The A-List: Tragic Fatness

***Found this show late and fell in true love with it. You guys have asked for a couple of recaps, so here’s the finale! xo Previously, Fat Model Austin looked all cute and charming but turned out to be a total a hole with Lindsay Lohan just waking up in the AM voice.

Ryan, the sweetest shit stirrer of the bunch, put on some makeup and his best Huey Lewie and Dooey do and invited Fat Model to a liquid lunch to, well, stir the shit. Cuz that’s what she does. And I love it.

Sewer water is good for the skin.

Then Ryan called another lunch meeting to stir some more shit.

“Who’s spilling the tea?” LOL

No one, did spill the tea, though, so Ryan spilled it himself.

We only wanna go on that all expense paid trip to your family’s vacation home if you don’t bring your all expense paid whiner of a boyfriend with you. And I demand fresh sewer water to drink every morning. And a Tivo. I’ll bring fresh towels though cuz I’m a GIVER.

My friends all hate my boyfriend! What a condruminum! I can either A. Cry B. Write a song about it or C. Lift something really heavy to overcompensate for my (allegedly) tiny peen.

Then Fat Model got fatter right in front of our eyes. How does he do that? He needs water pills.

There’s one common factor in all our fights, Reichen! You keep dressing like a twenty year old in 1985. Also I’m always drunk, belligerent, and naked all the time.

But I was a twenty year old in 1985. So confused.

This is Rodiney, the boyfriend everyone hates. He doesn’t wanna go on the vacation with the mean little fat model queen who is trying to have sex with his boyfriend. TOTALLY UNREASONABLE.

I’m trying to understand you, Rodrod. I really am. But all I hear is weevil. Please learn to talk. You sound like Marlee Matlin trying to order a pizza on the phone. I’m trying to stir shit and can’t do it without communication. I wore a tight leather shirt for this meeting. Please don’t ruin it. Let me put it in language you can understand. If youa don’ta comea to Mainea, Gorda Modela with fucka your boyfrienda.

Snow? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

This is Derek. He pretty much just acts like a bitch and makes this face 100 times an episode.

Caught up? Great! Let’s get to the finale!!

Reichen, the “lead” of this cast (because he’s the most famous after dating Lance Bass which is sad on so many levels) has invited the girls to his family’s vacation home in Maine. Everyone used to hate Fat Model Austin (who’s been trying to bang Reich), but now for some inexplicable reason they all love him now and hate Rodiney, Reichen’s boyfriend. There was a lot of drama about who was gonna get to come on the trip, but they’re all here now, and that’s what’s important. And by important I mean it’s not important at all. Which is why I am in love with this show.

Rodiney starts the first morning off by ingratiating himself to everyone trying to enjoy their time away from the city.

I’d threaten to shove that thing up your ass, but I wouldn’t want you to get all codependent with it and expect it to support you.

Because you would hate me if I didn’t post this.

Derek has made his scrunchy bitch face so much that he wakes up with a cover for his forehead to hide the cracks. He’s dressed in a woman’s robe, because it’s important that he’s as gay as possible at all times so he doesn’t have to do the reading required for an actual personality.

This getup guards against people who want to talk about socio-economics or Tolstoy.

His friend to the end, TJ, comes down in something just as brain flattering.

Because just being a guy that no dude wants to fuck is too easy. A binonsexual.

Now I feel horrible for calling TJ a guy that no one wants to fuck because I kinda love him. Which is why I should never recap this show. Too late! Sorry TJ! Reichen? Looks horrified. And whoreified.

My grandmother eats in this kitchen.

Rodiney laughs, though, and that doesn’t happen often among this crew. PS can someone please show Rodiney how to spell his randomly chosen American name? Thnx. Supposedly, Rodiney and Austin shook hands and made up last night upon arrival, but Rodiney’s already starting with the dirty looks. To be fair, Austin asked how he wanted his eggs and that could be taken many different ways to someone new to this country.

You ees cunt legs too hokay?

Derek is wearing a peace sign. LOL. Ironically, I presume. Cuz the last thing that kid wants is peace. Unless he’s literally talking about the wars. Which you know he has no idea are even raging. He says “I’m a total hippie here. I just wanna be happy. It’s all I ever wanted my whole life!” Is that ringing completely hollow to anyone else? The funnest thing about Derek is you can’t ever tell if he’s kidding or not. He clears it up in the cumfessional.

“What I want for breakfast is a big helping of Austin bitch slapping Rodiney.”

Thank God. I was worried there for a second. Time to jet ski! Damn. Reichen’s family knows how to live on the lake! Is it wrong that I’m pissed off at my parents for not having a lake house with jet skis for me to bring drag queens and fat models to? I can’t help it. This could be me:

But without the leg lifting. Or the hanging on. I just want to sit down, which I guess I can do at home. Still, I’m mad at my parents. I don’t even know why any more. Because it’s holiday time?

Derek is pissed because Rodiney whistled them all in after fifteen minutes so he and Reichen could go on a romantic ride. TJ waves his finger around and tells them they better hurry, then bitches about them the whole time they’re out and complains about how he’s being treated as a guest. Chigga please! You can get them back when you invite them for a free vacation at your giant home in Maine. Oh that’s right. You’s po! Poor people? Have no manners. I just burped and farted at the same time, so I know of what I speak.

I will get revenge by blinding them with my pastiness.

The boys all join in, and Derek says that Reichen doesn’t trust him on the same jet ski as him, just like he doesn’t trust him with anything else. That doesn’t make much sense, but everyone titters anyway because that’s what they do. They’re like birds. You don’t really ever get what the fuck they’re talking about, but you know they’re communicating cuz they whistle annoyingly and always seem to know just when to shit on your head. During all of this, Austin just stares at his cellphone. How does he even have a cell phone without a boyfriend to pay the bill? That shit is probably still on the AT&T welcome screen.

Derek adds that Rodiney should do like he always does: grab from behind and pray he makes some money off of it. LOL. These boys are so hateful. I want to befriend them. Derek keeps on about how Rodiney “shouldn’t even BE here.” Um, something that no one has taught these queens is that the wife trumps the friends. Every. Time. I don’t care if it’s a hetero relationship or not. Dem’s da rules. If you don’t like it, get your own boyfriend. Then you can make your friends uncomfortable with his mush mouthed whining and even the score. Until then, enjoy your free trip and steal some silverware like a good, normal friend.

Rodiney and Reichen go shopping and come back with a head of cabbage that Rodiney wants to make a salad with. This offends Austin, cuz salads aren’t supposed to be made with cabbage. Shut up Fat Model, and stop pretending you know what’s in salad. Rodiney tells him he doesn’t have to eat it if he doesn’t like it, and dramatic music plays as Fat Model starts his gravelly yipping about how cabbage in salads is fucked up. I hope someone calls Wolfgang Puck and tells him how ashamed of himself he should be right now.

This isn’t jail.

Rodrod argues that he knows Americans eat their goal zlaw wid gabbage. Yes, but we put mayo in that, and I know there’s no way in hell Reichen allowed that into the shopping cart. Oh God now I’m getting involved in the salad fight. MAKE IT STOP. Ryan gets uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable I mean he’s mad that no one’s thrown a drink or a punch yet. He takes Fat Austin outside and plans to force a talk during lunch. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll gang up on Rod and circumcise him. But that takes practice.

I wouldn’t fuck with him.

Austin’s runs his apology to Rodiney by Ryan: You’re a fucking retard and I’m sorry I hate you. Well, what are you expecting? Rodiney could solve all of this with a pizza order and a frozen snickers bar. Fat people are notoriously easy to please. I dated an openly hostile, super hairy backed old guy once. You know why? Cuz he drove an ice cream truck for a living. Listen and learn, Rodiney!

Ryan mom talks him into being nice because they have lives and have chosen to spend this time together. “I could be with my husband right now. Derek could be working and making money. TJ could be in Ogunquit, Maine on his knees…”

LOLOLOLLLL

Um, first off, I think you’re like the only one with a life outside this show, and second, you’re the one who forced Rodiney to come in the first place. This is your fault! But no one’s there to mom talk Ryan. Jesus is there, though. Isn’t he always?

Fat Model says that he will try to work it out, which means he will do what he always does.

In the kitchen, Rodiney is trying to figure out how to cut the cabbage while Reichen laughs and says he’s only making the salad because Austin said he can’t make salad with cabbage. Or maybe it’s because you guys went to the store and bought CABBAGE, you fucking tool. Reichen always chooses sides in these stupid fights, and it’s always, without fail, the wrong one. He’s lucky Rodiney doesn’t know how to use that knife. Austin comes in and says he’s gonna go swim in the river, and Reichen is offended that he’s ruining lunch. Then they start whining at each other and Austin says he’s super uncomfortable. Well, there’s a cure for that.

That’s like five hundred calories in under five minutes, Fat Model. Someone get this bitch a meth habit.

He doesn’t know how long he’ll be on the lake, so he decides to pack for his stay.

I often wonder why Reichen doesn’t tell his friends to mind their own business. And why does he hang out with the compulsive liar drunk fattie in the first place? I think this shot sums up an answer pretty nicely.

It’s just so haaard on meeeee.

Austin does go jump in the lake, but there’s no one around so he keeps his swimsuit on. He’s not in long, though, cuz there’s food being served and you know he’s not gonna miss that. He’s at the table before the food’s even out. He walks right up to the cabbage salad, tastes it, and spits it out. Dude, you’re a fucking GUEST in someone’s home and they just paid for yet another meal and that entire cooler of beer you just drank. You’re never gonna nab another rich guy to fuck over if you keep acting like such a Neanderthal. That might have been ok when you were thin, but fat people have different standards in society. As Laura Linney put it to Precious in “The Big C”: “You can’t be fat and mean.”

The boys gather at the table and Ryan starts by thanking Reich for the nice vacay and the meal. He’s way too polite to be on this show. Austin follows that up by bitching about the mashed potatoes being made with half and half instead of milk. How trailer is this bitch? Seriously. TJ tells him to shut the fuck up or make something his damn self. YAY TJ. Austin asks wtf Rodiney made, and Rod says it’s some Portugese name. Austin replies “well I’m sorry cuz I’d never heard of it.” No one’s shocked that Austin is ignorant, and Reichen nudges Rod and says “see? He said he’s sorry!” No he didn’t. He basically just said “sorry people in your country eat nasty shit.” Stupid Reichen.

Ryan asks Rodiney and Austin if they could please go talk privately and work this out so they don’t make everyone uncomfortable. LOL. Puhleeze. What else are you gonna do? There’s no TV. Rodiney stays quiet and Austin basically says um no. Ryan assures us that when he has babies they won’t be as spoiled as these brats. That’s what they all say. Do you think Austin’s mother got knocked up and said to herself “Inside me I’ve got a using, abusing, stupid fat brat who will never accomplish anything in life but fucking famous people and being a horrid human being on a reality show that costs like five dollars to make”? No. They just come out that way. You can’t pick your children. But you can put them up for adoption.

Ryan lifts his brows and asks Rod if he has anything to say, so Rod apologizes for throwing a drink in Austin’s face but he just did it cuz he was drunk and belligerent and before that night he had nothing to say about him. Austin replies with a curt “I apologize for my reaction.” What, no apology for screaming about what a loser Rodiney was and how everyone hates him and Reichen should dump his stupid ass? I’m shocked. SHOCKED. Rodiney says that he will apologize and be an adult, but he doesn’t feel the need to be friends with Austin.

Austin pipes up and says that they’re not a happy couple and it’s hard to see such a good friend being hurt like that. LOL. WTF are you even talking about? Everyone knows you wanna bang Reichen, cuz in addition to lying about fucking him already you TELL THEM over and over again. You just look pathetic. Put on some sleeves, at least.

So let’s add this up. Rodiney apologized, Austin slammed him. Let’s guess whose side Reichen’s on. Duh. He says that Austin’s a jerk but so is Rodiney and Reichen and Rodiney have both agreed with Austin’s opinion of their relationship at one point or another. DAMN! Ryan is so disturbed by that one that he temporarily releases his neck muscles.

Austin rides that wave and says that he’s agreed before and it’s just not right they don’t break up. Reichen says maybe they should have stayed broken up after all. This guy couldn’t be more of a pussy right now if he had a labia for a mouth. Rodiney should get up and leave and never look back. But that would require getting a job and supporting himself. Never mind! Stay there and take it like a man, ya loafer!

They decide to just all agree that Reichen and Rodiney shouldn’t be together and leave it at that. Cheers! What kind of fucked up relationship is this? Good lord.

Glad to see Austin got a fresh beer out of this, at least.

And now we get to check in with Mike! YAYAWN. Mike seems to be under the impression that he’s on this show to be a cute, sweet, kind person. BORING. What do you wanna bet he won’t be back for season two? He didn’t go to Maine cuz he’s been working on an event honoring his friend Vanessa Williams. It’s called the Trevor Project, and it’s a foundation to stop gay kids from committing suicide. What the hell? How do they do they do that? Send plastic utensils to parents of effeminate kids? I’m not suggesting that gay kids kill themselves or anything, I’m just trying to figure out how this works. That kid looks sad and gay. Send him an easy bake oven he can’t fit his head inside and a nice note from Chita Rivera’s replacement in Kiss of the Spider Woman.

Some very important gay publications are at his event. You can tell they’re important cuz Mike has to pretend a cell phone is a mic.

Nice answer. But the question was TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.

Back in in Maine. Austin’s naked and in the river. Because there are people around to see. He’s like that tree in the forest who finally gets an audience. Falling over and over again just because people can hear him. The boys are all atwitter, saying the Reichen’s eyes are glued to the fat model. I think Rod has a way better grasp of the situation. He tells us that he just doesn’t get why Austin is always naked, because if he was Austin

Austin tries as hard as he can to get a boner out of Reichen by floating his ass by him and then putting his junk in his face as he gets out of the water. Poor Austin. The dude is in an open relationship and still won’t fuck you. He wouldn’t even fuck you when he was broken up with his bfriend and you crawled into bed with him. GIVE IT UP.

Clearance rack!

It’s night now. Ryan has some alone time with Reich, who says that he’s frustrated with his relationship but he’s grown to love Rod more and more by the day. Meanwhile, Austin is over at the grill (because where else would he be, really?) with TJ, saying that Reichen agreed with everything he said and will be breaking up with Rodiney “shortly”. This is just getting sad. Ryan asks Reichen how long he’s ever gone being single. Two months in eight years!!! DAMN! That’s fascinating at all, but I wish Ryan had asked what’s the longest amount of time Reichen’s gone without wearing that terrible shirt with the upturned collar.

Same answer.

Reich says that he should probably break up with Rodiney but he likes knowing that he’s the only person in the world that can put up with “his challenges”. LOL. Ryan points out that that’s selfish of him, but Reichen doesn’t get it. Add that to the list. It might also be because Reichen’s finally the star and breadwinner in a relationship and it’s nice to have a mute on his arm at big parties instead of some boyband queen obsessed with buying donut shops and flying to the moon. Do you know how nice it can be just not having to converse?

Dinner time! Austin did the grilling, so people might get food poisoning but at least he won’t bitch about the food. It starts off calmly. Ryan talks about his gay marriage and explains the logistics of getting married somewhere else and still being legally recognized in NY. No one seems to understand, so he explains that his marriage is legit cuz  he puts on his makeup in front of his man and doesn’t pretend his lashes are natural. That’s all you had to say.

All this talk of marriage (and like seventy something beers) makes Fat Model cry. Then SOB. LOLOLOLLL Stupid drunk bitch.

He probably thinks this is a Mercedes logo.

He starts slurring about how he’s so sorry about what he’s done to Reichen and Rodiney and it’s unfair that he’s coming between something so fantastic. LOL.

Austin takes a breath, and then starts sobbing harder and smoker choking about how sorry he is for being horrible and how wonderful gay love is. Oh man. This is such a wreck. Reichen looks like “oh fuck. Now he’s telling me to be with Rodiney. I guess I should be with Rodiney.” Stupid Reichen. How many times do I have to type that in one recap? Rodiney, on the other hand, knows who he’s dealing with. “Theez eez boolcheet!” Kinda loving him today. He hugs Austin anyway and it’s all over. Derek gets everyone but the fucked up couple the hell out of there cuz he can’t stand to watch Reichen and Rodiney start blubbering and breaking up again too. He says it’s like watching your dog barf, eat the barf, then barf again. HAHA.

Reich tells Rodiney that it’s too stressful trying to protect him from this shit. He doesn’t get more specific than that, but I haven’t seen him try to protect Rodiney from anything ever so I have no idea what he’s talking about. He’s sick of trying to make Rodiney happy. Then he cries. What. A. WUSS. Rodiney just stays silent, but tells us that he’s annoyed that Reich still can’t see that Austin’s a fake friend. I want to be on Rodiney’s side, but he’s kind of a whiny user so ?? They’re all ridiculous. Which is why they should win an Emmy.

The next morning, Austin is back to normal. He says his apology was just centered around

interjecting his bs into their relationship, but he still hates Rodiney. Shocker. Then he downs a bucket of fried chicken and burps. TJ is offended that the hosts were so into each other and suggests they write a note that says kisses, fuck off. Thanks for your contribution to this weekend, TJ. You made it possible for people to wear sunglasses at all times without looking like dbags. Don’t you have something to FILE? Rodiney is choor dat once day eez away from deez lages, day weel be fine. In English, he doesn’t plan on getting his resume typed up any time soon. Trip over! Everyone’s miserable by the end. Speaking of misery, remember that song Reichen recorded? The engineers are in the studio trying to work some magic on it.

You need a better wand. Here’s a match.

You guys, words can’t describe how fucking terrible he is. He makes Kermit the Frog sound like Xtina. True to form, though, Reichen is completely clueless. “There are some points I definitely go off pitch, but….” If all the points you went off pitch were put onto a piece of cloth, you’d have a needlework sampler.

You should never feel confident about your single if your producer has this face through the whole meeting: Now I know this sounds like I’m sticking up for Reichen here, which after all the whining crying and sexts sounds lame, but this producer? As terrible as Reichen. It’s supposed to be some nice sweet song about being openly gay in the military or something and it’s got a little casio keyboard beat chickychickying along. It sounds like the track to a cellphone game. If anything, this is going to keep more military people closeted. No one’s gonna wanna be gay if they know people are gonna have this crap playing in their heads every time they see them at the base. The producer knows Reich is terrible, and doesn’t really hide it. Reichen wants to sing this shit live, which is amazing. He’s throwing a whole party around his big debut. Sugar, just take stuff off and shhhhh, k? Some people weren’t meant to…well, do anything. Just do nothing. Ever. That’s my advice. PS I exclude working out from that, obvs.

You on the other hand…

Austin goes to meet his possible maybe if he tries real hard modeling agent, otherwise known as the first guy who called him fat.

If you’re meeting with your fat client, maybe you should do it somewhere other than a restaurant. Maybe a hike or something. Or a bathroom stall. You can just stand there and berate him while he throws up and promises to make you money.

Austin complains about how tired he is for awhile. From what? Who knows. It’s Austin. Walking up the stairs probably did it. He’s got his portfolio on his iPad, which leads to the question…who’s giving him money? You know the paycheck on this show is a ValuPak and some TicTacs. The first thing Agent says is

LOL

Austin knows those pics are shit, he’s already been told. So why is he putting himself through this? Not wanting to be called fat while I am trying to binge is why I only go back home in emergency situations. You can call me fat on the phone, MOTHER. Fat Model knows he’s fat, but there’s gotta be some kind of work he can do! Can’t you get him into a Macy’s catalogue or something? No, because they are using high fashion models now. LOLOLOLLLL THEY ARE NOT! Give me a break. Is there one competent person on this show? That agent is terrible. Get him some jobs in wank mags, take your ten percent, and stop lying you douche. He’s stuck on the “you’re fat” thing, so Austin fesses up.

Yes, he’s fat. But he’s fat because he’s had a really hard summer doing NOTHING but lying about fucking dudes he barely knows to make Marc Jacobs regret kicking him out on the street for being a lying cheating little rascal. Besides, at the end of the day, he likes food. AMEN!!! FINALLY! As he says it, a light comes on behind his ratty eyes like it’s the first time he’s allowed himself to say that out loud. Welcome to FREEDOM, SUGA!

I CHOOSE LIFE!

They laugh and smile at each other fondly, because they finally have something in common. Fat Model yammers on about how wonderful his relationship is and how he’s been concentrating so hard on that he hasn’t had time for anything else. Dude, you’ve seen your bfriend like two days out of the entire season. He lies so much he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Agent basically tells him that wanting to be happy isn’t a bad thing, but being fat is so maybe he should just give up his dreams and get out of the country to be with his boyfriend before he gets stoned in the streets by a pack of angry homos. If he were a real friend (which, granted, he never claimed to be), he would tell Austin to go to night classes to learn plumbing or something. The boy needs some learnin’. So the seed is planted. Leave town, fatty.

Austin agrees that it might be time to go. “I feel like a lost shepherd.” LOL.

God I love my job. Spell something! Spell something!

Ryan has invited TJ over to tell him that he and hubby have an appointment with the surrogacy councilor! He’s gonna be a Momaddy! TJ cries cuz he’s gonna be a gunkle. HAHA. That’s so cute. I want a reality show spinoff on just that. Ryan breastfeeding. GO.

Austin goes to see Derek, claiming that he just went to the gym and then downed a protein shake. Derek: I’ll bet you did. HAHAHAHAH. They sit around and bitch about how much they hate Rodiney and Reichen and then Fatty announces that he’s going to England and not coming back. Derek scrunches his face and supports the decision. He considers Fatty his new best friend, even though he can’t explain how that happened. I’ll tell you! You’re both shallow bitchy pushy black hearted little queens and birds of a feather get bb gunned together. They laugh about Reichen’s singing debut and then try to figure out what acapella means. Austin thinks it means “with electricity”, and Derek doesn’t even take a guess. Instead of trekking all the way to the library and trying to investigate this new mysterious word, they decide they’ll go to Reichen’s show together and be as evil as possible. Which won’t be hard cuz we’ve already heard the song.

Time for the big night! The guests are gathered and they are doing their best to prepare for the ear fuck they’re about to receive.

Derek, TJ, and Fat Ex Model come in bitching about how awkward and awful this is. Fatty tells us that tonight is Reichen’s premiere as a pop star, “because he doesn’t have enough careers that he’s tragic at.” Bwahahahah. He’s a bitch, but he’s not always wrong. Derek doesn’t even wanna say hi to Reichen. Then just fucking go home already, Derek, Jesus. Cuddle up to that DVR while you surf online for the next loser to dump you while you’re trying to introduce him to your mother WAY TOO SOON. I feel for him sometimes, cuz his horrid demeanor probably comes from insecurity. But cockroaches feel insecure when you turn the kitchen lights on and you still step on them. They’re cockroaches.

As Austin talks to Reichen all fakely, Rodiney comes up to introduce some random queens loudly as “two real friends!” He’s such a dumbass. Just let it go, girl! You’ve already proven you’re no match for the bitches. Just shut up and look pretty so we can be on your side. Really trying here. Fatty and Austin make fun of Mike as he walks in in a trench coat. I’m sure he’ll be super hurt by that. After he takes the time to remember their names. Rodiney comes up to Derek and says hi and it was rude to not say hi to the host. HA. Derek and Fatty go outside and talk about how they hate everyone but each other. Ridonk. So much in common. They both drink, smoke, and will be alone forever.

Ryan shows up and is super disappointed that he wasn’t late enough to miss the song. HAHAHAHAH. I love him so much. Reich takes the stage and can’t start cuz he can’t find his pick. I’m surprised Fatty didn’t make a comment about how he couldn’t find his prick either. Reich gives a speech about why he’s torturing everyone with his terrible song, and we’re off! It’s…even more terrible this time. Reich sweats like a crackhead. “She’s earth, and air, and fire and water.” DEEP. TJ knows the song sucks, but he can’t help but imagine Reich naked singing to their children. HA.

Austin tells us how “tragic” it is, because he’s trying to bring the late nineties back as hard as he can. You can say tragic all you want, but you’re waistline is still in 2010. He goes up to Reich, hugs him, and tells him that the song meant a lot to him cuz he’s from a military family and Reich was fantastic and he really really means it. Then he goes to sit in the lisp pit and talks about what pure utter shit it was. Loudly enough for Reichen to hear him.

Reichen takes him into the wine cellar to tell him off for being a compulsive liar and a bitchy queen. Austin says that there’s no way he’s said anything mean and he’s not the type of person to look him in the eye and lie. Fatty knows this is being taped, right? “I never lie to anyone about anything!” HA. Reichen accuses him of telling everyone they’ve fucked and Reichen has a tiny one and Austin denies it all. Then he starts bitching about how the only reason they are fighting is because his relationship with Rodiney sucks. Instead of slapping him and telling him to leave, Reich softens and says that he loves Rodiney. Dude, grow a pair. This isn’t about Rod. This is about compulsive lying. Stupid Reichen can’t even fight well. What is the point of him? Fatty says they can be friends again when Reich is done with Rodrod. Reich looks upset. Um, we can be friends again when you stop lying about me, stop attacking me in public, lose twenty pounds, learn words, and lose twenty pounds. I know I said that twice. I meant forty the first time but I was too lazy to go back. In the car on the way home, Reichen whines about how mean Austin was to him and then apologizes to Rodiney for not always being on his side. How nice of you to realize you’re a jerk when you’re the one being attacked for no reason. Well, not no reason. That shitty song is plenty of reason, but you know what I mean. Rodiney says it’s a little late but he’ll take it. These two never would have had problems with the bitches if they hadn’t talked their ears off about each other in the first place. But whatever. I can’t apply normal social rules to this show. You can’t take in a migrant worker in front of Homo Depot to clean your house and then act all surprised that your DVR is full by the end of the week with Christina! reruns. The season ends pretty much as it began. Rodiney and Reichen are annoying and boring together and the other boys are wasted, hooting and hollering, and encouraging fatness.

This show was really really fun to watch. I haven’t enjoyed a sitcom this much since The Nanny, and I’m pissed that I found it so late in the game. I saw the billboard for it when it premiered, but I told myself that I didn’t need to fill my life with any more mean, trashy, gays so I skipped it. Turns out mean trashy gays make me feel like a good person. A good, THIN person.

Thanks for reading! I will be back next week with a rundown on the reunion. It’s gonna be amazing. Ly embarrassing for everyone involved. YAAAAY!