The Bachelorette: Hung Like a Raindrop

Welcome back kids! I’m excited to jump back into this mosh pit of shallow man flesh. How about you?! Ali starts by reminding us that she’s dating 17 men – just in case anyone thought they had tuned in to the sluttiest rerun of “Friends” ever. No way kids – this is the best lil’ whorehouse in LA, it’s… “THE BACHELORETTE”!

We begin with Host Chris wishing a good morning to the boys and letting them know what the week has in store for them: 2 individual dates and one group (gang bang) date. On each date, Ali will give out a rose which means they’re safe. However, on an individual date, no rose means pack up your man purse and GTFO.

Host Chris drops off the first date card and it’s… FRANK!

He’s either insanely excited or… just insane.

BTW, I know what Frank’s gonna look like when he’s older… and even more insane.

All the guys start high-fiving Frank. The moment is very “Football Captain just nailed the hottest cheerleader and told all his buddies about it.”

We’re then greeted by Ali who is positively glowing about dating all these hot guys and especially her date with Frank. She loves his sense of humor. Like how he always jokes about living with his parents. He’s a joker that one, huh Ali?

So Ali heads over to the sausage-fest that is the boys’ house.

Weatherman is all pissed because he insists he has the best personality and HE should be going on the date…

But Frank is kind enough to explain that Weatherman isn’t tall enough to ride.

So Frank scoops Ali up and they head out to a beautiful old-timey car (I’m not good with these things – it was blue and it looked like what I’d imagine my father’s dream car to be) and hop in.

And this is what Ali left behind. Ummm… I don’t know whether to hate her or idolize her. To be honest – why’s she have to choose? If this show was on MTV she’d only have to narrow it down to however many guys fit in a hot tub.

So Ali and Frank are on their way to a great date when– “BAP! POW! WAH WAH WAHHHH!” The car shit’s out! WHAT?! That’s what you get for buying American.

At first I thought the producers probably rigged a flat tire so that Frank would have to fix it but I guess the car really did die. Hope this isn’t an omen for the show.

Let me get this straight. They can afford a HELICOPTER to film them but not a car that doesn’t shit out?

So they end up taking a taxi to the heart of Hollywood (kill me). Ali says she wants to show him all the fun things Hollywood has to offer. I guess Ali’s definition of fun is hookers, crackheads and child-molesters wearing home-made super hero outfits.

So of course the paparazzi comes out of nowhere and starts filming them. Those fuckers either crawled out of the sewer (believable) or the producers tipped them off (more believable). But the kids make the best of it and Ali beebops around while all the tourists google her.

And at least now we know how far Harrison Ford’s career has sunk.

Back at Sausagetopia, the boys are still interrogating, Justin, the unprofessional wrestler. Craig R is really going after him…

Perhaps he should concentrate more on using sunscreen evenly. I mean, how do you miss that spot?!

Craig grills Justin because he didn’t tell them all that he was a wrestler in the beginning – although he did tell Ali the truth. Justin’s defense is that he didn’t lie – he just didn’t tell the whole truth. Yeah – the ladies looooooove that one. Partial Truth: “I never kissed someone else honey – I swear.” Other Part of that truth: “However, I do have genital warts now.”

Back with the happy couple, Ali has the key to the access gate for the “Hollywood” sign and the two frolic in front of the iconic letters. Looks beautiful from afar – but it’s literally like the #1 place where people go to “get kinky” in an outdoor spot.

“Oh dear God, please tell me that’s a whipped cream-filled ballon on the ground over there.”

Frank takes this moment to tell Ali about quitting his job to become a screenwriter and move to Paris. Unless his job was CEO of Moneybanks, INC – how the hell does one afford to do that? Is Frankie a trust-fund baby?! Oh nevermind – he’s managing a retail store now. I wanna know which one it is! He’s a pretty good dresser. I’m going with either BR or J Crew. Although I’d die laughing if it was Ross.

Ali likes that Frank’s a guy that isn’t so career driven. Yeah – that’s totally romantic. Let me know how that works out when you’re screaming at him to do something with his life while they cut the power to your studio apartment.

Hollywood magic finally sets in and the two share their first kiss under the sign. Then their fixed shitter shows up and they take off to a nighttime look-out. How many of these places are they going to visit?! Are they TRYING to get chlamydia?!

“You live with your parents?! BWAAAAH!!! YOU CRACK ME UP!!! So funny… anyways… seriously… where do you live?”

Back at the boys’ room, the next date card arrives…

You say “Group Date”, I say “Didn’t you forget to include Ron Jeremy on this?”

Funny how the names were read off in a different order than what was on this card. Craig M was called off last because he’s quickly becoming the most-hated and it makes for better drama. I don’t know – something tells me this guy is a plant.

Craig starts in on hottie tattoo guy about his tattoos and asks if his mom does it. What the fuck kind of stupid crack is that?! “Does you MOM do your tattoos?!” LAME. Everything about Craig M is lame to me.

Although to be fair this is Hottie Tattoo Guy’s mother.

And then later on, Craig REALLY tries pissing off by telling him he has no personality and even pushes him a little. WTF?!? IS HE STUPID?!

I hope he makes Craig shit douchey straw hat for a week.

Up on the mountain top, Frank and Ali have really hit it off and she offers him THE ROSE!

And RIGHT in the middle of her heartfelt speech he ACTUALLY takes the time to stop and smell the roses. Love it!

Ali tells Frank that she knows it’ll be hard but to hang in there while she goes off and makes out with 16 other guys. He lets her know that he likes her a lot and he has an incredible immune system – so she’s welcome back anytime.

The next morning it’s Group Date time!

And Ali’s there to serve up some delicious muffin tops for breakfast.

I kid I kid! She’s gorgeous. Someone just needs to tell her never to slouch when wearing a 2-piece on camera.

The boys are all excited to be at a beach in Malibu. My fav part is that everywhere they go Justin has to hobble behind everyone like “Hey guys! Wait for me! I wanna play!” Not mention, good luck getting sand out of a foot cast!

So Ali then reveals that they’re doing a photo shoot for a charity with a famous photographer. It’s kind of weird that they don’t say for what charity though. Maybe it’s to pay for Justin’s medical bills. I can’t imagine the fake WWF has very good medical coverage.

Soon the boys find out what they’re wearing for the photo shoot. Which is AWESOME. Lots of Speedos! I’d fucking kill myself.

“Don’t worry baby – that’s not dandruff, that’s just LA Looks fallout.”

BWAH!!! All the ripped hotties get Speedos and Fatty gets SPANX!

Everyone seems to be having having fun with it EXCEPT Weatherman! He is shitting thunder bolts over having to wear a Speedo because according to him he has “chicken legs”. He whines and pleads with costuming but Steve rushes in to make him feel better and save the day. You know Steve right?

He’s the one that looks like he’s eaten nothing but egg whites and protein shakes since 1990.

Then comes the best part of the episode. Weatherman admits that it’s really his small man junk that he’s afraid of revealing and refers to it…

With a “thpppt!” noise. Jesus, Weatherman. Why didn’t you just add “WAH WAH WAAAAAH!” while you’re at it! Looks like Ali’s potential forecast is “cloudy with a chance of never orgasming.”

But you know what, Jonathan, just handle it like a man and come out with your head held high. Be proud of who you are and–

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Hey! He’s tickling me! Why’d you put a baby carrot in your Speedos?!”

So the photo shoot begins and of course Douchey Craig eats it up and smarms it up for the camera.

Him and Monica Lewinsky would make great Anti-Smoking PSA’s together. Gross.

The shoot goes well and, personally, I think Kirk was the hottest one…

“RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!! SCHWING!!!”

He seems pretty sweet actually. I’m not sure there’s much upstairs though.

Ty from Nashville comes in a close second though as he sings to her and plays his guitar…

Although Nine Inch Nails’ “I Wanna Fuck You Like an Animal” probably was a little too forward.

Meanwhile all the other boys stand around hating his ass. And then it’s a wrap!

It speaks volumes on Weatherman that he just plopped his ass front and center.

The boys all get dressed again (boo) and head off to the 2nd part of the date. Which is in some abandoned warehouse decorated by Pier 1.

Singing Ty makes his move and brings Ali over to a dark corner to tell her he’s been divorced…

Just so all of you guys know, this is not the look of “I’m super-psyched you have a track record.”

Ali seems to handle it very well actually. It’s funny – this girl has serious charm. Everything about her and this show I wanna hate but I find myself liking her at every turn. How the hell can a girl that’s dating 17 guys on a reality show be LIKABLE?! And how the hell does Rachel Rae have a talk show but she doesn’t?! “YUMMMMO!!!” Ugh.

Please… stop.

Back with the boys, Weatherman is livid with Douchey Craig and calls him a category 6 shit storm. And let’s be real folks – he’s got a diploma in meteorology to back that up. Even though I feel like meteorology is like one step behind astrology. Being a weatherman is the most ridiculous job. It’s the only job where you get to be on TV, be wrong CONSTANTLY and still keep your job. Well… that and being Glenn Beck.

WHAT THE WHAT?! Now Weatherman tells us he’s a brown belt! He then explains that if Craig tries anything, he’s just gonna PUT HIS HAND UP!

Apparently he went to “Beyonce’s Dojo for Single Ladies Learning Karate”. Step one: Put your hand up!

Weatherman then decides to move a cold front in on Ty and Ali’s private time and crashes their date. Ty’s pretty bummed but he makes the best of it.

Weatherman then showers Ali with a few compliments and then – does he tell her about himself? NO. He gets right to telling her what a d-bag Craig is! LOL. Way to waste your date talking about someone else! You’ve officially gone from “Potential Husband” to “Gay Best Friend” in the span of a minute.

So Weatherman tells her (after much suspense and high-school-omg-you’re-never-gonna-guess-ness) that Craig M is “dangerous” and “crazy”. Ali seems less-than-surprised and just hugs him like “Ok bestie thanks! Let’s play Mall Madness after all the hot boys go home.”

To be fair, Weatherman is a good guy and really has her best interests in mind…

Well, two of her best interests anyways.

Weatherman gets back in the room with the boys and they immediately start fucking with him – especially Douche Craig. I’m waiting for them to run his underpants up the flag pole – any minute. Craig goes SOOOOO FAR out of his way to be a DOUCHE I’m almost POSITIVE the producers are paying him off.

Back at the MANsion (I think I just found the perfect name!) the 5 remaining guys get a date card with cufflinks that have “JB” on them – which means it’s date night for Hottie Tattoo Jesse! Cufflinks?! How the hell’s he supposed to wear those while naked? NAKED I SAY! And why the hell wasn’t HE at the Speedo shoot?! SERIOUSLY?!

Meanwhile, back at the warehouse, Justin hobbles in on Ali’s date with Chris H. OK – has anyone else noticed that we haven’t gotten ONE bit of footage between Chris H and Ali?! They keep cutting it out! Last episode and now this one too! Something’s up! I’m calling it right now that he’s in like the final three or something!

Justin tells Ali to put a mountain in from him and he’ll climb it for her. OMG! PLEASE DO IT! That would be the best segment ever. But Ali tells him there’s no need and snuggles up to him…

Opting to try and give him a boner instead. Good luck walking on crutches and hiding THAT at the same time! Ali you vixen!

Now it’s ROSE time! And it’s TY! Wow – looks like she really does like a guy with a lil’ history. Or maybe it was the song at the beach. She’s an ANIMAL! Best part? Weatherman is PIIIIIIIISSSED!

It’s a new day now and Ali’s prepping for her date with Jesse. She’s excited because he’s HOT. Uhhh YEAH he is! We then get a glimpse of Jesse picking out what to pack for their date…

Honestly you look fine in just the tattoo. Anything else is gonna clash. Pack light.

WHAT?! Turns out they have a private jet!!! And they’re flying to VEGAS!!! OMG! Frank gets a broken-down car and ghetto-ass Hollywood and Jesse gets THIS! I’d be so pissed if I was Frank.

So Ali is scared of flying and Jesse’s all sweet and dumb about it – his two best traits as far as I can see. Although he’s quite the gentleman.

Jesse helps Ali get her mind off things by playing “Guess what this is?” And I’m gonna guess it’s bigger than a bread box.

So they then arrive in Vegas to find…

Seriously if I was Frank I’d smack her. Rose or not.

Soon they’re cruising the Vegas strip and head over to the new Aria Hotel to enjoy their brand new pool that’s never been used yet. (GEE I WONDER WHO FOOT THE BILL FOR THIS TRIP?!) That is such crap! What? Any hotel can just BUY it’s way into a show and—-

Nevermind. Love you Aria! This was the best idea ever!

Next up Ali has some oysters ready for the two of them because they’re an “aphrodisiac”. UMMMM… Jet plane?! Hot Car?! Pool?! OYSTERS?! Is she trying to marry him or fuck his brains out?! Because she needs to be doing both. Doing good, girl! Although Jesse says the oyster taste like “shit”. Ali TOTALLY misses her chance to say, “Wanna try my clam?”

That night we see Jesse put on his suit (his second one ever – ugh – so friggin cute and dumb) and his cuff links. He’s super excited about the date and arrives to her gigantic suite where she makes a stunning entrance. Her gown is gorgeous and I’m surprise J-dog didn’t blow the crotch right outta that brand new suit.

So they sit down to a private dinner in her suit and begin the “getting to know you”. How this hasn’t happened on a flight to vegas, car ride and all day at the pool is beyond me. But, some people take their time. And to be honest he couldn’t told me he was a serial rapist at the pool and I would’ve been like “Uh huh…yeah… so how often do you work out?”

Meanwhile, back at the MANsion…

The date between Weatherman and Douchebag is getting HOT… and sweaty. Gross.

Actually Douchey Craig is still just trying to screw with Weatherman. As much as I like watch Weatherman get all stormy, I’d be happy to see D-bag get the cut tonight. He’s fake whether he’s a plant or not. I like my crazies REAL.

Back in Vegas, Jesse tells Ali that he’s super interested in woodworking. OMG. If I was hanging around him I’D be interested in working wood too. Just saying.

After that little piece of info, Ali then decides she knows enough about him! LOL. Oh Ali, I think we’re on identical thought levels. He could’ve come out with “Me like wood.” and she would’ve been like “Good enough! ROSE!”

So the happy couple makes its way over to a private club of their own WHERE JAMIE CULLUM IS PLAYING A PRIVATE CONCERT!!! WHAT THE WHAT?! Bitch I paid $60 to see him at the Hollywood Bowl. From what I could tell it was him. Lil fucker looked like a white dot with shaggy hair. And so they end their date dancing the night away. If the Aria’s a rockin’… don’t come a knockin.

Back at the MANsion, the boys are all morose and seem like they’ve all but given up. LOL. I love how they all mindfuck each other. Watching these guys react the way they do I can only imagine the fantastic cattiness that goes down on “The Bachelor”. God I hate that I’m falling for these shows. Thanks for taking my soul down yet another notch TVgasm!

So now it’s time for the cocktail party and Ali gets a chance to “date” some of the boys that got screwed out of seeing her this week. First up, Chris from Cape Cod. Chris says he feels a little bummed he hasn’t really gotten to talk to her yet and Ali apologizes. He responds with ‘I totally understand.” Love it! This is gotta be the first time in the history of man that a girl says, “Sorry – I’ve been whoring it up with 16 other guys!” and the guy responds, “I totally understand.”

They chat about Cape Cod and his family for about 4 minutes and then Ali announces she loved talking to him! “BYEEEEE!” Time for Roberto! Robbie-Robbie-berto Robbie-Robbie-berto! Don’t call my name! Don’t call my name! Roberto!

Roberto ends up telling Ali that he used to be a (pro? I’m lost here.) baseball player and asks her if he wants to play catch. CUTE! But alas, Ali blows her chance at telling him she’s excited to catch his balls. However she does a great job of playing catch and the two have a really adorable moment.

Not gonna lie though, I was kind of wondering how many guys would peace out if that ball just clocked her in the face.

Back with the boys, they’re all chit-chatting and psyching themselves out that Ali probably already has the final guys in mind. That could be true but first impressions only last so long until you get to know the person. Like Jesse, I had no idea he was hot until I learned he was into wood-working. Honestly.

Next up, Kasey. Now. there was some discussion on the comments last episode that Kasey might be hearing impaired and that’s why he has the funny voice I was making cracks about. Let me apologize and say, “I’m sorry that you’re all wrong.” “He’s skinny Amber, not deaf!” ANYONE?! 1,000 cool points if anyone can tell me what that refers to!

Before Kasey can even say anything for me to make fun of, Frank swoops in and takes Ali away. Awww! Poor Kasey! He kan’t katch a break!

Kocktails for one? Awww krap.

So Frank tells Ali that he left their date feeling like Ali was his girlfriend. Awww. How sweet… and delusional.

PS – Does anyone on this show wear sunscreen?!

So Frank makes a play and gets to make out with her (again) while all the other boys are watching. Let the Herpesfest begin! They’re all pissed but Roberto’s the only one that’s like “Yeah – he’s got game.” Hang in there Roberto! Me encanta!

While Ali makes her rounds, Douchey Craig has his way with Weatherman once again and gets his feathers all ruffled. They really need to have a spin-off of this show – the New Odd Couple – starring Weatherman and Douchey Craig. Poor Weatherman, I feel like he’s been picked on his whole life for being the lil’ guy…

And it was so embarrassing when they passed out drinks according to penis size.

Ali show’s up and rescues Weatherman. She asks him how thing’s are going and of course opens up Pandora’s box. Weatherman spends all of his time talking about Douchey Craig again instead of getting to know her. I love that he literally was like, “I ain’t one to gossip BUT…”

Although he did take a moment to ask how hot he looked in the Speedo.

So they wrap up the gabfest and then it’s time for Ali and… DOUCHEY CRAIG! They begin chatting like normal and then Ali goes for the jugular and puts him on the spot with a “Do you actually like me?” What follows is a series of stutters, grunts, awkward pauses and well…

I’m not kidding when I say all of these faces were made in a 45 second time frame. C-R-A-Z-Y!!!

So Craig’s totally pissed when he finds out that someone called him dangerous and now he’s out to prove everyone otherwise.

And frankly, he’s off to a great start.

So Craig calls everyone into the house and they have a big meeting in which he asks who called him dangerous. Which quickly turns into, “WEATHERMAN YOU CALLED ME DANGEROUS! I”ll !@$%@! KILL YOU!!!”

Weatherman stutters and trips over his words – clearly the guilty party. He’s totally shitting his under-roos. So the two of them get into a who-said-he-said-she-said argument in front of the whole group and Weatherman won’t admit to saying it – he’ll only admit that he doesn’t like Craig. Well what’s the big secret after that?! Just say “I SAID YOU’RE DANGEROUS BECAUSE YOU ARE!” Unless you’re gonna be like. “WHAAA?! ME?! I would never! You’re the bee’s knees!” – otherwise just own up to it.

So Craig just settles on his own (obvious) assumption that it was Weatherman and the Weatherman just stews in a pile of “waaahhhhhh”. However…

How AWESOME is this shot?! This HAD to be set up some how, right?! Weatherman lurking in the shadows!

So it’s finally time for the rose ceremony! Weatherman comments that if Craig M. doesn’t go home tonight he can be assured there’s no God. YIKES. REALLY?! I mean – personally I could see questioning God with all of the famine, murder and war going on in the world but now that I think about it – “The Bachelorette” is probably the best indication of a divine existence.

“Shall I feed the hungry, make world peace or make sure Ali doesn’t fuck that douchebag, today?”

Back with Ali and her selection process…

“Photos, photos on the wall… who’s the lamest of them all?”

Time for the ceremony! THREE people are going home tonight! I hope she sends Craig home 3 times. So the roses go to… (btw remember Frank, Jesse and Ty already have roses)

Kasey (Meh. I’m neither here nor there), Hunter (still know zip about him but he seems nice), Roberto (AY PAPI!), Chris L (GO CELTICS!), Justin (Oh come on! He’s so blah and doofy! Wasted rose!), Steve (I like. I don’t love. But I like. And a rockin’ bod.), Kirk (Mr. America! Yeah!), John C. (Sweet guy – def laying low). Craig R. (Lawyer guy that gives a play-by-play the whole episode and hates Justin), Chris N. (This guy is vanilla ice cream to me- sweet but nothing there) and the final rose goes to… WEATHERMAN! WHAT?! WAIT!!!

What about Chris?! We never got to see you with him and he’s a total hottie! Does he have horrific breath or something?! What gives! Ali NOOOOOOO!!!!

Time for the 3 boys to say goodbye…

We barely knew ye. Except for that rather distinguishing mark on your head of course. Byeeee!

Please… pull the trigger.

Craig signs off by telling us he hopes there’s hotties on the plane flight out. Awesome. Douchey til’ the end.

And then… NO EXIT INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? SOMETHING IS TOTALLY GOING ON HERE!!! We never saw footage of him talking to Ali and now this?! My internets peoples – what is going on?! Anyone know anything?! This has GOT to be a scandal!

So that’s it! Next week it looks like there a music video to be made and drama with Justin. Can’t wait! Until then, let me hear what you all think so far! And any thoughts on the Chris mystery!?! Come on kids and DISH IT!