The Apprentice: Dog Hotel & Spa

PREVIOUSLY ON THE APPRENTICE

Android David and Poppy were team leaders for the ice cream challenge. Things got ugly when the men’s team Octane lost. Android David was gunning for Ginger James but Alex ended up getting eliminated instead.

POST FIRING…

Liza is still pissed about being called out on her poor selling skills during the ice cream challenge. Stephanie tells us Liza is so difficult to work with. Everyone is tired of hearing her scream like a hyena.

Clint tells everyone to calm down and let’s make it really special for whoever comes back through those doors. On cue, Android David comes busting through the door with Ginger James trailing.

Android David – “Hakuna Matata, bitches!”

Everyone ooos and ahhhhs. They want to know what happened.

Ginger James tells Steaurt that he doesn’t mind being the punching bag.

Steaurt – “If calling yourself a punching bag makes being a pussy sound better, well, then whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Ginger James tells us the boardroom was tough and obviously his teammates don’t like him. He is really worried about the team going forward because if they can turn quickly on him that means they will turn quickly on each other.

Camera cuts to Gene and Android David.

Gene – “You know that I wanted that flat-bread sandwich.” Android David – “Too late, I licked it.”

AT THE LOEWS REGENCY HOTEL..

Poppy goes to accept her prize: a meeting with former GE CEO Jack Welch.

Jack – “What magnificent biceps you have!” Poppy – “Why thank you.” Jack – “GE could have used you to change light bulbs.”

Poppy tells Jack that she was working on cancer research when the lab ran out of funding. Jack is like okay but this session is about finding you a great job, not about hearing your sob story.

Welch tells Poppy at the Jack Welch Business School you can get an MBA online. Welch is giving Poppy a two-year scholarship to the school.

ON A RANDOM NYC STREET CORNER…

Trumpet music plays. Camera cuts to ‘Statute of Liberty’.

“Trumpets? Why it must be Mother Fucking Donald Trump Time!”

The Donald, Ivanka and Don. Jr. approach the candidates who are waiting on the street corner.

Candidates – “Hello, Mr. Trump.”

The Donald – “Okay we’re going to make this quick. I still need to take my morning constitutional.”

The Donald tells everyone he knows they’re familiar with big business, but there’s tremendous money in small business.

For this task The Donald is having the candidates run a hotel and spa for dogs.

The Donald – “It’ll be the sexiest challenge I’ll ever have you do.”

 

Steaurt – “How so?”

The Donald – “You’ll be orchestrating Lady & the Tramp spaghetti dog dinners, drawing fragant bubble baths for our Honeymoon Hound Dog suite, and administering rabies vaccines.”

Clint – “Hot damn! I love giving rabies vaccines!”

The Donald adds that the teams will have to create an ad for their Hotel & Dog Spa that will be judged on three criteria. Don. Jr. explains that criteria.

1. Execution of your responsibilities. 2. Creativity and sustainability of your value ad. 3. The overall experience.

 

Don Jr. – “Does your doggy client enjoy its happy ending massage?” The Donald – “Does your doggy client enjoy the Animal Planet Skinamax channel in the Honeymoon Hound Dog suite.” Ivanka – “Seriously guys? This isn’t a brothel for dogs.”

Ivanka tells the candidates that they will also be visited by famed Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan. Millan will also be a judge for this task.

The Donald demands to know who will be the project managers. Ginger James steps forward for Team Octane. The Donald exclaims “James!!! Wow this could be very dangerous.”

Ginger James – “Nah it’s cool.” Android David – “Bwhahaaha”.

Android David tells us in a taunting voice “Our project manager for this task is Ginger James! Yay! I can’t stand Ginger James.”

Android David (clapping) – “I’m so fired up to lose this task so Ginger James can go home. My plan is to roofie Ginger James and take an incriminating photo of him with a client.” ‘wink’ ‘wink’ “Yes, Androids can wink. Duh!”

Tyana steps up for Team Fortitude.

The Donald wants to see the Trump Tower for dogs.

IN TEAM OCTANE’S VAN…

The men strategize. Wade apparently has spent thousands of dollars on pets over the years. He wishes he would have had notifications from the kennel on how his pets were doing. Someone recommends a web cam. Check out Android David’s face.

Android David – “Hmm nanny cam. Setting up Ginger James’ downfall may be easier than I thought.”

Ginger James is all over the idea.

IN TEAM FORTITUDE’S VAN…

The women decide to delegate tasks. Mahsa admits that she is terrified of dogs and would prefer to run the front desk.

Mahsa – “Look I may be a bitch but real bitches scare the shit out of me.”

Tyana wants to work the front desk. Mahsa says that Tyana is just a jealous cow.

TEAM OCTANE…

Goes to their team site. Everyone sits down and Ginger James apologizes got his lack of respect. Android David snickers. Anand tells us no one respects Ginger James and begging for forgiveness won’t work.

Anand – “Taking us to McDonald’s and buying us Happy Meals though.. now that’s  start.”

Octane sits down with a dog shop owner and discuss the ways of greeting pets and other essential dog business info they should know.

Android David asks the expert how do you deal with dogs when they misbehave?

Android David – “Do you vaporize them?” Ginger James – “I don’t think that’s appropriate.” Android David – “Talk to the hand.”

Ginger James and Android David start fighting. Ginger James threatens to bench the Android for the rest of the task. Android David says fine you’ll lose the task. Ginger James calls time out.

The two go into another room. Ginger James says “It’s a doggie daycare center. We’re not in the business of abusing dogs.” Android claims he just wanted to know the answer. The two then argue over showing respect. Android David says show me respect and you’ll get it back.

TEAM FORTITUDE…

Fortitude meets with their dog daycare expert. They go on a tour of the facility. Stephanie comes up with the concept for Tailwag Tuesdays as a promotional day with little doggie gift bags and stuff.

Kelly – “Tailwang Tuesdays? We’re going to give them dogs’ tails and penises?” Poppy – “Tailwag, not wang.” Kelly – “Oh. So we still have to cut off their tails?” Poppy – “Did you ride the short bus?” Kelly – “How did you know?”

Tyana starts assigning girls to dogs. She gives Mahsa the big dogs which makes no sense. Mahsa is terrified of dogs, but it won’t stop her. She tells us Tyana’s plan will backfire.

TEAM OCTANE…

Ginger James assigns Android David the task of the web cam. Then he tells everyone he wants to have a three-step program: pampering, therapy and activity. Gene pipes up that he wants to do red carpet for the entrance. Ginger James asks Wade if he would like to decorate the entrance. Wade is like okay but tells us that it makes no sense. He has the most dog expertise, why waste his talents on decorating?

The owner comes in and wants to get started, but Ginger James says he needs two more minutes. The owner, who looks pissed, carries away his dog mannequin.

Owner – “Isn’t this the dollar waiting on the dime”.

The rest of the team is like

“What?!?! Oh nooooo!”

Clint says Ginger James never even apologized. The men disperse to go get started on their individual tasks.

TEAM FORTITUDE…

Mahsa is attempting to deal with the huge pile of dog shit she’s been dealt when Don. Jr. stops by. Tyana tells him she didn’t expect him to visit or go to each individual and ask questions.

Don Jr. catches that Mahsa is terrified of dogs. He thinks it’s questionable to put someone terrified of dogs in that position.

Don Jr. – “It’s like my father sending me to run a promo booth at a circus or visiting my mother Ivana: he knows that carnies terrify me.”

Camera cuts back to Mahsa who is telling the dogs to stop humping.

TEAM OCTANE…

Ivanka stops by Team Octane. Ginger James tells her they have three programs because there is no one size fits all.

Ivanka – “That’s what she said.”

Ivanka says Ginger James isn’t very articulate and he’s going to need more clarity prior to his presentation.

Gene, Android David and Wade arrive back with decorations. Wade explains they couldn’t find any red carpet so they’re stuck with green. Ginger James says managing this team is like hurting cats, it’s miserable. Ginger James decides to scale back on the grand entrance.

Android David – “Ugghh but I wanted the dogs to feel like stars!” Wade – “I just bought a ton of green crap. Kermit the Frog is right. It’s not easy being fucking green.”

Android David starts spasing out about nails because Gene didn’t put them in the bag. The Android rushes up to Clint asking him if he can use his clippies for nails. Clint is like sure do what you have to just leave me the hell alone.

Ginger James – “I don’t know what planet Android David lives on that he can turn a binder clip into a nail.”

The two start fighting again. Ginger James asks Android David to leave.

TEAM FORTITUDE…

Liza tells us her role in this task was to handle the report cards and banners. She runs into trouble when Steve, their printer guy, is unable to open the attachments. Stephanie tells us as a team they are unable to operate with Liza.

JUDGMENT DAY…

Gene tells us everyone is doing their parts to try and win without the Android.

It’s officially Tailwag Tuesday at Team Fortitutde. Kelly tells us she doesn’t understand this whole butt-sniffing thing. Camera cuts to each team bathing dogs.

Dog – “Yeah, I’m a  Bukake Queen on Tuesdays. Can you use Vidal Sassoon? Thanks.”

Montage of picking up dog crap, chasing after dogs and Liza snapping a photo and blinding a dog.

Cesar Millan arrives to visit team Fortitude. Tyana creams her pants when she meets him.

Millan walks around and observes. He tells Kelly and Mahsa they should never a pet a dog while it’s eating.

Mahsa – “Makes sense.” Kelly – “I lost a finger once when trying to brush a dog’s teeth when it was eating.” Cesar Millan – “Did you ride the short bus?”

Cesar Millan moves onto team Octane’s store. Cesar tells us there were too many leaders creating a conflict; however, he loved the web cam idea.

BOARDROOM TIME…

The candidates gather in the boardroom. The Donald walks in, sits down and asks “You like dogs, Ginger James?” Ginger James replies – “Yes sir.” The Donald asks “Was your team a dog?” Ginger James is like ehhhhh.

The Donald – “It’s okay to admit it. I’ll admit some of my ex-wives are dogs. That’ s why they’re my exes now. Amazing how cataract surgery opens ones eyes.”

The Donald asks Android David his thoughts on Ginger James as a project manager. The Android recaps his issues with Ginger James. The Donald comments you really hate him, don’t ya Android. The Donald asks for Gene’s thoughts. Gene fills The Donald in on how Ginger James fired the Android to prevent further disruptions. Android David asks to explain. He describes the binder clip nail incident. The Donald is intrigued as is Don Jr.

Don Jr. – “Interesting. I wonder if that would work. Maybe Myth Busters could try it.”

Ginger James pulls out exhibit A. a binder clip from his pocket.

Ginger James – “How can you build nails out of a binder clip?” Android David – “I can do it.”

The Donald – “Can you spin straw into gold, Rumpelstiltskin Android?”

The Donald moves onto Clint. He asks for Clint’s opinion of Ginger James as a team leader. Clint tells how Ginger James blew off the owner on the first day. Ivanka and Don Jr. agree with Clint that was a bad move on Ginger James part.

The Donald looks at Tyana and asks her “Are you ready?” Tyana smiles and says yes. He asks her if she thinks they won. Tyana says it’s a good possibility. The Donald grins and says who in your team was afraid of dogs. Mahsa raises her hand and says “Me.”

The Donald – “Mahsa, why are you afraid? You’re the baddest bitch. You tear apart people for a living.”

Tyana tries to play if off, but Ivanka asks her if this was a set-up.

The Donald asks Stephanie who is the weakest player. Stephanie says Liza because she is negative and overly emotional. Liza called Poppy a bitch off-camera. Don Jr. points out that Liza’s voice is cracking. Liza says she is emotional because they’re supposed to be a team, and she’s all alone.

The Donald – “I love tears. This boardroom runs on tears and fear. Behind that wall is a gargoyle that soaks up fear. It makes the most delicious elixir that I add to my soup. I got the idea from an ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’ episode.”

The Donald asks everyone if they are ready because the winner of this challenge is team Fortitude. Tyana’s prize is to meet with The Donald’s friend Russell Simmons. The Donald looks at Liza and says

The Donald – “Isn’t this nice? You still have to live with these bitches.”

The women laugh.

The Donald – “I’m on fire today.”

Don Jr. – “Only you could call women bitches and make them laugh.”

The women leave the boardroom. The men continue to argue. Ivanka calls Android David out on his insubordination.

Ginger James selects to bring back Wade and Android David with him to the boardroom. Wade is pissed. He wants to know why. Ginger James thinks Wade stays in the background and his contributions are subpar.

Don Jr. thinks that no one respects Ginger James because of his elitist air since he went to Duke and Georgetown for school.

Wade thinks The Donald should fire Ginger James. If he does, Wade promises to step up as project manager for the next challenge. The Donald tells Ginger James he is very disappointed in him. Although Android David is a wise ass, it was Ginger James who caused the team to lose.

The Donald – “Ginger James, you’re fired!”