The Bachelorette: Ashley’s Revenge, Part Two!

In the last spine-tingling episode, we left off with Tim and Jeff about to enter into World War III. And apparently, it wasn’t a significant enough storyline to carry over to part two of our premiere, so we dropped it.

We open on the men discussing their strategies, most of which include getting a little face time with our heroine – which may either decrease or increase their chances of going home. I think it would be best for this guy to stay in a corner:

According to my X-ray vision, Ashley’s underwear is pink.

But within 30 seconds, Chris Harrison appears to make a grand spectacle of presenting Ashley with her first impression rose. Now every guy who has a little one-on-one time with Ash must do so in the presence of the rose – the rose staring them right in the face, taunting them. And the next few guys she “interviews” couldn’t be more boring. There’s a lot of “uh-huh’s” and “that’s so interesting” coming from Ashley. But with so many men, I bet she can’t remember half their names or recall anything they said. I know I can’t.

During one particular session with some random dudes, Ben C., the romantic lawyer from New Orleans, makes his move. He holds various signs up to the window which state, “Hello, beautiful. These guys seem cool but… we haven’t talked yet.”

That makes me sad smiley face? What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Well Ben C. finally gets his chance to tell Ash how he knows French. HE WAS BORN IN FRANCE. His dad is French. So there’s no Rosetta Stone for this guy. To enhance his pedigree, he was raised in England. He sounds like he’s from Cincinnati, so I just hope he’s telling the truth.

Next is William, who does impersonations. Really bad impersonations. One was of Sean Connery – I couldn’t make out the other. Although I’m sure if Sean Connery were there little William would be lying facedown on the concrete right now, covered in blood. After the impersonations, William tells Ash he’s just a 30-year-old boy who will never grow up, which is a great thing to tell a woman who’s there looking for a husband. Regardless, Ashley is impressed. It’s good to keep him around anyway. If she dates him for awhile, she’s cursed to marry the next guy she meets.

Ashley is definitely taking this seriously, taking the time to really get to know all 25 men. She even talks to Tim – you know, the man who has absolutely nothing to say. And he’s scared of her. That’s what he tells her when she first sits down. So strike one for Tim. After a long, uncomfortable silence, it’s revealed that Tim is completely plastered. Ashley tries to make conversation, but when he states he sells “wine and spears” for a living, Ash flees for her safety.

I can’t feel my tongue.

Tim’s situation is so interesting that the cameras abandon Ashley to follow him around the house for awhile. And he’s druuuunk! Swaying and belching, he makes his way around the living room, talking nonsense. Although the other guys seem a little concerned, all is fine – until Jeff enters the room. And as you know, Tim LOVES Jeff. Right off the bat he berates him. Well, he tries to – Tim can’t seem to finish his sentences. But he does manage to remove his jacket and sputter something about a fight. Fortunately, he can’t move. The best he can do is attempt to bully him verbally from a distance. And we all know how good Tim is with words.

Hey, somebody help me stand up straight so I can punch him in the face.

Luckily, Jeff remains calm and walks away. If Ashley wanted men to physically fight over her, she’s SOL. She doesn’t seem like the type anyway. By this point it’s become fairly obvious Tim was cast to play the village idiot – although I’m sure the producers didn’t get the drama they were hoping for.

Finally, Tim passes out on a couch in the backyard – much to Ashley’s dismay. She even gently tries to wake him, but it’s a no go.

Shhhh! He’s sleeping like a baby.

Well, if there’s one thing you don’t do, it’s disrespect the Bachelorette. Ash has no choice but to send him home then and there. Ashley has a few of the more sober guys drag Tim’s ass to a waiting car out front, and he’s never heard from again. His body turned up in a river three days later.

And if it’s possible to add insult to injury in this case, Ashley chooses Jeff to be the next guy she talks to. Surprisingly, she’s open to his idea of getting to know his personality before he reveals his face. And he promises he’ll take the mask off eventually. And by eventually he means at the end of the movie, when everyone is dead and the killer’s identity is revealed.

Now that Jeff is a little less weird, we can move on to J.P. Oh, J.P… the only man who’s name I truly remember in this show. He’s just so… normal! J.P. is the every guy – every cute guy. Oh, and his boss jokingly calls him cupcake, which is sooo ironic because Ashley has strong ties to the word cupcake. She has always thought that the man she marries will give her the nickname cupcake! They have so much in common!

OMG. We’re like a pair of Twinkies!

It takes 1.5 episodes before Ashley finally sits down with Bentley. Unbeknownst to Bentley, Ashley already knows his deal. She’s been informed through the grapevine that Bentley’s not here to fall in love. But Ash feigns surprise when Bentley tells her all about his life, including his divorce and his poorly-named child. The only hint Ashley gives Bentley that she knows what’s up is she makes him promise to be honest with her – repeatedly. And he does. And she buys it. But in a romantic setting like this, how could you not trust a potential suitor?

Hey what’s that over there? (Pours something in her drink)

During an on-camera confession, Ashley reveals she found Bentley very genuine. In fact, he’s everything she’s looking for in a man. And what was once important background information has now turned into “speculation.” You know what, that’s not fair to say. One should never buy into rumors. After the precious few minutes Ashley spends with Bentley, she chucks all her suspicions and declares he’s the right man for her.

Well, all the men have been interviewed and appropriately tossed back into the sea or shoved into cars. Now it’s time to give away the first impression rose. And it goes to:

Oh god, please don’t pick Bentley, please don’t pick Bentley.

Ryan P! Oh, happy fist hearts! (Read the part one recap for an explanation.) She steals Ryan away from the rest of the guys, leaving one poor sap to mutter, “So, anyways…” in the wake of their disappearance. Tragic. Ryan’s success spreads like wildfire throughout the house, leaving the rest of the guys to whisper like the jealous little girls they are.

Ryan accepts his rose and giggles. Still no kiss though. When do we get to the make out scenes?

Needless to say, Bentley is not happy he didn’t win the first impression rose. I mean, he’s not like attracted to her at all, but he is pretty awesome, so he deserved it. Bentley doesn’t like Ashley, but she sure as hell better like him. Cuz that’s how it works in Bentley’s world.

Webster Dictionary’s definition of a narcissist: Bentley, a 28-year-old businessman who resides in Salt Lake City, UT and enters reality dating shows to gain fame and fortune.

But enough of that. It’s time for the rose ceremony, and Chris Harrison must whisk Ashley away so he can explain the rules to the guys. They waste no time getting to the point – there’s 17 more roses to hand out, and six guys are going home tonight.

Wait. I haven’t watched this in a few years. Whatever happened to sending 10 guys home? Ugh, this is going to be a very long season.

Well, Ash is back, so let’s get to the point. After a long introduction, which strangely includes Ashley revealing her self-esteem issues to the guys (“I hope you guys are ok with me being the Bachelorette and not Emily”) and a horrid reaction shot from Bentley, Ash gets to handing out roses.

I’ll spare you the banter between Ash and each rose receiver. It’s pretty consistent anyway. Ashley says, “So-and-so, do you accept this rose?” Then the guy says, “Yes,” or something along that line, and there’s usually a hug and, if the guy has time, some quick, meaningless banter.

Wait… Did I get the guy in the mask already? OK, good.

So here’s the dudes who got roses, along with any special reaction, if necessary:

Jeff (he keeps the mask on, FYI)
Constantine
Ben F.
Lucas
Steven
Matt
Nick
Chris D.
Ryan M.
Blake
Mickey
Ben C.
West
William
J.P. (he says, “Hell, yeah!”)
Ames

As you can tell by all my side notes, it was really exciting. The whole thing goes by terribly slowly. And of course, there’s a pause before the last rose. It’s all in order to create suspense, which is pretty much what I’m doing right now.

And the final rose of the evening goes to…

Bentley

Big. Effing. Surprise.

The rest of the guys must go home. And the look on Anthony’s face is heart-breaking.

Come on. How could you say no to this face?

Actually, Anthony’s pissed off. He’s been single for seven years, and after getting crushed on national television he has to go back to being a butcher in New Jersey. Life DOES suck for Anthony. But like a true gentleman, he wishes Ashley well and moves on.

Jon, the e-commerce executive, doesn’t take it so well. Through his tears, Jon says not only did he fall in love with Ashley during “The Bachelor,” but his family did too! He really, truly felt she was “the one.” I think Jon may have a little problem with obsession.

Seriously? You’re seriously crying right now…

After all the uncomfortable good-byes, Ashley is ready to party.  Champagne is poured, glasses are clinked and Ashley states she definitely feels her husband is somewhere in the room. And it’s not Chris Harrison or the cameraman, so that knocks it down a little.

Well, good luck to you, Ashley. I hope you find what you’re looking for. According to a sneak-peak of “The Bachelorette,” it’s going to be a drama-filled season for you. But you get to date 18 men and travel the world. Hope you got your shots, honey!