The Bachelorette: And I’ll Cry if I Want To!

Welcome back everyone! So excited for this episode! Let’s get right into it! We start off with the boys in the living room and they’re all looking cute and sleepy. Except Weatherman, who of course looks like he’s been up since 4am, rearranging his sock drawer and picking out ties.

BTW – I totally have the shirt on the left. (How butch am I?!) And the one on the right – “Culture & Experienced”? It’s kind of contradictory when you have to say it with a shirt.

Host Chris announces that there will be 2 individual dates and one group (gang bang) date. He lets the boys know to make the best of their time with Ali – cause it might be short. And if they don’t get a rose on a date – they’re screwed. First up… ROBERTO! Yeah!!! He’s kinda my fav.

Hey Belinda Carlisle, Cover it up! Outfit FAIL.

So Ali shows up for her date with Roberto and a HELICOPTER lands in the backyard to pick them up! And as they run towards the helicopter and leave the other boys behind…

I’m reminded that I kinda hate her.

Although that thing makes him look like Hitler so I guess I’m not TOTALLY jealous.

So Ali’s really nervous about flying (do they live on an island?! Just take the @%! car then!) but Roberto’s there to calm her fears…

Fixed!

If I was the pilot I would’ve turned around and been like, “OH REALLY?! Why don’t you leave the flying to me and I’ll leave the whoring to you. DEAL?!”

So Roberto comforts her and Ali feels like he was such a “man”. Ummmm ok. It was a helicopter ride not a tour of duty in ‘nam.

Ali then reveals that their romantic dinner is on the rooftop of the building next to them.

The world’s windiest restaurant with smog to choke on and a 20 minute hike to the nearest restroom. Gee, you should’ve have.

Oh but it gets better! They have to walk across a TIGHT ROPE to get there. You gotta love Roberto for being excited when I would’ve already been looking for the elevator.

Back at the MANsion…

These two would make the cutest couple EVER. I feel like Ali’s leftovers should be forced to pair off.

Meanwhile, these two set the douche-o-mater off the charts in just one shot.

Back at the tightrope, Roberto tells Ali that if she gets nervous, she can just look over at him and she’ll be “all good”. What is he? The friggin’ “Whore’s Whisperer”? GET IT?! Ya like what I did there?

Ali wants a guy that will be able to meet any challenges they might come across – which is why she came up with this idea. Great. I can see it now: “Honey – did you pay the bills?! Feed the baby?! Take out the garbage?!” “No… I drew a line on the carpet. Watch me walk it!”

And helmets? Really? They’re like 20 stories up. It’s like wearing a condom to protect your penis from smashing it with a hammer.

So Roberto thinks this is the perfect time for a kiss…

Awww… their first (and probably last) kiss! Snap! WAHHHHHH!!!

So they finally make it across the rope and kiss and hug while watching the sunset. Roberto tells Ali he really hopes to watch a lot more sunsets with her. She, in turn, gives him a cute “not before I bang those 15 other guys at home” shrug.

Over at the MANsion, the boys receive their next group date invite: Kirk, John, Chris N, Frank, Jonathan, Craig, Justin, Jesse and Chris L.

John also reveals that…

Ali’s gonna wish she was tall enough to see the top of his head.

The clue for the group date is “Rock My World”. The boys all think it has something to do with music but personally I think they’re going to stone her “Mary Magdalene-style” for being a loose woman.

Best part? Kasey, of all people, says he’s bummed to miss it because he “has a great voice for singing.” He’s setting me up! I swear! There’s no way if he has a hearing problem he says shit like that. It’s gotta be that he just has a freaky voice.

We then join Ali and Roberto on their rooftop date. Roberto reveals to Ali that his first language was Spanish and he knows a little Italian and a little French and…

Ali gets a little lady boner. She totally wants to have a little Spanish in her too.

OMG. Then Ali says, “Sometimes I think Roberto’s so good looking that I’m not pretty enough for him. Not many guys make me feel that way!” HAHAHAHAHA! Ali, you just might be the prettiest girl with the biggest balls I’ve ever seen. Good for you!

So they finish dinner (what was it?! we don’t find out!?) and…

A rooftop BED?! WTF. Are there safety bars?! Don’t roll over!

They get all lovey and cuddley and kissy. Ali tells him “Da un beso!” which means get a kiss. This guy’s a charmer. I love him to death but I get the feeling she’ll also need to learn, “It’s 3am – where have you been?!” and “Is that lipstick on your collar?!” in Spanish.

So Roberto gets “la rosa”! And he also gets many more besos. It’s looking good for there to be little blonde kids with tans that won’t stop giggling in the future.

The next morning all the guys get ready for their group “rock date” with Ali. They head off to the secret location and…

Sidenote: How beautiful is the LA River?!

So the boys arrive to the middle of nowhere to meet Ali. It’s so random and it looks like the ghetto.

Totally gonna be a gunfight. She’s gonna pick off the ones she doesn’t like! Ahhh I kid. But if this was on Fox those guys would be riddled with bullets by now.

So the boys turn the corner and find out – there’s a performance of the “Bare Naked Ladies” going on! WOW!

“It’s been… 10 years since we’ve had a hit… now we’re selling ourselves out – what is this shit?!”

Ali announces that they’re all gonna be in “BNL’s” new music video! YEAH! However, much to my dismay it’s called “You Runaway” instead of “Everyone Except for Ali & Weatherman, Take Off Your Clothes.” So BNL plays this new song for them and everyone starts dancing. Which is great…

Because Ali gets proof that all of her guys are, indeed, complete white boys.

I love how Jesse never meets an occasion he doesn’t like to be shirtless for. No, seriously. I love it.

So the boys all have their own scene with Ali and get their scripts. The Weatherman starts shitting thunderbolts that he has a KISS in his scene! Only he would freak himself out about this. The other guys all have a blast freaking him out even more. If I was there I would’ve had a field day with him. “Ya know Weatherman, Ali said that she really wants someone to tongue her today. Oh and she loves it when you squeeze her boobies. REALLY hard.”

Frank’s up first with Ali (per usual) and he comments that he hopes he’s ALWAYS the first of everything with Ali. LOL. I’m sure we can all think of ONE thing you weren’t Ali’s first for…

I know. It’s not pretty but it happened. And I’m guessing it was the Varsity Football team.

So things finally get started and Frank’s big scene is up. The highlight is that Ali gets to smack the crap out of him. Of course she does it over and over again…

Good practice for when he tells her about curfew and that his Mom wants them sleeping in separate rooms.

Next up is John’s turn. The poor guy gets a quick scene in which he steps into a tub and she immediately steps out.

AWW! He kinda won me over with the crushed look. I’m surprised she didn’t toss a toaster in on her way out.

Now it’s time for Weatherman who is now totally panic-shitting. He even goes up to her and tells her if she doesn’t want to kiss him, she doesn’t have to…

He might as well have added: “…I’d be happy to have Jesse stand in for you.”

So they give it the ol’ college try – and by “college try” I mean the Weatherman would’ve been much more comfortable reading a book in a library eating Doritos covered in his own tears. GOOD GOD. He totally makes the scene aaaaaawkward and Ali tries to kiss him and it looks like a hag and her gay kissing for the first/last time.

I kid you not. This is how he came at her to kiss her. He’s going to swallow her head.

It’s OK Weatherman! Hang in there! There’s no way it can get worse—

OH FOR SHIT’S SAKE! YOU’RE CRYING?!

So Weatherman totally starts crying cause the guys are teasing him. Fantastic. Great job kiddo! I’m sure you’ll be in the final two! It’ll be between Roberto and the Human Betsy Wetsy Doll.

The scenes with the other boys go much better. I mean, they kind of have to. It doesn’t get much worse unless they set her on fire and urinate on her to save her. Nah – you know what? Crying’s totally worse. The best part is all of the boys are convinced that their scene actually meant something with Ali while she was just acting in everyone else’s scenes. So true. She’s like the Meryl Streep of her time. If Meryl Streep giggled and was the biggest cocktease of all time.

“I looooove cock!”

Kirk’s scene is the BY FAR the best! He rolls around half-naked in the bed with Ali while the boys look on completely devastated. They make out FOREVER and Frank is completely crushed. Meanwhile the Weatherman is bitching, “This scene has no emotion! He’s not even crying!!”

So the day finally comes to a wrap and Ali takes the boys to a rooftop pool party (what is it with this girl and rooftops?!) where…

Jesse is apparently employed as a bodyguard. <Insert “He can guard my body anytime” jokes here>

Ali steals Ty away for a lil’ one-on-one action and he tells her about the tattoo across his body that’s his mom’s signature…

I think she just realized she’ll be staring at his Mom’s name every time they do it.

Oh yikes – he just told her about his mom passing away. Awww. Sadness. You know what’s sadder though? Heeeeeeeere’s Jonny! Who not only has an awkward conversation about earlier awkwardness but just as he asks her for a “private kiss”, Craig shows up and he jokes around about leaving her for Craig.

Missed Connections.

Weatherman says he’ll be surprised if he doesn’t get a rose. That makes one of us. Seriously? This guy is delightfully delusional.

Back at the MANsion, Hunter finds out that he’s the next one-on-one date! Poor Steve “I haven’t eaten sugar or fat, EVER” from Ohio – he’s bummed he’s yet to get a date.

Up on the rooftop, Kirk takes Ali into the hot tub and tells her what he felt in the scene was “real”. She kinda agrees and just decides to make out with him. I mean… basically she’s playing hard to get. Kirk says he just got the “shivers”. This is Kirk-speak for, “This hot tub needs to be drained, cleaned and re-fiilled.”

While Kirk nails Ali in the tub, the boys all look on with jealousy and soon decide to cannonball in. Except for Tiny Tim…

Hey guys! I can play too! Put me in coach! Put me in!

So it’s finally time for the rose and… KIRK GETS IT! Only makes sense that he gets the rose since I’m pretty sure he just deflowered her in the hot tub.

Ali then premiers their music video on the side of the top of the building…

Leaving thousands of Los Angelenos down below to comment, “Wait, the Bare Naked Ladies are doing soft porn now?”

The next day at the MANsion, Justin the “entertainment” wrestler, decides to walk to Ali’s house to pay her a surprise visit! CREEEPY!

BTW, Ladies, never hire this body guard to protect you. “Ali? Oh yeah – she’s right over that way. If you hurry you can catch her in the shower!”

Was anyone else TOTALLY hoping for a “Keyser Soze” moment where Justin takes off the cast and walks normally to the house?! That would’ve been AWESOME.

So Justin limps his dumbass over to Ali’s and interrupts her filming to, what appears to be, murder her…

“What? What do you mean ‘Don’t turn around?’ Why’s everyone running?!?”

Justin says the look on her face was worth the trip. I guess the “Are you going to kill me now?!” look really does it for him.

Although Ali SHOULD be creeped out, she says that it’s actually a turn on that Justin would do such a crazy thing. Awesome. I guess she’s totally gonna cream herself when she finds his “Ali Shrine” complete with pieces of her hair and fingernail clippings.

The two of them sit down and he shares photos of his family with her. He also tells her that when he was old enough, he told his mom he didn’t need his dad in his life anymore – and then his Dad died. OH MY GOD – HE CAN KILL PEOPLE WITH HIS MIND! RUN ALI RUUUUUUUN!!!!

Then Ali pulls her classic “throw myself into him with my back first and pull his arm around move”:

She does this move alot. It’s gotta mean something. Someone should make a chart about who she does this move to and what happens to them. Unfortunately, I’m not obsessed enough to do it. Well, really I’m just too lazy.

Back at the MANsion, Hunter’s waiting for his date. Little does he know he’s about to get the day’s sloppy seconds. Ali’s waaaaaaaay late because Justin cocked up the time schedule. Hunter’s totally gonna beat him with those crutches if he finds out. Let’s get ready to RUUUUUMBLE!!!

Ali pulls up and drops Justin back off. BULLSHIT! She totally should’ve made him walk back. Wimp.

Ali picks Hunter up and takes him (drum roll please!)… to her house. WAH WAH WAAAAHHHH! Seriously?! Jesse gets VEGAS and Hunter gets 2 miles down the road for a BBQ?! Uh oh. Hope you packed your bags buddy!

Hunter starts by putting an apron on Ali before they get cooking and she says “This is the first time I’ve ever worn an apron!” It would’ve been fantastic if Hunter just said, “Fuck that.” and dropped everything and walked away.

Uhhh… How much are they eating!? Sick. I hope the hanky panky stays above the waist tonight.

Back at the MANsion, Justin is dropping hints/jokes left and right about “walking over to see Ali”. He’s just looooving that the boys don’t know but the “audience” does. Him and Kirk have a chat and Justin makes the call that Hunter won’t be coming back tonight.

Speaking of, Ali and Hunter are now in the hot tub?! Does this girl go more than an hour without being in a hot tub?!

OH MY GOD! SHE’S A MERMAID!

Once they’re just about to kiss, Hunter decides to talk about life plans instead. And adds that he “loves to love”. Yikes. Ali decides to rescue him from more awkwardness (after saying she doesn’t think it’s going so well in her interview) and they switch to roasting marshmallows.

Back at the MANsion, Justin is telling the boys that he’d “give it all up” for Ali. WHAT?! NOOO! Not the distinguished and lucrative career of entertainment wrestling!

Just think of how great it’ll be!

Then Justin pours his heart (and tears) out to all the boys and tells them he’ll do anything for a family – especially if it’s a family that can be filmed before a live studio audience… with lots of cameras… and money. I’M JUST SAYING!

Over at the date, Hunter builds a fire… along with several walls of more awkwardness. Meanwhile, Ali gets the s’mores prepared…

That’s so weird! Look how the marshmallows fell out on the ground!

So Ali confirms what we all saw coming – NO ROSE FOR HUNTER!!! AWWWW! Sadly, Hunter makes one last attempt and asks Ali if there’s anything he can do…

Ouch.

Hunter handles it really well actually as she sends him packing.

Although I would’ve been like, “Ummm Jesse got a Ferrari in Vegas, Roberto got a helicopter and I get a @#%! TAXI?!?” I would’ve paid the cabbie $50 to back over her on the way out.

Back at the MANsion, Hunter swings by to pick up his shit and Justin rejoices that he got canned. LOL. One minute he’s all tears and the next he’s dancing on Hunter’s body. Sweet guy. I’m surprised he didn’t break a chair over the poor guy’s back.

Now it’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony night! Ali spends some time with Chris L. and they share their love for shellfish and flip cup. I smell true love!

Meanwhile, Frank and Kirk discuss their love for Ali and stroke each other’s… egos while Justin and her discuss how he’s an outcast. I feel like he’s really playing the “they’re all picking on me! protect me!” card with her. IS IT WORKING?! God I hope not.

Steve takes this chance to kick the romance up a notch with a little blanket action…

“I know it’s not a hot tub… but I also know how you love to lay down too! “

“Hey – hey – put that back in your pants. What do you think this is? A HOT TUB?!”

Steve then impresses her with not being able to uncork a champagne bottle. It’d be AWESOME if he shot it in her face. Sorry, someone had to say it.

While Steve is impressing Ali, Ty is holding court with the boys and talking smack about Justin. With Ty’s southern accent and attitude, it totally seems like he’s getting the boys ready for “a lynchin’!”

Personally, I’d shit my pants if I walked into this.

But not “Rated R”! He tells everyone to “bring it” and Ty says he thinks Justin’s fake. So Justin pulls a “Weatherman” and cries about it. Nice move!

Meanwhile, Ali and Roberto have some private time…

Her signature move! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

Ali takes this chance to tell Roberto that Justin came to visit her house yesterday. The BEST part is that she does it with a, “I hope this doesn’t get him into trouble! I mean – all I did was tell the boys he broke into the house and sodomized me. Do you think they’ll be maaaaaad? I hope not!” And… roll cameras!

I know you’re hot Jesse, but denim on denim is not formal. I mean REALLY.

So Roberto tells the gang that Justin’s a “Stalkerface…sta…sta…stalkerface!” Ty, of course, goes apeshit and hunts down Justin to interrogate him. I love how they’ve all face-raped her in a hot tub but because he WALKED over there and showed her family PHOTOS – he’s in BIG trouble! KILL THE BEAST!!!

They confront Justin and he stutter-shits his way around an explanation. The boys are practically salivating over beating the shit out of him. Craig tells us that he’s a “Bullshit Detector” (I wonder what the salary is for a job like that – pension? 401K?) and he’s had it with Justin. They all have had it with him. So he goes off and cries about it. UGH. Ummm – this is a show about a semi-dramtic girl finding love and so far 2 men have cried and she hasn’t shed a tear. LOVE IT.

FINALLY TIME FOR THE WAR FOR THE ROSES! Heeeere we go (Kirk & Roberto are already safe)…

Chris L. (Awww!), Jesse (OOOH! And she totally cracks on his denim outfit!), Chris M. (haven’t seen much of him but OK), Ty (Giddy up cowboy!), Kasey (It puts the rose on its lapel!), Craig (She needs a good BS detector! Good call.), Frank (He’s totally gonna be final 3), Jonathan (OH LORD! RATINGS PICK!!!)… and the final rose goes to… JUSTIN!!! WHAT?!?!! Poor Steve! How could you, Ali?!!? He hasn’t eaten since last October for this!!!

So Steve… how do you feel? What’s on your mind?

I know buddy, you deserve it. See ya on “The Biggest Loser”!

I bet he wishes he popped it in her face now. And we’re all sad to see the sweet lil’ guy from the bathtub go…

Him: “Don’t forget meeeeee!” Us: “Never!”

So anyways, it sucks to see Hunter, Steve and…. whoever the fuck that other guy was, go but we must move on! FOR ALI! FOR THE CHILDREN!

Hope everyone enjoyed! What do you all think? Does anyone out there have one of those BS detectors?! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!