The Bachelor Recap: All Thai-ed Up

สวัสดี, Gasmii. Google tells me that’s how you say “hello” in Thai. I hope that’s right and I haven’t offended anyone who is Thai or speaks Thai. If you haven’t already guessed, Sean and the remaining three ladies (AshLee, Lindsay, and Catherine) are in Thailand!

On behalf of the United States, I would like to ask that this lady pass along my apology for sending this sleazy show to Thailand. 

I hope you all have your drinks ready. We’re going to take our shots in a new way! When ever anyone says “best friend,” you take the same number of shots as times it’s said in this episode. We should be drunk enough to deal with all the crazy packed into this. So, let’s get to it!

We arrive in Si Kao Thailand. Sean gives us a boring intro about how this week in Thailand could change his entire life, he doesn’t know who he’s going to go home at the end of this week, blah, blah, blah. AshLee’s habit of talking only in cliches has apparently rubbed off on him. While laying in a hammock, Sean goes over each of the girls in his head. He starts out by saying that the spark between Catherine and himself is undeniable. Undeniable to whom? We’ve seen them interact all of twice this entire show! Sean’s relationship with AshLee is the strongest of any of them. Bullshit. We get a montage of AshLee talking about how she was abandoned as a child. Did you guys know AshLee was adopted? It’s a good thing she and Sarah don’t have a talk show. They’d only ever discuss two things.

On today’s show, we’ll be talking about orphans with one arm!

Gah! We hear more about how AshLee felt like her parents didn’t want her. Fuck you, AshLee. Your parents are the two people that raised you and loved you despite all the shit you admittedly put them through. Yes, I can imagine it is confusing and difficult for her to understand why her biological parents gave her up. However, maybe it’s time for her to realize that her adoption meant that she had a better life than she would have had. All she talks about is how her biological parents didn’t want her. I’d love for her to just take a moment to be grateful to Pastor Bruce and Deborah who were the parents that DID want her. *Breathe.* Sorry. My rant is over.

We move on to Sean talking about Lindsay. Apparently they have a spark too! Does that mean that Catherine and Lindsay each only get half a spark with Sean? Oh, never mind. The spark he has with Lindsay has become a flame. They don’t have to share. Sean tells us that it’s crazy to think about where he and Lindsay started (her being drunk and in a wedding dress) and how far they’ve come. We get a flashback of Lindsay telling Sean she wants to marry her best friend (ONE SHOT!). Apparently, Sean realized he could see himself with Lindsay when they were in Montana. We get another flashback of Lindsay talking about her dad going off to war when she was “an adolescent” and that he was gone throughout her “adolescence.” Who he hell talks like that?

Sean walks along the beach and tells us that although he was excited to be “The Bachelor,” he never thought he’d get to this point. What did he think was going to happen on the show? I really want to know this. Did he think he’d fall in love with one person immediately and then just string the other girls along for 10 weeks? Did he think he’d meet not a single girl that he liked and also string them along for 10 weeks? 

Maybe he just used this as an excuse to give up shirts for Lent.

As we go to commercial and Chris Harrison gives us the “coming up” segment, we hear Sean say, “You’re the best friend I’ve been looking for.” (TWO SHOTS!) We come back from commercial and Sean and Linsay are going on a date. Lindsay is wearing some platform wedges. Now, I loves me some platform wedges, but they’re probably not the best idea for going out on a day-long (possibly overnight) date. Flats might have been a bit smarter. Then again, this is Lindsay we’re talking about. She tells us that, if today goes well, she’s going to tell Sean that she loves him.

Sean tells Lindsay that he has something exciting planned for them today. The excitement starts off with them taking a samlo. Google just taught me that “samlo” means “three wheels.” This is what it is:

Can we ditch Sean and Lindsay and hang out with the dog? 

Theirs is motorized, but I just liked the dog. We get some foreshadowing when Sean asks if Lindsay is adventurous about trying new food. Lindsay answers that she is, but she won’t eat a bug (remember this for the next few minutes). For today’s exciting date, Sean has taken Lindsay to the Si Kao (I keep wanting to write that “sea cow”) market. Wait. So this “exciting date” was basically going to the local grocery store? I hope I’m never on a date with a guy who surprises me my taking me to Trader Joe’s. Also, have you noticed that Sean’s dates with Lindsay have been pretty boring. I mean, AshLee and Sean went to a private beach in St. Croix. Catherine got to spend the day playing on a glacier in Canada. So far, Lindsay has gone on a picnic in Montana and now the local market. Yeah, those things are pretty nice, but they’re not nearly the awesome dates other people on this show have had.

Happy anniversary, baby!

They see some dyed chicks. I’m not quite sure what to make of that. Are dyed chickens a thing in Thailand? Are they sold as pets? I’ll probably do some research later, but I want to get this recap posted. If anyone can tell me more about this, I’m actually quite interested.

I guess it’s a good thing Catherine the vegan wasn’t here for this.

Lindsay gives us the most insightful (sarcasm) statement of the entire season when she tells us that Thailand is “nothing like Fort Leonard Wood, MO.” Thanks for that, Lindsay. I was just wondering if Asia is anything like the American Midwest. I appreciate you clearing that up for me. They walk around for a while, and then Sean tells us that he wants to test Lindsay a little bit. Yes, all relationships should have a good amount of “testing.” Sean really likes to do that a lot. This test? Sean wants Lindsay to eat a bug! Remember a few episodes back when Sean said that he wasn’t going to find his wife by seeing who could compete a wilderness challenge the fastest? Apparently he doesn’t because now he’s adding in a “Fear Factor”-esque bug eating challenge! Also, Sean is really weird about having these women provethat they love him. 

In order for me to know how you feel, you have to do the one thing you said you didn’t want to do.

I love that Sean justifies this by saying, “You’re only in Thailand once.” I didn’t realize you were only allowed one trip ever to that country. Lindsay believes him and she eats a bug. She calls it “out of control.” I’m pretty sure that Lindsay doesn’t know what “out of control” really means. They eat some more weird things (I believe I saw chicken feet being consumed), buy some more things, and we get a voiceover of Sean telling us that he’s getting closer and closer to falling in love with Lindsay. Then Sean says something weird even for him. He tells us that he feels like he’s with his high school sweetheart and that’s what he wants in a marriage. I have to throw up in my mouth a little bit there. I know that sometimes people end up marrying the person they were with in high school. However, personally, I think back on my “high school sweetheart” and I’m so glad that didn’t happen. He’s a wonderful man and we’re still very close friends (we had the same core group of friends growing up and we all still hang out), but I’m so glad I’m not married to him! Am I weird in thinking this or is this just another symptom of Sean’s warped 1950s mindset?

We’ll have a white picket fence, 2.3 kids, and we’ll have bugs for dinner every night.

After the market, Sean and Lindsay make their way to the beach. Lindsay tells us that she knows that she has to tell Sean how she feels. Before that happens, they sit on a blanket and talk about how much fun they have and how much they enjoy being together. Sean tells Lindsay that she is the “best friend” he’s been looking for. (THREE SHOTS!) They make out and they look at each other awkwardly. Then I smile because they’re on Yong Ling Beach…or MONKEY BEACH!!!!! They feed some monkeys and it’s all types of adorable. Well, the monkeys are adorable. Sean and Lindsay are just kind of in the way of all the cuteness.

The monkeys get people to feed them. You tell me who is more evolved.

As they’re feeding the monkeys, Sean tells us that he thinks Lindsay could possible be his wife. I bet he says that about at least one of the other two ladies this episode. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he’s said that about everyone on this show. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he pictured Chris Harrison as his wife at some point. They make out in the water during the sunset and Lindsay tells us she’s afraid to tell Sean she loves him because she’s afraid of getting hurt. We get a lot of clearly production set up shots of them in the ocean.

Just a normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

After the monkeys and making out in the ocean, Sean wants to take Lindsay to dinner by the Thai floats because of course they go to the tackiest and most touristy part of Thailand. Lindsay feels like she’s in heaven. I really hope heaven isn’t like that.

If Sean and Lindsay are in heaven, I’ll take a one way ticket to hell please.

Sean asks if Lindsay is open to moving to Dallas to be with him. Is anyone that surprised that Sean would want the woman to move to him? Yeah, I didn’t think so. After some verbal diarrhea, Lindsay finally wants to tell Sean that she loves him. She starts by saying that they’re “best friends” (FOUR SHOTS!), but she wants him to know that she takes this “serious.” Someone teach that girl about adverbs right now! You take it seriously, Lindsay. However, just as Sean asks her what she’s thinking, we hear some music and dancers come in. I throw up in my mouth a little bit again when Sean turns to Lindsay and says, “Will you dance like that for me later?” Even though there may not be any sex in the fantasy suites, it seems that there will still be lots of kinkiness. After the dancers leave, Sean hands a card to Lindsay. They have the option of enjoying the fantasy suite tonight! Lindsay says yes because of course she does. No woman has ever said no to a fantasy suite on this show. Lindsay knows that she’ll probably be going home if she doesn’t say yes. 

As they walk to the suite, Sean tells us that every time he’s with Lindsay he knows that he’s falling in love with her. He says that they could look back one day and say that this was the moment that they knew they were going to spend their entire lives together. What a romantic story. “We knew we were going to get married on a national television show with millions of people watching while I [Sean] was still dating two other women.” What a fairy tale ending. They sit down on the bed and have a drink. Sean tells Lindsay all the adjectives that he is looking for in a woman and thinks that Lindsay could be his “best friend” (FIVE SHOTS!). He says again that he wants to go through life with his “best friend” (SIX SHOTS!) Lindsay FINALLY tells Sean that she loves him. He just smiles and kisses her. And Sean’s response? “I love hearing you say that.” Wow. Just…wow. I guess it’s a step up from “I know” or “thank you,” but it’s still pretty cringeworthy.  They make out all over the suite. 

The next day, it’s time for Sean and AshLee to have a date. Just like he is with Lindsay, Sean is falling in love with AshLee. AshLee interviews and tells us that she’s in Thailand with the love of her life. Really? A man she’s only known for about 10 weeks who has been dating other women the entire time is the love of her life? That makes me so sad for her. As they cuddle on a boat, AshLee further tells us that she knows with Sean she’ll have a lifetime of “unexpected adventures and fun.” She does know that “The Bachelor” franchise will no longer be paying for their dates when this show is all over, right? Somehow, I don’t think she does.

Just a typical Saturday night in AshLee’s mind.

Gah! AshLee just needs to stop talking! She says that she feels like she’s a schoolgirl in love and that Sean probably is her “true love.” Well, I guess that’s not too strange in her mind. When she really was “a schoolgirl in love,” she did marry the guy. Granted, it didn’t even last until her senior year in high school, but that’s not the point. She has never laid her “heart out there to be vulnerable.” Again, except for the time she got married when she was 17. AshLee “loves Sean more than words can possibly express” (then please stop trying to put it into words), but she doesn’t know where Sean’s head is. Well, we all know it’s with two other women at any given moment. 

As they sail, Sean tells us that he likes it when AshLee gets out of her comfort zone because she’s so set in her routine. Is being on dating reality show really a part of anyone’s routine? Well, aside from Sean and all the other “stars” of this show? As they approach Emerald Cave, Sean tells us that he’s got something scary planned for AshLee today. Again, he’s testing her to see if she trusts him. Apparently they’re going to their own private beach, but they have to swim through the cave to get to it. Wait a minute. AshLee gets another date on a private beach? Wow. This really makes Lidnsay’s picnic and grocery shopping dates seem like afterthoughts. 

Of course AshLee turns swimming through the cave into a metaphor for trust and she compares it to her fear of abandonment. Did you know that these fears go back to AshLee being abandoned as a child? I had no idea. I wish we had heard more about this all season. It really would have provided some insight when it comes to AshLee. SHUT UP, ASHLEE!!! Not everything is a metaphor for you learning to trust. Sometimes swimming through a cave to get to a private beach is just a fun, albeit producer planned, thing to do! I hope her biological parents are watching and thinking, “I’m glad we gave her up because I would be so annoyed to have a daughter who finds symbolism in every goddamn thing!”

I want the cave to collapses on her.

AshLee whines the entire time they’re swimming through the cave. At some point, she compares being with the person you love with going down a dark alleyway. AshLee has a very fucked up view of love. She is worried that Sean is going to say, “You’re amazing, but you’re not the one.” Well, sweetie, you came on the show knowing there was a really good chance he was going to say that. In the immortal words of Eric Matthews, “Life’s tough. Get a helmet.”

They emerge from the cave and Sean tells us that he loves feeling like AshLee’s protector. That is the basis for a fucked up relationship. Maybe I’m naive, but I like to think relationships are more about being equal and supporting one another rather than one person having to protect the other. Sean and AshLee’s whole relationship just reeks of “daddy issues.” The arrive on the beach and I have to admit that it’s pretty sweet. Then AshLee ruins it by saying that she’s not the same person who “started this journey.” Sean might want to seriously think about marrying AshLee if she feels like 10 weeks on a reality show have completely changed her life. They make out on the beach while AshLee tells us that she’s found the person who “completes the missing puzzle piece” in her life. That doesn’t even make sense.

A portrait of AshLee.

I zone out when she keeps talking in cliches. I just can’t with this one anymore. I don’t think this woman has an original thought in her head. I’m starting to wonder when she got this annoying? She seemed all right up until this episode. What the hell happened? After making out in the water and a commercial break, they have dinner on the beach. Who swam through the cave with their change of clothing? That seems like it would be a lot of effort. There has got to be a different way to get to that beach. Anyway, AshLee tells us that “every part of [her] being wants to be engaged to Sean next week.” This woman is really clinging hard. Wow. Just. Wow.

I told you I’d be using this a lot this season. 

AshLee knows that she will have the option to spend the night with Sean, but she’s not ready to “morally put [herself] out there.” That is the worst euphemism for sex I’ve ever heard. I guess AshLee’s morals are in her vagina. Sean hands AshLee the envelope containing the key to the fantasy suite. Wait, did they leave the private beach? It seems that way. I guess they edited that part out. Well, that explains the change of clothing, I guess. Sean tells us that it’s “crystal clear” that he’s falling in love with AshLee and he can see her being his wife. He goes on to tell us that he wants to stay up all night talking with AshLee and he doesn’t want her to think that the fantasy suite means they have to have sex. Huh. Why didn’t he give this speech to Lindsay? Maybe Lindsay got laid in the fantasy suite! Well, of course AshLee agrees to spend the night with Sean. Then they go into the suite and feed one another. Ew.

Foreplay to a night of “not sex.” 

They have the “why are you still single?” conversation. I just have to say, that is the dumbest question in the entire world. Whenever someone asks me why I’m single, I just say, “Because I’m not dating someone right now.” Anyway, Sean tells AshLee that he’s single because he spent his early- to mid-twenties “chasing other things” like his career. I wonder if Sean knows it’s possible to have a career and a relationship at the same time. Lots of people do it. It’s really not as hard as he makes it sound. AshLee tells Sean that she doesn’t take getting engaged lightly (that time in high school apparently doesn’t count), and to her, being engaged means you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with that person. I’m pretty sure that’s why it means to everyone, AshLee.

Almost.

AshLee continues to drone on about how she feels like she and Sean are falling madly in love with one another. I’d like to remind her that is not what is happening AT ALL! She keeps forgetting that she really is just one of Sean’s options in this entire situation. Forgetting that little detail, Sean tells AshLee that he’s confident that this is going to work out between them (remember that later). AshLee keeps driving the crazy train by describing her perfect engagement ring to him. She really is delusional! Oh, God! She interviews and tells us how she was broken and Sean fixed her broken heart and I need to take a break so I can go throw up for real. Thankfully, that segment is over.

It’s time to hang out with Catherine. I’m glad they saved her for last. She is the only one of these three that doesn’t seem delusional. I do have to ask, however, is Sean a little bit stupid? When Catherine runs up to him, he says, “You surprised me!” Really? He didn’t know she was coming on the day that they had their date planned? They’re just going to be cruising around for the day. Maybe we’ll get to see some of that fabled “undeniable spark” that Sean’s been talking about.

What’s your name again? 

Sean is still worried about Catherine’s lifestyle meshing with his so he’s got some more questions for her. As they’re sailing along, Catherine loses a few points in my book by yelling, “I’m queen of the world!” Welcome back to 1997. When they finally sit down to talk, Catherine wants to make sure Sean knows that she’s not always silly – she can be serious. Catherine tells him that she hasn’t been this open to anyone in about three years. Really? This is a pretty weird time to decide to open up to someone. Sean gets the closest to saying “I love you” to anyone when he says to Catherine, “I love your weirdness.” Sean tells us that he has realized he needs his “best friend (SEVEN SHOTS!) and Catherine fits that mold perfectly. Is he friendzoning her? This does not sound good for her. However, he is still worried that Catherine won’t want to settle down and have a family in Dallas. When he brings this up to her, she reassures him that she is over living in Seattle and would be open to living in Texas. 

We get some babbling about Catherine’s best friend being married and how Catherine was scared of commitment in her last long term relationship. Catherine is only 26. She said that she hasn’t been this open to someone in about three years. If that means she’s been single for three  years, she was only 23 when that relationship ended. It’s perfectly normal to not want to get married at 23. Hell, I’m 29 and I don’t even think I’d be ready for marriage right now. Part of that is the fact that there are currently no applicants for the position of Mr. PopePhilly, but most of that is the fact that I’m still getting my “selfish time” out of my system. It really seems like Catherine is trying to convince not only Sean that she wants to get married, but also herself. Then the serious conversation is over and they decide to go for a swim.

And their swim is not a metaphor for anything.

It’s time for the two of them to have dinner. Sean interviews that he can’t imagine spending this day with anyone other than Catherine and he feels like she gets him more than anyone else. Again, when did this happen? I spent half the season not realizing that Catherine was even on the show. Maybe Sean likes her so much because he didn’t realize she was on the show until they were in Canada. He’s just not sick of her yet. Just like with AshLee and Lindsay, Sean can see himself marrying Catherine. While at dinner, Sean asks Catherine where she sees them in five years (assuming he ends up picking her). She says they’d be married and possibly have children and would just be happy. Catherine knows she’s weird, but she’s pretty traditional when it comes to relationships. She does tell him that she knows there are a lot of things he can’t say because there are other women involved in their relationship. Then she giggles and calls him a hunk. I’m getting the feeling that Catherine is weirdly starstruck by Sean…if you can call a reality TV whore a “star.”

Can I have your autograph?

She does reassure him that she likes him for more than just his physical qualities. Apparently, Catherine was made fun of for being chubby and eating too much. Sean lets her know that she’s “smoking hot.” Who the hell was telling her that she’s fat? Catherine gains back the points she lost when she uses the word “visceral” correctly. Granted, she uses it to explain what happens when she looks into Sean’s eyes, so I can’t give her excess points, but she can definitely break even. Also, they’re swimming in the world’s smallest pool. Maybe it’s a metaphor for how shallow most of the women are on this show.

It’s the next day and Sean knows who he is sending home. He thinks this person is a wonderful woman, but he knows that the relationship just isn’t as strong as it is with the other two women. Of course Chris brings up the fact that this is the week on “The Bachelorette” when Emily sent Sean home. Sean doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of the woman he knows he’s sending home. Also, he knows that his wife is here and he is in love with someone. Before the rose ceremony, each woman has left Sean a private video message.

The first message is from Lindsay. She talks in the baby voice she always uses with Sean. She is slightly clever when she ends with, “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I’ll be wearing one again.” I’m going to assume she came up with that herself and give her a little credit. Next, we see Catherine’s video. She uses the word “hunk” again. She says she’s falling in love with him. It’s just a general recap of everything that’s happened between them. Finally, we have AshLee’s super clingy video. Did you know that she’s no longer broken because of Sean? I’m not sure if you got that at all this season. I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page.

PLEASE JUST LOVE ME!!!! 

We all know who’s going home at this point, right? Sean pretends to struggle with the decision as a storm rolls in. I bet AshLee is somewhere finding the symbolism in the weather. Sean tells us that he’s worried that the woman he’s eliminated won’t be OK and will really be hurt by his decision. Perhaps she wouldn’t have been so hurt if he hadn’t spent every moment of all three dates telling each woman that he could imagine them being married. 

Let’s get the rose ceremony started. The first rose goes to…LINDSAY! It’s down to Catherine and AshLee. There is a long pause and dramatic music. The music stops and Sean gives the rose to…Catherine. AshLee is pissed! So much for them having the strongest relationship of any of the women. Remember when Sean said that? Apparently he does not. AshLee doesn’t even approach Sean. She just silently leaves with Sean following behind. When they get outside, she turns to him and says, “Just stay there.” Sean wants to explain himself, and AshLee stops and silently turns to face him. Sean doesn’t actually explain anything. He says that he thought it would be AshLee from the very beginning and that this was the hardest decision he’s ever had to make. He hopes that she understands where he’s coming from. I don’t think anyone understands where Sean is coming from. He doesn’t actually give AshLee any reason for letting her go.

She can take comfort in the knowledge that her boobs look fantastic here!

AshLee gets in the car and leaves. Now, I didn’t really like AshLee that much, but I think she has every right to be pissed. First, Sean spent their entire date telling her how much he could see a future with her and how he thinks they have the strongest connection of anyone. Then, he eliminates her without any real reason. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it plenty of times over the next two episodes – Sean is kind of a douchebag. 

In the car, AshLee finally starts to talk. She tells us that this whole process wasn’t a “silly game” to her. Really? That might make her the only person in the entire world that doesn’t see this show as a a farce. We cut back to Sean doing his best “sad Keanu” impression on a bench while Catherine and Lindsay watch him. That’s got to be a bit of a mind fuck for the two of them. He just picked them as the last two women that he can see himself proposing to, and he’s spending time wallowing in the rain over the girl he didn’t pick. I know he’s not saying anything, but I just want to yell, “Shut up, Sean!” 

I do have to point out that the producers likely used a well-known trick to get AshLee to finally cry. When she leaves the ceremony, it’s light out. When she finally breaks down, it is completely dark outside. They were probably driving her around for hours until the anger subsided and she sadness took over.

But, like all “Bachelor” contestants this season, she doesn’t shed a single tear.

And that’s it! It’s down to Catherine and Lindsay. Next week, the women tell all…well, they’ll tell us all that the producers will allow them to tell. In two weeks, Catherine and Lindsay will be meeting Sean’s family and he’ll be proposing to one of them. They’re calling that episode “‘The Bachelor’ Three Hour Live Finale.” What they really mean is, “We’re going to show you the taped finale and then have the one-hour ‘After the Rose’ special that we always do but this title is just too long.” So, do you think AshLee was the right person to be sent home? What do you think Sean’s reason was for sending her home? Honestly, I think Sean knew by this point who he wanted to be with and the producers had him send home the woman whose elimination would be the most dramatic. It is a TV show, after all.