The Bachelorette: Attraction Over-Reaction

The freakshow that The Bachelorette has become continued last week and the tabloids had the presses ready to jump into the fray:

While it might be a bit of an overreaction to say that the Bachelorette was stabbed in the heart, you’d have thought by her reaction to Bentley’s departure that she was in the middle of experiencing the greatest love of all. But as we all know, thanks to crackhead Whitney Houston, the greatest love of all is really inside of oneself. And as we also know, Bentley did not have a chance to get inside of Ashley, although she was clearly DTF.

Meanwhile, Life & Style has the burning question…

Q: Is Ashley crazy? A: Yes.

As someone who falls in love early and often, I sympathize with the Pygmy. But you gotta know how to play the game, am I right? And that means playing it cool and not acting like a psycho until he puts a ring on it.

The episode started out normally enough. Chris Harrison puts down his Zima and heads to the boys’ house where he recaps the coming events and leaves them a date card. It’s for Ben C., the putty-faced lawyer from New Orleans who, unfortunately, doesn’t have that charming NOLA accent.

What’s more awkward than a first date with a stranger in front of television cameras? How about a first date with a stranger in front of video cameras while performing a dance that your date choreographed? And doing it in front of hundreds of strangers? Yes, Ashley’s stupid dance fetish continued with a flash mob at some outdoor mall. Putty-Face gamely went along with learning and performing the dance because he thought that watching Ashley dance was hot and boys will do anything for a girl that’s hot, even if it means they look like an ass while doing it.

Exhibit A.

So the dance was a literal interpretation of Far East Movement’s “Like a G6″ song. The choreography for the line “poppin’ bottles” was actually pouring something into a glass and drinking it. Later, Far East Movement performed live.

I had no idea they were all Asian teenagers who’d been rummaging through Kanye West’s closet.

After the performance, the audience called for Ashley to kiss Putty-Face and they gave one another a small kiss and everyone went nuts.

We don’t have lives of our own! Yaaay!

Later, they went to the Hilton, sat by the pool and each had a glass of red wine and a glass of white wine. That is my kind of date. Putty-Face told Ashley his love philosophy: he wants to live in a love bubble where they’re more in love than anyone else on the planet, or something like that. He sounded really crazy, but Ashley made goo-goo eyes at him and ate that bullshit up with a spoon. She gave him a rose to keep him around and then they kiss some more. No tongue, though, which means he has no shot at winning this thing.

Ben-tense: “I totally wanna keep you in a bubble. A bubble of love.”

Back at the house, there are two developments happening with Jeff, the “entrepreneur” who wore the stupid mask for the first couple of nights. Number one, creepy organ music has been edited into every scene that he’s in. And number two, Jeff has decided it’s high time he take off the mask. He figured wearing it any longer would just be downright silly. How bad do you think it smelled under that mask? Remember when you were a kid and used to leave band-aids on for way too long….

Are you dying to know what’s under here? Me neither.

When Ashley came to pick up the boys who are going on the group date, Jeff pulled her to the side first and they had the following riveting conversation:

“What’s up?”
“What’s up?”
“Not much. What’s up with you?”

The most riveting use of the phrase “what’s up” since Saturday Night Live.

Jeff told Ashley that true love starts with something on the inside. And that something is a tight, tiny ball of crazy around which a couple can build a truly disturbing relationship. Jeff pulled the mask off. And maybe Ashley was expecting this:

Beauty & the Beast: Best Reveal Ever

But she got this:

Bachelorette: Most Depressing Reveal Ever

“Hi. I’m Jeff,” Jeff said. Ashley looked at him and blinked.

She confessed to the camera that Jeff is older than she thought but she does think he’s cute. OK, now that this great mystery is solved… let’s send this dude home.

So the group date included Jeff and a whole bunch of other guys, most of whom all still sort of look alike to me — this crowd needs to be thinned out a little more before I start mentioning the ones who aren’t freaks by name.

So the group date was a trip to the Comedy Store where they met Roastmaster Jeff Ross (TM). Roastmaster Ross told the guys that roasting comes from a place of love and affection (nothing says love and affection like getting The Situation to tell some awful horrifying jokes about deaf women and black people).

So, Roastmaster Ross told the guys that they’d be roasting Ashley in front of a live audience and that if you can make a woman laugh at herself, you can get her to do anything. Not sure if I’d be taking romance advice from this dude:

The smarter boys realized that they could just make fun of one another and lob softballs at Ashley. William is not one of the smart boys. He saw this as his big shot to impress Roastmaster Ross, who’d save him from his job hawking cell phones in Ohio. And if had to step all over little Ashley to realize his dream of living the sweet, satisfying life a standup comic, so be it. He doesn’t want to make Ashley cry, he said. But it just might happen. A real winner, this guy.

At the roast, Roastmaster Ross kicked things off by asking if this was The Bachelorette or The Biggest Loser. LULZ!! Then he told a joke about dentists filling cavities. Double-LULZ!!

To start with, the guys mostly told jokes about one another’s giant foreheads and low self-esteem that required the wearing of masks. Masked Avenger Jeff actually took the first shot at Ashley by commenting on how small her tits are. She laughed along gamely at that. William did not like this. He did not like this at all! Most of the guys were being respectful of Ashley’s feelings. But that’s not what a roast is about! If you’re soft at a roast, you’re a douchebag, he informed us. Um, correction — if you’re mean to the woman you want a relationship with you’re a douchebag.

He got up and called Ashley gorgeous and used. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, he said, adding that he’d come to be with Chantal or Emily, but Ashley was the Bachelorette instead. Here’s a quick recap of what happened:

Hey, this is pretty fun; plus I’m a good sport!

Yes, yes, everybody knows I’m a member of the itty bitty titty committee.

Hmmm… this isn’t really funny. But at least it’ll be over soon. I can pretend to be happy for a few more minutes. I’ve been doing it for years.

Gawd, I wanna cut myself.

What?! I usually kill at the Cell Phone Shack!

The audience booed him, Ashley looked mortified and Roastmaster Ross mocked him. After the show, Ashley went into a corner by herself to cry while the guys all stood around across the room looking useless. All of the guys except for Bentley. Who would have thought that when Satan came to earth, he’d take the form of a single dad, and Bachelorette contestant. It makes perfect sense, though.

So Bentley slinked (slunk?) away from the group and slithered up to Ashley in the dark  and hissed into her ear that she has everything a guy’s looking for and has small, spectacular tatas. He told the camera that it was a great opportunity to mess with her head and “I hate it when people cry; it’s not attractive at all.”

He also told Ashley that of the 25 guys who were on the show, at least 24 of them were excited that she was the one who was the bachelorette. Of course, he knew that Ashley would assume that William was the one guy who was not excited, and he couldn’t stop himself from curling his lips into a slow, evil smile.

Barely containing an evil laugh.

Later, the group got together for the requisite cocktail party, but Ashley couldn’t stop crying because she has low self-esteem and somebody hurted her feewings. She was so upset she couldn’t even focus on The Mask telling her about the abused, three-legged dog he’d adopted.

Of course, all of this made William feel bad, and he started crying, too and then just walked off into the night, taking off along the dirty, gritty streets of L.A. as he thought about the horrible thing he’d done: missed his shot at fame not once, but twice that night. He’d neither get to stay on The Bachelorette nor tell his hilary comedy jokes about his wacky adventures as a cell phone salesman on stage again. Since The Roastmaster didn’t pull William onto the back of his white steed and rescue him from a life of anonymity, William decided the best thing to do would be to go back and beg Ashley’s forgiveness.

This season’s first Pretty Woman moment.

Meanwhile, Ryan, chief executive officer of sunshine, allowed Ashley to mope a little while longer before giving her some encouraging words, holding her hand, and smiling charmingly at her. This is a good way to help a woman get over a little heartbreak, boys. Listen. Say something reassuring. Be adorable. It worked on Ashley and she ended up giving Ryan a rose, which irritated the Antichrist to no end.

Well played, Sunshine.

The most interesting part of the group date actually happened when Ashley took Beelzebub to the side and told him about the texts she’d received before the show. According to these texts, Bentley only went on the show to promote his business. If that’s the case, he’s a terrible marketer, because I’m not really sure what his business is. Also, unless it’s a national business, he’s really not hitting his target audience. He’d be better served by buying some ad time in Salt Lake City.

Initially, Bentley was non-commital, and it was pretty obvious that he was fishing to find out exactly how much Ashley had heard about him. He correctly guessed that former Bachelor contestant Michelle Money was behind the texts and said that old Crazy Pants Michelle was not a good source of information. Side note to Bachelorette producers: please make Michelle the next Bachelorette! Signed, People Who Love Trainwrecks and Fiery Explosions.

Bentley assured Ashley that “there’s a feeling there, for sure” and promised that he’s following her “every step of the way.” These things mean nothing, but apparently they sounded pretty good to Ashley, who ended up snuggled into Bentley’s chest while he rubbed her neck and contemplated snapping the bones in it.

The next day, the feeling of being a rat trapped in a corner proved too much for Bentley, who packed his bags and decided to leave. He reassured the camera that he’s not leaving because of his daughter, but that’s what he told everyone. After all, the thing that’s more evil than lying to a woman who’s in love with you on television is including your young child in your deception.

He headed off to the house where Ashley was staying. She spent the morning wandering around the property thinking about him, because, as she told the camera, she’d fallen in love with him the night before. Meanwhile, Bentley was thinking about how hot Emily is and that Ashley is an “ugly duckling” in comparison.

So, Bentley told Ashley that he was leaving because he missed his daughter too much and he could no longer take the thought of her waking up and wondering where her daddy was. Here’s what she’s really wondering:

“Why is my daddy such an asshole?”

Ashley, of course, was very upset and wished they could bring his daughter to the show, because that would be healthy for everyone involved. She cried and sniffled and Bentley told her that he’d had the same tears. There was a lot of hugging and more crying and kisses and Bentley told us how annoying it is to hold a girl that won’t stop crying.

Last act of a classless man: copping a feel after dumping a girl.

He told her that her tears made her eyes sparkle and then he walked out of her life and back to the underworld. Ashley did what any girl does when her heart’s broken. She got under the covers and sobbed out that heartache.

Fortress of Sad-itude.

Poor JP. He was up for a one-on-one date and instead of going to Vegas or seeing Far East Movement, he had to go to Ashley’s house where she was a sobbing, swollen mess.

Hawt.

He arrived looking juicy and bearing flowers and good intentions, so he was off to a good start. Nothing helps you get over heartache like a hot man in a tight shirt.

After dinner by the fire, they put on their pajamas and lie on a rug and chat. Even though Ashley has spent hours crying over someone else and is wearing some very thick glasses and Ugg slippers, JP seemed perfectly happy to be there and Ashley gave him a rose. They follow it up with some making out, and there’s tongue! And Ashley said he’s a better kisser than Bentley.

The road to recovery is long, hard and sexy.

However, when Rose Ceremony time rolls around, Ashley was still moping around like a five-year-old whose toy got taken away. She really was being a baby about all of this. I think that she really could benefit from a few conversations with Bachelor Brad’s therapist.

She went into a room with photos of all of the men. She picked up Bentley’s photograph and gazed at it, crying, before lying it face down on a shelf. Chris Harrison has once again been pulled away from whatever it is he does to deal with another psychologically fragile Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Ashley told Chris that she was in love with Bentley. And for the first time, my ice cold heart began to warm toward Chris as he asked some leading questions. Do you think that you felt so strongly about Dick-ley because he’d been forbidden by those mysterious texts? Do you think Michelle Money was right? “Maybe,” Ashley conceded.

Wouldn’t a real man have tried harder to be with you? After all… there are a lot of guys still waiting for you who left jobs and lives behind and they’re not pussying out. Isn’t it unfair to them to sit around moping over a guy you barely knew who didn’t even stick around that long?

During this conversation, you could see realization start to dawn on Ashley’s face and she began to question what was going on with Bentley. Welp. So much for being “in love.” This is weird. Why didn’t Chris just say “look dummy, that guy was an asshole who said some truly terrible things about you behind your back that the entire country is going to see. Move on, bitch!” Why didn’t that happen? Why didn’t someone write those words on Chris H.’s hand and shove him onto the set? This is not a fucking NatGeo documentary where, to preserve the integrity of the film and nature, you let the lion cubs fend for themselves after the lioness is killed, filming their pathetic cries as they slowly starve to death or get eaten by hyenas. This is a reality show. There’s nothing natural about it.

That was grim. Anyway. Ashley decided to move on and do the rose ceremony but not have a cocktail party. This was bad news for William who wanted a chance to plead his case. Jeff, the Maskless Wonder, was happily clueless that he was no longer useful to the show and was looking forward to starting a relationship with Ashley without the mask getting between them.

Chris gathered the boys around and Ashley walked out in a hideous, sparkly dress, moving like she had a banana stuck up her ass. The girl has a terribly uncomfortable walk.

Roses went to Constantine, West, Mickey (who looked especially good in pin stripes!), Ben F. (who looked especially dorky in a striped bow tie), Blake, Nick, Ames, Ames’ forehead, and Lucas. With one rose left, the final three standing were The Mask, William, and some guy I forgot existed named Chris.

The final rose went to William, who totally didn’t deserve that. What’s-his-face Chris kept it klassy by saying very nice things to and about Ashley on his way out. The Mask regretted taking off his mask, realizing that negative attention is better than no attention at all. He burned the mask in a fireplace on his way out and said it’d be a total bummer if he had to spend the rest of his life alone. Well OK, then. Someone did not bring his meds on the show with him…

Whew. That was emotionally exhausting. Sorry this recap was on the late side — the next one will be up much sooner. But I did need to take some time to explore all of the insanity that was going on in this episode. There seems to be a whole lot of crazy on the show this season! I actually feel bad for the normal-seeming guys. I hope one of them gets to be the next Bachelor, because in all honesty, there’s no way that Ashley is ready to handle a committed relationship. Do you have any favorites for the next Bachelor, so far?