The Bachelorette: Ay Dios Mio! The Finale!

HERE WE GO FOLKS! The big finale! It’s 1am and I’m watching it fresh without knowing a thing just for you kids! So without wasting another minute (because this show has already wasted (what feels like) hundreds of hours) I give you… “THE BACHELORETTE“!!!

We return to Tahiti – scene of the crime where Frank got to return the favor of so many exiled gentlemen and ripped Ali’s heart out. There were screams and tears (unfortunately no bloodshed) and Ali decided in the end to stick it out with her “top two”: Roberto and Chris! Will she go mocha or vanilla??!

“What about a mocha-vanilla latte?! HOLD THE FRANK!”

We swoop in on Bora Bora to find Ali excited to be there. It’s a dream come true for her! I kind of believe that she has dreamt about tramping her way through 20 or so guys on a reality show. I mean, it’s every little girl’s dream now-a-days! Pretty soon Barbie’s Play House is going to come with a Fantasy Suite and a drive-thru STD clinic. Merry Christmas lil Ali!

We’re treated to a nice montage of all the happier memories and then of course her tearing into Justin and Frank. Thaaaanks for the memories! She then chats about how amazing her two remaining men are – we see more montages – and first up is Robbie Robbie-berto, Robbie Robbie-berto – Don’t call his name – Don’t call his name… ROBERTO!

Ali starts off by saying she’s excited because she could be “engaged” by the end of the week! Hmmm GIRL you better be or I am cutting people left and right. I did not devote countless hours of my summer for you not to jump blindly into a binding relationship, in front of God and Country, for our own entertainment. DO IT ALREADY!

Roberto’s nervous about meeting Ali’s family but she says he shouldn’t be nervous at all. It’d be awesome if Roberto knocks on the door to Ali’s Dad’s hut and it opens to…

<CLICK> “YOU THE MEXICAN THAT’S BEEN NAILING MY LITTLE GIRL?!!”

Sidenote: I googled “shotgun in face” for the photo for this joke and I might never be able to sleep again with the images that got kicked back. I hope you all enjoyed it because I just lost what little innocence I might have had.

So Roberto finally meets Ali’s family – Dad, Mom, Bro & Sis and starts things off by telling them how he spoke Spanish to her first. They’re all charmed by it. If my Grandfather was there this would’ve been SOOOO much more interesting. “WHAT did he say!? He’s speaking that gibberish! Ya know… there’s a good chance I would’ve shot at you in the war.” Oh Grandpa.

The whole family then sits down to dinner and after they grill Roberto with important questions – like his favorite sports teams (apparently this ranks right up there with things like “Do you want children?” and “How do you feel about beating your wife if she burns dinner?”) the siblings decided to take Roberto outside for some heavy petting… er… grilling. Her sister’s a little… umm… “fluffy” and looks like she might wanna do both. It must’ve been an amazing convo because it got cut down to 2 sentences of Roberto saying there was an instant connection while the two siblings stood there awkwardly. I think the producers shouted, “LET’S WRAP THIS UP QUICK! THOSE TWO AREN’T GETTING ANY PRETTIER AND THIS FILM’S EXPENSIVE!”

Meanwhile, Ali stays inside and glows about Roberto to her parents. She sounds totally smitten. If she’s trying to make us all believe she’s totally in love with both of them – it’s working.

Then Roberto has a little chat with Ali’s Mom and she asks Roberto if he has any questions for her about Ali. I love how this is almost like a job interview. Roberto should ask her how many hours she expects him to put into Ali and if it’s commission-based.

Ali’s Mom says he’s doing a good job already at making her happy and then starts crying. Good lord, she IS Ali’s mother. If her hair falls to shit and her mascara runs then there’s NO DOUBT they’re related.

She even speaks Spanish to Roberto!

…in short-lived relationships fueled by money and fame? No?

…will be smashed into a million pieces by the end of this episode? 50/50!

…cacao? Mmmmm….

Instead of telling her that her accent is shit and smacking her, Roberto hugs Mom and then starts panic-shitting about his meeting with Ali’s Dad.

Commercial Break!

Only 20 schools?! Cheap bastards. Here’s an idea: $1 to 500,000 schools. Everyone wins. You’re welcome.

And from Toyota…

…right up until the point when you try to come to a stop while blowing into an intersection at 60mph. Then…well… best of luck.

EEK! Courtney Love looks worse and worse after every conviction.

And we’re back! Time for DADDY! Dad’s concerned about it being such a short time and asks Roberto what he loves about Ali. Roberto says he loves that family is important to her. Fool. He should have gone with “stellar BJ’s”. Every father respects that. He would’ve scored BIG! I feel like I should be a coach on this show.

Roberto says he just wants Ali’s Dad to know how much he cares for Ali and wants to know if he has his permission to MARRY HER if it comes to that! WHAT WHAT?! Shit’s getting REAL! Ali’s Dad says he doesn’t see a problem with that because he seems like a good guy. YOU JUST MET HIM!!! Sure, he’s gorgeous, but you’re not supposed to be as easily mislead as the rest of us! Ugh. Hopefully her Dad is just a really good (and quick) judge of character. I’d like to think that if he met Frank he would’ve said, “Alright cut the shit pansy – your head’s more fucked up than an orphan at Christmas – now hit the road!”

Things go so well with the family that Roberto aka “El Salsador” ends up teaching Ali’s Mom to dance…

Something tells me Ali’s sister has always gotten the shaft. Poor Fluffzilla.

Ali and Roberto then sneak off for a good ol’ make-out-fest and both say that they feel really good about the family date. Ali is happy with the way things went but is wondering how things will go with Chris’ family day! Poor girl! Two hot, funny, charming, amazing men to choose from! Isn’t that awful?! (Seriously – I’m amazed Ali will be able to walk down a street without getting a high heel upside the head after this.)

Commercials!

WTF was up with the gay twins feeding each other a hot dog in this Mentos commercial?! Is this what marketing to the gay demographic looks like? If this was a Target ad one of them would get a bottle to the head. Just saying.

Sadly, 4 children and an elderly man were mowed down today when cars mistook 70% off for 70mph. The blood’s on your hands, Burlington Coat Factory.

Can’t wait for the new season of “The Gay Bachelor”! Go Shaq!

Time for Chris! And he brought a giant fruit basket! OOOHHHH! Already one up on Roberto! Chris is a provider! And wants to make sure everyone’s regular!

Everyone goes bonkers when Chris says he’s from Massachusetts. They then ask about his family. Oh plllllease don’t let them say, “When do we get to meet your Mom?!” I’m guessing someone briefed them. Wait.. NOPE. Ali’s Mom asks, “Was your Mom disappointed that she didn’t have daughters?” Yikes. Chris handles it well though and says that she recently passed away instead of screaming, “SHE WAS DISAPPOINTED WHEN SHE DIED YOU @#!%!#% INSENSITIVE BITCH!!! Aaaaaaanyways… papaya anyone?”

Chris bonds with the family quite well and they open up quickly to him. You can’t really tell who they like better at this point. They’re just as skilled at sending mixed signals as Ali is. The mindfuckery is passed down generation to generation it seems.

Ali’s Mom asks Chris to talk about his Mom in detail. Poor guy. How many times has he had to go through this. He seems to enjoy talking about it though. Maybe it’s therapeutic. I would’ve probably told her to stuff it.

Ali’s sister then brings Chris out to the deck pool for some two on one. Oh – Ali’s brother is there too but he has added about 0.2% to the show so far.

With all due respect – was Ali adopted?!

Chris tells the siblings that he’s glad he’s taken it really slow with Ali. That’s true. I mean – 2 months is like 5 years on a reality show time line. Chris then tells them that he IS planning on proposing to Ali in 3 days! AHHHH!!! CRAZY! Who’s it gonna be?!

And, I mean, is she even wearing pants at this point?! Save it for the Fantasy Suite with your brother, missy! GEEEZ.

Meanwhile Ali’s Mom tells Ali that she likes Chris too and is glad she doesn’t have to make the decision. She’s sweet. I hope Ali’s throws her the leftovers.

Commercial Break!

Gayest…Commercial…EVER. I wanna go to Olive Garden!!!

Unless she was just asked “What’s your vulva look like?” this is inappropriate. (I’m bummed I’m not recapping “The Bachelor Pad”! But I’m sure whoever’s doing it will be great. I mean – with shit like this it kinda writes itself.)

Fun! Just like camp! Only replace “being home sick” with “a raging case of oral herpes and/or gonorrhea”.

Making us think that people can be this hot AND eat hamburgers should be illegal. Although since this looks like Arizona and he has a tan it probably is illegal. See ya in Mexico you skinny fucker!

We’re back! It’s dinner time with Chris and Ali’s family is sharing fun stories until Ali’s Dad invites Chris out to the patio. Ali’s Dad seems a little harder on Chris for sure. I’m POSITIVE that the producers took him aside after Roberto and were like “Ummm – that was a little too easy – how about you rough the next guy up some? Make him sweat!” Ali’s Dad comes out with “Can you honestly tell me you love my daughter after 2 months?” BAM! But Chris answers the question well and talks all about family and how amazing Ali is. I think these guys both love Ali but something tells me Chris is going to be more of a MESS if he gets turned down. Ohhhh slow-moving trainwreck that we call “The Bachelorette”. I don’t know if I can watch!

Ali’s Dad likes that Chris is all about family and tells Chris he gives him permission to marry Ali (and quite possibly humiliate himself on national TV). Pretty soon they’re all jumping in the water and having a grand ol’ time.

Are those swim-jogging-pants?! What’s she hiding?! Oh dear. Beware boys! Ali’s gonna have cankles or something! (Sweet lady though.)

Chris and Ali enjoy a make-out-fest (deja vu!) and agree that the family meeting went very well. He’s got… HIIIIIGH HOPES!

Commercial Break!

3D? Ummm YES. I hope that means he’ll be in my lap for the duration of what promises to be an awful film.

I know sweetie – it’s hard to see with all that Revlon make-up on. Sometimes it can get in your eyes causing you to smash the shit out of someone’s car and then flee. Just saying. It could happen. Blame the make-up!

We’re back!

Ali’s having a pow-wow with her family about both guys. Dad seems to like Roberto better but the siblings liked Chris better because he was very sure of his proposal to Ali. Meanwhile Ali’s Mom seems to feel that Chris’ feelings are a little more intense and true. Basically they all love both of them and are zero help in choosing which one. Wah wah waaaaaah! I just hope whoever she chooses they say, “Ohhhhh – we were totally trying to give you signals to pick the other one! Crap. Ali you fuck EVERYTHING up.”

Commercial Break! (Yes… again already)

Mommy lives in her car. What a hysterical notion for our present economy. Stay tuned for the kids eating garbage. FAIL!

Back with Ali! Time for date day with Roberto! And they go jet-skiing because Ali enjoys riding machines that go really fast. It’s like she writes for tvgasm herself.

And then they come to a school of sting ray… AND PROCEED TO GET OFF THE JETSKI TO SWIM WITH THEM!!! WTF?!

Then these two start freaking out when they start touching them. And THEN they wonder if it’s safe. The stingrays keep swimming up to them and they feed them fish. Apparently this was planned. I did not like it. I like my reality love shows sans freak-accidents-resulting-in-death. That’s just me though. Anyways, on to better things!

CLOTHES OFF! CLOTHES OFF!

The two share a cute lil picnic and kisses. Ali seems over-the-moon and just then it begins to pour rain. So, OF COURSE, after a good ol’ day of sting-ray dodging, why WOULDN’T they run into the water during a rain storm. GOOD LORD. Make sure to eat a ton of food before you swim into the water with your lightening rods while you’re at it! Kids these days.

You know the crew was just THRILLED.

Commercial break!

Overstock.com charges $2.95 for shipping “even if it’s 100 things”! WOW. I kinda wanna order 100 couches, have a block party and then return them. I mean – that’s a pretty entertaining Saturday for $2.95.

We’re back! Time for Roberto and Ali’s last date! The candles are lit, food is out…

…french tickler is in place.

Ali arrives hoping to talk more to Roberto about opening up to her. HOW MUCH MORE CAN HE OPEN UP?! Holy shit lady. I hope you brought a fucking cranium saw.

The two reminisce about their time together and how romantic its been. Ali then reassures (leads on) Roberto that she really does like him and she’s told her family all about her feelings for him. Roberto, in turn, gives her gifts! God I hope it’s a tube of Abreva with a note that says “Apply liberally and immediately”.

Instead it’s a photo of them with a sweet note on the back of it. Awww. Blarg.

You know what’s sad? At this point I started worrying about all the food on the table going to waste. Thank God I’m not single.

Roberto then tells Ali that he’s “definitely falling in love” with her and they make out some more. It’s actually pretty sweet/romantic. Stay tuned for the interview 6 months from now “a la Jake and Vienna” where they hate the fuck out of each other. Until then… ALI DECIDES TO SPEND THE NIGHT!!! If she chooses Chris it’s gonna be really awkward when she pops out a Cubanito 9 months from now.

Commercial Break!

This girl just drank a glass of Benefiber while wearing a feather boa. No shit.

There’s a new horror movie called “Piranha” coming out. Scariest part?

Elizabeth Shue’s acting again.

“NOOOOOO!!!” Yes.

BTW there’s like 30+ new cop/doctor/lawyer dramas coming out in the fall. So that’s pretty groundbreaking.

And we’re back! Just in time for Ali to slip on out of Roberto’s place, wash the Cuba Libre off of her and meet up with Chris!

Meanwhile Chris is sure he’s going to propose to Ali and is excited to see her again! And then there’s a door knock – and Ali – and there’s no background music – and uh oh – THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL. Ali’s talking fast – words are flying – random compliments – loss of thought – ohhhh fuuuuuck! POOR Chris! HIDE THE RAZORS! HIDE THE ROPE!!!

Ali then comes out with “I’m in love with someone else.” AAAAGGGHHHH! HEARTBREAK! POOR CHRIS!!!

This is NOT the time to discuss the details of last night with Roberto! GEEEZ!!!

She rubs it in even further and talks about tonight with Roberto in the fantasy suite!

Chris is visibly crushed and tells her that he appreciates her telling him now instead of leading him on further. Although, let’s be honest – she’s wanted to nail Roberto from day one. Get in line girl. Get in line.

OMG. And then Chris is all “Good luck tomorrow – find out if he loves you – you have an amazing quality”. What?! This guy is an angel! I would’ve already flipped over every table in sight and then set fire to the place. But this guy? Classy.

So they bid each other farewell and there’s many, many tears and slow-walk-away dramatic moments. Ali says that it’s especially hard to hurt Chris after all that he’s been through but she doesn’t want to hurt him any more by making him wait until the finale. What about how long the rest of us have waited, huh?! WHAT ABOUT US?!! NO ONE CARES!! BWAAAAAAHHH!!! (SMACK! SMACK!) Ok. I pulled myself together. Back to Chris…

“I forgot to get the @#%! bracelet back!!! SONUVA!!!”

Chris is completely optimistic and then sees a rainbow and thinks of his mom and knows it’s gonna be OK. Ummm – this guy is amazing. Ladies – if you’re single – I would hunt him down POST HASTE!

Commercial break!

KY commercial…

I just threw up.

And now from “Target”…

“…just like gays. Aim wisely.”

And from “SeaWorld”…

Girl flying out of what looks like bloody water. I’m not sure this is the best visual to be coming from SeaWorld.

And we’re back!

Ali now reveals that she’s completely in love with Roberto! WOW. It seems like she’s been feeling this way for quite some time. Meanwhile, Roberto is PICKING OUT A RING! WHAAAAAAT! Crazy! Do they always do this!? This shit is NUTS! I’m so glad it’s legal for a straight couple to do this over the course of 2 months on a reality show but it’s not for two gays that have been together for years. I’M JUST SAYING! AND ONE MORE THING – THEY HAVE SOME NERVE—

HELLOOOO! Wait. What was I saying? Oh fuck it.

Roberto says that if he’s not “feeling it” then he’s not going to propose! Holy shit! I hope the producers prompted him to say that and he’s not going on a whim with this shit. PULL IT TOGETHER MAN!

<TRIP> “AHHHHH!!!” <THWAP> = Comedy Gold

Miami Vice: Tahitian Style (I’d love to interview the poor PA that got to tie those fucking palm fronds to the boat.)

Ali awaits her prince and tells us how much she loves Roberto and hopes that he loves her back because “he’s the only one she has left”. Ahhhhh romance!

Commercial break!

The new Toyota Sienna…

For those of you with ADD children that you refuse to teach how to share.

How many of you plan on getting the new McDonald’s fruit smoothies and enjoying them in a white room with giant white balls with two guys playing the violin? Anyone? Don’t forget the white toilet you’ll need for when you shit your brains out. I’m loving it!

I highly doubt there’s any fucking way he’s getting service in the jungle. Unless he has AT&T, in which case there’s NO fucking way he’s getting any service ANYWHERE.

And we’re back!

Is Ali getting proposed to or arrested? Or whacked?!

And then finally…

This is it! PAYOFF!!! How great would it be if Frank came up the stairs behind him and was like, “Heeeeey Ali – just kinda thought – we could work things out – waaaaaaaahhhh….”

So after a mild-heart-attack-inducing moment where Roberto pauses before saying he’s truly deeply in love with Ali, she tells him that he’s the only guy there and he counters with “I want to grow old and have a beautiful family with you!” WOW! They’re really going all out! Is it normally this romantic? I don’t want to gush – but these two actually seem like they’re in love! Could it be?!

He has small fingers. I’m over it.

And she says “YES!” There you have it folks! A fairy-tale ending between Roberto and Ali! I hate to say it (really it kills me) but I said it ALL ALONG! WIN FOR BBITZ! WIN FOR ALI AND ROBERTO! WIN FOR LOVE!!! WIN FOR HUMANITY!!! IT’S 6AM AND I’M DELIRIOUS! WOO WOO!

It was a great journey with you all. And by that I mean I’m glad we could all bond and bitch while watching the slo-mo train wreck that was this show. I wish Ali and Roberto the best and truly hope they don’t go all “Jake and Vienna” on us. Because then I’ll feel like all these hours were for nothing. And I’ll probably hunt them down and kill them. Unless of course Kasey beats me to it.

Let me know what you all thought of the finale, the season, the recaps – love hearing from you all – come on and DISH IT!