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Welcome to the 10th season of the Apprentice! The Donald has kicked the celebrities to the curb and is offering a second chance to 16 candidates hurt by the recession.
The Donald is in a limo and explaining to us how an economic crisis that began three years ago almost plunged us into another Great Depression.
The Donald – “Except for me. The money I saved on haircare I invested wisely and my empire continued to grow.”
The Donald says smart, talented people are still unemployed, and he hates what he sees so he’s going to do something about it. The Donald steps outside and into Trump Tower. He continues to voiceover for us.
The Donald has chosen 16 of the best candidates from across the country to compete.
The Donald – “All vying to be my personal bitch…I mean apprentice. Jimmy, stop fucking with the cue cards.”
Our first candidate says he used to be an engineer now he drives a tow truck. Another contestant used to be a corporate attorney. Now she sells cupcakes out of a hot pink Barbie truck.
“For a $1.50 I can give you legal advice for when you get arrested for public intoxication.”
Another is a woman who went to law school and is now stuck scanning documents. A financial advisor, a constructor company owner and several others are unemployed. Each tells us they will be the next apprentice.
The Donald announces “It’s time to get down to business.” Sweet.
AT TRUMP TOWER…
Everyone is in the lobby eyeing up the competition.
“Sure you’re in the right place? Making the Band 6 auditions are across the street.”
Tyana tells us she went from six figures to buying second hand clothing to save every penny that she had.
Tyana – “Secondhand underwear was the worst. I definitely know what Victoria’s Secret was…crabs.”
Steuart, who spells his name weird, is 100 percent here to win.
Steuart – “I’m a fledgling entrepreneur because I haven’t yet left the nest and my mother still regurgitates my Lean Cuisines for me and feeds me breast milk. Does that make me weird? Maybe, but it also means I’m getting more vitamins and nutrition than you. “
Steuart points out that the guy with the red tie has big bags under his eyes. He thinks Red Tie looks stressed, and doesn’t know if Red Tie is prepared for this competition.
“These bags contain trademark biz secrets that will blow your mind.”
James, a ginger that has infiltrated the bunch, is ready to get back to work after being unemployed for so long.
James – “I hope to make our fearless leader Ron Howard proud.”
The receptionist gets a phone call. The Donald is ready for them. The candidates head into the boardroom.
The women take a seat. The men stand directly behind them. The Donald walks in and sits down.
He welcomes them to the boardroom.
The Donald – “It’s cozier isn’t it? Boy, girl, boy, girl.”
The Donald wants the candidates to tell him a little about themselves. The Donald asks David “Red Tie” to go first.
David – “I married my high school sweetheart, and we produced five beautiful children.”
The Donald – “Produced. So you’re like an android? Hmm we’re an equal opportunity employer. Go on.”
David says he worked for a Tele-com company in sales, and when customers stopped paying their bills there was a reduction in workforce and he was let go.
Anand – “Android. I don’t feel comfortable working with an I,Robot.”
David adds that the loss of his job cost him his marriage.
Steuart – “Your android woman dumped you. That’s cold.”
David’s ultimate goal is to bring his family back together…and take over the world.
The Donald – “Better to fight with the robots than against them. Good luck to you sir.”
Poppy goes next. She says she graduated with a bachelors and a masters degree from Stanford at the age of 22 last year. She is having trouble getting a job and is back at home taking care of her grandmother.
Poppy – “My masters degree means nothing to my Grandmother. She accuses me of being too “edumacated” when I try to explain to her the Maury Povitch paternity tests are 99.9% accurate.”
The Donald moves onto Stephanie. Stephanie was a commercial banker in Chicago and now she is being blamed for this recession and is being called the fat cat banker.
Stephanie – “Fat cat is a stupid term. It makes me think of Garfield gorging himself on lasagna.”
The camera pans over to James.
James – “Cry me a river honey. Walk a day in my shoes and see what it’s like being told you look just like Up-Chuck from ‘Daria’.”
The Donald asks Nicole “What about you?”
Nicole says she was a runner-up for Miss California USA. She had several offers and chose to go to a law firm that turned out to not be what she expected. Nicole says it doesn’t matter that this is a recession. One shouldn’t have to settle.
Nicole – “I didn’t go to school to be a Starbucks gopher. I went to school so people would fetch me Starbucks.”
Everyone has this expression like “what a little self-entitled twit.”
The Donald points out Jean as being older than the the rest of the contestants.
Jean – “Don’t let the Orville Redenbacher outfit fool you. I’m ex-military. I can roshambo your ass and pop popcorn at the same time.”
Jean used to be a financial advisor until his company was cut by 85 percent.
Donald looks at everyone and says “Look. Life is tough. Life is mean.”
The Donald – “Case in point. This morning I wanted some Dunkaroos. You know what my assistant told me? Food stores don’t carry Dunkaroos anymore.”
Steuart – “An afternoon of Weinerville, Salute Your Shorts and Dunkaroos used to be the bomb.”
The Donald tells his proteges “You thought you were doing well at one time, but now you can do better than that.” For the next 13 weeks The Donald promises “I will push you. I will motivate you. I will hopefully inspire you. Some of you will go on to do really big things.”
“Tell me more, tell me more.”
“And the winner gets to work for me. It’s going to be a great job, pay a lot of money. It’s going to be wonderful.”
“But you don’t gotta brag.”
The Donald breaks up the group into teams of men vs women. He also wants them to pick team names.
Ginger James – “Alright! Our team should be Voltron: Defender of the Universe!” Alex – “Put a sock in it, Pidge.”
Then The Donald wants them to pick a project manager. He warns the group that whoever is selected project manager runs the risk of being most likely to be fired if their team loses. The Donald looks at everyone and says “Being fired isn’t any fun is it?” Candidates “No, it isn’t Headmaster Trump.”
The Donald tells them “I have a building. It’s the Trump Building at 40 Wall St.”
The Donald – “It says Trump on it. If you’re illiterate then I guess you’re shit out of luck.”
The Donald continues. He tells them “It’s located right opposite the building with the giant sign New York Stock Exchange.”
The Donald – “Again. If you’re illiterate like Fantasia Barrino then I guess you’re shit out of luck.”
The Donald wants everyone to meet him at the Trump Building where he will give the teams their first assignment. He emphasizes that the candidates should realize they are not dealing with friends right now. They’re here to win so be tough!
PICKING TEAM NAMES AND PROJECT MANAGERS…
On the men’s team, Ginger James takes the reigns and tells everyone we should decide on a team name, like oh say Voltron, and then pick a project manager.
Anand suggest “Next” for the team name. Suggesting they are looking to the future.
Wade – “Yuck. “Next”? Why not call us She-Daisy and cut our balls off.”
Ginger James says “What about Phoenix?” Alex replies – “What about Icarus, rising from the ashes.”
Ginger James – “No that was Phoenix. Icarus flew too close to the sun and died.” Jean – “Are you suggesting that we all die, Alex? Go outside and get me a switch. I’m gonna teach you a lesson, boy.”
Alex – “My bad.”
Steuart questions Alex’s level of intelligence. “How could you not remember fifth grade mythology” asks Steuart.
Android David yells “How about Octane?”
Android David – “Me and my five children run on pure octane. Best stuff ever. I cut my wife’s supply off. That whore can find her own octane until she admits that she’s wrong and comes back home. In the meantime, she can continue fucking Johnny 5 from Short Circuit for all I care.”
Everyone murmurs “I like Octane.” Jean digs octane.
Clint – “Let’s go with what Android Karenina over there suggested, and no one will get hurt.”
Ginger James says “I prefer not to do something too awesome.”
Ginger James – “I wanted Voltron. I wanted to be the one to say “And I’ll form…the head.”
Everyone out votes Ginger James. The men’s team is now known as OCTANE. Team Octane moves onto the next order of business: selecting a project manager.
Wade asks if anyone is interested in being project manager. Crickets chirp. No one volunteers so Wade nominates Jean based on Jean’s military leadership skills. Jean agrees to be project manager.
Ginger James tells us “Once the town folk grabbed their pitchforks and decided that Jean should be project manager there wasn’t really any way for Jean to back down.” Ginger James is surprised no one else stepped up to the plate. As for himself, he says he is a lawyer and likes to stand back and observe from a distance.
Ginger James – “It’s safer that way. My skin burns easily and pitchforks hurt.”
Next door, the women’s team is voting on a team name. Poppy suggests Phoenix. Liza tells us
Liza – “The best man is gonna win. I mean the best woman is going to win. I’m a woman now. My transition is complete. I am LIZA!!”
Tyana suggests “Inspired.” Some suggests “Stamina.” The women laugh “That’s the boys’ team.”
Stephanie surfs the web and finds the word “Fortitude.” The women love it.
Kelly says when the word Fortitude came up as a potential team name it really resonated with her. It’s strong and resilient.”
Kelly – “It’s like we’re gonna build a Fort of ‘Tude out of Lincoln Logs and TLC songs.”
The women cheerfully settle on FORTITUDE as their team name. Next up project manager. Nicole asks if it would be alright if she is the first project manager. Tyana tells Nicole “I actually saw you as our first project manager.”
Tyana – “Nicole, you make an adorable sacrificial lamb.”
Mahsa says Nicole made picking a project manager a cinch.
Mahsa – “The name is Mahsa not MRSA.”
Nicole tells us this was probably the easiest thing she will ever do on the Apprentice.
AT TRUMP BUILDING, 40 W. WALL ST.
The candidates meet up with The Donald, Ivanka and Donald, Jr.
Donald, Jr. – “It’s just a jump to the left.” Ivanka – “And then a step to the right.” The Donald – “With your hands on your hips.” Donald, Jr. – “You bring your knees in tight!!!”
The Donald – “I’m glad to see you all know how to read.” Ivanka – “Illiterate jokes again, Dad?”
The Donald points out that they’re right next to the New York Stock Exchange in downtown Manhattan. He gives them a history lesson and tells the candidates that the Trump Building was built in 1929, a really bad time.
Right now The Donald demands to know team names and project managers.
Jean – “Team Octane. I am project manager.” Ginger James (whispers) – “Lame. Not cool.”
Team Octane claps. The Donald wants to know why Jean. Clark says Jean has good style.
Nicole – “I am the project manager. Our team is Fortitude because it means strength of mind and having guts.”
The Donald – “I like guts. I wanted a piece of the Super Aggro Crag, but Guts said I was too old to compete. They were just a bunch of pussies.”
The Donald warns the candidates that Ivanka and Donald, Jr. will be his eyes and ears. He orders Ivanka to tell them their first task.
Ivanka says the first task is design and build an ultra modern workspace. Teams will be judged on design, functionality and originality.
The Donald says he will make the final decision for this competition, and the winner will also win something very special. He warns that the losing team will have someone fired, and the first one fired on this show is never a good thing. The Donald tells them good luck.
Team Fortitude arrives at its workspace. Nicole, project manager, takes charge and tells the women lets use this half hour to develop and plan before our designer arrives.
Kelly tells us she was stunned when she heard that The Donald would be judging this task. Really? Didn’t you watch this show before going on it?
Kelly – “Our office space has to be mind blowing. I was thinking we should put a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit in the middle of the room and when people enter the office we should have a word of the day just like Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Today’s word is Trump. Ahh!!!”
Tyana tells us her background is in new home sales. Her last three projects were in urban loft spaces. Tyana wants to design a table around the pole. Nicole is like ehhh. She thinks Tyana is tacky.
Team Octane arrives at its workspace.
Anand informs his teammates that this workspace is located in SoHo, surrounded by E-Commerce. It’s very high-end. Anand tells us he does have an extensive commercial real estate background.
Jean tells us it has been a long time since he last worked. It is taking him a moment to realize “Wow I’m working.”
Jean – “It’s also why I wear Depends undergarments.”
Jean suggests a green modern workspace with foilage.
Ginger James says a “green” office space is a great idea, only Jean doesn’t know what that means. Jean wonders around and Clark looks worried. Ginger James says the men are getting nowhere.
The architectural designer arrives. Nicole explains the concept they went with is modern executive. There is some confusion over who should stay with the architect, who should go get paint and who should get food. Mahsa tells us Project Manager Nicole lacks communication skills.
Since Nicole has shot down Tyana’s design ideas, Tyana decides to take charge of the paint color.
Octane is also trying to decide on paint colors. Ginger James and Anand sit down with the architectural renderer after Jean ignores him. The two come up with a plan. Jean says it is frustrating that Ginger James and Anand blocked him out from interacting with the architectural designer.
Ginger James says the team’s lack of focus is Jean’s fault.
Masha, Tyana and Brandy picked up paint, cleaning supplies and food. The women get to work while Stephanie and Project Manager Nicole leave to go buy electronics.
Stephanie tells us she is not a decorator! She recommends to Nicole that they swing by the team site and bring Tyana with them. Nicole tells Stephanie that Tyana frustrates her.
Back at the workspace the women are arguing over windows versus painting. Some of the women want to get the painting done first.
Mahsa tells us she is very annoyed at painter Brandy. She wants her to come break her butt window washing.
Mahsa – “How would Brandy like to be dressed up like a giant condom window washer in high heels?”
Poppy (mocking Mahsa) – “Look I’m a giant prophylactic painter.”
Jean assigns Clint and Android David the task of ordering plants.
Android David – “I do not need plants to breathe like you humans; however, I do appreciate the plants’ aesthetic beauty.”
Clint asks “What about something tropical?” Android David nixes that idea. He doesn’t want palm trees in the office. Palm trees attract monkeys and Paul Frank monkeys frighten Android David.
Clint goes to Jean and tells him he’s going to start ordering the colorful plants. Jean is like sure no problem. Clint gets ready to make the call when Android David comes over.
Android David demands to know who Clint is calling. Then Android David says he needs the phone right now. Clint gives it to him. As Android David takes the phone, he also snatches the list of floral shops from Clint.
Android David informs us it was his plan all along not to call the AV but to call the floral shops. What a devious asshole robot.
Clint yells that Jean told him to call the shops. Android David threatens Clint “If you put your hands on me again…”
Android David – “You saw what Robo-Bone did to Doug Funny and his little friends. I suggest you back the fuck off Mosquito Valentine.” Clint – “Hold-up. I’m sure you’ve heard of a little thing called Quail Man.”
Clint – “David went from this happy go-lucky, goofy golly gee guy to this “flaming ignited human.” Oh you know he’s an android. Nevermind then.”
Android David tells us he doesn’t pick fights or goes looking for them, but he’s older by eons than most of the candidates, and he is fueled by pure octane so he doesn’t like being brushed off.
Clint tells us he blames the chaos not on Android David but the lack of leadership from Jean.
Jean puts the men to work painting the space while he and Anand go run errands.
Ivanka stops by team Octane’s space. She says nice to meet you all and goes to shake Clint’s extended hand that is covered in paint. She pulls back and laughs “Nevermind.”
Ivanka wants to know what is the general concept for the space. Ginger James eagerly jumps up. He tells her Project Manager Jean came up with the idea for a green office. Ivanka replies “Not overly original.”
Ginger James – “I know. I wanted Castle Greyskull.” Ivanka – “That would have been cool.” Ginger James – “That’s what I thought.”
Ivanka tells the guys she wants to support them but their ideas aren’t blowing her away.
Stephanie and Nicole arrive back. The paint and floors look great. Nicole asks Poppy and Tyana to go with her to shop for furniture. Nicole tells us the only reason she is taking Tyana is if they fail she can at least tell The Donald that she took the designer with her.
Furniture shopping montage at Cort.
Tyana shops great under pressure and impresses Nicole.
Android David volunteers himself and Clint to build the window box. Jean doesn’t respond. Android David throws a hissy fit. Jean yells “Time out! This is becoming a clusterfuck.”
Jean tells the men this is no longer a democracy it’s a Jeanocracy and he’s taking over.
Jean and Android David get into a war of words.
Nicole thanks the ladies on an awesome job yesterday. Nicole tells the women that Tyana, Poppy and her are going to the prop store. Mahsa wants to go to because she shares the same tacky taste as The Donald.
Mahsa tells us she is able to insert herself into the vision and should be fine in the boardroom.
Montage of the women shopping. They come across this creepy painting to hang behind the office desk. Tyana wants to call him Uncle Fort-y.
Uncle Fort-y wants to play hide the cucumber with you.
Nicole is not a fan.
Today Jean wants the men to own their task. Wade says he is behind Jean 110 percent. Jean assigns Steuart and Ginger James artwork and pictures. Android David is put in charge of AV.
Android David steps outside and files for his weekly unemployment via telephone.
Android David – “As a robot, I am appalled at this electronic phone menu.”
The AV guys arrive and Android David tells us he has a technical background, but he wasn’t an AV geek in high school.
Jean takes Steuart and Wade with him to go get office supplies.
Furniture arrives and the girls are back from the prop house. The Donald, Jr. shows up. He asks what is the theme. Nicole replies “Modern executive/modern green.” Then he asks who has been the biggest help and biggest detriment. Surprisingly Nicole replies Tyana has been the biggest help, but if you had asked her yesterday she would have said Tyana was the biggest detriment. Nicole explains that Tyana is her Cyndi Lauper as Tyana listens in the other room.
Tyana runs over to Stephanie and tells her “Nicole said I’m her Cyndi Lauper.” Tyana says high to Donald, Jr. who asks her how are things going so far. Tyana pauses and then tells him her project manager is weak.
Jean arrives and tells Ginger James to hurry up with the wall design. The furniture hasn’t arrived yet either. The men are panicking.
Last minute finishing touches are being made. The women are arranging the furniture. For the presentation the girls decide to re-enact an office environment.
With 30 minutes left the furniture arrives. The men manage to finish in time. Anand thinks the workspace is awesome.
Trumpets and horns blare as The Donald arrives to judge Fortitude’s space.
The Donald – “Those aren’t horns. That is the baked beans I had for lunch.”
Tyana plays the role of receptionist and greets The Donald. Nicole shows The Donald the floor plan and takes his around the space. The Donald asks “Who’s that?” and points to Mr. Fort-y. Nicole tells him it is the grandfather of Fortitude, Inc.
The Donald – “Mr. Fort-y is a creeper, wouldn’t you agree?”
The Donald thanks Nicole and the ladies and moves onto Team Octane.
At Team Octane The Donald is greeted by Jean. The Donald notices the artwork on the wall. He asks Ginger James if he has an artistic background. Ginger James says “None at all.”
Ginger James – “Although I am the best dick drawer at keg parties. This one time this guy passed out and I drew this huge…”
The Donald isn’t impressed with the boardroom table and suddenly two camera guys fall from the slippery rugs. The Donald is like okay see you later.
AT THE BOARDROOM…
The candidates enter to find Ivanka and Donald, Jr. waiting for them. The Donald enters and sits down last. He starts off by saying “I have found this very difficult.”
The Donald – “Almost as difficult as saying good-bye to The Hills. Oh Kristin, Bro-day…” (bites fist)
The Donald admits that he didn’t like either space very much. Ouch! He points out the rugs. Anand takes responsibility for the rugs. Android David says the beginning with Jean was rough, but he was proud of Jean at the end of day two.
The Donald demands to know who lacked imagination. Jean pauses. Donald, Jr. asks if Jean was that indecisive during the task. Jean throws Android David and Ginger James under bus as the weakest links. Ivanka is surprised and stands up for Ginger James. She tells everyone that she thought Ginger James was very assertive and acted as the leader when she stopped by. Jean adds there was also conflict between Android David and Clint. Android David defends himself and threatens to turn everyone into toasters.
The Donald points out Clint’s lack of a tie. He wants to know why. Clint stammers, and The Donald breaks in with a story.
The Donald – “Guys used to come into my office wearing t-shirts, Bermuda shorts and banana hammocks. Wall Street crashed and now everyone wears suits and ties.”
Nicole tells The Donald that her team did an incredible job. The Donald says don’t bullshit me. I didn’t think it was great. Tyana admits to The Donald that she didn’t think that Nicole did a good job leading. Donald, Jr. backs up Nicole’s claims that Tyana was talking badly about her.
Everyone starts yelling about whether Nicole is or isn’t whishy washy.
Liza calls Nicole out on not painting and not leaving them with a point person. Brandy doesn’t have a best person on the team because at the end of the day they were all pretty slutty/sweaty.
The Donald is like SLUTTY?? Brandy yelps “No I said sweaty.”
Mahsa calls Nicole out on her mistakes and mistreatment of Tyana.
The men and women look at each other’s final spaces on the plasma t.v. The Donald doesn’t like either. Ivanka and Donald, Jr. favor the men’s space over the women’s.
The Donald gives the victory to Team Octane. Jean’s prize is to meet with the best project manager there is and that’s one-on-one time with The Donald.
The men leave and the women face the firing squad Trump Trinity.
The women throw each other under the bus. The Donald calls them killers and brutal. The men who are watching and eating popcorn agree.
Damn! Ouch! $5 Nicole is gone. It’s like watching Barbie Mortal Kombat. Mahsa is scary.
The Donald instructs the men to turn off their t.v. The men are like awwww.
Nicole, Mahsa and Tyana head back into the boardroom. More catfighting. Mahsa compares Nicole to the Titanic. The Titanic was nice and then went out into the water and sank. Bwhahaahha.
Nicole is fired.
The Donald tells Ivanka and Donald, Jr. he plans to set Nicole up with an interview for the Miss Universe Pageant.
See you next week!