Week 3 of The Bachelor opens with the girls arriving in San Francisco, where Ben currently lives. He sits down with his sister, Julie, and tells her about a few of the women: Lindzi, Kasie B., Courtney, Emily, and Jennifer. Ben proclaims Jennifer the best kisser. Julie is nervous the girls will break her brother’s heart. HB reference = 1.
Julie,Ben's sister, nearly does a spit-take when he suggests she'd hit it off with a 28 year-old model.
Chris delivers the first date card and it’s for Emily who is “super excited.” Courtney says Emily is “book smart” which translates to boring. I think she’s just jealous because she doesn’t read. Emily is scared of heights and Ben admits he doesn’t like them, either, so the reasoning of the producers when planning this date is questionable. Ben turns the climbing of the Bay Bridge into a metaphor for love and basically insinuates that if Emily doesn’t do this they are destined to fail.
About halfway up, Emily is terrified and “the only thing” that Ben can think of to calm her is to give her a kiss. Then they scream then they get to the top and kiss some more before they head down. As they eat later, Ben brings up the great heartbreak with Ashleigh. HB = 2. Emily talks online dating where she was matched with her older brother. Gross. Ben gives Emily the rose and she seems genuinely happy, unlike Courtney who seemed more interested in making out with the rose than with Ben. She talks about how perfect the night is and then there are fireworks, which the women can see from their hotel and are totally jealous. Ben says he might be able to spend his life with her.
Not everything is a metaphor for love, Ben.
The second date card arrives and includes: Blakely, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Casey S., and Elyse. Ben is taking them on an extreme date and they are going skiing, something Ben has had on his “Leap list.” On the drive over, the cars have some sort of smart feature where pictures of the girls rotate through as wallpaper. A picture of Rachel is first and then a picture of Blakely follows. Monica says she’d “rather look at Rachel,” which is interesting seeing as Blakely was the other half of the “lesbian creampuff” in Week 1. Ben takes the girls to a manmade slope on a closed-down street where they make a David Lee Roth video and we spend a lot of time looking at their asses.
The 80s called. They want their scantily clad bitches back.
Brittney gets the date card and doesn’t seem excited about it. She says something doesn’t feel right and the rest of the girls who eye her evilly, resent that she got the date and some bling.
Ben and the women have some drinks and some more intimate time together. Ben pulls Rachel away for some one-on-one time and they kiss. Kacie B. gets a little possessive and they sneak away for a walk. Blakely notices, so it’s only a matter of time until she crashes. They kiss and she feels better. Ben says she “sparkles” and that he “likes her.”
Meanwhile, back with Brittney, she’s feeling overwhelmed and that the circumstances of the show “are not for her.” She’s decided she wants to go home, but does she get to keep the bling? She says her heart’s not in it and she wishes them all the best of luck.
Grandma’s girl goes emo.
Blakely and Ben are hanging out and Blakely says the women all hate her. All of a sudden, Brittney crashes Blakely’s one-on-one time. Awesome. Brittney tells him he shouldn’t waste a one-on-one date with her, and she’s leaving. Ben suddenly realizes that any of the women can leave at any time and leave him heartbroken. HB = 3. The women try to hide their glee that there is one less bitch to deal with. Rachel gets the group date rose.
Ben invites Lindzi on Brittney’s one-on-one and Courtney is so jealous I’m expecting her to shoot lasers from her eyes. Ben takes Lindzi for ice cream and the ride a private trolley car. They stop at San Francisco City Hall for a private concert with Matt Nathanson, who I guess is supposed to be a big deal, but I have no idea who he is. They dance too slow for the music and kiss a lot. Then Ben takes her to a private dinner in a speakeasy and she tells him the story of how her former boyfriend dumped her via text message. Ben, again, brings up getting his proposal turned down. HB = 4. He gives Lindsey the rose and takes her to a piano store, so she becomes the second girl to play his piano. She says “nothing can ruin tonight,” so, of course, something will.
Sure, this is a normal first date.
Someone is on her way to ruin everything. The cocktail party begins and Courtney toasts to a drama-free night which, we know, is not going to happen. Interestingly enough, every time he says “someone special,” they cut to Kacie B. He has some one-on-one time with the lovely Jennifer and he tells her she’s the best kisser in the house, so they kiss some more. Lindzi and Samantha watch.
The mystery girl is now known to be a former Bachelor contestant. With Brad. She, however, has “strong feelings” for Ben and knows he will feel the same. So, we have traded one crazy delusional bitch for another. It’s Shawntel the funeral director!
Courtney calls Nicki juvenile and an idiot. Blakely is “the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats with.” Courtney starts drama with Lindzi and everyone talks about Courtney having a personality disorder. Monica enters the scene and asks for the gossip while Courtney goes onto a private rooftop where JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe. Courtney says Ben will make cute babies
Shawntel walks into the room as Elyse finally gets some one-on-one time. The other girls guess she may be an ex-girlfriend. None of them have watched enough Bachelor to know who she is, but Ben seems to as he keeps repeating “holy shit.” Several of the women race to a window to watch. It becomes clear that they have talked before and she really wanted to get to know him. A few of the girls are literally within spitting distance. Ben throws Shawntel to the bitches and heads off to gather his thoughts. The women think he’s full of it and gang up on her. Erika likes that Shawntel has “bigger thighs than she does.” Diva Courtney storms out of the room and says she will not accept a rose if Shawntel gets one. Courtney and Nicki cry. Ben ends the cocktail party and the rose ceremony is on.
There are 11 roses remaining tonight as the first three went to Lindzi, Emily, and Rachel. Shawntel is convinced she will get a rose. Courtney gets #4, but hesitates before taking it and comments about “what’s-her-butt” Shawntel. Kacie B is next. Elyse will “absolutely” accept #6. Jamie, Jennifer, and Casey S are next. Jaclyn, who is becoming less attractive by the moment, makes the comment of the night with “On a scale from 1 to 10, I feel like I’m going to throw up.” Jaclyn, I think your scale is broken. Can you imagine? You go into the grocery store and that’s on the produce scale? Bitch, you better leave. Blakely is #10 and then Monica. Erika starts to look ill as Nicki gets rose #11. Samantha is next and Erika announces that she doesn’t feel good.
A whole new kind of stupid.
Ben wants to say a few things, but Erika goes down. Her lips are turning blue and the medic asks the women to give her some air.
Erica is so overwrought that she nearly passes out.
The women totally blame the entire episode on Shawntel. There is only one rose left. Courtney still says she is out if he gives the rose to Shawntel and I really want him to call her bluff. Ben says it has been a pleasure getting to know Erika and that Jaclyn opened up. He appreciates Shawntel coming all this way. Ben decides not to hand out the final rose and the three cast-offs are all shocked. Chris asks if this is his final decision. Erika has to sit down and cry hysterically. Jaclyn takes off and becomes the third girl to hide in a bathroom this season. Shawntel makes a graceful exit, sort of. Courtney throws some bitchy barbs as she walks by. Shawntel says Ben isn’t “man enough” to accept that they have a connection.
Yes, Shawntel. Ben is not man enough to admit he loves you. I’m sure that’s it.”
On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m glad Jaclyn’s gone, but the teasers make it look like a brunette is going home next week and I’m a little concerned it might be my girl from Tennessee. I guess we will know soon enough!
Ben is taking the tour to Utah now. Because that just screams romance.
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