. To that end, no shitty people (DEREK and NYASHA) will be invited.
Speaking of Derek and Nyasha, Ryan brings Derek to Nyasha’s office, to rehash the fashion show, but she ends up fake crying and breaking down because she’s just “really tired.” But then the boys make some gettin’ laid jokes, and all is well. Then everybody tries on some wigs they will maybe wear at the party, and all is well. It actually looks like total fun, if I liked anybody in the room. Commercial.
Embrace Your Hair promotes practical and attractive, if slightly alternative hair solutions for the modern Martian woman.
And we’re back! Nyasha begins her long journey to finding a boyfriend by meeting Derek and Rodiney out for drinks and making inappropriate comments about the other guests. Then she tells Rodiney that she’s obsessed with him and masturbates to his pictures. EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Rodiney is again uncomfortable, as am I, and finally the conversation moves onto Austin and the fashion show. Thank you, Derek. They all agree that Austin needs help, and Derek hilariously states that he tried to help Austin the train wreck for a year. Please. Remember how you said that you didn’t like your behavior when you were friends with Austin? You do realize that said shit-talking/disturbing behavior hasn’t changed, but the scenery has? Okay, just so we’re clear. All three douches agree that Austin is a scumball, and that since Reichen is the only person who’s still friends with him, there must be “something going on” between Reichen and Austin. Then Derek becomes bored with the conversation, and announces that they shouldn’t waste anymore time talking about Austin, even though he brought Austin up in the first place.
Thankfully, it’s onto Mike – did I really just say that? He and Martin are babysitting for a friend’s kids (who are super-cute – SHUT UP BIOLOGICAL CLOCK), and this leads to a conversation about Martin’s kids. He has a few from a previous relationship, but he and Mike don’t get to see them as much as they’d like. Sounds like there’s drama there, but fortunately for the sake of said kids and what is probably Martin’s ensuing legal battle, neither he nor Mike go into it onscreen. Again, I like Mike because he has integrity, but often, integrity does not equal interesting on television. God Bless America and our inevitable Roman downfall. Bring on the vomitoriums!!
Mike’s dad is there playing with the baby, when Ryan arrives and starts fawning all over the six-year-old girl. He walks in and squeals, “Nobody told me we had a princess here!” I’m so excited for Ryan’s inevitable appearance on “Toddlers and Tiaras” I can’t stand it. And he WILL appear – when Mike asks him if Ryan and his husband want kids, the answer is yes, but they’re going the surrogacy route, so it’ll take awhile. Why the hell aren’t they showing the surrogacy search on the show? I’m sure those girls’d be way cuter to look at than the fug models Nyasha interviewed. The boys play with the kids and giggle some more, but Martin just sits there and looks sad. That breaks my heart. What?
FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL, MARTIN.
Now it’s time for Reichen and Austin to go to the dentist. God, I can see why people think they’re a couple. Reichen’s there for, you guessed it, moral support while Austin gets his teeth whitened. But before I can even make a bad teeth Indiana joke, Austin does it for me. Saves me some time. This scene is actually HIGH-larious because the entire thing takes place while Austin has his mouth propped open and can’t speak.
I’d just start dropping shit in there when the nurse wasn’t looking.
Reichen asks if Austin is happy that Derek and Rodiney are friends, and Austin geniusly starts texting his answers. Supposedly the friendship isn’t an issue, but Austin IS sick of Derek not being around. Reichen isn’t nearly as much fun, what with being nice and all. Austin’s decided that appropriate course of action is to give Derek an ultimatum – they’re friends now or they never will be. Hahaha, Austin IS a total child sometimes. He had his moment of giving a shit about Derek’s feelings, but now he’s all, “Ugh, I’m DONE now! Can we just be friends again – I’m boooooored!!!” Riechen counsels Austin not on the TERRIBLE idea of friend ultimatums, but instead on the fact that Austin is an asshole when he’s friends with Derek. Austin protests that he’s improved his behavior this summer by a mile, and Reichen seems slightly pacified. After that, the conversation moves onto Jake and how he acts jealous around Reichen. Austin and Reichen both agree that they don’t have any feelings for each other and leave it at that. Uh, guys? Nobody thinks that you have real feelings for each other, they just think you wanna BOOOOOONE.
To solve this problem, after the commercial, Austin takes Reichen on a double date with Jake and their dancer friend Daniel. This goes about as well as you’d expect. Austin steals the attention from Reichen’s date by drinking heavily and flirting disgustingly with Reichen. He goes really far, and it’s kind of gross. Jake barely says a word the entire time, and looks like he’s about to throw a glove on the table and challenge Austin to a duel. What? He’s British and they fence! It’s not without the realm of possibility. When the date ends, Reichen interviews that if he were Jake, he’d have been piiiissed. No shit.
YOU DARE, SIR?
At Mike and Martin’s, Martin is breaking down about not being able to see his kids, and it turns out I was right. There is some sort of legal battle, and it’s preventing Martin from talking to anybody about the situation. He’s been holding it in too long, and Mike gives him a shoulder to cry on. They hold each other for awhile and Mike promises to be there for his partner. It’s very, very touching, and I wish we knew more about what was going on, because I think Martin would gain a lot of support. Not that that’d be good, necessarily, but man, he’s got a lonely road.
Back to fake problems – Jake and Austin are lying in bed, naked from the waste up for no apparent reason other than to show off their mediocre bodies. I doubt they’re post or pre-coitus considering the everyday nature of their conversation, so it’s like dough and sausage lying next to each other. Jake brings up how petty the drama is that’s going on, and makes me titter when he wonders aloud who will be coming to their Atlantic City Bachelor Party considering no one but Reichen is speaking to Austin currently. Ha! Jake offers to speak to Derek for Austin, and Austin agrees. THEN Austin decides to bring up how awesome Reichen is and Jake can barely hold back his mild-mannered rage. Jake brings up the date and how uncomfortable Austin made everybody, and Austin balks at the accusation of “flirting.” He completely flies off the handle and starts calling Jake stupid for even thinking that such a thing could have happened, and Jake, aghast leaves the bed telling Austin that no one’s gonna come to bachelor party and that he’d rather Derek be there, Austin’s worst enemy, than Reichen. Oh, Austin. You are so excellent at alienating people, it’s awesome.
Oooh, now it’s time for Nyasha’s party…
Boy, looks like fuuuuun.
Ryan arrives first with something on his head.
There’s some poor blond girl walking around New York wondering where the hell her ponytail went.
Rodiney, Reichen, and Derek arrive shortly after and joke about how terrible Nyasha’s cocktails are. Somebody mentions that they taste like Nyasha and Reichen and Rodiney start giggling like leeetle giiirls. Rodiney explains that Nyasha keeps talking about how she wants to have sex with him, and all he can imagine is getting rough in bed with her and ripping off her wig. Ha!! Damn, I like Rodiney. There, I said it. Dude is hilaaarious. Then T.J. arrives wearing a bow on his head that’s made out of hair my color – don’t worry, I checked, they didn’t get it from me. It looks so incredibly ridiculous, but I guess it’s a good thing Nyasha feels supported.
The boys joke that Nyasha’s late for her own party, Derek calls her high maintenance, and I love that there is not one single person at that table who is here for any other reason than to salivate over potential failure. Awesomely, when Nyasha does arrive and sees the gays, she interviews that real friends are friends who show up for important events. No, Girl. Friends are people who show up for your important events and do not make fun of you before you arrive. You have much to learn.
The party goes off without a hitch, aside from the fact that the fashion show features the most ridiculous headpieces I’ve ever seen. Thankfully, we don’t spend too much time there before it’s time for the afterparty. Nyasha hops into a giant limo with other members of her company and Ryan, T.J., Derek and Rodiney, sans Reichen. Everyone keeps telling Nyasha how great she is, and how good her music is, except for Rodiney, who’s busy… I don’t know, not talking? I do that at parties sometimes, too. I guess Nyasha doesn’t because she keeps bothering him, asking him what he’s doing and making fun of the fact that he’s wearing sunglasses at night. Ha! Fair. Then someone mentions that Nyasha should do some kind of duet with Reichen, and Nyasha has, out loud, the reaction I would have had privately, when she goes all, “HEEELLL no!” She snots that her music is not some “little project,” but actually a career she’s spent years building. Rodiney asks why she’s being so mean, and she claims she’s not. Rodiney starts doing something on his phone, and because she’s worried or because she literally cannot stand to have a single person within a three-foot radius not tuned into her, Nyasha asks him if he’s texting Reichen. Rodiney rolls his eyes and claims that he’s on Grinder. He pronounces it Green-der, though, so Nyasha thinks he’s talking about having a Greencard. The rest of the ride in the limo is pretty incomprehensible, but at least we have Derek there to provide us with the observation that things are tense.
After everyone gets out at the afterparty, Nyasha stays behind, and, surprise, surprise, so does Ryan. They talk about how immature everyone is and make plans to have lunch the next day to talk about everyone behind their backs. Inside, things don’t get much better. Rodiney wonders why Nyasha has to be such an asshole when Reichen and he have done nothing to her. Well, except sexually reject her – Danger Will Robinson! Rodiney decides to leave and says goodbye to Nyasha, who obnoxiously responds with, “Thaaank you, thank you for coming,” and not sounding the least bit sincere. Rodiney tells her that he came to support her and she’s only been rude to him. Proving that she’s completely incapable of hearing anything bad about herself, she just keeps saying “Thank you! Thank you! Goodbye!” Is that what they teach pageant girls? When someone is mean, say thank you? Creepy. Rodiney keeps trying to break through until Nyasha up and leaves her OWN party because she’s not going to let Rodiney ruin it. She takes her pageant blankie coach, Curtis, and leaves. Derek can’t believe that just happened, and just like me, thinks it’s fucking awesome.
Damn, I hope this means that the tables have started to turn agains this chick. I can’t keep watching her unless I get to see her downfall.
And look at this fucking outfit!