The Bachelorette: Ghosts of Bachelor Past!

Welcome back everyone! Tonight we explore Lisbon! Contrary to popular belief, it is not home to Melissa Etheridge and Meredith Baxter, but now the new home of Ali and her crew of love-lost misfits. Why no Lisbians you ask? Because this show’s on ABC, not LOGO and it’s… “The Bachelorette“!

We begin with the boys walking the beautiful streets of Lisbon to meet up with Host Chris…

Does Host Chris have Swine Flu? Why the hell are they standing so far away?

Host Chris tells them that whoever makes it past this week, gets to take Ali home with them to meet their family. Can’t wait!

Host Chris also tells the boys that there will be 4 dates and no roses given out on the dates. It’s getting down to slim-pickings! The boys get back to the MANsuite to find that Roberto gets the first date – “Be the king of my castle” says the card. I would’ve loved to see the look on everyone’s face if a condom dropped out of the date card.

Frank’s pissed that Roberto is getting the one-on-one date so he practices the face Ali’s going to make when she finds out that he lives at home…

“I’m sorry… whaaaaaaaaa?”

Ali stops by the suite to visit the boys and then picks Roberto up. They go exploring around the city and decide to take photos of themselves…

Yeah… Roberto-love is universal. Ali’s gonna get cut.

Ali tells Roberto to jump for a photo and…

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Is there anything he can’t do?! H-O-T!

Oh. Ok well he can’t take action shots for shit. But he can do everything else I bet!

They then find a palace guard to harass…

“How do you feel about guarding and protecting my heart from a nutcase?”

This conversation was just as stimulating as her date with what’s-his-face from Orlando.

Hot latin men can piss wherever they want in Lisbon.

Later when they’re just walking down the street, Roberto hears a song playing and just decides to start dancing with Ali. Ugh. He’s so cute. I’m really waiting for him to be like, “I’m missing a penis, I have 6 wives and I may have given you crabs.” He’s just too perfect!

The happy couple then goes on a trolley ride around Lisbon. It really looks pretty.

Although these two aren’t looking around much so they could be in Tulsa for all they know.

Next date card has been delivered – and it’s a 2 on 1! Uh oh – who it gonna be?! It’s… Frank and Ty! Oh Christ. Stay tuned for Frank’s whining in 5…4…3…

Frank’s body language: “Wahhh… Dr. Chris, what do I do with my life?!”

Chris’ body language: “Suck it.”

Frank cries about how he’s mad that he has to share his time with Ty. If I were Ty I’d be pissed I had to talk over Frank’s wailing over just about everything at dinner.

Meanwhile, trouble begins to brew with the happy couple…

Ali and Roberto explore the castle as the sun sets and the orange hue of the sunset provides the only light in which Ali’s oompa-loompa-inspired skin looks normal. They enjoy a picnic and Ali makes Roberto a cracker with some cheese on it and says “This is the only thing I know how to make!”

Sure he’s perfect. But after that comment, he’s GOT to be thinking about throwing her down that staircase.

Instead he says it’s good. (Geeeez) Ali asks if he’s nervous about bringing her to his hometown if (yeah right) she chooses him. He says he’s totally not nervous at all. I would be. We all know this is going to be his mother’s reaction to Ali:

“PROSTITUTA!!!!!!”

Ali calls Roberto a mystery and says that she needs to figure him out. I’d say the only mystery is how the $#&*%! he’s managed to stay single for so long. Which might be why she’s so hesitant. I’d totally be waiting for the other shoe to drop if I was her. Well…if I was her I’d be waiting for his pants to drop first. Then we could go from there.

Roberto counters and says he’s never been with a girl as beautiful and smart as her. WHAAAAA?! Smart? He must really be scraping the bottom of whatever barrel he’s looking in.

Next up – the 2 on 1 date!

So does “The Bachelorette” just officially own it’s own helicopter?! There’s one in every friggin’ episode. Does Ali get frequent helicopter flying points or something?!

Ali says they’re going to use the helicopter to travel back in time. HOLY !@#% what kind of budget do they have?! Traveling back in time?!

I’ll save ya the trip. This is what these three were like 10 years ago.

And by “visiting the past” she meant “the afterlife”. WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

Ali flies them to an estate that a king gave to his queen. HINT HINT. Oh Ali. You drop hints like anvils. As the three go walking around the grounds, Ty spots a baby dear…

And suddenly a shot rang out…

Ali bitches about being on a date with 2 guys, Ty bitches about being on a date with 2 guys and Frank bitches about being on a date with 2 guys — THEN JUST DON’T FUCKING GO!!! SHIT! Driving me NUTS. No one goes on the “Price is Right” and bitches about having to spin the wheel! You wanted to be here – you knew the game – now STFU and get on with it! (aaaaaand deep breath)

Once the gruesome threesome sit down to dinner, Ali mentions that she feels “weird”. Can’t imagine why. Two guys, one girl, cameras – all this needs is a cup and a XXX rating and we got ourselves the weirdest ABC show ever aired.

So Ali decides that it’s best to stifle her feelings and order wine. LOL – that is the perfect explanation for any situation on this show. After they suffer through the first course, Ali decides to break the rules and head off with them separately. Either that or the producers saw this dinner train heading to Boresville.

So Frank bids farewell to Ali as Ty takes her away first…

We of the First Infantry of Douchey Douchness salute you! Bring her back showered! Or at least wiped down…

Ty and Ali head off to an alleyway (WTF?!) and have a heart to heart. Ty makes up for his past “LOL, a girl with a JOB?! WTF?!” comments and tells Ali that it “tickles” him that she’s a career woman. She thinks that’s sweet. Don’t you laugh when someone tickles you? Isn’t he saying that the thought of her in a career makes him LAUGH? Is he fucking with her and she’s just smiling like a dope?!

Back with the boys, Roberto snags the date card and announces the next date – Kirk! It reads, “Kirk, Once upon a time… Ali” Kirk’s upset it’s not a full sentence. I’m upset he expects Ali to write a complete sentence. With any luck this fairy tale takes place in a dark, old, musty, MOLDY castle. Aaaaaand scene!

Does Chris ever close his legs? He’s like Lindsay Lohan at a Indigo Girls concert.

Chris is upset he didn’t get the date but thinks his smiling face and funny demeanor will win her in the end. Awwww – that’s ALMOST as enticing as Roberto’s mind-blowing hotness and charm.

Ali finally goes and picks Frank up for his turn. Frank starts telling Ali about his family and how she’d love them. I hope so – because she’s about to learn that she may be sharing a toilet with all of them. He’s about to tell her! He tells her, “Well… something that’s brought my family closer together (LITERALLY)… is that I quit my job…(start running Ali!) and I live…”

You know she’s thinking, “Pllllleeeeeease say it’s a 3 bedroom condo on the upper east side!”

“… at home with my parents.” OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!! She’s gonna FREAK!!!

WHAT…THE…FUCK?!!? I hope failure tastes sweet Ali.

So apparently Ali doesn’t give a shit that Frank lives at home. Maybe she’s just psyched to get the top bunk. Who the fuck knows. I’ve all but given up now.

While they sit in a tree and kiss, Frank asks her if she’ll live in a tree with him. She laughs and says, “Yes!” Good – because you’ll have to climb down one when you want to leave the house past curfew. Then Ali says, “You’re everything I’ve wanted but everything I fear.” WTF does that mean?! Does she just say shit to sound good? And the only thing you should fear (sharing fridge space with his siblings) you’ve said you’re fine about! UGH!

A new day dawns in Portugal and Ali is on her fairytale date with Kirk. Kirk says he’s a little nervous about this week to Ali. Mostly because of her possibly meeting his family.

 

Is that a colostomy bag under his chair? Maybe that’s what he’s nervous to tell her.

A horse and buggy then pulls up for them to hop in. And off they go!

GOOD GOD! Is there any place they don’t drink!? I hope those outfits can be dry cleaned.

Kirk is over-the-moon about the horsey ride and is happy to be with Ali.

Then they get to visit this amazing castle! Although, PAINT JOB FAIL.

They get to relax at the castle and get all lovey-dovey.

Side note: I do have to say this has been one hell of an advertisement for Portugal. Yes please.

Kirk says he hasn’t brought a girl home to meet his parents in 3 years. I’m starting to think it’s because he’s brought nothing but boys home to meet his parents.

And with so many girls wearing lesbian-attire I wouldn’t blame him.

Ali comments that she doesn’t think her date with Kirk is going so well. UH OHHHHH! Here comes dinner! Ali starts by saying she’s confused and is glad he’s “bearing with” her today. Kirk tells her he just wants her honestly. Ali says she’s just worried that he’ll think she’s not good enough (see: lack of penis) one day. He says “Blah blah blah” and I wanna fucking cut my wrists but Ali loves it. They kiss and everything’s a happy ending once again.

Time for another date card – it’s CHRIS!

Ouch. I think he should start the date off with a backhand.

Back at the castle…

The production crew must’ve literally flown across Europe with hundreds of candle holders. Either that or every store in Reykjavik, Istanbul and Lisbon is sold out of them.

Ali and Kirk stand there, listen to the music and… was anyone else picturing a giant ball rolling down that staircase?

Like this but with more candles and an actual sense of tragedy.

The next day Ali goes on her date with Chris. It goes zzzzzzzz….

So that’s it everyone! See ya next week!

I kid, I kid. Boy wouldn’t that be great?! But no, I shall suffer on for you – MY PEOPLE! Anyways, Chris is excited that the date doesn’t involve oil-wrestling or horse-back riding – yeah – God forbid it be interesting. Oh but wait!!!!

Instead they get to ride a two-wheeled death cycle!

Chris has never driven one of these before and is scared he might kill the “bachelorette”. Somewhere Kasey’s watching this and screaming, “THAT’S MY JOB!!! AHHHHH!!!!”

Chris takes off and says, “Better hold on! I don’t know what the f–k I’m doing!” Poetry in motion. If only this episode where to end up in the emergency room. RAAAAAATINGS!

Ali says that she’s “sure Chris losing his Mom has some…sort of…effect with how he lives his life now”. REALLY?!!? She totally says it like “Fuck if I know. Where’s Roberto?!” So she hops in the driver seat of the scooter to go look for him – or something like that. They go for a drive and then find a place to picnic…

Ew. That blanket has seen WAY too much action in the last weeks. I hope they burn it. Or give it to Native Americans. I’m sure either option won’t have plague-like consequences.

They start chatting and I’m going to go ahead and quote DIRECTLY what Ali says to Chris, “It sounds like your whole family, you guys, just sort of like mess around with each other.” WHAAAAAAT?!? To which Chris blurts out…

“IT HAPPENED ONE TIME WHEN WE WERE IN THE SHOWER WHEN I WAS 7 AND IT MEANT NOTHING!!!”

Ali asks Chris about his mother and he tells her all about his Mom. It’s really sweet – he’s a good guy. I’m not sure he has an entire lot to talk about but he’s sweet. Maybe he’s camera shy. However that would make a BAD pick for Ali. That girl loves the camera like a cat to cream. (How Southern did I sound right there?!)

Ali then takes Chris to a winery because she feels like it’s a great place to “let loose”.

“IS THAT A BOWL OF CONDOMS?!”

Ali asks Chris if his family likes wine. Dear God, Why couldn’t you had let him respond, “My father’s a raging alcoholic and ran my mother down with our buick.” Aaaaaaawkward! Instead he only says his Dad likes “Red Wine”. Ooooh Mr. Fancy Pants and his specific tastes!

Chris tells Ali that it takes awhile for him to open up so if he brings her home, his family will see how she’s opened him up. Then they’ll open her up. There’s a joke here but I’m staying classy San Diego!

Chris decides that he knows Ali well enough to give her something that his family’s friend makes.

“Awww this will go perfect with the extra buttons and old chotchkies in the back of my sock drawer.”

Ali’s impressed that Chris waited to give her such a meaningful gift. Ali seems really smitten by him on this date because they’ve opened up to each other…

They realize it works best with the clothes off, right? At least the blanket got a break.

Time for the rose ceremony! (ALREADY?! You’ll see why in a bit.) One boy out of the five gets sent home! My money’s on Kirk and I swear I don’t know yet. It’s raining outside so the consequent mold alone could kill him off before the storm’s over.

This humidity’s doing a number on Golidlocks. Get her back to LA!

Here we go! First rose… Chris! (Wow! He got called first! That romp in the grass went well!) Frank! (Seriously?! Ugh. Over him.) Roberto! (My money was on him the FIRST day!) And the final rose… KIRK! SON OF A BITCH I WAS WRONG!! Ty’s going home!

Awwww… I feel bad for Ty! He looks so heartbroken as she walks him to the car and says “Get along lil doggy!” He really did like her. Poor guy. He’s like a sad puppy in the limo and says he doesn’t know what to do. Then he slowly moves to anger and says he’s pissed she made the wrong decision. When’s rage settle in? I hope they save enough time in the episode for that!

BUT WAIT!!! Here’s Host Chris with a special announcement!!! “It is with a certain degree of sadness,” he says, “that I bring you this special Bachelor update.” BUUULLLLLSHHHHHIIIIT!!!!! Oh Chris, you hate drama and bad news like an hour long BJ from a hooker who hasn’t eaten in a week.

It’s interview time between Jake (the previous “Bachelor”) and Vienna (his lady of choice). Now, I never watched these shows until this season – so I’m flying blind.

But I will say that these two assholes probably deserved each other and we’re all happy it blew up in their faces. Comment if you think I’m wrong.

Apparently Jake was blind-sided by the whole break up and says he’s innocent. Then Host Chris calls for Vienna to come out and join them…

“JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!” Oh… sorry. Wrong show.

Vienna comes out and says their relationship went to shit a month after they were together. She says he was emotionally abusive to her.

I say, I’d take emotionally abusive with eyes and a square jaw like that any time.

She says that she was hurt because she had to ask him to kiss her. OY. So she went to the tabloids and told everybody. Hysterical. KA-CHING!

I’m sure it’s not THAT bad. You kids can probably patch things up…

Jake: “I’m so mad at you and disgusted by you!!!”

Vienna: “You’re a fame WHORE!!!”

Ok so maybe there isn’t any wedding bells in the future. Vienna goes on to say that when her dog almost died Jake said “I’m so sorry that your dog is so spoiled that it can only maintain one relationship at a time.” I’m confused. Did he wanna have a three-way with the dog? Either way – that’s hysterical.

Awww look. He even has dimples when he’s smug.

Vienna then goes on to say that Jake has accused her of cheating on him with Greg <beeeeeeeep>! They bleep out his last name! WOW! I can’t believe that guy’s last name is “McMotherfucker”!

Then Jake calls her out again and says she had a guy at her apartment on Saturday night! OH SNAP! BUT she counters that it was a gay guy named “Todd <beeeeep>”!!! Again with this dirty last names! Anyways, I guess Todd O’Suckadickerish owns a “CockKnockery” (they bleeped this out too so I’m guessing) and is way gay. So Jake fucked that up. Vienna gets so mad at his lying that she orders a “poly-o-graph” test. Yikes.

So then they start screaming at each other, poo gets flung all around the place and shit gets real. Host Chris said that he knows she made a shitload of money selling their story and that he watched her on “beeeeeeeep!” Ummm… I’m gonna go with “3 rocks of crack and a Zanax”?

Best part? Host Chris asks “Why didn’t you two go the “amicable” route when you knew things were going to hell in a hand basket?” AAAAHHHH! Awesome. They both give bullshit answers that sound nothing like “Because we’re fame whores”.

Jake and Vienna continue to scream and point fingers at each other and all I can think of is, “GOD I HOPE ALI’S WATCHING THIS!” They could do a whole other special if they just taped Ali’s reaction to all of this!

At one point Vienna’s dog gets brought back up again and they start arguing over it. Second favorite part: Host Chris cuts them off and says, “Let’s move on – we don’t really care about the dog.” HAHAHAAHA. I was waiting for him to shake her and say, “DO YOU THINK YOUR FUCKING POODLE’S GONNA WIN THIS SHOW AN EMMY?!? SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Then comes the climatic point! Vienna interrupts Jake one last time and he LOSES IT and yells to stop interrupting him which leads to an explosion of tears! She runs off, the producers hunt her down and she bawls on the other side of a door while she’s still mic’d. RI-DIC-U-LOUS!!! How can we see the producer hand her a loaded gun with the door closed?!

So that ends the interview! She’s in tears, Jake sneers, Todd queers and Host Chris fears… that no one tuned in to watch it all go to shit! I think Ali seems to be doing a good job picking out who would be a good match “or her. Anyone sad to see Ty go?! Think it should have been someone else?! I’d love to hear it all – come on kids and DISH IT!!!