The Bachelorette: Date Night of the Living Dead

Welcome back everyone! We’re getting close! This is the big “home” episode where Ali gets to not only lead on the boys, but their entire families as well! So let’s get into it! This poor girl has a lot of mind-fucking ahead of her! We begin with Ali back in LA. She’s excited that she’s been “all around the world”. Portugal, Turkey and Iceland apparently represent the whole world. “The Bachelorette” is like the shitty Epcot of reality TV.

Ali’s off to see Roberto first! At least that’s what I’m guessing since we’re seeing photos of Tampa and they’re blasting the Miami Sound Machine like a musical mallet over our heads. “GET IT?! WE’RE NEAR MEEEE-AHHH-MEEEE NOW! OYE! HEAR THE MUSIC?!?!” Yikes. I guess it’s their best shot at making Tampa seem interesting.

So Ali arrives to a more-handsome-than-ever Roberto. Tampa actually looks quite nice. Apparently there’s more than Busch Gardens there. Well, actually now that Ali’s there, Roberto gets to explore his own Bush Garden.

Roberto tells Ali to show up in shorts and be ready to get active. I hope he’s taking her to a step class at the Y with a bunch of Grandma’s. Instead he takes her to his ol’ baseball field and gives her his jersey.

This marks the first time in “Bachelorette” history that someone’s told her to put clothes ON.

So Roberto is looking ridic hot of course…

Is it wrong that I’m jealous of that glove?

Roberto then gives Ali pointers on how to hit a ball…

Well… I can name one pointer he’s giving her.

Oh Jesus. I’m sure the Mets will sign her any day now.

And oh look! Ty’s heart made a guest appearance!

Soon the lovebirds settle down midfield to enjoy the three things that make any picnic delicious…

Wine, Cheese and Roberto. The last one will help burn off the calories from the first two.

So Roberto gives Ali a baseball card and impresses her with it. I’d love to see Weatherman try to do that!

“It might be sunny outside, but it’s always raining on my face!”

Ali asks Roberto if he’s nervous about anything. I thought for sure he’d say “getting deported while visiting the Grand Canyon” but instead he says he’s not and looks forward to her meeting his family. Although he’s nervous his mother’s going to call him “Gordito” in front of her. OMG. They nick-named him after a Taco Bell menu item. He’s truly my soulmate, folks.

So later that night Ali and Roberto walk in on his family…

Was anyone else expecting/hoping they’d be dancing around a sombrero and firing shots in the air? Not because they wanted to but because the producers were forcing them to.

For some reason the mother and sister are both named Olga. Well color me racist – I did not see those names coming. To be honest, I didn’t see anything other than Maria coming.

CHICKEN PARM?! WTF PEOPLE?! Do stereotypes even flourish in America anymore?! Where’s the platanos?!

Best way to make a great impression? Roberto Sr asks Ali if she’s ever been to Tampa and she replies, “Uhhh I’ve driven through…” She might as well have added “…at about 80mph with the windows up and the doors locked. I don’t enjoy being car-jacked.”

OMG. Roberto’s mom is so sweet. I can’t wait to spend time with her on family vacations and talk about how glad we are Roberto picked me in the end. OK! SORRY! I’M JUST SAYING!!!

In the middle of dinner the boys then get up to have the “man chat” in the backyard over beers. I’d be so pissed if I had made that chicken parm. “It’s getting COLD! You’re RUINING my dinner!” Roberto’s Dad tells Roberto that he’s a prize and he just wants to make sure Ali knows that and will make Roberto happy. So, in an effort to intimidate Ali with Roberto’s awesomeness, his dad shows her the trophy room…

Question: Did Roberto’s parents put the cheesy trophy-illuminating light behind the trophys – or did the producers?! Discuss!

Roberto Sr asks Ali questions about her future because he’s clearly worried she’s gonna take Roberto off the path to greatness that every father thinks their son is on. Except in this case he’s probably right.

And did anyone else think he sounded exactly like Squiggy?!

Roberto then talks with his Mom about Ali. He tells her the most important part is the feeling he gets when he sees Ali. Ewwwww! Way to talk about boners with your Mom, dude. Anyways, she still gives him the blessing to marry her.

Then Roberto and his Dad have ANOTHER talk. How they’re ignoring the world’s ugliest comforter and headboard combo is beyond me.

Roberto Sr tells him that Roberto has his blessing. Which is fantastic but more importantly – whose bedroom is this?! It’s horrid! Do they make guests sleep there?! ALI?! RUUUUNNNN!!!!!

Roberto’s family then has a little fiesta and his parents dance. It’s actually really cute.

Even though his mother’s dress is like a moving Picasso painting. Cute though.

Ali says that things have definitely gone well and she loves Roberto’s family. Well I’m sold. Choose him and let’s wrap this shit up! But I digress…

Up next – Chris in Cape CAAAAAAHD! Chris is playing on the beach in the pouring rain when Ali appears. His dog goes tear-assing towards her.

Was anyone else hoping the dog would maul her a little bit? Just for some excitement?

“AHHH MY HAND! THE !@$%! THING HAS MY HAND!!! KILL IT!!! AHHH!!!” Priceless.

Chris says Ali is amazing and totally gets a boner while she plays with his dog. He then points out to Ali that there are whales mating out in the ocean… having whale sex. Nice innuendo. Way to set her up for disappointment when it comes to the big reveal of your junk.

Chris brings Ali back to his house and it totally looks classic New England. They get right to the photos of his Mom which is really sad. Poor guy. Although it would’ve been a little funny if they rigged a speaker behind the photos to say, “Alllllliiiii, this is Chris’ mother, just wanted to say… YOU’RE A WICKED WHOOORREEE!!! GET OOOOOUT!!!”

Ali and Chris then take time out to play house while sitting on the porch. At one point Chris says he needs a beer and Ali jokes that there’s one in her purse. It’s cute that she thinks anyone would be surprised if she did that.

The two then prepare for the arrival of Chris’ family. Ali’s nervous but once they arrive his Dad seems like the nicest guy ever. Then come the brothers and the sisters-in-law. The girls look like they might cut Ali. Her method of defense? WINE!!!!

HAHAHAHA… if it’s not broke – don’t fix it! With any luck she roofied it.

The girls immediately pick up on Ali’s bracelet that Chris gave her. The “family one”. You can just see their eyes light up like a kill switch. I love women.

“Oh… so how far were your legs behind your head when he gave you that? Just wondering.”

I like these girls. They’re gonna cut through BS with a machete. His brother asks what attracted Ali to him. Ali clearly has no sense of humor. She totally should’ve said “He’s got a big dick and I think I could keep him under my thumb. Also I think I could end up with most of your Mom’s jewelry.” with a straight face. It’s like she knows nothing about comedy. Instead she talks about their “Massachusett’s connection”. BOOORRRRING! And I thought she was from Miami. Was she an army brat or something?

Chris’ Dad then tells Ali the story of how he met his wife. It’s really sweet. The best part is that he says it like, “Isn’t that sooooo much sweeter than, ‘I met her on a horrible reality show.’?!”

Ali then takes some time to get to know his dad. He likes that she seems to keep family a priority and says that the most important thing to him is that his sons are married off and happy with kids. Awww… he’s totally “caring Dad” meets “Jewish mother”.

“And would it kill you to call me? I’ve got a goiter the size of a matzo ball! Who cares? So what?!”

Back to Chris and the girls, they’re saying they like Ali BUT they’re well aware it’s a competition and there’s other guys involved. They don’t want him to get hurt.

“So I’m going to plant an explosive about this big in her purse and if she doesn’t choose you… MUTHA FECKIN BOOOOOM!!!”

The girls then corner him outside on the porch and Chris just keeps beaming about how great Ali is. Oy. This boy’s heart is going to be BROKEN if she doesn’t choose him. Meanwhile his father tells Ali that he wishes his wife was there to meet her. And say, “Bitch I will CUT you if you hurt my baby!” Luckily she’ll be able to go all Obi Wan Kenobi on Ali’s ass if she gets out of line.

Chris’ Dad then pulls the heart strings and asks Chris what his Mom would think of Ali. Chris thinks she would love her and they get all sweet and sentimental. AWWW. I wanna marry into this family. It’s kind of ridiculous. So far Ali’s got two incredible choices in front of her. If she fucks this up I hope Kasey runs into her in a dark alley.

His Dad adds that Chris is really important because he’s the first born. Awwww (cue self-inficted gunshots of his brothers in the background).

Soon it’s time for them to go and everyone wishes them farewell…

“Come back soooon… or tick tick booooom! What? Oh never mind. You’ll seeee…”

Before they leave, Chris takes Ali to a random tower in his backyard. Where the hell did this thing come from?!

Of course there’s booze there. Of course. Do you think there’s a high rate of break-ups after these shows because they finally sober up after 3 months of being sauced?

They then make out like crazy up in the tower like the serfs and wenches of centuries past have.

“I can see my house from here! No seriously.”

I mean, some people have gates but these people must have had guards with pots of boiling oil or something. Way to keep it real. I’m jealous.

Next up, Kirk in Wisconsin!

It would’ve been awesome if she saw this when she got out of the car and got right back in and left. I would’ve.

Kirk’s excited for Ali to meet his family. It’s cute that he says, “You’re in my city!” Awww… one stop light doesn’t count as a city. They’re off to two different houses because his parents are divorced. OMG!!! FINALLY some drama! Let’s play a drinking game! Drink every time Kirk’s Dad says, “So did you meet his WHORE of a mother yet?!?” and cries!

OH! Well then. In that case, I’d get the names wrong on purpose.

They’re off to Dad’s place first. He’s got a new wife and a daughter. Kirk is worried because his father hasn’t ever spent time with a girl he’s dated (plenty of boys though). Awww – I wouldn’t panic, Kirk, I’m sure he’ll be fine and—

Said in the creepiest voice ever: “Hey Ali, You wanna see my basement?” PAAAAANIC!!!!!!

So Ali goes off to be murdered? gutted? thrown in a well and have her skin used as a coat? while Kirk stays behind. Oh – no worries – he’s just showing her…

What it’d look like if every Disney movie ended in tragic bloodshed.

This face = Kirk don’t bother asking “Why?” if you don’t get a rose.

Apparently Kirk’s Dad is a taxidermist and, in his words, he “brings animals back to life”. He sure does!

It even looks like they’re still talking!

What sick bastard brings a rabbit “back to life” only to have him get killed again? I’d be pissed.

His “Piece de Resistance”… a caribou foot with googly eyes. Speechless.

But it only gets better! He takes her to his freezer! I thought for sure this is where the dead hooker would be but – no – just frozen animal parts next to the popsicles and other frozen treats. Don’t ask why the Mickey Mouse Bars actually taste like mouse.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Kirk and his step-mom chat about love. Kirk’s step-mom dryly says, “Your father said he used his brain, not his heart, when he chose me.” OUCH. Hopefully that means she’s loaded or maybe she already had a walk-in freezer built in her house.

There’s a smart lil’ girl.

Ali asks Kirk’s Dad about Kirk’s previous girlfriends and he basically says he’s never met any. He says it’s because Kirk says they’ve never been special enough. I say it’s because they didn’t have a penis enough.

So Kirk then gets a debriefing from his Dad about what happened downstairs. I was waiting for him to say, “Mostly it was a lot of screaming but once I stuffed and mounted her she looked great.” but unfortunately he just says she’s sweet and he likes her. He does give him good advice though that they need to be compatible – unlike him and Kirk’s Mom. I’m gonna guess she’s a member of PETA.

I love how we’re suppose to believe this scene is in that house. If they’re any candles in that house it’s because the skull saw blew out the power and they need light so they can see where the caribou’s foot went flying.

All in all it seems to have gone well with Kirk’s family (Part 1)…

Ok so not everyone is a fan.

Time for Part 2 – Mom’s house! As long as her house isn’t filled with any dead animals that are “brought back to life” she should be fine!

I may have spoken too soon.

It’s a total girl’s club at Mom’s. Gram is there along with Kirk’s sister. Kirk’s Mom has braces. Ugh. I feel like braces should be cut off to people over 30. Over 25 really. I mean, if you’re boobs are down to your stomach and your va-jay-jay looks like a wizard’s sleeve (props Borat) maybe you don’t have to worry so much about slightly crooked teeth. Besides, it’s much easier just to walk around with a British accent and pull it off that way.

Apparently Cheesy Potatoes are on the dinner table (Grandma almost cuts someone when they don’t pass them fast enough) and I just have to say, could there be anything better in the world than cheesy potatoes? NO. You can eat them, inhale them, bathe in them. I’d do just about anything in cheesy potatoes. Also, how happy must Ali be that she didn’t have to eat dinner at the Dad’s house?!

BTW his sister’s pretty but I think someone miiiight have gone to Glamour Shots when she knew she was gonna be on “The Bachelorette”.

While Kirk and his sister chat about Ali, she’s inside talking to Mom. She says she has a special story but first puts her wine down – and then makes Ali do the same…

WRONG! First rule of “Bachelorette Club”: No one talks about putting booze down!

Kirk’s Mom takes out one of those now cliched “Live Strong” bracelets and talks about when Kirk was sick. She helped him get better and is so proud of how strong he is.

And I’m guessing to thank her, he bought his mother a Bumpit.

His Mom starts crying and saying that she can see how happy Kirk is with Ali. Ali says that she can see Kirk has a great support group. Uh oh. And WHY would he need that, Ali? Is there bad news coming?! GET DOWN!!! INCOMING!!!!

Kirk feels like things went really well with Ali. I feel like she’s being nice and there’s no way in hell she’s moving to the cheddar state and visiting her father-in-law’s animal mortuary every weekend.

And finally… Ali’s off to visit Frank in his hometown of Chi-caaaaahgo! Frank’s psyched that he’s back on his home turf. Especially because it means he no longer has to do his own laundry.

Frank tells Ali that the best way to see the city is by boat. I’m just happy it’s not a fucking helicopter for the umpteenth million time.

She literally starts clapping and jumping when she gets another boat to blow its horn. I have a feeling this is how she reacts every time she gets to blow something.

Ali says the great thing about Frank is that he’s at the point in his life where he can get up and go do anything. Ahhhh – the benefits of no career and living at home are really endless aren’t they?! He’s a catch! Ali also mentions that she’s nervous about meeting her “possible future in-laws” and Frank laughs awkwardly like, “Hahahaha… as if…maybe…so it’s sunny out today, huh?”

I wonder if any of these people know what each other’s breath smells like without the stench of booze.

Frank tells Ali that he’s really worried because this is so important to him. And it really bothers him that she could cut him off at any moment. Ali says, “Well just think that everything will work out perfectly!” Yeah! Totally set yourself up for TOTAL devastation and embarrassment! Think of the ratings Frank! Damn it! I need you to properly destroy your life so I can have something to look forward to watching at the end of the day!

Soon they’re arriving at Frank’s house and meeting his parents and sister and her hubby. The sister’s knocked up. If that baby comes out with glasses and worries like a tween girl watching an American Idol results show – you know there might be some incest going on.

Ali tells the family that she saved the best for last. REALLY?! I hope she’s lying. Then Frank’s mother asks Ali if she’d mind going outside with her. AWKWARD! Fast forward 10 minutes to where Frank walks outside to see Mom putting the last few shovels of dirt on a newly made grave. “She saved my baby ’til LAST!!!”

Frank’s mother asks Ali if Frank could be the right person for her and she immediately replies, “YES!” WHAAA?!!? She REALLY likes him! Good lord!

Meanwhile, back at the family dojo…

Frank tells his sis and bro-in-law that Ali and him have had a strong connection since day one. However, he’s worried (surprise!) that this might be “another” one of those things were it’s a great relationship but doesn’t work in the long term. Good GOD! This guy carries more baggage than a 747.

Frank’s sister is happy for him but decides to step outside and give Ali a little shake-down of her own. She tells Ali that Frank is super emotional and gets scared easily. Yikes. Don’t sugarcoat it or anything. I’m waiting for her to add, “He’s also hates PDA… and sharing… and honesty… and I’m having his baby.”

Meanwhile, Dad and Frank are chatting and of course his Dad loves Ali. He says she’s smart, etc and seems like “a lot of fun“. Awww. Dad-speak for “Prositituion WHORE!!!” But he’s excited for Frank never-the-less. And Frank says that he feels tonight sealed the deal – Ali’s the one for him. Ali likes his family too. Especially because they don’t have the ensemble of “Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs” stuffed in their basement.

RIP Bitches. See ya next to the Klondike Bars.

Ali finishes the visit by saying there’s a really good chance her and Frank will end up together. Clearly she doesn’t watch the previews of this show.

Time for the rose ceremony!

She knows she’s suppose to hand out the roses and not sew them to her boobs right?

Host Chris sits Ali down and asks her all about her hometown visits. We get to see flashbacks of the trips. We need them. Because it only happened an hour and a half ago and clearly we’re fucking mindless if we’re watching this show. Thanks producers!

Host Chris sits there and listens to Ali babble on. How he didn’t say, “How about that crazy mother@!$%! and the animals?!!” is a mystery to me. Get with it Harrison!

Host Chris puts Ali on the spot (again) and asks her if she’s ready to marry one of the guys. She actually says that she likes several (ho) of the guys more than she liked Jake on the “Bachelor”. Well DUH!!! Now that we know what a douche-nozzle he is. You got lucky Ali!

Back with the boys – they’re all in suits and looking dapper. Soon Ali comes in with super-sad-pouty face and tells the boys that this decision has nothing to do with their familes – or the fact that one of them is the actual hunter that shot Bambi. She says she REALLY doesn’t want to do this. Tough shit – we’ve all been sitting here waiting for 2 hours for this – spit it out and break a heart already!

The roses begin…first rose is….ROBERTO! (WHEW! Claro que si!)… CHRIS! (Awww – if he was on “Captain Planet” his special power would be Heart.) and… FRANK!!! OHHHHHH!! Poor Kirk! What the hell is his family gonna do with all the ‘coon meat they were thawing for the wedding!

“I should’ve had her stuffed and frozen while I had the chance.”

Ali and Kirk then take a farewell stroll to the bench outside. Ali says that it just has to do with whether they’re a good fit or not. For instance, their two vagina’s rubbing together is only going to cause a bush fire.

So Kirk drives away and is completely heart-broken. POOR GUY! I’m sure he’ll find a ton of Wisconsin hotties soon enough. If not, give me a call Kirk. We both know I’m your type. And I looooooooves Cheesy Potatoes!

Back inside, Ali tells the 3 boys that they’re going to Tahiti! GEEZ! If they ever do get married where the fuck are they going for their honeymoon?! Pandora?!

And that’s it folks! Hope you enjoyed the recap because this one was particularly excruciating. I mean – way to stretch out the same thing 4 times over 2 hours. If it wasn’t for the taxidermist I don’t think I could’ve made it. What’s everyone think?! Highs? Lows? Predictions?! I love hearing from you all!!! Come on and dish it!