The Bachelorette: Clam Fingering Fun!

Welcome back everyone! We’ve made it to the final leg! The big escape to Tahiti with the final 3 gents: Roberto, Chris and (ahem) Frank! Thanks to the ridiculously revealing previews we already know shit goes down with Frank, but let’s find out what really goes down – like if Ali lays waste to Tahiti and sends him back to Chicago in a duffle bag. Can’t wait!

First we start off with Chris, who admits that he’s falling in love with Ali. UGH. Heart-breaking! He’s such a good guy and I feel like he’s gonna get his heart crushed. He’ll be locking himself up in that tower in his driveway soon enough.

Uhhhh… and has he been trapped in a tanning bed since he left Ali or what?! He does look hotter though.

Next up, we have Roberto packing for his big trip. I wish I was helping him pack. Speedos…check. Oil…check. Camera…check. Ok – that’s about it – off we go!

Ok fine, you can bring Broadway musicals to sing along to as well! Awww… so gay.

Roberto’s excited that his family approves of Ali and decides to relax in deep thought to think about Ali and how there’s a cameraman awkwardly standing over him.

Ok you can bring your balls to play with too but that’s IT, mister! Oh you!

Now it’s time for Frank’s intro. He whines that he can see Ali and him getting married one day… but there’s “something” holding him back. Hmmm – is it the lack to commit to anything including a job, career and/or place to live on your own?! Yes?!

“Every emotion I’m felling right now…is..sooo…IMPORTANT.” He’s like that obnoxious bitch from Twilight. Yeah – I said it.

Frank reveals that he has an ex-girlfriend named Nicole that Ali doesn’t know about. Gee – hours before you’re suppose to leave for Tahiti you’re having these thoughts? Hmmm – it’s almost like getting a free trip to Tahiti makes it not worth mentioning this to Ali sooner rather than later.

So Frank tells us that he’s decided to find Nicole at the last moment to meet with her and decide if he wants to be with her. First of all, OBVIOUSLY he’s not just going to stop by unannounced and uninvited. Secondly, that means he must have already called and told her what’s going on. Thirdly, that means he obviously already told her he’s picking her – it’s not like she’s going to say “Yeah come on over and officially dump me on TV!” I CALL BULL SHIT!!!!! And most importantly – we ALL KNOW Frank doesn’t have the balls to go over and talk to his Ex without already knowing she’ll take him back!

“Guess which hand my balls are in?! NEITHER!!! I don’t have balls! FOOLED YOU!”

Nicole answers the door with a “Whaaaaat is going on?” and a dopey smile. Ugh. Read from the script why don’t ya. This has to be the rock bottom point of this season. I mean – it’s worse than the phone call from Justin’s girlfriend. And I hurled a brick (of cheese) at my TV during that episode.

Frank says this is the most difficult decision because he knows someone is going to get hurt. You know what would’ve been a better decision? Not going on “The Bachelorette” when you still had feelings for your ex, you fucking tool box.

Frank goes on to tell Nicole that he’s “fought” (see: whined about) other guys for Ali and that Ali and he had “an amazing thing” right from the start. He says that Ali is a great girl and that they’ve had an awesome relationship. ARE THESE PEOPLE FOR REAL?! You went on a couple of dates (some of them WITH other guys) and this constitutes a RELATIONSHIP?! And after all of this circus that was the last couple of weeks you were going to ask her to MARRY YOU?!!? I’m so glad that gay marriage is legal in every state this shit is aired in. Otherwise I just might totally become unhinged and LOSE MY SHIT. Oh… wait….

This is what’s left of where i was sitting right after I wrote that.

Ok. I vented. I’m a little bit better now. I just have to remember that these people all get what they have coming to them. Nicole says she’s thought about Frank everyday and can’t get him out of her head. Case in point.

She says it’s so heartbreaking that her hands are “shaking”. You, my dear girl, are a moron.

“It’s shake and baked and I haaaalped!”

Frank then whines to her that he wants to see if there’s still a spark. She says without him she’s “sick” and that he “completes her”. Now I’m sick. THESE TWO ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. Why the hell did they break up in the first place? She tells him he needs to come home. He smiles. He now has someone that is completely co-dependent on him. She looks like Ashlee Simpson and Frank has the talent of Ashlee Simpson. Match made in heaven. The end.

Now Frank says he’s off to go tell Ali what he’s decided. Oh yeah. Don’t call her. Make sure you make that agonizing trip to TAHITI to tell her. Besides, it was only after those trips across Europe that you decided you had to make this decision. Don’t wanna break the trend now.

We’re off to Tahiti now and we find Ali arriving to her love suites…

I hope those are sound proof because otherwise the next morning with the other guys is going to be REEEEEEEEALLY AWKWARD!

Ali announces that the ‘”over-nights” are this week. WHAAAAAT?? For those of you who don’t know – this means she’ll be spending the night with the boys. SCANDALOUS! I hope one of the dates is a double date. Like one between her, Chris and Roberto. Ali optional. Just saying.

What’s next? Seashell bikini tops? Take it down a notch Ariel.

Roberto arrives and is all tan and sweating like crazy already. Why did I ever wonder why my girlfriends are obsessed with this show?!? Anyways, he’s excited to see Ali – especially because he’s officially falling for her.

Ali marvels at Roberto’s place – like she doesn’t have one of her own.

Does anyone ever wonder how the toilets in these things work? Is it just a toilet that drops right out into the water?

What’s all the black shit in the water? Is BP vacationing here too?

Ali takes Roberto to… wait for it… A HELICOPTER! That girl has more hours logged in a helicopter then all the villains in action movies combined. And they’re off to “Tupai” – another island in Tahiti.

Which looks like the doctor’s office drawing of lady parts that I used to stare at and think, “Whhhaaaa…?”

Oh… apparently it’s in the shape of a heart, according to Roberto. That too. They land and have a picnic on their own little private island. They’re both excited because it’s completely deserted and it’s all theirs.

And then these assholes come floating up and ruin their date by telling them they’re in purgatory.

Oh Ali, she’s always so restrained and prudish.

So these two come close to doing it in the water (or maybe they did – apparently ABC can’t afford underwater cameras – FAIL) and then meet up for dinner later that night.

Uhhh… this looks suspiciously like Tribal Council. OMG. Roberto! If Jeff Probst shows up – RUN!

Ali tells Roberto today was “the best”, especially because it was a “heart-shaped island”. Really?! I guess this thing’s the 8th wonder of the world for these two. They must totally lose their mind when they come across potato chips in the shape of hearts or faces of Jesus.

Roberto freaks Ali out by starting off a sentence, “There’s been something on my mind…”

You’ll wanna save this look of shock/dismay for a little while longer. Frank’s been held up in Chicago but he’s on his way.

Roberto tells Ali that it’s good news and that HE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER! AHHH GEEEEZ!!!! Pobre bastardo. Who wants to start a Facebook page, “If Ali Doesn’t Choose Roberto She Should Be Committed”?

Ali then hands Roberto an envelope from Host Chris. OMG! It’s gonna be a letter that says, “Dear Roberto, YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA! FOOOOOOLED YOU!!!” That’d be fun, huh?

Instead it’s a ROOM KEY!!! WHA WHAAAAT! HOST CHRIS WANTS TO @!$#%!!! ROBERTO!!! GET IN LINE ASSHOLE!!! I MEAN YOU’VE GOT SOME NERVE AND— Oh. Wait it minute. It’s for the Fantasy Suite for Ali and Roberto. Ohhhh!!!! Oh…. Ummm…. EW.

So Roberto decides to take Host Chris’ proposition and join Ali in the suite! Wait – I don’ t get how this works! Is he gonna nail her?! And then is Chris gonna nail her?! And then Frank!? EW! How can they all be OK with this?! I hope after this all happens Host Chris delivers a card that says, “We poked a whole in one of the condoms! You’ll know which one in 9 months when you’re kid comes out as tan, white or douchey.

Roberto and Ali then wade through the water to their beautiful suite. The camera hangs around a little too long and it feels SO uncomfortable watching this…

Especially with the crew talking in the background.

Finally they leave the two in peace to enjoy the greatest night of their lives OR make the biggest mistake ever. We’ll find out which one it was at the finale I guess.

Now we’re on to sweet Chris! Ali’s super excited to see him!

So much so that she’s busting out! Literally.

They race down a long dock towards each other and make out. Ali then reveals that they’re taking a giant catamaran out for the day. Roberto got a beach and Chris gets a mini-yacht?! WTF? She’s racist.

The two of them relax on the boat and talk about how awesome Chris’ family is. Chris said that they all loved Ali.

Chris says he hasn’t dated much in the last few years but he’s so excited to have Ali and open up to her because she’s AMAZING. Ali says she likes Chris’ giggle. Yikes.

Can you believe no one on the crew thought to yell “SHARK!!!!!” at this moment? It’s like none of them know how to make good television.

WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE UNDERWATER CAM WHEN ROBERTO WAS SWIMMING?! Ugh. USELESS.

After they make out in the water for what seems like 4-5 hours they then find some giant clams on shore.

Ew. I’m sure you’ll get a chance to scare him with your clam in the Fantasy Suite.

I have a feeling he’ll have the same reactions to hers too.

After finding a pearl in one of them, Chris and Ali go about ripping through a bunch (did anyone else hear the screams of the clams/oysters/whatever as they shredded them!?). These were TOTALLY placed here by the crew. There’s no FRIGGIN way there’s just oysters with pearls laying around on the beach. LIES I TELL YOU!

It’s now dinner time on a secluded little island that you have to walk through the water to.

Not a chance in hell I’m walking through dark water in the middle of nowhere. No matter how many “clams” are waiting for me on the other side.

Their dinner is buried in the sand under banana leaves and they have a cute little picnic together. I’d assume that would be delicious and/or give them horrific dysentery. Fantasty Suite should be fun! Ya better hope the toilet doesn’t drain into the water you have to walk through!

Speaking of the suite – Host Chris drops an envelope off for Chris too! I hope the note says, “Chris – She’s used goods. If your’e cool with sloppy seconds and the equivalent of Roberto spitting in your mouth – by all means ENJOY! xo, Host Chris!”

But no – it’s another key! Ali says she “wants to get to know Chris further”. Yeah. Biblically.

Poor, sweet bastard.

So the two take off for the Fantasy Suite and Chris is stoked when he sees it.

I would’ve died laughing if Roberto’s baseball hat was left on the nightstand. Or better yet a used Magnum.

Ali tells Chris that she’s never, EVER wanted to go back to Massachusetts but she’d do it for him. Awww empty promises! Yeah for love!

She’s not talking about the bedroom.

The scene closes on romantic night #2 for Ali. Wow. Good thing Frank is on her way to dump her. Otherwise the poor thing would be sore.

Speaking of… heeeeeere comes Frankie! INCOMING!!!!! Gross. He looks like he’s aged 20 years since the beginning of the show. Frank says that first HE wants to talk to Host Chris to get an opinion of what to do and how to talk to Ali. LIES!!!! I’m SURE it was Frank’s idea to do an interview first!!! How fucking stupid to these producers think we are exactly?!

Best advice-giver ever!

So Frank tells Host Chris the whole sob story about Nicole and loving her and they love each other and blah blah I just lost what seems like hours of my life. Host Chris says he’s blown away. Yeah. I’m sure you had no idea this was coming. Emmy-winning performance we have going on here.

Host Chris tells Frank that she’s crazy about him! Hahahaha – lay it on thick Host Chris! He then tells Frank that the date’s in an hour and asks what he’s going to do. I’m SHOCKED Frank doesn’t say, “I was wondering if you could pass her a note for me. And is there a bar on the island? BYEEEEEE!” Instead he just sits there and cries because I think he just realized he’s a douche.

Time for the date! Yeah! Ali’s sooooo excited! She’s all happy and smiling on the way to Frank’s hut. I wonder if she’s thinking, “How come everyone on the crew is laughing and snickering?! Oh yeah! Frank must have a surprise for me!”

Ali arrives to the hut and is all “HIIIIII!!!!!” and 3 seconds later looks like an ogre ate her puppy when Frank says, “We need to talk.” Frank starts breaking the news to her that he really, really likes her but not as much as his ex. OUCH. As much as I tease Ali it’s kind of heartbreaking watching her get screwed over by a douchebag. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time a guy’s dicked her over. And I’m not talking about the Fantasy Suite. (OH!!! BUUUUURN!!! – Ok sorry. Let’s be serious here folks. Come on!)

Ali cries, “If you were having these feelings all along why didn’t you say something?!” Frank had the chance to redeem himself with a…

“Uhhhh I kinda wanted to go to Portugal, Istanbul and Tahiti. Can’t you just appreciate that I suffered through Iceland for you? SELFISH!” but instead he just stutters and shits himself.

Ali says she can’t believe this. How many people screamed, “WE DID!!!” at their TV? Ugh. She should have have been like, “Oh… OK. Thanks for being a douchebag BEFORE you popped the question. BTW we’re not paying for your flight back.” (SLAP) “Peace out – best of luck with living at home and working at Marshalls.” and walked off!

Best line: Ali: “I gave up everything to be here!” Frank: “Me too!” Ali: “APPARENTLY NOT EVERYTHING.” ZING! You tell him girl! And then she cries and throws her slippers and screams, “FUCK!” Oh well. Two steps forward, one step back. It would’ve been great if she screamed, “NOW I HAVE TO DO YET ANOTHER @$#*! INTERVIEW WITH HOST CHRIS!!! MOTHER@#%!%!!!” Instead she cries, hugs him and leaves.

Classy guy!

So they both go their separate ways and cry their eyes out. Host Chris appears and lets Ali vent about what an asswipe Frank is. Let it out girl! Meanwhile, Frank packs up and leaves…

I bet that’s a lot lighter now without your decency and general respect for others weighing you down.

Ali tells Host Chris that there’s a part of her that hopes Frank will stay. ALI!!! Stop being a high-school girl and get a grip! DROP THE DUD AND GO PICK OUT ONE OF TWO AMAZING STUDS! SHIT!!!

Maybe spend some time with the hair and make-up girls too. Just saying. Roberto and Chris are sweet but not blind.

Ali completes her breakdown with a little more ranting, raving and crying. Poor thing’s a mess. You know what might help? Fantasy Suite with Roberto and/or Chris!!! It’d sure help me.

If she goes into a rage and hurls Frank’s photo in the water it’d be the best moment of the season.

Ali then has (yet another friggin) interview with Host Chris and says she feels so confused that she liked Frank and then he screwed her and now she doesn’t know if she can trust her own decisions. She says she’s found inspiration in a quote her friend sent her to Tahiti with: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” WHY THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE GIVE HER THAT QUOTE TO GO ON WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A ROMANTIC GET-AWAY WITH HOT GUYS?! She was going to Tahiti not Mind Fuck University. Luckily she did though. Go figure.

Chris says it’s important they still have a rose ceremony (because they have ad space to sell and a 2 hour episode to fill). Ali’s glad because she wants to give the boys a chance to reaffirm back to her that they ACCEPT the rose (and don’t possibly have an ex-girlfriend that they’d like to fall in love with before next week’s episode).

Rose Ceremony! The boys wait around and Ali finally arrives and tells the boys about Frank-hole. She says, “Frank had things to take care of at home so he’s not here.” I love how she says it like he could be dying of some awful penis disease or whatever.

Ali then gives out the 2 roses (wanna guess who gets them?!!) and both Chris and Roberto accept! Yeah! Most uplifting rose ceremony yet! And now they’re off to Bora Bora! “Here’s to Frank’s penis disease!” CHEERS!