The Bachelor Recap: Double, Double Tierra Trouble

The first date card arrives. Catherine, Daniella, and Tierra still have not had one-on-one dates, so everyone is expecting the card to be for one of them. And it’s for Catherine! Finally, we’ll get to see that amazing connection Sean keeps talking about but no one ever sees. The date card says, “Let’s find our fairy tale [drink!] ending…” Apparently, that “fairy tale ending” (let’s drink here for good measure) involves Catherine standing alone in the snow. 

“Abandoned in Canada” is my favorite fairy tale. 

And then Sean drives up in a snow bus. How much money did the producers have to shell out to let him drive that? Maybe that’s where the budget went and why Lindsay got such a shitty date. Sean and Catherine are going to go play on a glacier in Jasper National Park. Maybe they’ll fall into a crevasse in the ice. That would be pretty exciting.  That doesn’t happen, but they go sledding on the glacier and it looks like it’s a lot of fun. I can’t really snark on this. It seems like a pretty awesome date.

This beats a helicopter ride any day!

After the playing is done, the two sit down and drink hot chocolate. I hope that’s vegan hot chocolate, Catherine. No milk for you, young lady! She tells Sean that she hasn’t had hot chocolate since she was four. What the hell kind of a rock was she living under that she didn’t have hot chocolate? Maybe that’s when she became a vegan. That seems a bit young. Sean should dump her for not having hot chocolate in 20+ years. That’s just not right.

“I’m trying to run away from you, freak!”

Later that evening, Sean and Catherine (dressed as a French maid) meet for dinner. In keeping with the fairy tale (drink!) theme, Sean has brought a horse drawn carriage for her. Oh! Catherine tells Sean he looks like a prince (drink!) and then says “fairy tale” three more times (drink three times!). The pull up to an ice castle that was built specifically for this date. Yeah, the budget really was blown on this date. 

The rest of the dates this season will be at White Castle instead of an ice castle.

Back at the hotel, the ladies all think that Daniella will be going on the one-on-one date. Daniella wins a few points from me because she is the first person on this show to use the world “literally” correctly when she says that she is literally the only one who has not gotten to spend a long amount of one-on-one time with Sean. Well, at least she can take comfort in the fact that I do not think she is stupid. Good job, Daniella. Going on the group date will be Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and…Daniella. Ouch. That really does suck. That means Desiree is getting a second one-on-one date.

He’s just not that into you, sweetie.

At the ice castle, Sean asks Catherine what he doesn’t know about her. She wants to explain why she is as adventurous as it she is. When Catherine was twelve, she and her best friend went to summer camp. They went hiking and hit a narrow part of the trail. Kelly, Catherine’s friend, walks in front of her. As they’re walking, they hear a loud crack and a tree comes crashing down on Kelly and she’s killed instantly. I’m not going to make fun of this. I didn’t believe Tierra’s dead boyfriend story, but I completely believe Catherine’s dead friend story. Compared to Tierra, she doesn’t seem as rehearsed in her telling of this. I actually feel bad for Catherine. To see your best friend killed in front of your eyes at twelve-years-old has got to be traumatic. 

She doesn’t seem too broken up. Let’s still take a drink for another dead loved one story. 

Sean respects Catherine’s “cherish each day” outlook. That is a good quality to have. Sean knows that the rose will tell Catherine how special he thinks she is. Will roses be saying that to the other ladies he’s giving them to tonight? Getting a rose would probably lose its meaning when six other women will be getting them over the next few days. Catherine still thinks it’s special and knows that she and Sean will get their “happily ever after” (drink!).

It’s time for the group date. As always, Sean is excited. He’s hoping that all the drama is gone from the house. Since he decided to keep Tierra around, I’m guessing that there is still an endless supply of drama to be had. First, the ladies and Sean will be canoeing across Lake Louise. There are enough canoes for two groups of three ladies and one girl with Sean. Lesley jumps right on the chance to be with Sean. Selma is pissed, but she just wasn’t quick enough. Sarah, of course, thinks that canoeing will be a challenge because…she only has one arm (drink!). 

Lesley and Sean are having a great time in their canoe. Selma interviews that she wanted a shark (yes, a shark) to come out of the lake and eat Sean and Lesley’s boat. Then Selma laughs pretty hard without moving her face.

This is actually a gif.

Also, sharks?!?! Guys, I think Selma may just be stupid. She wanted a shark to come out of a glacial lake.

We’re gonna need a bigger canoe. 

The group arrives on shore and they immediately see tents set up. Lesley was hoping for a hot tub, but it looks like it will be opposite of that. Sean tells us that he likes a woman who enjoys having fun. What the fuck does that even mean? What woman sits around thinking, “No, I don’t like fun. I hate having a good time.” Shut up, Sean. Let’s all just take a drink because Sean is also stupid.

Would not get along with Sean.

They will all be participating in a polar bear plunge in Lake Louise! Sean tells the ladies they don’t have to do it if they don’t want to, but he hopes they will. Translation: if you don’t do this, I’m sure as hell not giving you a rose. Then Sean says “you only live once.” Seriously? Sean threw out a “YOLO.” Sean is dead to me.

Is anyone really that surprised that Selma decides to sit this one out? She says that she doesn’t want to do it because she’s from Bagdad – she’s from the desert! Oh, fuck you, Selma. Yes, summer in Iraq is very hot (118.4 °F at times). However, in the winter, it’s not uncommon for the temperature to dip below freezing. A quick Google search told me this. I’m realizing that a lot of what Selma says can be proven wrong by a simple Google search. However, I will give Selma an extra point when she flat out says that this is not the “once in a lifetime opportunity” that Sean says it is. She’s right – she can come back to Canada and time and do this if she wants. 

The ladies and Sean put on their swimwear. AshLee tries to tell us that swimming in a freezing cold lake makes her emotionally vulnerable because she’s doing it for Sean. I’m really having a hard time trying to follow her logic here. Can anyone help me figure it out? Also, no one in AshLee’s life has made her want to do something for them. Apparently, AshLee has just been a selfish bitch her entire life not doing anything for other people. Got it.

MARCO!

They dive in, there is lots of screaming. It goes exactly as you’d expect it to. Sean tells the girls that he’s proud of them. Then, oh look, what a big surprise! There is a big commotion around Tierra. I bet no one saw that coming. Tierra can’t breathe, she’s stumbling all over the place. The other ladies ask if she’s OK, but no one seems to be genuinely concerned about her. Just like the dead boyfriend story, I’m calling bullshit on this as well.

This is the prettiest picture I’ve ever seen of Tierra – because she’s covering her face.

Honestly, Sean doesn’t even seem that concerned. He says, “I feel terrible” with absolutely not inflection. He says “it’s scary” the same way he said “I like a woman who likes to have fun.” I think he’s onto her and is seeing that she’s the one who is always conveniently getting hurt. Desiree and Catherine can even see the medics from the lodge. They’re worried, but they also don’t know who it is. The minute Tierra looks at the camera and whines, “I miss time with him” I know 100% that she’s faking it. Seriously, she couldn’t even tell the medics what the date was, but she could tell the viewers at home that she misses Sean. Fuck you, Tierra.

My “get well” card to Tierra.

Desiree and Catherine run downstairs to see Tierra. They say that her lips are blue and she’s shaking. Catherine and Desiree seem concerned, but I still don’t believe her. None of the other girls came close to that reaction. I know that everyone reacts differently to things like that, but Tierra seemed to just milk the drama for all it’s worth. I agree with Lindsay and Selma say “same story, different day.” The ambulance was called again for Tierra.

Then Sean comes into see Tierra. He crawls in bed with her and her oxygen tank. Sean throws out a “bless your heart” and I hope he means that in the southern way. Sean tells her that he was scared. He does say, “You always find a way to get one-on-one time with me.” That’s the point, Sean! How does he not see it?!?!

At least Tierra was well enough to put on a full face of makeup.

On the upside, Tierra is not on the group date tonight! Hooray! The ladies are all excited for the lack of drama tonight. Lesley is the first to spend some alone time with Sean. They talk about their feelings and what they love about each other. Sean appreciates Lesley and Lesley appreciates Sean. It’s nothing we haven’t heard before. 

After Lesley, Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family. When she was little, she had a prosthesis. You can just see Sean growing more and more uncomfortable with this. He says that seeing pictures of her family was a reality check for him and he’s not sure if he’d be ready to handle meeting Sarah’s family. This is not a good sign. Please don’t send Sarah home, Sean. 

Back at the lodge, a date card arrives for Desiree. That’s it. It’s a boring moment. We cut to Tierra who is still pissed off that she has not gotten a one-on-one date with Sean because she’s been through so much – she’s been frozen to death. No, Tierra. If you are still alive, you did not freeze to death. She decides to get out of bed and go to the party. Even more proof that Tierra was faking it. She walks into the party as all the ladies are talking about her. It gets suddenly silent. All the ladies know that she’s faking it. Lesley is my new favorite person for calling her a “Tierra-rist.” Love. It.

Sean takes Tierra off for some alone time. He wants to know if she’d want a proposal at the end of this experience if she makes it through. Thank God Lindsay takes Sean away for some time in the hot tub. I love that we get a voiceover of Tierra telling us that Sean will pick someone with whom he has chemistry and she doesn’t see that with the other girls…while Sean is making out with Lindsay. After a few minutes of making out, it’s time for Sean to give out the rose for the date. Tonight, the rose goes to Lesley! Yay! Not Tierra!

I love you so much for not being Tierra. 

After the group date, Sean admits to us that he doesn’t see a forever with Sarah. Instead of making her wait until the rose ceremony, he wants to tell her right away. Even Sean is surprised that he no longer has feelings for her. He pulls her aside and tells her that they had an immediate connection, but he feels like he’s trying to force the feelings lately. You can see Sarah’s disappointment in her face. I am happy to see that she handled it with dignity. I made fun of Sarah for always talking about her missing arm, but I was rooting for her. I think she can do better than finding a guy on a reality show. 

It’s OK, Sarah. I’ll be your BFF.

OK, I lose respect for Sarah when she says, “I don’t know why this always happens to me.” First of all, when she talked about her only serious relationship when she went on the first one-on-one with Sean, she told him that she was the one who ended it. This clearly does not always happen to her. I liked you for a while, Sarah. Now I think you’re taking a page from Tierra’s “How To Play the Victim” guide. I’m done with this one. 

It’s the next day and it’s time for Desiree’s date. She tells us that she had been questioning her feelings for Sean in Montana. She’s afraid to fall in love if she doesn’t know that it’s reciprocated. As Sean and Desiree leave for their date, Daniella is still trying to figure out what it means that she still hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date. It means that you won’t be getting a rose tonight. Get over it, Daniella. Go learn another handshake.

Sean and Desiree are going on a picnic in Banff National Park. Desiree feels like it’s only Sean and her in the entire world – that they’re completely alone. Really? Is the camera crew hiding in the bushes or something? I would imagine it’s difficult to feel alone when you’ve got an entire production team with you on your date. Of course the date isn’t just as simple as a picnic. They will be repelling down Tunnel Mountain to their picnic at the base. Desiree is scared because the producers told her to be scared.

I bet this is another metaphor for falling in love!

The actual repelling is quite boring. It’s just a lot of Desiree yelling “oh my gosh” and Sean getting to “be the man” and reassuring her. Desiree tells us that repelling down a mountain is like a relationship (drink!). I think it’s just an excuse for Sean to play “the man.” I’m really getting tired of his “I’m the man and I have to reassure my women” attitude. I don’t know if he means it to be, but it really just comes across as condescending. At the bottom, they sit and talk about how much of a good time they have together. Desiree thinks they could have something special (drink!) and Sean doesn’t want her to give up on their relationship.

Don’t give up on being part of my harem.

Then they climb a tree. Later, they go to dinner in a tepee. Can anyone tell me if that’s an authentic replica of a tepee or if it’s just a touristy thing. They talk about their favorite part of the day. It was when they went repelling. That’s good because it was literally the whole date! Now we get Desiree’s sob story! She and her family lived in a tent for months at a time because they didn’t have money when she was a kid. I guess with Sarah gone, we really have to bring out these sob stories. So far this episode, we’ve got a dead friend and a childhood in a tent. Oh! Then they talk about wanting a loving family (drink!). It’s all pretty boring. Desiree, unsurprisingly, is given a rose. Then they make out a little. 

Thank God it’s time for the cocktail party. I’m running out of booze and I really want to go to bed. The ladies again want Tierra to leave. Selma loses the point I gave her when she uses the word “wife” as a verb – as in “You’re going to wife that?” Shut up, Selma. With that, it’s time for the last minute “dates.” Sean takes Selma away for the first chunk of alone time. We hear about her culture and not kissing again. Tonight, she wants to show him that, even though she didn’t have the courage to jump into the lake, she does have the courage to say “fuck you!” to 2000 years of tradition and kiss him on national TV. She tells us that this simple kiss would shame her family big time. Apparently she didn’t do that with her topless modeling. She tells us that she’s sorry, but she had to bring out the “big guns” tonight. Oh, sweetie, they’ve been out all season. 

Selma’s nipples shoot bullets.

It’s time for Lindsay’s few moments with Sean. She has promised herself that she’s not going to kiss him because they don’t have much time and all they ever do is make out. At least her “no kissing” rule makes way more sense than Selma’s did. When asked, Sean tells Lindsay that his favorite part about Canada was how much fun Lindsay had on the polar bear plunge. When Sean asks Lindsay to tell him something he doesn’t know, she says that she sleeps naked. However, the other ladies don’t appreciate her lack of clothing. I think it says a lot about their “connection” when they constantly say how hard it is not to kiss one another. 

When it’s AshLee’s turn with Sean, she tells us that she’s proud she jumped into the frozen lake because it’s a metaphor (drink!) for how far she’s stepped out of her comfort zone and letting go of her control. What’s with this show and metaphors? It’s like sitting in a literature class. Why can’t anyone just say, “I jumped into the lake because it was fun. The end.” It doesn’t always have to mean something bigger. Then we get AshLee’s sob story (drink!) because she talks about being abandoned. She gives Sean a blindfold as a metaphor for him letting her lead her through the relationship. I’ve rolled my eyes so far back in my head that I can see out of my mouth. They kiss blindfolded and it’s all really awkward. 

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony! Lesley, Desiree, and Catherine have roses at this point. There are three left to give out. Sean has no idea who is going home at this point. Last week, he started to doubt whether his wife is here (drink!), but this week he knows she is (drink!). Lindsay and AshLee each get a rose. That means the final rose is between Selma, Daniella, and Tierra. Well, it’s really between Selma and Tierra. We all know that Daniella is going home, right? The final rose goes to Tierra and her weird fur necklace. I’m kind of surprised that Sean didn’t give a rose to Selma. Right after she kissed him, he flat out said, “I hoped that was coming.” Apparently it was too little  too late. Either that, or Sean just did a Google search of Selma’s name and saw that she was just a fame whore. 

Daniella and Selma leave, there are tears, they talk about how they had wanted to fall in love, but it didn’t happen. They’re both surprised that Sean didn’t give them a rose over Tierra. Daniella is in complete shock, but she’s the only one who’s surprised over this elimination. It’s all very cliche, so I just down the rest of the wine in my bottle. Ha! I love that Sean says, “I knew that you six were the six for me.” I hope one day I can be part of the six people who are the ones meant for some guy!

Whew! That’s finally over. Thanks for your patience, Gasmii. This was a lot of show to recap. Thankfully, next week we’re back to only one episode. My liver is thankful for that.