The Bachelor Recap: Double, Double Tierra Trouble

Recaps

By PopePhilly | Friday, February 8, 2013 | 1:14 am | 17 Comments
Posted in: Recaps

OK, Gasmii. Here we go. It’s four hours of “The Bachelor.” I’m putting on my game face, I’ve got wine ready for the drinking game (we’re going all out – drinking for every “Bachelor” cliche!), and I’m ready to write. Let’s do this.

Who wants to buy this for me?

*Before we start,  I don’t know why, but sometimes this site hates me. In order to keep this from being one giant page of text, I had to enter all of my page breaks manually. I apologize in advance if some of the pages are uneven.*

Jumping right in, Chris Harrison arrives to let the ladies know they will be going on a worldwide journey! Their first stop is…Montana. Seriously? Now, I love Montana like it’s my job. However, when someone tells me I’m going on a worldwide journey, I don’t immediately think Montana. Sean tells us that he’s a country boy (drink!) and he can’t wait for the ladies to get there. The ladies arrive and there is general excitement about getting to spend time with Sean. Tierra tells us that she’ll make the best of it as she swats away a fly.


Could the fly and Tierra trade places on this show?

The first date card is dropped off for – Lindsay! Oh, hey, they’re taking a helicopter because of course they are! Sean recaps Lindsay’s first night in the house – when she showed up wearing a wedding dress. At first, he thought she was too crazy and almost sent her home. However, since the producers knew that someone who would show up wearing a wedding dress was reality TV gold, Lindsay is still here. Sean wants to find out if she could potentially be his wife (drink!).

This is the first time that I’ve ever been jealous of anyone on this show. They are going to take a tour of Glacier National Park. My family and I camped there when I was 10 and I’ve longed to go back ever since.

I would absolutely audition for this show for the chance to hang out here. 

Lindsay has never felt so close to someone. That’s…really sad for everyone else in her life. She’s never felt closer to anyone than she does to this guy who is basically picking a woman out of a catalog. They talk about being outdoorsy and it’s all very boring. They make out a lot. Now, for “Bachelor” standards, this is a pretty boring one-on-one date. I mean, the rest of the ladies got to free fall off buildings or rock climb or set a world record. Lindsay got to make out in a national park. 

They must have blown the budget on flannel.

Sean and Lindsay have dinner. Sean tells us about the connection (drink!) that he and Lindsay have. Lindsay tells Sean that she’s not sure what got her here. Well, Lindsay, you auditioned to be on “The Bachelor” and you were crazy enough for the producers to think you’d make for some good entertainment. That’s how you got here. Sean wants to know more about Lindsay growing up an army brat. She hated moving around a lot and that’s why she wants a solid family. They call each other amazing and then make out some more. 

She may have beaten Lesley’s onscreen kiss record here.

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PopePhilly

Aside from making fun of reality television on a weekly basis, PopePhilly is a legal assistant by day and avid kickball player by night (well, at least on Thursdays). On the nerd front, she is an active member of the forensic speech and debate community. She spends her time judging at tournaments throughout the country and serving on the board of directors for the West Chester University alumni chapter of Pi Kappa Delta (yes, speech nerds get to pretend to be cool by having Greek letters).

17 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 2:20 am

    What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t hate this show. I can’t hate Sean. I can’t even laugh at most of the girls because four of them are just such obvious sweethearts (for realsies!). Fortunately there’s still Denthead. And the orphan with the fake tits. But when they go, what’ll I do?

    I’m pretty sure that was Danielle who asked if the goats were dogs. So yeah… thunder thighs…weird mouth thing…and stupid… See ya!

    At this point, you can see how impatient Sean is to get rid of Tierra. But the producers are forcing him to hang in there… just a couple more episodes, promise, then you can cut ‘er loose. Promise!

    I think everyone received one of those flannel shirts — I’m sure it’s just a bit of product placement. Didn’t work out so well, since, well, there’s just plain flannel shirts, rights?

    And I’m pretty sure the whole “eating fish” thing was about how going on a date with Sean was enough to turn any woman into a lesbian. Something like that.

    Sorry. Too much wine.

    But it was time for both Selma (who is clearly more like 39 than 29, by the by) and Sarah to skedaddle. Selma’s silicon looked like it was starting to drip off her face. And Sarah’s face kept looking more and more pinched together. She was starting to look like Popeye. Minus the spinach arms. Ouch!

    Okay, Okay, I’ll stop. But not before admitting that, if I were 30, I’d grab that Leslie and sexy raccoon eyes and her baby-making hips in a heartbeat. Gush. Shh! Don’t tell Mrs. Itchy!

  2. 2
    hot cawfee
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 7:07 am

    “Before we start, I don’t know why, but sometimes this site hates me”—- computer problem–DRINK!!!!!!! And damn—I totally need wines glasses like that!!!

    hey cap code is…………………….emporer’s clothes
    LOL–wrong show cap code!!

  3. 3
    Considerthis
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 7:25 am

    I vote Lindsay as “Most likely to do the walk of shame” – she is like the silly drunk sorority girl that banged a brother every nite and rose at dawn, shoved her panties in her pocket and hit the door. All sleeze no substance.

    LOVE the fact that The Bachelor is turning into the X-Games, Survivor, Real World Road Rules Challenge and Jackass all rolled into one! Now you need “to prove” your love by doing stupid, rediculous and sometimes dangerous stunts. The risk is there and hopefully the reward of one of these bimbo’s tell the Bachelor and the producers to go fuck themselves. At least the Glacial Waters of beautiful Lake Louise probably froze off the genetial warts and other STD’s lurking about.

    Next Destination – Pamplona Spain to meet the bulls then off to Niagra Falls for a barrel of fun then San Quinten Penitentury for a bikini beach party / meet & greet.

  4. 4
    niknakflipflop niknakflipflop
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 7:48 am

    I tried watching this show but only got about 3 episodes in :( I don’t know why I couldn’t hang in there cuz I watch some fucking travesties and figured this show would be a breeze! Anywho, 2 quick things, is the 1 arm girl still in the horse race (I really liked her), and I live in Seattle now but was raised in Montana and although you couldn’t pay me to live there it’s one of the most beautiful and majestic places in the country if not the whole world :)

  5. 5
    niknakflipflop niknakflipflop
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Ooohh and I want that wine glass! Not for wine tho, for Jagermeister!

  6. 6
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Ok, did anyone notice that Tiara was eating a hamburger right before Sean walked into her room? If you were freezing your tits off, and couldn’t feel your toes, your ass wouldn’t be eating a fucking hamburger! What a hoe!

    I thought the one on one date with Desiree looked fun. Well I am afraid of heights, and would have probably shit my pants the whole way to the ground!

    Did anyone else notice that when Catherine and Sean went to dinner it wasn’t snowing, They left in the horse caridge and there was snow. But when they showed a shot of the hotel it was snowing… Like you could see someone from productions foot prints in the snow, but for the rest of the time it was sunny, yet probably freezing, then when they go to the Rose ceremony, it was snowing again, and then they showed the same shot, with the foot prints…

    I was thinking that wow, Montana…woo sounds like fun. They must have spent all their money on Brad’s second season….But next week they are in St. Croix..wait I think that is how you spell it.

    @niknacflipflop, I live in WA too. about 30 minutes north of Seattle.

  7. 7
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    @itchy: There are a lot of genuinely sweet girls this season. Of the ones remaining, I think I’m rooting for Catherine and Desiree. I was pulling for Sarah, but now she’s gone. I’ve been seeing a lot of demand for her as a “Bachelorette” at some point. I can deal with Sean, but I’m starting to get sick of his “I’m the man I have to protect my women” attitude.

    @haw cawfee: If I drank every time some electronic device was a jerk to me, I’d be drunk 24/7! Hahaha.

    @Considerthis: The challenges are just getting more and more ridiculous. They really are just turning it into “Survivor.” Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure “Survivor” has a better track record when it comes to its contestants getting married.

    @niknakflipflop: Yes, Sarah and her stump are gone. Sean dumped her on the group date in Canada. :(

    @thisbuggs4u: I didn’t notice the burger! I wish I had! Not that we needed any more proof that Tierra is faking everything.

  8. 8
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    @PopePhilly I hope you’re going to take some time and rest up from having to watch 4 hours of this mess. Did you take a break in between? I had to.

    “No one on the planet thinks that Sean will actually marry the woman who wins”

    The fundamentalist Bachelorians do. Even some of the moderates.

    And those Bachelor cliches are like prayers for them. That’s how come no matter how much ABC calls itself changing things up. They’ve got to keep their Words of Power in there.

    (I spend way too much time reading internet comments)

  9. 9
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Okay, quick break from reading the recap – but what about Fifty Nifty? Did anyone else sing Fifty Nifty? Fifty Nifty United Staes, from 13 original colonies… Shout ‘em, something, tell all about ‘em, one by one till we get the job done… ALabama, Alaska, etc etc…

  10. 10
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    And oh my god, that picture of Tierra with her mouth blurred out looks like it’s a horror movie and there’s either someone creeping up behind her OR she has a shadow self that’s a monster.

  11. 11
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Of course, of all the girls, Lindsay still seems like the perfect match for this guy. You know her general daddy raised her in that same “man as boss of the house” spirit that Sean has. Plus, you just know she’ll be a total firecracker in bed.

    Sarah did seem sweet, if a bit … dim. As in not the brightest light. As in, lucky for her, she’s pretty. The real problem though is she’s a freak, brought on the show to be a freak. I feel sorry for her that this is so (though clearly she agreed to do it). But that’s how it is. It would have been more honest with her if she’d have come on the show with a prosthetic — she used to have one, how come she never talked about why she doesn’t use one now? And why did she always insist on wearing clothing with no sleeves? Even her outdoor clothes were vests with no sleeves! So yeah, she just made my spider sense tingle too much.

    As for Denthead’s burger — from the looks of her in that bikini, she’s had many more burgers before that one. She’s got the body of a (pudgy) 12-year-old.

  12. 12
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Also: That Burning Love series is excellent. Usually these produced-for-the-web series suck. But this one is really funny! All of the episodes are on youtube too!

  13. 13
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    Yeah, it also seemed to me that Denthead was taking her sweet ass time to get into the water and then back out. All the other girls, ran in and out. Dent just kind of stood there, then when everyone else was out, ran and jumped in then walked back out…the dumb bitch!

  14. 14
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    WHOOOO I’m done! Hilarious recap as always PP…
    You know, reading a Bachelor recap is a lot like being in a relationship – there are frustrating times, and there are a lot of opportunities for fun, and you really learn a lot about communication…
    I want you to know – I laughed HYSTERICALLY at the picture of Selma that was a “gif.” That was good. I bow to you.
    And I’m on Team Lesley. I like Catherine and Desiree too, but Lesley’s my favorite- I definitely nominate her for Bachelorette if Sean dumps her.

  15. 15
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    @kthxbai: I wrote this over two nights. I wrote the first episode on Wednesday and the second episode last night. I usually prefer to write straight through, but I needed to sleep and go to work at some point. Haha. :)

    @Dashley: I did “50 Nifty” as well, but I never liked that one. I don’t know why. I still sing “50 States in Rhyme” if I ever have to list the states for some reason. Glad you liked the Selma “gif.” I cracked up when I wrote it, so I’m glad that it wasn’t just as funny in practice as it was in my head. I think Lesley could be a good Bachelorette. She’s even got the Bachelorette look.

    @Itchy: Denthead (I’m totally using that forever now) is what one of my favorite authors (A. J. Jacobs) referred to as “skinny-fat” in one of his books. She looks like she’s pretty thing, but she’s just horribly out of shape. After next week, I’ll finally have a moment to sit down and watch “Burning Love.” I hear so many good things about it!

  16. 16
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    @thisbuggs4u: I saw that too with Tierra getting out of the water. Had she just run back to get in a robe with the others, she probably would have been OK…assuming the whole “hypothermia” thing was real.

  17. 17
    Flippy Floppy
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 10:35 am

    I like Lesley. I think he will pick her. His conversations with her just seem more genuine and easy than with the other girls. And he did ask her what she thought of the Tierra situation when the other girls just try to blurt things in his face. AND he said he thought his wife was on the loser blue team. Team Lesley! Or maybe Desiree. Or Lindsay. Shit, I don’t know.

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