The Bachelor Recap: Double, Double Tierra Trouble

Meanwhile, back at the house, the ladies are waiting for the group date card. Everyone wants to be on this date because, if they’re not, they’re going on the dreaded two-on-one. Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, and Daniella. That means Tierra and Jackie will be going on the two-on-one date. Well, Jackie best start packing her bags. Until this moment, I had forgotten she was even on the show. Tierra has probably had more camera time than Sean has. I think we all know who is going to stick around.

Tierra is ecstatic to go on the two-on-one date because she’s only had group dates. I’m not sure if she realizes what happens on the two-on-one date or if she’s just that delusional. I wouldn’t put it past her to act like this as a way to freak out Jackie – manipulation is what Tierra does best, after all. Jackie (who?) thinks that Sean will see through Tierra’s fake personality. Oh, sweetie, you haven’t been paying attention, have you?

I bet you only recognize one of these ladies.

We briefly cut back to Sean and Lindsay just in time for Sean to give her a rose. They make out some more and then there is one more surprise. It’s a concert with Sarah Darling. I have no idea who she is, but the song she sings reminds me of “The 50 States In Rhyme.”

I’d slow dance to this.

Sarah launches into a new song that starts with the line “I wanna be your cigarette…” That’s…terrible. As the song plays, Sean tells us that he had a great time because on one hand, Lindsay is a best friend (drink!) and someone he could fall in love with. All in all, it’s a really short date – especially for a one-on-one date. We’re only 15 minutes into the episode and the first date is over. There better be something interesting coming up.

It’s time for the group date. Sean tells us he doesn’t need an “outdoorsman wife,” but wants a girl that can both rough it and wear high heels. The ladies meet Sean and Selma (wearing the worst headband I’ve ever seen) tells us that she sees her Prince Charming (drink!) waiting for her. Seriously, what the fuck is on Selma’s head? Did no one tell her how hideous that thing is?

It’s an exclusive from the Blanche Devereaux collection.

The ladies will be competing in a race in which they will have to milk a goat and drink the milk. I bring this up now because, as the ladies and Sean approach the goats, someone says, “Are those dogs?” I didn’t catch who said it, but whoever it was is now the stupidest person in the entire house. I just can’t deal with this anymore. I need to go get some more wine.

I return with a full glass just in time to hear Chris explain the challenge. They’ll be broken up into teams of four. Two people will grab a bale of hay, two people will milk the goat, and then one of them will have to drink the goat’s milk. So, basically, Sean wants to see how much these ladies can swallow for him. The red team is Selma, Desiree, Sarah, and Robyn. The blue team is AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, and Catherine. The losing team will head back to the hotel right after the date. 

Of course, Sarah feels nervous because…wait for it…SHE ONLY HAS ONE ARM!!!! It’s nice that the ladies are willing to let her do what she is the most comfortable with, but Sarah really needs to stop complaining every time she’s asked to do something. Yes, we all know you have one arm. People have been more than accommodating and helpful. Shut up about it now.

Walking is so hard because I only have one arm! 

Despite doing nothing but complaining about it, Sarah tells us that her lack of an arm won’t hold her back. That’s why the complaining needs to stop.

The race starts, and we learn that the ladies suck at pretty much everything. Robyn and Selma have no idea how to make a canoe move forward. After they figure it out, the race gets a little closer. Hay is moved, logs are sawed, goats are milked, and milk is consumed. The red team wins. Selma, Robyn, Sarah, and Desiree will be going on the second half of the date. The blue team is generally bummed and they head back to the hotel. The winners drink champagne with Sean while the losers look on from a van. 

At least they get those flannel shirts and a consolation prize.

It’s time for group date part two! Sean tells us that he was sad to send the blue team away and wants to bend the rules (drink!) again. Chris Harrison arrives at the hotel to tell the blue team that they will be joining Sean and the others on tonight’s date. Sean feels like his wife (drink!) might be on the blue team and sending them away was just counterproductive. 

Back at the party, Sean is toasting the four ladies he’s with already. Then he tells them that the other ladies are on the way! Desiree is pissed because she drank goat’s milk for nothing. Robyn is pissed because their win didn’t mean anything. There’s general griping and then Sean pulls Sarah away from some alone time. 

We go back to the hotel where the ladies from the blue team are getting ready to meet up with Sean. Daniella thinks that Sean asking them all to come out shows that this isn’t a competition – it’s about Sean finding a wife (drink!). No, sweetie, it’s a competition. No one on the planet thinks that Sean will actually marry the woman who wins. While the primping is going on, Tierra is brooding because that’s what she does. She’s pissed off because the “losers” get to spend time with Sean while she has to go on a two-on-one date. I thought she was excited about that date! Also, the ladies going will have to share their time among eight of them. Tierra will only have to share her time with Sean with one other person. 

Tierra’s mouth should always be blurred out. 

Tierra continues her delusional rant. She feels like Sean  has been misleading her this whole time. She thought they had a connection, but now she’s not so sure. Holy clingy, Batman! Seriously, had this girl never heard of this show before she was on it? She decides to go find Sean so she can talk to him about what’s going on. I just can’t with this one anymore. Now, I admit, I had a “clingy girlfriend” phase…when I was a teenager! How the hell has Tierra made it this far in life acting like this?!

Back on the date, Robyn, Desiree, and Selma are pissed off that the other ladies will be arriving soon. In fact, Selma is so angry that she refers to herself in the third person. All three of them agree that they will be very upset if someone from the blue team gets the rose. Sean understands why the red team is upset, but he wants to reassure all of them that his heart is in the right place. For once, I agree with Sean – a lumberjack challenge will not determine who he wants to be with. While he’s being interviewed, Tierra (oddly dressed in one of the blue team’s dirty flannel shirts), sneaks up behind him. 

Remember the face hugger from Alien?

Sean seems to be happy to see Tierra, but I’m pretty sure he’s freaking out inside. It’s a good thing he hasn’t taken her to his house yet. Tierra flat out asks Sean why she’s getting the two-on-one date. Since Sean can’t just come out and say, “The producers thought it would be good for ratings,” he just sighs. Tierra continues with the crazy by telling Sean that she’s feeling misled. I think Tierra thought How To Lose A Guy In 10 Dayswas a self-help movie.

“Our love fern. You let it die.”

Instead of telling Tierra she’s crazy and telling her to go home right now, Sean just makes out with her and says he’s concerned about her. Sean needs to be concerned about his safety. Sean heads back inside to spend some time with Desiree. She flat out tells him that she’s pissed because she has to share the time with even more ladies. They talk for a few moments, when AshLee comes in to interrupt. We can all drink again because AshLee tells Sean that this is all like a fairy tale. My bottle of wine is almost empty. It’s a good thing I stocked up this week!

Back at the hotel, Jackie and Tierra receive the two-on-one date card. Jackie knows that Tierra is a good manipulator, but she’s hoping that Sean will see past the fake. Sean might, but the producers know they’ve hit the jackpot with Tierra.

On the date, Sean is off to spend some time with Catherine. He tells us that he loves spending time with her and being affectionate toward her. I know I said this in the last recap, but when the hell have Sean and Catherine had time to be affectionate? I think we’ve seen them interacting all of twice this entire season.

Put me down! I really am a part of the cast!

Sean tells Catherine that he knows he doesn’t have to worry about her – he knows that she’s confident and doesn’t have to be reassured ever two minutes (*cough*Tierra*cough*). We cut back to Daniella. She is pissed off because she wants to spend time with Sean. She goes to find him only to see Catherine sitting on his lap and that makes her uncomfortable. Again with the ladies who don’t realize that Sean will be with all of the ladies on the show! Daniella doesn’t want to have to fight for a gugyhadsk;;;;;;;;;h;adddnzsk;nkglrrrrrrrrrrrrrrra

Sorry, I had a small aneurysm from Daniella, but I’m good now. Sean comes back and asks to spend some time with Daniella! I bet that wasn’t producer manipulated at all! Well, Sean talks. Daniella just cries. If we’ve learned anything from this season, it’s that crying works when it comes to Sean. He reassures her, they kiss – you know how it goes by now. Also, do you all remember that kissing lesson that Sean got from Arie in the first episode? Sean has not strayed from the “hold her face” technique at all! Maybe he really is thinking about Arie the whole time.

I really do like you Arie…I mean Daniella!

Sean and the ladies regroup to find out who gets the rose. And it’s…DANIELLA! The red team is PISSED! Robyn is especially angry because someone from the losing team got the rose that should have been for one of the four girls on the blue team. Well, Robyn, the show is about Sean so he can do whatever he wants. Robyn is starting to get on my nerves. She needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it!

OK! It’s time for the two-on-one. As much as I like to think there is a 50/50 chance of Tierra going home, I know that the producers would never let that happen. Jackie and Tierra leave to meet Sean. Tierra has become even more insane by referring to Sean as her husband. There is not nearly enough wine in the world to deal with this one.

This meme might have been based on Tierra.

The three of them will be going horseback riding! Sean is looking for different things with Tierra and Jackie. With Jackie, he wants to know that she can be his best friend (drink!) and that he can enjoy being with her. With Tierra, he wants to ask some probing questions to find out what she’s really about. Aw, poor Jackie. She really thinks this date is about her and Sean and she’s not intimidated by Tierra. Maybe Tierra isn’t the most delusional one in the house. This is further illustrated by Tierra and Sean riding side by side while Jackie is a few feet behind them.

There are four horses’ asses in this photo. Only three of them are attached to actual horses. 

Tierra gets even creepier when she tells us that “Jackie doesn’t know that she’s on a date with me and my husband.” Sean may want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of the season. This is starting to get pretty scary. Oh, poor Jackie again. She tells us (again) that this date is about her and Sean. I guess she’s just trying to convince herself. She wants to tell Sean some things that he deserves to know about Tierra. Did Jackie not see how well that worked out for Kacie?

Jackie gets the first one-on-one time with Sean. He asks her where she sees herself in a year. Somehow, it turns into Jackie talking about Tierra and being fake. Apparently, Tierra had been flirting with some guy at the airport. It’s a shame we didn’t get to see that. I would think that the producers would have been all over that one! As much as this information makes Sean question Tierra, why would you spend the first alone time  you get with a guy you are trying to marry talking about someone else? 

This is really more of a “kiss off” than a kiss.

It’s time for Sean, Tierra, and Jackie to go to dinner. Jackie is kind of bad at smack talk. She interviews that this dinner is Tierra’s last meal, “so she better eat some more of that fish because she won’t be getting any more of it once Sean gives me the rose.” So, if you don’t get a rose, you don’t get to eat fish again? That’s a weird stipulation. I didn’t know having dinner with Sean was the only way that these women were allowed to eat fish. Learn something new every day, I suppose.

Sean raises a toast and tells the ladies that he was happy to spend time with them today. There is awkward silence for a while. Then Sean pulls Tierra aside so he can figure out what’s going on. When they go sit on the porch, Tierra explains that she’s scared to fall in love because she was with a guy for five years (in and out of rehab for drugs and alcohol). He was her best friend (drink!) but he died in 2009. It was the hardest time in her life because he was her best friend (drink!). Now, at the risk of being an ass hole, I’m just going to say this – I don’t believe a word of Tierra’s story. Not even a little bit. I think she’s making it up. We’ve already seen her fake injuries and we know we’re going to see her fake hypothermia. I wouldn’t put it past her to fake a dead boyfriend. Sean and Tierra go back inside as Tierra tells us that she just wants to find her best friend (drink!) and she thinks Sean could be that guy.

Rock beats scissors. Scissors beats paper. Paper beats rock. Death beats tattle tale.

It’s time to give out the rose. We all know it’s going to Tierra, right? The “dead boyfriend” story totally trumps Jackie telling Sean that Tierra thought someone was cute. The most expected moment or the entire season occurs when Sean gives the rose to Tierra and her dead boyfriend story. Jackie keeps her composure, so I’ll give her that much. As Jackie drives away, Tierra and Sean watch fireworks over the lake. You can actually see the fireworks through the back windshield of the car that Jackie is riding in. Sean is kind of a dick.

The other ladies watch the fireworks from the lodge and see Sean and Tierra curled up together. We see some more shots of Jackie crying in the limo while Tierra laughs like a sociopath. Going into the cocktail party, Lesley tells us that everyone was rooting for Jackie. Really? I’m thinking they probably weren’t. I think each woman is only rooting for herself.

Desiree (who should never clip back her bangs again) gets the first private time with Sean. She has finally caught on and realizes that Sean gives roses to the women who are having a hard time. When Desiree says that she doesn’t understand some of Sean’s actions, he flat out asks her if she’s wondering why he kept Tierra. 

When some of the ladies are sitting around questioning why Jackie was sent home, Tierra storms out of the room. She tells us that she wishes she was a fighter so she could beat the shit out of the other ladies. All the ladies know that she just enjoys playing the victim. Robyn finally just gets up to confront Tierra. Honestly, I have no idea what they talk about. I’ve rewatched it a few times, but I still don’t know what was said during that confrontation. I easily understood Tierra saying, “If I wanted to get engaged, I could easily get engaged.” That’s funny seeing as she recently posted this to Instagram:

Apparently, Tierra easily got engaged. 

If that’s real, it makes me sad that someone like Tierra is engaged while I’m still single. Fuck you, Tierra.

Anyway, Sean walks into the room during the fight. He pulls her aside to find out what’s going on. She tells Sean that the girls are all attacking her. When Sean asks for specifics, she just says that she’s not a drama person. In my head, I hear a record scratch. Then I come back to life when I want to punch Tierra for saying things are “fustrating.” It’s fRustrating, bitch.

After talking to Tierra, Sean talks to Lesley to find out a little more about what is going on. He wants to know what specifically he should know about Tierra and he doesn’t want to hear “she’s not here for the right reasons.” I’ll give Lesley credit for answering without badmouthing Tierra at all. She just says that she is rather cold around the other women and refuses to be friendly with any of them. 

It’s time for the rose ceremony, but first we spend a few minutes with Chris and Sean talking about all the Tierra drama. Sean tells Chris that no one has given him any specifics about Tierra. However, Jackie pointed out a situation in the airport when Tierra was flirting with another man. Also, Lesley explained that Tierra is very cold to all the other women when Sean isn’t around. Also, he SAW Tierra flipping out at Robyn. Sean might be blind.

OK, time for the ceremony for real. Tierra, Daniella, and Lindsay all have roses. The first rose goes to Selma. After that, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, and Sarah all receive roses. The final rose of the evening comes down to Robyn and Desiree. In another super obvious decision, Desiree gets the rose. As Sean walks out with Robyn, Selma whispers, “Be scared.” What? I’m not sure what she was trying to do there.

Let’s get on to part two! I’m going into this half of the recap on the verge of a food coma. I saved up most of my Weight Watchers points for the day along with all my flex points for the week so I could go to an AMAZING local deli and eat a giant pastrami and corned beef sandwich, french fries, and a cucumber salad worth dying for. These ladies best be happy that I’m in such a good mood before I start snarking on them.

Better looking than Selma’s plastic face. 

We start this episode with Sean telling us that he is doubting that his wife (drink!) is among the women after all the Tierra drama. It’s the next morning/week (I’m not sure how “Bachelor” time works) and Sean is in Canada. The ladies arrive and meet with Chris at Lake Louise. There will be three dates – two one-on-one dates and a group date. Now, this is a pretty awesome spot for going on dates. I mean, if I were going to get dumped on national television, the scenery would be a nice consolation prize.

A break up here wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Various ladies fill us in on the situation. Apparently, the tension hasn’t fully subsided and everyone still hates Tierra. AshLee (or was it Lindsay? I’ve been getting those two mixed up a lot for some reason) tells us that if Tierra gets the one-on-one date, she’ll throw up. If Tierra gets the date, I really hope they show people throwing up. It would be more fun to watch than Sean and Tierra making out.