Previously: everyone got together to discuss Austin’s is a violent drunkenness, and listen to Rodiney say “He put me in DANGERS!” over and over again. Reichen was lonely, Nyasha was pointless and obnoxious, and Ryan sweetly fired T.J. because their friendship wasn’t going to be able to survive T.J.’s incompetence. This episode is almost entirely focused on talking about last episode – which is GREAT for a recapper let me tell you. There’s going to be a lot of “Austin said…” then “Ryan said…” then “Reichen cried…” and blah, blah, blah. Apologies in advance!
We open on a blissful Austin and Jake, as they ride on horseback through the Hamptons and picnic on the beach, fulfilling their fantasies as well as those of a few viewers, I’d wager.
This puts Ralph Lauren ads into a whole new light for me…
They’re pretty adorable, and Austin interviews that he’s glad to get away from the city and spend time with someone who isn’t stabbing him in the back or trying to file a restraining order. But as they’re sipping their MGD 64s on the beach, Jake brings up Rodiney and kind of spoils the mood. He asks Austin if the Indianan could at least be cordial to the Brazilian, and Austin swears that he’s not going to start anything. However, if Rodiney starts something with Austin, by, you know, being in the room or something, shit’s gonna go down.
If you’re arrested, do I get deported?
Meanwhile, back at steel and concrete ranch that is the city, Derek and Ryan are going shopping. Ryan’s not one for yoga, he interviews, but shopping centers him. Agreed. It’s very centering to buy pretty things to not only make you prettier but to act as outward symbols to everyone else that you are wealthy and successful.
That’s why rich people are so pretty all the time!
Derek interviews that he’s upset more of Austin’s “friends” didn’t stand up for him at the “Austin is DANGERS!” meeting. Both men are composed and reserved, and the conversation is actually really civil. Derek feels that as a man who’s let Austin stay at his house, and acted as a mentor towards, Ryan could have stepped up more. Ryan, as seriously as one can in a pair of bright red satin pants, admits that he could have stepped up more, but he’s sick of covering Austin’s bullshit. Also, were he confronted physically twice by someone, he’d seriously consider legal action as well. I can’t really fault him for that, and neither can Derek. The very civil and reasonable conversation comes to a very civil and reasonable end. It’s weird.
In between all of this, Rodiney, who doesn’t actually appear in this episode except in interviews, interviews that something about how Ryan was on Austin’s side last summer, Derek he does not trust as far he can throw, and now the bitches all his friends. I wouldn’t really go that far… I think it’s more that while Austin is probably way more fun and way less weepy to hang out with than you, drunken violence is a buzzkill 90% of the time.
A win by default is no win at all…
The next day, or the next wardrobe change, finds Derek, Austin and Jake ADORABLY getting Botox together. Derek’s British man friend, Duncan, is coming into town, so it’s necessary that the already wrinkle-less Derek take no chances. Botulism it is! Jake and Austin tease Derek about the needles, and Derek could seriously pass for a girl when he whines “seriously, you guys, stooooop!” It’s hilarious. But not as hilarious as a) Austin getting it his armpits to stop sweating and b) screaming like a wounded cat, “Is that POISON?” when Dr. Cohen MD starts sticking his pits.
While Derek and Jake are getting their treatments, Austin announces that he’s going to throw an “I Can Drink and Not Get Crazy” cocktail party, so he can prove to his friends and himself that he’s not always a total mess when there’s booze around, and that Rodiney is really his problem. Please, Homey. Being from Indiana is your problem. I can say this because I’m from Ohio, but growing up gay in southern Indiana almost guarantees you professional barfight status. Indiana has the largest concentration of Ku Klux Klan members in America, so we’re pretty lucky Austin hasn’t hit HIMSELF in the face, much less Rodiney. Derek mentions something about not having alcohol at the party, but Austin dismisses that shit faster than (INSERT INDY 500 JOKE HERE). This should be interesting.
Bitch, I’m drunk right now!
We return from commercial to find Reichen and Mike working out and talking. Reichen’s going to Hawaii to host a party during a charity event, and there’s a man he knows who’s going to be there at the same time. I’d say he was attracted to this guy, or they’d flirted in the past, but literally all Reichen says about him is that they’ve met and chatted. Doesn’t really do a lot for Reichen’s image as a total manwhore, but it makes me titter. Mike raises his eyebrows up to the ceiling of the weirdass solarium they appear to be working out in, and answers with a firm, “YES.” when Reichen asks if it’s too soon to date. Reichen agrees and admits that he wants to stay single for awhile. Hey Reichen – staying single does NOT mean you can’t get laid whenever you want. I’m not sure why you’re having this conversation at all. Mike recounts his long era of singledom before he met Martin, and now the two are blissful. Reichen interviews that he wants what Mike has – a partnership that exudes the kind of “cool love” Mike and Martin share. I don’t know, the whole thing was pretty inarticulate, but from what I can gather, Reichen wants to settle down.
Hilariously, throughout the whole thing, Ryan and Derek are interviewing about how the odds are 14,000,000,000 to .0000001 that Reichen will stay single for any significant length of time.
There’s about as much chance of that as there is of seeing Ryan drive himself to work.
We head over to what appears to be Central Park to meet Ryan and Austin. Austin asks Ryan about the meeting with Rodiney and confronts his mentor about not having his back. Ryan admits that Derek was Austin’s cheerleader in the meeting, but explains that Derek did agree with Ryan on a few points. This ticks Austin off, but to his credit, he puts a pin in it, and refocuses on Ryan. The two discuss Austin’s lame idea that it’s Rodiney who causes the crazy when there’s alcohol involved, and Ryan’s eyes nearly roll out of his head. He sweetly informs his former mentee that it’s folly to put bad behavior and drinking on another person and not take responsibility for one’s own actions. Austin listens and agrees, but still insists that he can be a fun drunk and invites Ryan to the cocktail party. Ryan agrees to come, I think, but still insists that every time Austin gets drunk, regardless of Rodiney’s presence, something explodes. He actually says, “I’m not gonna co-sign your bullshit,” and I can’t decide if I love that or think it’s one of the lamest things I’ve heard in my life. I’m totally on the fence.
To Ryan’s credit, he says to Austin’s face what he said to Derek’s, which is that, had Austin physically assaulted HIM twice, Ryan would have gotten the law involved as well. Austin nods and even reveals that he told Rodiney that things would probably remain copacetic if there was a legal document keeping the two apart. The conversation ends with both men having calmly communicated and Austin interviewing that while Ryan said a few things that were hard to hear, the older man really does have his back.
Ooooooh! It’s time for the DATE! The HORRIBLE, no good, very bad date. I actually didn’t think the date was that bad, but Derek certainly did, and the event was edited so poorly and NOT in Duncan’s favor that it was kind of hard to come up with an independent position.
Anyway, Derek’s looking for love and he won’t settle for anything but the best! Things begin well enough. Duncan is complimentary and sweet – he tells his date that Derek has brought a lot of joy into a life in which there was very little. I’m mid “Awwww!” when Duncan breaks out the Cartier watch. It looks like things can’t go wrong – Derek has received compliments and gifts from a rich man. It’d be pretty hard to turn me against someone who bestowed such luxuries in the first five minutes of a date. But, alas, it’s downhill from there. Duncan starts kind of insisting that Derek move to LA very, very soon, and refers to the other man as his boyfriend. He also reveals that he deleted all of his online dating accounts (of which there are MANY) when he and Derek started seeing each other. Derek immediately interviews that some brakes need to be applied to this situation right quick, and I kind of agree. I wish that were the only problem between the two at this point. But then Duncan, sensing things are going south, and obviously having used up all his charm in the first five minutes of the date, resorts to gross humor to get Derek back to where he wants him.
It doesn’t go well.
When Derek objects to the term, “boyfriend,” Duncan immediately agrees and suggests they use the term “friend with benefits.” Immediately skeeved out, Derek wonders aloud at how appropriate it WOULDN’T be to introduce Duncan to his family as his friend with benefits. And this is where I put it a little on Derek – the man can’t call you his boyfriend, so what do you want? I have a feeling “partner” isn’t up your alley either, and I’ll be damned if any of us would want to introduce a significant other (also unacceptable labeling) to our parents as “my lover.” Throw the man a bone already! After that, it’s a series of snot and pimple jokes about Derek’s food (oh yeah – did you all see the man mime popping a zit onto Derek’s plate?), hamhanded attempts to get Derek to go home with him, and lots of one-sided laughter. Derek interviews that the date hasn’t gone at all as he expected, how deeply disappointed he is to be sitting across from a gross old man, and how he wants nothing more than for the date to be over.
At this point, I can’t say I blame him.
Okay, from that last paragraph, it may not seem as though the date was that heavily edited, but stay with me on this – I’ll explain later.
Back from commercial and oh good, it’s time to hear more of Nyasha sing. I am literally choking on my own sarcasm. She’s in a studio recording a dance mix that isn’t bad, but really? What overproduced dance music IS bad?
The bar? Not so high…
She jumps around and dances to her own music for a minute, then T.J. shows up and I can breathe again knowing I won’t have to spend five minutes alone watching the Nyasha Show (eeny-meeny-miny-mo). Apparently Nyasha invited him because he’s “real,” and will tell her the truth. Boy, if that is not the biggest pile of stinky, stinky crap that’s come out of her mouth yet. I love T.J. I’m friends with many men like T.J. One of the reasons I am friends with them is that 90% of what they say to me is complimentary. Girl, you just wanted some good ol’ gay love, and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. Just be honest. Oh, wait. You don’t have time – you have a company to run.
Of course T.J. listens to her track and his head is so far up her ass it’s hard to even tell it’s him at one point. Apparently her song has a great hook and she’ll have the gays bee-boppin’ to it all night long. And that’s a good thing because they are, of course, her main demographic. I don’t see a boyfriend in Nyasha’s future for a long, LONG time…
Back on Team Austin, Austin heads to his friend, “Celebrity Stylist Philip Block’s” house. Christ on a cracker, THAT ISN’T HOW YOU INTRODUCE YOUR FRIENDS. He wants to talk about the Playgirl shoot and get a more objective opinion. At first glance, Philip kind of looks like a methhead Eminem wannabe, but then he opens his mouth and it is AWESOME.
I know you don’t want to take him seriously, but give it a try. It’s totally worth it.
He’s got this great New York accent and despite his outfit, this man has been around the fucking block and he knows what he’s talking about. He puts Ryan’s professionalism to shame, and there isn’t an ounce of immaturity or insecurity on him. He’s like a foul-mouthed Tim Gunn and I want to be his friend. Their conversation is hilarious. He calls Austin out on every. Single. Dumbass. Thing. He. Says. And there are many, from Austin’s revelation that he took his pants off for a test shoot (HUGE NO-NO) to his insistence that Playgirl really could be a platform for launching a global campaign for Binational Couple Awareness. And again, to Austin’s eternal credit, he listens respectfully and owns up to it when his bullshit is laid out in front of him. Please enjoy this dramatic recreation:
1. ”You took your pants off for the test shoot?” “Yes…” “Stupid.” “I know.”
2. ”You want to do Playgirl to raise awareness about binational gay couples?” “Yes…” “Stupid.” “I know.”
3. ”Your husband is okay with this?” “Kind of…” “Stupid.” “I know.”
4. ”You think this is going to help your career?” “Yeah…” “It won’t.” “I know.”
The things I didn’t like about this scene were the interviews by Nyasha and Ryan that were thrown in, with both of them insisting (BITCHILY) that Austin isn’t in shape enough to do Playgirl. Ryan compares him to Reichen and Rodiney and later calls him the Pillsbury Doughboy, and Nyasha obnoxiously insists that if Austin can do Playgirl, her hair’s real, she can play for the NFL and her boyfriend’s Brad Pitt. But see, Nyasha and Ryan, Austin submitted pictures, did a test shoot, and Playgirl IS GIVING HIM THE COVER. I’m not saying he’s Mr. Universe, but the good folks at Playgirl do not make their living putting unattractive folk in their centerfolds. Also, Reichen and Rodiney to me are the equivalent of Jenna Jameson to some guys – unattainable and unrealistic. Austin may not be as cut, but a) he knows it, and b) it’s not like people are turning to stone when they look at him. Stop being so bitchy!
Channel the Bloch.
We move onto Derek, and remember when I said that the date was poorly edited and I’d get to explaining why I think that later? Well, here it is. Derek meets his assistant, Gina, at the Riverview Café to dish about the date “from hell.” Apparently, the date was so horrible that afterward Derek decided that he wanted nothing to do with Duncan whatsoever. That same night, he met Jake and Austin out for drinks to vent, but, as luck would have it, Duncan walked into the same bar. Derek grabbed his stuff and just walked out, but Jake and Austin stayed, and made great friends with Duncan over the Brit connection (which, to be fair, is strong, and Duncan looks like he could be a lot of fun in the “friend no benefits whatsoever” category). NOW Duncan is invited to Austin’s cocktail party, despite Derek pleading with Austin to refrain. Austin interviews, very confused, that Derek built up this man for no less than two months, then got upset when Austin and Jake became friends with said man.
Okay. Re: editing – WHY THE HELL DIDN’T WE SEE ANY OF THIS? That was what I would define as the “good part.” I had to sit through five minutes of Reichen whining about going to Hawaii single and three minutes of Nyasha’s stupid album, when I could have been watching eight awesome minutes of an incredibly awkward situation and dramatic follow-up? It either a) didn’t happen the way Derek said it did, b) didn’t happen at all or c) this show is just so bad that the producers actually thought it would be more interesting to watch a bad date and a rehash rather than the actual events that will propel the drama forward for the remainder of the episode. You decide. Either way, I have to believe there’s some sort of serious lack of communication between him and Austin regarding Duncan that is influencing Austin to be less than sympathetic about the party invite. Austin obviously can be a dick, but this kind of betrayal seems uncharacteristic. Especially since Derek is so upset, and he is. He looks panicked and freaked out for the entire scene and it doesn’t look that fake.
I haven’t looked at the blogs people posted in the minicap because I try to have a rule about only recapping the show at face value, but from what was posted, it seems like something seriously fishy was going on with this entire situation. Commercial!
We return to find an unlikely couple, Reichen and T.J., sitting down in a courtyard somewhere. It’s kind of a funny visual – T.J.’s bubbly, sweet and perky, and Reichen is sitting back like a lion contemplating its next meal.
“What size are you?” “What?” “Nothing…”
Reichen interviews that he invited T.J. over because he knows the guy’s been down in the dumps since exiting the salon. But, they talk about it, and it looks like both T.J. and Ryan are fine with the situation as it is. Their friendship is intact, and that’s what’s really important. But that doesn’t stop Reichen from inviting T.J. to beautiful HAWAII!! Yes, that’s right T.J.! You’ll enjoy a week of fun in the sun at Hawaii’s Paradise Festival, hosted by none other than your adorable mancrush, REICHEN! T.J. really does look like he’s won a gameshow, and nearly cries in thanks. Reichen interviews that while T.J. flirts with him, they’re nothing but good friends, and they’ll have a lot of fun together. It’s actually kind of sweet. None of my friends are rich enough to take me to Hawaii. If any of you are reading this, how bout getting on that?
T.J. thanks Reichen profusely, and with that, it’s time for Reichen to go meet Austin for a talk. Goody. More talking.
Austin has invited Reichen to wine and cheese, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why Reichen still gives Austin the time of day other than Reichen was never that into Rodiney in the first place. Despite my defense of Austin and my dislike of Rodiney, dude hit your man, Reichen. Twice. Grounds for immediate dismissal. When Austin brings up the meeting that was held about him, Reichen calls it ridiculous and even goes so far as to promise that he will not LET Rodiney file the restraining order. Whoa. Did anyone else think this was eight kinds of bullshit? Again, not a fan of Rodiney, generally on Team Austin, but still. Dude. Hit. Your. Man. Twice. Maybe you could be just a little more on his side…
But as Austin invites Reichen to the party promising that things won’t get crazy now that Rodiney is out of the picture, Reichen eases into going and interviews that there’s just something about Austin that keeps him coming back. I think that’s referred to as “attraction” or “the desire to bone one’s brains out.” He hems and haws for about 30 seconds claiming that he can’t support Austin getting drunk, but eventually caves and promises to show.
What a douche.
They also briefly discuss the fact that Austin is inviting Duncan despite the fact that Duncan and Derek are “feuding.” The way he tosses it off makes me think Derek gets emotional about stupid shit pretty often, or that Austin really doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. I just don’t buy that Austin would maliciously hurt Derek like they’re making it look. I don’t mean to make excuses for the guy, but it just seems out of character. Also? The party? NOT ABOUT DEREK. Commercial!
We return and it’s time for the parrrtyyy!! I’m so excited. I’m not sure why. It would seem that if anything interesting were going to happen, I won’t be seeing it, but hearing about it later. Austin starts off interviewing that all the drinking problem “malarkey” is just that. Malarkey (Midwest HOLLA!!). He hopes this party will prove to his friends that he can get drunk and refrain from getting violent if Rodiney isn’t there. I just thought of the amount of time Austin has put into a singular cocktail party to prove to his friends that he can be a manageable drunk, and got a glimpse as to how far apart our lives and priorities are.
Nyasha interviews that she didn’t even know Austin was having a cocktail party because she was too busy working and “makin’ that dough – SNAP!” Bitch, please. You didn’t know about the party because Austin didn’t invite you. It has nothing to do with your company, your travel or your album, so please – Shut. Up.
Things start well, Reichen arrives first, followed closely by Ryan and T.J. T.J. announces that he and Reichen are going to Hawaii together and Ryan’s face is frigging priceless. It’s almost as good as the Reichen/Porn/Uniball face:
Everyone giggles nervously over “We’re gonna get leied!” jokes, but it’s clear they’re all worried that Reichen is literally going to eat T.J. alive.
As for Derek, Austin admits to Ryan, Reichen and T.J. that the two are in a bit of a tiff and Derek probably won’t be showing. This pretty much astounds Ryan, who knows Derek to be temperamental, but for him not to show up to his best friend’s cocktail party means the whole thing is a much bigger deal. Austin interviews that he’d thought Derek was being childish and catty and is surprised that it was such a big deal. Yeah, I could see that. Austin’s in the wrong here and needs to learn to listen to his friends a little better, but when one of those friends has a rep for being a little emotional, it can turn things cloudy. I’m sure they’ll be over it by the end of next week’s episode. Derek does interview that he can’t believe Austin would do something like this after Derek went to every single person who attended the meeting and tried to get them to change their minds about Austin, and that does totally suck. Gotta say, Derek’s having a bad week.
Oh, P.S. adding insult to injury, Reichen interviews that the party is going very well without Derek, and maybe the catalyst of Austin’s bad behavior is not, in fact, Rodiney, but Derek. If that’s not reunion fodder, I don’t know what is.
Then Duncan finally shows up and the fun really begins! He explains that he was dating Derek, and then Derek decided he didn’t want to be involved, and now Duncan would like to know what he’s done. Fair. Austin explains to Ryan and T.J. that Derek is angry that Austin, Jake and Duncan are friends. Ryan, for one, can’t believe what Austin’s doing, and he and T.J. exit to have a pow-wow.
Number One Favorite Party Activity
They’re totally hilarious about the whole thing, wondering where the hell Derek is, WHO the hell Duncan is and why the hell Austin is putting his relationship with Derek on the line for someone he barely knows. Well, that was all mostly Ryan. The only thing T.J. has to contribute is the fact that Duncan smelled. Ha! They agree that Ryan needs to call Derek and get the 411, and then they giggle and decide to leave. Their relationship reminds me a lot of those I have with my closest friends. One of us will offer a scathing and insightful critique on someone, and other will fill in the shallow stuff that’s really bothering us. Observe:
Friend A: You know, I don’t mean to be a jerk, but I just found her rude and very, very full of herself. I don’t appreciate meeting someone who can’t even feign interest in other people for the sake of courtesy.
Friend B: Oh, totally, and what the fuck are those earrings about? They look like dead birds.
Friend A: AGREED.
The party ends and we head to commercial then back to the planned sit-down between Derek and Ryan, most likely the following day. Derek’s at the end of his rope, having lost his best friend and a guy he was really excited about. Ryan is sympathetic, not offering a single word in defense of Austin, who CLEARLY has the wrong idea about the whole situation. When Ryan asks about Duncan, Derek explains that the date was awful, that Duncan was rude to people (when?), that he gave Derek a USED Cartier watch (huh?) and that when Derek didn’t call the man he’d been seeing for months back, Duncan called him 17 times (creepy, but slightly understandable). Derek apparently felt that he’d clearly expressed to Austin that Duncan no longer had good intentions toward Derek, and was completely blindsided when Austin refused to disinvite the man from the party. Again, would have liked to have seen ANY OF THIS.
And you know what sucks? Ryan doesn’t even call out the fact that there might be a misunderstanding lurking about, but instead sells Austin right down the river as a leopard who will never change his spots. Really? Austin’s kind of a douche, he’s obviously insensitive and kinda dumb, but he’s not disloyal. When has he ever been disloyal? Why isn’t there a light bulb going off for anyone, especially Ryan? I like Ryan, but I have to say the only thing I’ve seen him do this episode is play both sides of the fence like a master, and when Austin called him a Neutral Nancy last week, he was right on the money.
And that’s the end of this week, both Ryan and Derek refusing to put up with anymore of Austin’s bullshit, until next week when there will be an inevitable confrontation and most likely reconciliation, probably facilitated by Ryan himself.
Until then, please enjoy the following and I’ll see you all next week and in the comments! And let’s all remember to…
…channel the Bloch.