PREVIOUSLY ON THE APPRENTICE…
The Donald welcomed 16 new candidates effected by the recession. He split the worker bees into two groups: men vs women. Along the way it was discovered that candidate David was an “android” thus earning the nickname Android David. Android David christened the men’s team: Octane because that is the fuel he runs on, and it’s basically a really fucking awesome name. Meanwhile the women’s team came up with the name Fortitude to describe how they have guts. I’m not sure that they are gut busters, but I’d definitely wager that Masha would feast upon guts like a wild she-wolf if given the opportunity.
At the end of the episode, Gene barely lead his Team Octane to victory over Fortitude. Fortitude team leader Nicole brought Tyana and Mahsa back into the board room with her. The Donald decided Nicole made an excellent pageant queen but a sucky project manager and fired her.
The rest of team Fortitude joins team Octane who is relaxing on the couch. One of the ladies asks “What does Octane stand for?” Stephanie thinks it sounds like a drink.
Then Tyana and Mahsa return from the boardroom. The ladies scream. Lot’s of hugging. Gene in the backround is yelling wow.
Gene – “This is so exciting. Why is everyone hugging? Did Matlock get renewed?”
Tyana tells the camera “Ding dong the witch is dead.” The women toast good riddance to Nicole.
On the otherside of the room, Android David announces his ascension to project manager.
Clint – “Oh shit.”
Android David tells us his teammates underestimate him. Right now they think he’s funny and witty, but they haven’t seen the true side of him. He wants to be project manager so he can prove that he’s a valuable asset.
Android David – “And set my plan in motion to ban Liza Minelli from all human iPods and televisions. It is a little known fact that one raspy “Come to the cabaret” is like an EMP to us Androids.”
Clint tells us Android David told them he wanted to be the next project manager, and Clint guesses that he and the guys could have cut Android David off at the knees but…
Clint – “Cutting through steel titanium Lt. Dan legs is difficult and no one wanted to risk electrocution.”
Clint thinks this could be the kiss of death for team Octane.
Android David – “I heard that Clint. More like the kiss of death for Liza Minelli and the resurrection of Rick Astley. After I’ve ‘Rick Rolled’ all of you, “Never gonna give you up” will become the national anthem for this planet.”
IN CENTRAL PARK…
The candidates head over to Central Park to meet with The Donald. The Donald tells them today they will be doing something very exciting.
Ginger James – “I hope my SPF is strong enough. Steuart – “Sweet. Btw do you think you could score me a table at Dorsia?” Gene – “I like turtles.”
The Donald – “Gene, I only like turtles if they are making me money. And today we are making money by selling ice cream.”
The Donald explains that the teams will be selling ice cream all over New York City.
The Donald – “It’s very simple. The team that makes the most money wins. Even Rosie O’Donnell could do it. Nevermind she’d eat all the ice cream. And can anyone explain to me why she pretended to have a crush on Tom Cruise? Anyone with eyes could see those combat boots from a mile away.”
For this challenge The Donald’s eyes and ears will be Donald Jr. and George.
George – “I will be watching you.”
The Donald demands to know who will be the project managers. “I am,” yells Android David. Android David tells us he is used to sales. He is very good at what he does and the women don’t stand a chance in hell of winning this task.
Android David – “Everyone has been exposed to subliminal advertising since their entry from the womb. All I have to do is play on their ‘You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream.’”
Poppy steps forward and takes the position of project manager for team Fortitude. The Donald asks if Poppy is up for the challenge.
Poppy – “I think so Mr. Trump.”
The Donald thinks so too.
The Donald – “Sell lots of ice cream, but remember make lots of profit. Don’t stoop to being a soccer mom who buys her own kid’s candy just so Jimmy has the most sales. You’ll be in the red and fat. And if you’re married to me I’ll divorce you. Just go out there and sell it.”
AT TEAM OCTANE…
Android David tells everyone that when we are doing street sales we need something to drawl everyone in. So Android David assigns uniforms to Ginger James and Alex.
Alex – “I’m nervous and excited. Will I have to show a lot of skin? I’m totally fine with giving a nip slip to make a sale.”
Android David wants to know which team member out of the group knows the city the best, and where would he recommend they go. Ginger James says Union Square is their best bet for sales.
Ginger James tells us he had planned to fly under the radar but…
Ginger James – “I stumbled upon Android David’s plan to ‘rick roll’ us. Who better than me, a Rick Astley look-a-like, to assist the ‘droid’ with his plan. Maybe he will make me second in command.”
AT TEAM FORTITUDE…
Poppy announces that she is putting Mahsa in charge of location. Smart move Poppy, get crazy Mahsa on your side by assigning her an important task. Poppy also wants Stephanie in charge of sales because that is Stephanie’s strong area of expertise.
Liza is assigned accountant because she is the weakest in sales. Liza tells us anyone who knows her in real-life knows that she isn’t an accounting person.
Liza – “I’m not Mr. Scrooge. I don’t count, I spend. And bitch, if it’s cold you better be damn straight I’m going to buy more coal and a new fur coat.”
Kelly is a little concerned about Poppy being the project manager. She thinks that Stephanie could overpower her and run the show.
Kelly – “It would be like Sarah Palin controlling that dead guy John McCain just like ‘Weekend at Bernie’s.’”
Tyana yells “We’re going to sell the shit out of this. Let’s blow their asses out of the water.”
TEAM OCTANE: UNION SQUARE..
The ice cream truck has pulled up and team Octane is chanting “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!”
Gene is standing out in the middle of the square yelling.
Gene – “Come and get yourself some chocolate. I mean ice cream, not me.”
Steuart and Anand attempt to get some ladies to buy ice cream by yelling “Hey ladies, we need your help.” Yeah, because that will really work.
Steuart – “Want to suck on a popsicle?” Anand – “Why don’t you come bring your milk shake to our yard?”
Steaurt tells us they were screaming their heads off and really going up to people and haggling them.
Steuart – “We weren’t afraid to use scare tactics. I threatened this one woman if she didn’t buy ice cream I was going to shove a Nestle Drumstick down her son’s throat. He is allergic to peanuts. She bought the ice cream.”
Ginger James tells us the hard sell makes him really uncomfortable, and it doesn’t appear to be working. He convinces Android David to move to another location and start over with a more low-key approach.
TEAM FORTITUDE: UNION SQUARE…
Kelly tells us team Octane is already selling around the corner so Fortitude really needs to step it up.
Fortitude screws up by quoting a man two different prices: $3 and $5. The man gets frustrated and leaves.
Man – “You broads don’t know what the hell you’re doing. I’ll go get ice cream from that nice android over there. Heard he’s giving away CDs of ‘Whenever You Need Somebody’ with every purchase.”
Stephanie tells us Liza told the customer “The ice cream is $5 but we can give it to you for $3.” Stephanie says if Liza was her employee she would fire her. Stephanie goes to Poppy and tells her she needs to put her foot down: the ice cream is $5.
Mahsa gets told off by a woman who snaps “Ice cream sandwiches for $5, you outta be ashamed of yourself.”
“Ice cream sandwiches used to cost a nickel, and you could go to the movies for 10 cents. I walked 30 miles to school and there was no internet.” Kids in background – “Yo lady, are you like Encino Man or something?”
Mahsa tells us you can’t let the haters get to you.
Mahsa – “Who was she fooling? Obviously that woman eats a lot of ice cream sandwiches. Each leg was this big.”
Poppy says this task is a lot more difficult than they anticipated. They’re basically selling themselves out there.
Liza blurts out “We’re not a brand. People walking down the street don’t know what we are. That’s why I want wigs or something.”
Stephanie replies “Go get pink tank tops.”
Poppy and Liza go to the store.
Poppy – “And then I thought…what would Drew Barrymore do? She’d put a huge flower in her hair.“
They buy pink tank tops and flower headbands for team Fortitude’s uniform.
Sales start booming as the women stand on a corner in their new uniforms. Stephanie also has the girls aim to sell cases instead of single popsicles.
Ginger James and Alex split from the group and head out to find team uniforms. They walk into a Halloween shop. Alex asks “How about a couple of boas.”
Ginger James – “Sure Alex, and then The Donald will tell us a story about his own Too Wong Foo encounter before firing us.”
Ginger James tells us they need something that will catch the customer’s eye.
Ginger James – “Hmm clowns. I bet Pennywise likes ice cream.”
Ginger James then zones in on barbershop vests.
Ginger James – “One button or two?” Alex – “We got to sell.” Ginger James – “Okay one button. God I feel like such a hussy.”
Alex and Ginger James pick up some hats and wigs to go with the vests and head back to team Octane.
Back in the park Android David is sporting the new vest and telling customers to go check out his striped gentleman.
Android David -”Step right up. Get an eyeful of my Chippendale striped men, a mouthful of ice cream and an earful of Rick Astley. My god I have so much power… This must be what it feels like to be Al Swearengen.”
Alex asks people to take pity on some down on their luck men and to buy some ice cream.
Android David tells us Alex is a follower, the puppy dog of the team. He explains you can’t put a puppy dog in front of people in New York City and expect it to sell ice cream.
Android David – “The only logical thing to do is eat the puppy dog.”
Ginger James say he has never sold anything before and isn’t having much luck right now.
Ginger James – “Every time I try to sell, a customer thinks I’m trying to take their soul.”
In the distance, team Octane can hear the girls from team Fortitude screaming. Clint looks over and exclaims “They took our spot.”
Clint to Steaurt – “Hey Britney, why don’t you stop flexing your arms and showing off your midriff and get your ass out there and sell some ice cream.” Steaurt – “What’s with the hat? You look like you’re going to a rodeo.” Clint – “I am at a rodeo, with you clowns.” Gene – “Rodeo? I’m an excellent mechanical bullrider.”
Clint is pissed and wants to know why the girls are selling more. Someone suggests because the girls’ location is tourists and their location is actual New Yorkers. Ginger James says although it was Android David’s decision to move he does take some responsibility for suggesting moving closer to the playground.
Android David agrees that they need to leave Union Square.
Poppy tells us the afternoon crowd has gotten really slow. Uh oh. Dramatic music begins to play. Could it be? It’s Donald Jr.!
Donald Jr. – “I can’t believe he made me take the fucking subway.”
Donald Jr. hangs back and observes the ladies at work. He notes the biggest flaw in their sales approach is not having a couple of women stationed over at the subway entrance to tell people about the ice cream.
Stephanie walks over and reminds the girls to spread out again and stop hanging out in groups.
Octane is now in the van and on the move.
Ginger James – “A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of, you wouldn’t get this from any other guy…” Android David – “Ginger James, it’s flat. From the top again!”
Octane (chorus) – “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you….”
Ginger James helps Anroid David settle on their new location: Father Demo Park.
Gene is off to the side yelling,
Gene – “Why don’t you swing this way and make your swagger sweeter.”
Meanwhile Anand is saying he has cones and fudge pops.
Anand – “Do I really have to sing the Milk, Milk Lemonade song in order for you to buy a fudge pop?” Woman – “Yes.” Anand (sigh) – “Milk, milk lemonade, round the corner fudge is made…”
And Clint is standing atop a concrete slab.
Clint – “Step right up and buy ice cream from a genuine rhinestone cowboy.”
Anand tells us at first he was concerned there wasn’t enough foot traffic at Demo Park, but then once people saw their funny uniforms their sales picked up.
Steuart – “Ice cream! Ice cream!” Passerby on the street – “Nice abs.” Steaurt – “Why thank you.”
Android David tells us on his team he has two very good-looking out-going gentleman.
Android David – “And I’m going to use their sexual napalm to my advantage.”
Steaurt – “Beautiful men want you to buy ice cream from them. How often do you get this experience?”
Android David tells us he has unleashed the stallions from the barn.
Android David – “Now let’s just hope Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t go after them.”
Android David adds “They always say you don’t stable your stallion when he’s leading the race, you let him loose.”
Steaurt even does push-ups to entice female customers.
Steaurt – “100, 101…”
Sales really pick up, and Steuart tells us he thinks Ginger James got back in Android David’s good graces by picking Father Demo Park.
Fortitude is in the van and on the move. Stephanie tells the girls she doesn’t want anyone kissing babies or petting dogs. They’re not in politics.
Liza – “What if a baby centaur comes up to buy ice cream? It’s not a real baby, human or pet.” Stephanie – “Centaurs don’t fucking exist, Liza!”
Poppy tells us by the end of the first day Stephanie had started bossing them around. Liza tells us clearly Stephanie is the one making the decisions.
Day 2 OF ICE CREAM SELLING…
Team Octane returns to Union Square and plan to steal back their original spot from the women.
Clint tells a customer “Well, we have some frozen breakfast bars otherwise known as ice cream sandwiches for you this morning.”
Clint – “Bob Evans is no longer down on the farm…he’s dead on the farm. So replace that dead guy’s sausage biscuit with an ice cream sandwich.”
Team Fortitude spots team Octane’s cart in their spot. Stephanie is livid. Fortitude decides to set-up right next to Octane and push the guys out.
The ladies arrive but the men aren’t threatened. Clint smirks “What took you ladies so long?”
Android David says “Game on.”
Android David – “And you should know this boy can play mean pinball.”
Stephanie is not impressed by the guys’ technique.
Stephanie – “They look like a bunch of serial killer circus monkeys.”
Android David instructs Steaurt to shoo away the crows so Steuart runs out into the middle of the square and yells
Steuart – “Beware of the charlatans that are ahead of you. They’re nothing but tricksters!”
Kelly is offended by Steuart’s choice of the words. She says the connotation offends her.
Kelly – “Trick Daddy ain’t no trickster. Trick loves the kids.”
Steuart says Kelly is being a cry baby. She’s just mad that he is selling more ice cream than her.
Steuart – “And if you’ll excuse me I have to go return some videotapes and sell some more ice cream.”
Mahsa says she is done acting like a vulture. They have an hour left. She wants to know if the girls want to stay.
Poppy decides to take the girls to the park so they can sell ice cream to the kids and parents. Android David and Clint are ecstatic.
Android David and Clint – “Inside we both know what’s been going on, we know the game and we’re gonna play it!!” Toodles!!”
Fortitude does awesome at the new location. Poppy does take note that if they do lose, Liza is the weakest sales person.
George arrives to see how the men are doing. He tells the men that they picked a good spot. Android David tells George that the girls were here earlier, but they cut tail and ran.
George – “You got tail, huh? Well, good for you.” Android David – “I said cut tail.” George – “You want to get a cocktail? With me? Are you a homoerotic robot?”
George says you have to be aggressive to sell ice cream.
The women have sold as much as they can and with time winding down Tyana suggests giving away free ice cream to take sales away from the men.
The women cock block the men’s sales until time runs out.
AT TRUMP TOWER…
Everyone files into the boardroom. The Donald comes in and asks Poppy “How do you think you did?”
Poppy – “A wonderful job, and I bet the men have ice cream blue balls from us cock blocking their sales.”
The Donald – “Frozen blue balls. Watch out fellas. You know what happened to the Ice Man’s dick. Broke right off and probably eaten by a mountain lion or Rosie O’Donnell.”
The Donald asks Poppy if she thinks they won. Poppy replies yes. The Donald wants to know if she thinks they had an advantage because they’re all beautiful women. The Donald continues “Personally if I had to buy ice cream from you Poppy or Liza or any of the other women Android David wouldn’t have a fucking chance.”
The Donald – “Because I like to eat my ice cream with a hard-on. It takes me back to that time I got a blowjob from an Eskimo princess while I was scouting properties in the Arctic Tundra.”
Team Octane – “Hahahaha. That’s some story Mr. Trump.”
The Donald asks Brandy if she thinks she had an advantage by being a woman. Brandy replies no. The Donald is shocked as is Steuart.
Steaurt – “I would have killed to switch bodies with you for the day. I would have sold so much ice cream with those tits.”
Brandy says the men also played up the sex appeal. She tells The Donald that even though he might not see it several of the men are quite good looking.
The Donald replies “I’m sure they are but that’s never been my deal.”
The Donald – “I’ve never had any desire to explore the Hershey Trail with my wang.”
“Hahaha you’re so funny, Mr. Trump.”
The Donald gets down to business and asks Poppy “Who is your weakest player?”
Poppy hedges but finally says “Liza.”
Liza’s eyes narrow.
Poppy says her decision is based on sales. Liza starts going off saying how the shirts and headbands were her idea. Donald Jr. starts to zone out.
Donald Jr. – “First the subway now Kelly Kapour here is rambling on about pink shirts. I think I’m getting a migraine. Oh hello there happy place…”
Finally, The Donald cuts her off.
The Donald – “Enough Liza! You’re in deep trouble. Look you made Don, Jr. zone out. George, get the cattle prod and bring Don back to focus.”
The Donald asks Brandy should Liza be fired. Brandy replies if she were project manager she would recommend that Liza be fired. The Donald looks at Liza and booms “Liza, you’re fired.” Damn!
The Donald – “I’m just joshing with you. You’re not fired.”
“Ohhh that was scary! I shit myself!”
The Donald says “You don’t even know if you lost yet” while the guys catch their breath. Android David laughs manically.
Android David – “Bwhahaha. You humans terrify so easily. Like that time you thought your precious Bieber was dead.”
The Donald says he’s just in a crazy mood today; however, he is really surprised at how scared Mahsa got. Oh and look Donald Jr. has rejoined us.
Donald Jr. – “Thanks, George.” George – “Anytime.”
The Donald asks Liza if she thinks that Poppy was a good project manager. Liza throws Poppy under the bus and says that this whole task was run by Stephanie. The Donald asks for Mahsa’s opinion.
Mahsa says she would not fire Poppy. The Donald asks Mahsa if she thinks they won. She replies “I know we won.” The Donald demands to know how she knows they won.
Mahsa – “Because I dabbled in the same witchcraft that Christine O’Donnell did.”
The Donald gets angry and tells her to correct herself and say “I think I won. Because you can’t know that you did.” Mahsa backs down and apologizes.
The Donald – “And don’t ever mention that anti-masturbator’s name in my boardroom again. Trump properties is a whack-off friendly place. It’s why we have the best cleaning crew in all of New York City.”
The Donald turns to Android David and asks “Do you think you won?”
Android David replies “I’m very confident that we won. My team did well.”
The Donald asks “Who is your weakest player?”
Android David replies “Alex and Ginger James.”
“Why” asks The Donald.
Android David says because Alex has a puppy dog mentality.
The Donald – “You mean he’s a weak human being.”
Android David – “I won’t say he’s weak. Every human is here for a reason. If you didn’t have Scott Baio, who would have been in charge in ‘Charlies in Charge’?”
The Donald asks Alex how he feels being called the weakest link. Alex doesn’t feel like he’s the weakest player. The Donald also wants to know why Ginger James?
Android David says Ginger James over thinks every item that is given to him. He says in a task that is nitty gritty like selling ice cream, he doesn’t want to know the formula or ingredients in the ice cream.
Android David – “OMG there’s high fructose corn syrup in this popsicle.”
Ginger James admits that he has never sold anything before. The Donald shares that he knows lots of talented people who were even better than Frank Sinatra but failed because they couldn’t sell themselves.
The Donald – “Skippy McGee could sing his ass off but was a pussy and instead one eye Sammy Davis Jr. beat him out to become a member of the Rat Pack.”
The Donald asks Gene “If your team loses and I’m forced to fire someone who should it be?”
Gene replies “Ginger James.” Wade also replies “Ginger James.”
Donald Jr. asks Ginger James “Why are you nodding in agreement?”
Donald Jr. – “I thought gingers have no souls. Why are you letting them bash you?”
The Donald – “Is that true or an urban legend? I can borrow Tom Cruise’s thetan e-meter and we can find out right now.”
The Donald wants to know why Ginger James isn’t fighting for himself. George wants to know why too.
George – “Did someone snatch your ginger snatch boy? Stand up for yourself.”
Finally Ginger James lists off his contributions to the challenge: vests and location. Android David cuts in saying “But you did it in your single speed slow motion.”
The Donald wants to know what is Ginger James slow motion.
The Donald – “You mean ’80s slow motion like when you jump into the air and freeze at the end of a movie? I tried to get my workers to do that. They’d never stay in the air.”
Android David replies “He puts me to sleep Mr. Trump and that’s very hard to do.”
Android David – “I don’t have a sleep cycle.”
Ginger James says “That is absurb!”
Ginger James – “For a guy who is so irratic and suspectible to breakdowns…” Android David – “This machine does not breakdown.”
Android David scoffs “Susceptible to breakdowns?!?!”
The Donald snaps “Enough.” He asks Gene “Do you think you won?” Gene replies “Absolutely.” The Donald reminds Gene that nothing is 100 percent guaranteed.
Finally, The Donald reveals how much money was made. One team earned $1500, the other $1800.
The Donald – “And for Gene who said absolutely we won, you lost. Booyah!”
The Donald contratulates team Fortitude on their win and tells Poppy her prize is to meet with his friend, the legendary Jack Welch who ran General Electric for years.
The women are dismissed to go relax and watch the men’s grilling on t.v.
Android David admits that he is surprised that Octane lost. Meanwhile in the lounge area Poppy starts to thank the women when Liza cuts her off and says “Don’t even look at me bitch.”
Back in the boardroom Wade tells The Donald they lost because of sales. Android David continues to bash Ginger James and Alex. It’s obvious they will be joining the Android in the boardroom so The Donald dismisses everyone else.
Ginger James thinks Alex’s performance has been sub-par on both tasks. The Donald looks at Alex and tells him “You don’t have a lot of energy.” Alex says he jumped up and down for this challenge.
Android David grudgingly admits that Ginger James is the better person, but in terms of more effort for this challenge it would be Alex.
The Donald asks Alex “Do you feel you’re in their league? You’re surrounded by killers.” Alex replies that he can be.
Ginger James interjects “The I can be just shows that Alex isn’t in our league.” George agrees.
George – “Just get on with it and fire Alex. I’m fucking starving and want to get a sandwich at the Carnegie Deli.”
Alex says he put all the effort he had into this challenge without manhandling. He doesn’t believe in manhandling.
The Donald – “Well, I do. You’re fired!”
See you next week!