The Amazing Race returns with a whole new cast of castholes. Fran and Berry here y’all! We are so happy to be back with Phil reporting on the front lines. A lot has changed since last season for us. The doctors said it was impossible! It’s a medical miracle! Fran (me) is pregnant! There is a good chance it’s the second coming of Jesus or at least an alien implant or something because like we said, both our reproductive parts dried up when that one place was still called the USSR. But hey, you live and learn that things are not always a sure thing. For example. Who will win this season Amazing Race and the million dollar prize?!
“Eat my dust Armstrong, I’ve got both balls!”
We begin in Santa Barbara, California. Phil bikes through the beautiful rolling hills of wine country, “The perfect place for cycling enthusiasts, LIKE ME, PHIL!” This season is all about Phil putting his foot down and demanding to be filmed biking more. He’s definitely mastered the hosting while walking thing, now he can do it on a bike too! Maybe he saw an episode of Kitchen Nightmares where Gordon Ramsay was driving up to a restaurant in a kick-ass car or motorcycle and was like, “More fun stuff for ME, PHIL!”
The teams are all riding their bikes behind Phil, like cute little pre-race ducklings following the manliest most shark-tooth-necklace wearing mama goose this world has ever seen. Let’s meet our cast of characters!!
Dave and Cherie, married CLOWNS from Tampa, Florida. SCARY! I think it says a lot about a person if they are a clown. I think it says even more about a person if they bang a clown. And these people are both. I banged a clown in 1984 outside of the Circus World Museum in Baraboo, Wisconsin. I didn’t know he was a clown at the time, I just thought he was a sad hobo. When he was still sad after we banged, I put two and two together. Dave and Cherie think they’ll do well on the race specifically because of karma. They think that since they are clowns and that clowns in theory are supposed to make people happy, that they in turn deserve to be happy by winning a million dollars. Hmm, sounds like an iffy strategy. Berry is crossing his fingers that these guys turn out to be a-holes. Team Clown!
“I shall now eat this entire chair!”
Bopper and Mark. You heard me. Bopper and Mark. Lifelong “friends” who shack up together in Kentucky. Never seen a bi-racial, same-sex, hillbilly team before! We are intrigued! It’s Team Yee-Haw!
They live in a horror movie?
Misa and Maiya are sisters from San Diego. They like to golf and go to UCLA. One of them surfs and one of them boogie boards. People think they are pretty, but they are really athletes. And they have a lot to prove, or at least that’s what they keep saying. Ladies and gentleman, presenting Team Toned!
“Don’t worry sis, someday you’ll have a big girl board like me.”
Brendon and Rachel, the recently engaged couple. You may know them from Big Brother, we don’t, but you might. Did she have a black eye on Big Brother? Because it looks like she has a black eye. And let it be known, THEY ARE NOT IN THIS TO MAKE FRIENDS! THEY ARE IN IN IT FOR THE MONEY HONEY! Typical reality show couple. I’ll be interested to see if personality emerges from this team. You may already know if they have personality if you watch Big Brother. Check out Team Reality!
At least she knows.
Joey “Fitness” and Danny. Seriously? Are they like a morning radio show or something? They are Jersey Shored out, bragging about living the guido life, working out and getting tattoos. But then they say, “When people think of us as typical Jersey Shore guys we will hopefully show them wrong.” Wait- WHAT?! What’s to disprove? Didn’t you just brag about GTL? Then one of them proceeds to reveal his “Situation” yeah, you’re doing a good job showing me wrong. Why do all of these teams have to prove something? Why can’t they just try and win money? It’s Team GTFO!
“This is where my ideas come from!”
Nary and Jamie, federal agents from Los Angeles, CA. As female federal agents they have to prove themselves. Again with the proving. Also, they like cake. Oh they just won me over! Gotta press pause while Berry goes to the bakery and gets me some cake. This baby isn’t gonna feed cake to itself!!!!!! Go Team Girl Guns!
Just take the Travelocity gnome and get out!!
Berry wonders why no one ever has a ghost partner. It could be cool to see a ghost run the race. But then again, how could you properly secure a mic-pack onto a ghost? And can you see ghosts? Maybe only a small portion of viewers would even be able to see it.
Rachel and Dave, married 2 years from Madison, WI. He’s a military man so they’ve been apart for a long time. They came on the race to reconcile their marriage. We are a little reluctant to watch this relationship unhinge. When Berry and I were having marital problems we just started cheating on each other, we didn’t go on the Amazing Race to fix our troubles! We went on the Amazing Race when everything was awesome and we were too high on mescaline to feel the pain of being on our feet for days at a time. Watch out, it’s Team Blowup!
What’s the over/under on this guy owning a Snuggie?
Elliot and Andrew, twin bros from Scottsdale, AZ. One is a musician. One is a soccer player. They’re not gay, but maybe they are because they said they’re not gay and then giggled. Welcome, Team Twinbros.
“SIR, I WANT TO BUY THESE SHOES FOR MY MAMA, PLEASE!!!!”
Kerri and Stacey are darling first cousins from Golfwood, Mississippi. They are your typical Daisy Duke good ole southern girls. They are super girly and like to wear makeup, but at the end of the day they like to mud wrestle with big boys. I think that’s what they said. Whatever, Team Daisy Dukes!
I got $20 on the hen to take ‘em all.
Vanessa and Ralph are a dating couple from San Antonio, Texas. They both look pretty wiped out from their bike ride introduction. We wonder if they know that the bike ride doesn’t really have anything to do with the race. I mean, they haven’t even crossed the stating line yet. Better conserve some of that energy you two! These guys have both been married before, aw, it’s like Step by Step! Good luck, Team Second Chance!
“Shhh…I’m picturing my ex-wife.”
Art and JJ, border patrol agents in Southern California. They are super team mates because their job, which appears to be riding on the beach on four wheelers, can be life or death. They are super cute, I wonder how many episodes in until they accidentally kiss. Go Team Boy Guns!
Another tough day of sending illegal crabs back to the ocean, where they belong!
Phil welcomes them to the Amazing race in a big green field as bells chime. The teams cheer with excitement. “There are 12 legs on this race that are gonna mess you up, son! He explains the express pass, how you win it if you come in first this leg, and how if you get it you can use it to skip a leg and go straight to the next pit stop. Phil continues to explain the plot of the show. I think we all know that part! Phil adds a little bit of Emmy winning dramatics by saying, “The fact is, I will be eliminating most of you.” Ohh! I just got chills! Or maybe it’s the baby kicking because it doesn’t like white cake, BERRY! ME AND THE BABY SPECIFICALLY SAID RED VELVET!!
Phil tells the teams that their first clue is up in the air, literally. 11 clues are floating in one of the 100 balloons in the field behind them. When they get their clue they can hop in a brand new FORD TAURUS and continue racing. (Wonder if you can just opt to take the Ford Taurus and go, if we get asked to do All Star AR that’s what we’ll do, we need a car that will fit a car seat.)
And now Phil waves his neck scarf and sends them on their way, “Good luck. Travel Safe! GO!” Mad dash! Mad dash! Grunting, pointing, go! go! go!, go straight, I’m already too stressed out to be watching this.
Twinbros get it first, followed by Second Chance, Daisy Dukes and Blowup. The clue tells them to go to Santa Barbara. “Where is Santa Barbara?” Uh, you’re in Santa Barbara! Remember!? Phil’s favorite biking place? Oh, Santa Barbara, Argentina! That’s exciting! “Drive yourself to LAX.” LAX from Santa Barbara?!?!? That’s a long ass drive. Hope they put warnings on the roads that crazy ass people will be driving like maniacs for that whole stretch.
Only the first 6 teams will get the first flight that gets them closest to Santa Barbara, Argentina.
Bopper and Mark are still looking for their clue. Mark is throwing up! Is it because he’s winded? Or is it because he swallowed too much chew? Bopper gets the clue! He starts screaming hillbilly and running to the car. Team Toned are left alone in the balloon fields.
“What the goll-darned heck are all these stick pictures?!”
Team Yee-Haw is in their FORD TAURUS. Bopper is driving while Mark is barfing. He can’t ride in the back seat without barfing?! He’s already barfed from running and sitting in a car, what if he has to zipline or something?! Haven’t they ever seen this show?! Well, maybe they haven’t. They might not have tv. But now the barfer needs to be in the backseat for the entire race! Well, let’s just hope they put the barfer in the back because whatever the other guy would have done back there was much, much worse.
TwinBros, Reality, Girl Guns, Boy Guns, Blowup, and Second Chance are on the first plane that should give them a 2 hour lead. They land and hop in their SUV’s (I wonder what kind of car?) and get going. The second plane lands (that was fast) and they start driving their FORD SUVs!!
Team Clown is way behind and Cherie is freaking out. CLOWN STYLE! There is all sorts of worried honking and seltzer spritzing coming from their vehicle. She’s crying, let the extended colorful handkerchiefs start flying! She comments on, “the tears of a clown” which happens to be the official title of the episode. Way to start the season off sad and creepy, CBS!
Blowup approaches their destination which they see is an airport and he’s super stoked because he was a combat pilot. Somehow Boy Guns get there first. Roadblock! One team member must jump out of a plane and the other one has to find them once they land. Let’s go all out! Skydiving the first episode! Sweet!
Also, cool move AR switching up who does the roadblock. Who wants to do something exciting? You do! Ha, all you get to do is drive in a car! Nice burn, AR. I bet that was Phil’s idea.
Some people are into skydiving and some, like JJ, are NOT. Boy Guns and Blowup are getting along because they have a mutual respect. It can’t be too hard to find where they’re gonna land because they get a map and there are signs on the side of the road telling them where to go.
Subtle, AR. Subtle.
The first group of jumpers are starting to go! Rachel (Blowup), JJ (Boy Guns), Rachel (Reality), Nary (Girl Guns), Vanessa (Second Chance) and one of the Twinbros. They look the same with a helmet on. JJ is really freaking out. He jumps first. In the far shot it looks like a third person jumped and didn’t have a parachute. Scary! I think it was the camera man! How is the backseat barfer gonna handle this?
Boy Guns get their next clue from the “jump master.” “Drive yourself to Patios de Cafayate, search the grounds for your next clue.”
Meanwhile the second group lands in Argentina and heads to the skydiving.
Back in the skydiving plane, Vanessa is about to jump, “My uterus is in my throat” That’s technically what I had, rendering me infertile, but after I got hit by the ice cream truck it must have slipped down my esphogus and got lodged in my duodenum and that’s how the doctors think I was able to become pregnant! They don’t know for sure though. I have to go in tomorrow for a photo shoot for a “medical oddities” text book.
The second group reaches the airfield. The backseat barfer has to jump! This is going to be intense. Daisy Duke Stacey is freaking out as bad as JJ. She is not cool with this. I guess when you sign up for the Amazing Race you just hope that you won’t have to face your fears. For example: a water slide.
You’re going to meet Lando!
Bopper reminds Berry of Ernest. Know what I mean, Barfer!? Gotta go to camp!
Danny (GTFO) can’t drive stick. Again, have you EVER SEEN THIS SHOW!
Brendon (Team Reality) is trying to outrun Boy Guns. He hates the border patrol because he’s half mexican.
Once the teams reach Patios de Cafayate they must make 60 meat filled empanadas and 60 veggie empanadas. They have to be clever enough to notice that there are different dough pinching patterns for each flavor. I would not notice that. I would just eat the hell out of it! I’m starving. It’s like this baby inside of me will never be happy with human food! “Once the teams complete the empanadas they must search the grounds for ME, PHIL!” The first team to check in will win the express pass. The last team, WILL be eliminated.
Boy Guns and Reality start empanandaing. Rachel (Reality) totes sees the different pinching patterns right away, that girl knows her dumplings! Blowup joins them.
Barfer jumped out of the plane! And didn’t barf! He’s cured! Joey “Fitness” (GTFO) and Misa (Toned) follow. They all seem to have a good time.
Boy Guns are having trouble with their empanadas. They go back to re-watch the demonstration. “I gotta twist mine, I gotta pinch mine” sounds like a kids book. A disturbing kids book. They say people shouldn’t expect them to be able to cook because they are a bunch of middle aged men, but they do know how to BBQ! See, these guys are not trying to prove anyone wrong by breaking stereotypes. Kudos.
Maiya (Toned) drove into sand and got stuck. She’s gonna wait for help. Good plan.
Barfer landed and Bopper caught him. That’s what friends are for. I wish Bopper was fatter so I could call him Big Bopper, then any time he came on the screen I could yell, “Helllooooo Baaaaaaby!” I’m doing it already, it just makes less sense now.
Stacey (Daisy Dukes) is freaking the F out and does not want to jump out of the plane. She pulled her self together and did if for her children. She thought jumping out of a plane was a good lesson for her kids. (I better write that parenting tip down, I haven’t been a mother in like thirty years.) As she was falling she opened her eyes and felt so good. But she would never do it again. Another good parenting lesson, only do things once.
Short for Camera and Cayenne Pepper.
Maiya (Toned) is lucky she’s an athlete and not a pretty girl because some Argentinian men stopped and towed her car out of the sand. Weird that a Ford coldn’t handle a little quick sand. Surprised they didn’t call that out.
TwinBros hit the Patios party and started making empanadas. Boy Guns are arguing because the lady still doesn’t like their pinching. Now it’s really starting to get intense. People know that they are all about to be done and they all want that express pass! Blowup finishes first, then Reality…it’s a mad dash for Phil!!
Phil points with a hat on!
And he’s pointing at……..Blowup! They are team number one! Phil gives them the express pass and he says it’s a great piece of power in their pocket…..uh Phil, are you TRYING to turn us on? I’m already pregnant!
Reality is next followed by Boy Guns, Girl Guns, Second Chance and TwinBros.
Now Barfer and Bopper gotta make empenadas. “WE ONLY KNOW RACOON EATIN! We’re scared stupid!” Bopper says, “This is the first time I’ve ever made a pinata.” Barfer tries to correct him but he doesn’t know what the right word is either so they give up thinking about it.
“Someday it will be me making empanadas. Someday.”
Toned thinks that they have this in the bag because they are used to making Japanese dumplings. Team GTFO is struggling because they don’t cook?! They’re terrible guidos! That’s the one redeeming quality about those Jersey Shore boys, they know how to feed a girl! Speaking of which, where’d Berry go? I’m starving for a Jersey Shore boy.
Daisy Dukes hit the mat and are 7th. Next are the Clowns in at 8th. As the clowns run off GTFO starts panicking and slandering the clowns, “They’re freaking clowns!” It takes one to know one I guess. BOOYA!
Bopper and Barfer make it to Phil 9th! Thank God! I think I want them to win. Or at least be in every episode. It’s down to Toned vs. GTFO! Who will take the last spot!?!? The girls finish the empendadas first but they forgot their bags in the car! They get to the check in and don’t see Phil. Oh man, the editors are like, THANK GOD SOMETHING REAL TO WORK WITH! Thank God e don’t have to fake the tension FOR ONCE!! The girls ran off in the wrong direction and Phil was like, “what the hell?!”
GTFO swoops in and checks in 10th. The last spot. Their new motto is “we kinda come from behind.”
Toned is the last team to arrive. Phil is beyond disgusted with them. He says how they are ridiculous for being the first team in 20 seasons to be so close to the mat and be overtaken by another team. They try and defend themselves but they just don’t get it. They think they tried really hard. They say that they’ve proven that they have a lot of heart. Well, at least they think they’ve proven something, which was their goal to start out with so…they win!
“There go the stupidest people I have ever met. And I work in reality TV.”
This season on THE AMAZING RACE 20: exotic destinations, frustrating challenges, and explosive confrontations! (So, pretty similar to every other seaon.) Which team has what it takes to win #thelife!