The Bachelorette: I GOT YOUR HEART BITCHEZ!!!

Welcome to “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All“!!! That’s right – now the men will talk endlessly and pointlessly like NEVER BEFORE! WOO WOO! It’s a full 2 hours of recap, bullshit and filler-between-commercials! So let’s get to it!

Here’s Host Chris! Can’t you just tell how he HATES being in the spotlight?!

So all the other boys are here tonight except for the best two – Chris and Roberto (oh and asswipe Frank). But Host Chris throws us to a pre-recorded interview of him with Ali. She’s there tonight. WTF wouldn’t they just bring her out and ask her the questions then?! Does EVERYTHING have to be so edited/manufactured? Ugh. Stupid me for asking.

Host Chris starts out the interview by asking about… JUSTIN!

The real trick was getting the pigeon to shit on him just right to spell that out.

Ali thinks it’s all a big laugh now. I wonder if she’ll feel that away about this whole process at some point. I mean, we already do.

Host Chris asks about the day she found out about Justin. Apparently we’ll be beating the shit out of this dead horse for the next two hours. Ali says her goal was to not let Justin hurt her in honor of all the ladies out there. Go girl. She did a good job but I still say she should’ve pushed his crutch-edy ass down those stairs. Then maybe peed on his head.

Up next, Host Chris asks about Kasey…

Well there’s one thing we agree with Ali on!

Ali plays nice and says there’s someone out there that will love him one day. I agree. As soon as whoever would fall for Kasey is released from the mental institution she’s in – it’ll be LOVE! They can get matching tattoos and plan Ali’s “suicide” together!

Host Chris then asks Ali about Kirk. She says she was unsure in the beginning but it was his scrapbook that won her over…

That’s my Mom, my Aunt Linda – oh and that’s my Dad’s moose head, his stuffed boar and don’t forget my fav – the caribou foot with googly eyes!

BTW I HATED that necklace. It looks like she’s a fat girl wearing a tween’s bracelet around her neck.

Now for Host Chris’ fav part – reliving the “Frank Meltdown”! Ali says she was so excited to see Frank that morning in Tahiti and when he said he was upset about something she figured that she was going to have to reassure him once again that he should be secure in the fact that he’s her #1 – unless she picks one of the other two #1′s. Turn’s out he decided she was #2 to him. And then he #2′d all over her. That all makes sense right?!

Another one of Host Chris’ highlights was when…

Roberto blew it in her face.

The champagne cork that is. We’re not talking about the Fantasy Suite! I guess Roberto almost put the cork through Ali’s head. Imagine the popping sound THAT would’ve made.

They also discuss the fake speech Frank’s Dad made as a joke…

I hope he was joking about the nose too. Because if not, Ali you really dodged the future Gonzo on that one.

There was also a highlight of Ali’s date with Krazy Kasey…

“HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!! THIS DATE’S LIKE FUCKING EVENT HORIZON UP HERE! MAYDAY!!!”

And then there was fun with animals!

You know that cat’s thinking, “Hey hottie… ya know I’m the only pussy you can get tonight… we’re still weeks away from the Fantasy Suite… why don’t you come away with me? Hmmm?”

That cat’s now stuffed in Kirk’s Dad’s basement.

They also discuss Chris N. – the PHANTOM! Apparently Chris had a knack for disappearing all the time. It seems like they had a lot of fun with it. (Until Ali made him disappear forever of course.) I really wish they kept all of these funny moments in the actual show. It makes these people seem MUCH more likable and real instead so dramatic and serious all of the time.

Finally we’re back to the “live” show and Host Chris brings all the guys out on stage. The most obvious omissions being Justin (no surprise), Craig (the douchey one who I SWEAR was a plant!) and…

Chris! He was so hot! I still think he should’ve made it longer!

Instead they have…

Not the brightest but SO hot.

I’m sorry… who the fuck are you?

He would make a great drag queen. He just has that look. Actually there’s a good chance he already is.

No seriously, who the FUCK are YOU?

I remember you! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.

Oy. “Who’s got two thumbs that are smaller than his penis? THIS GUY!”

Chris N. is also here and reveals something…

He’s replacing Billy Zane in the sequel?!

The Phantom also tells us how he feels about Justin…

Now it’s on to Kasey and what the boys thought of him…

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

And we also get a trip down memory lane…

Best self-destruction clip… EVER.

He was so hot in that moment I think I would’ve let him punch ME.

Best Horrifying “He’s right behind you!!!” Moment

Host Chris then says he wants to talk to Weatherman about him ratting Craig out about being “dangerous”. The guys all jump on the bandwagon and beat up on Weatherman for not confessing that he was the one who told Ali. I have to say I’m really impressed with the Weatherman. I totally expected him to burst into tears and piss himself. Well… at least we know he didn’t cry.

The convo then turns to Kasey and his kraziness. Surprisingly all of the guys love him. They agree that he’s bat shit crazy but they like that he’s not fake. I agree. I’ll take a crazy/real person who might murder me any day over a crazy/fake person that might murder me.

And now… back to Justin! The guys all say they didn’t trust him from the start. Then they all say what a lying, psycho, douchebag he is. It goes on forever. I’m guessing they edited 10-300 hours of footage out of this group interview. I mean they HAD to run out of adjectives for Justin at some point.

Speaking of douchebags – time for Frank! We watch a whole montage of Frank dumping Ali in Tahiti. I love a good montage! They should’ve done it to the song, “Cry Me a River”. And that’s only because there’s no song called “Douchey Wish-Washy Selfish Bumblefuck”.

The boys all chime in and stick up for Frank – saying he’s no Justin – but that he just didn’t know what he wanted until it was too late.

Raise your hand if your opinion doesn’t matter.

Although Kasey, because his job is to guard and protect her heart – blames Frank for letting it go on too long and hurting Ali in the process. Awww – Kasey’s actually a good guy – I wouldn’t want to be trapped in an elevator with him – but he means well. Until he kills you. So there’s that.

Speaking of Kasey – now it’s his turn to be interviewed! He admires Ali for being honest with him and letting him go but he’s still a little miffed about being stranded on an iceberg while she flew away with the sleaziest bachelor the show’s ever had. Of course the show missed its chance (for the 2nd time!) to play “Ice Ice Baby” while the clips play of them ditching Kasey on the ice.

Host Chris asks Kasey if he came on too strong and Kasey admits that maaaaaaybe he did. Awww – this guy is just an honest cheeseball. You gotta love him for that. Because if you don’t – he’ll drink your blood. I’M JUST SAYING!

Next in the “hot seat”, KIRK! First we’re treated to a montage of the two of them falling in love and then Ali doing this to his heart…

ALI MAAAA! ALI MAAA!

Kirk says it took him so long to open up to someone because he almost died (DOOOOOWNER!) and then when she turned him down it almost killed him again. Well – he didn’t say it like that but SOMEONE has to make this interview more interesting. Host Chris asks Kirk if Ali broke his heart (and then crosses his fingers) and Kirk says “SHE DID.” AWWWWWW! Sadness. Poor guy. I feel like he’s got a good shot at being the next Bachelor! Wouldn’t it be awesome if they invited his Dad to be one too and they could double date with old chicks?!

So now that it’s been more than 10 minutes since we’ve talked about Justin – it’s time to talk about Justin again! UGH!!!! NO ONE CARES ANYMORE! The more you talk about a douchebag the less he disappears into wrestlemania oblivion. They all shoot the shit AGAIN about Justin. This should’ve been “The Men Tell All… About Justin.”

Craig says he’s EVIL and that any public statements that are being made that he’s friends with Justin are a LIE! HUH? Did NPR report that the two were friends or something? Did Justin twitter “Hey BFF Craig – we down for drinks and nailing all my ex-gf’s together this wknd? LOL! OMG! BFF’s!”?

Kirk reveals that Justin was on the other side of his hotel wall when he left the voicemails to his girlfriend. He knows because he heard Justin talking to himself while water was running. I don’t know. It could be that he has to talk himself into peeing around others. Or he was spanking it? Did you hear him saying, “Yeah! You like it Rated R?! You like strong language and brief nudity?! I’m gonna give it to you!”

Alright – now that we’ve all gotten Justin our of our system, we can move on to our next guest…

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Yes. Jessie’s here to talk about how Justin’s girlfriend came to her about Justin. Apparently the connection was that they’re “both Canadians”. No shit. REALLY?! I guess they’re also besties with Alanis Morisette and Mike Meyers. And the shit hit the fan when Justin’s OTHER girlfriend wrote on his Facebook wall and his first girlfriend saw it. I love Facebook. It’s like a scientific equation. For every relationship it creates – it equally destroys one!

In the mean time, you can tell Jessie is just LOOOOOVING the attention of all the boys there. And she’s sending out all the signals too…

I hope they scotch-guarded that couch before she sat down.

Host Chris then decides to open the “Justin Bashing” up to the whole audience. THIS NEVER ENDS!!!

I was SO hoping that this girl was gonna say she was 8 months prego with Justin’s little Rated “G”!

One of the girls in the audience asks if Craig would have an olive oil wrestling match with Justin to get even with him. PLEASE DON’T. Whoever wins that match – we all still lose.

And can we give some credit to this guy?! He’s either a butch-looking gay or the best BF/Husband to attend this taping with his lady.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for – ALI!

With an outfit sponsored by Reynold’s Wrap!

Well – thank GOD we’re done talking about Justin and we can get Ali’s take on all of our questions about—

“So what’s your take on Justin?”

MOTHER FUCKER YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!! ARRRRRRG!!!! @#%@@%^$%&%&^@$!$!!!!!

OK. ONE LAST FUCKING TIME LET’S TALK ABOUT IT. Ali says she just wanted to be strong for all the ladies so she tore his ass out. That’s it. The friggin’ end.

Ali also gets to talk about Frank AGAIN and Host Chris asks her if (looking back) she should’ve picked Kirk instead of Frank. While everyone else holds back from screaming, “YES!!!” Ali just says everything happens for a reason. Then Kirk says he’s happy and that he’ll find someone else now that his heart’s open. TOTALLY missed his chance to say “Oh yeah – well I don’t date FAT chicks.”

And now KASEY gets to talk to Ali! Uh oh. If I was there I would’ve screamed “EVERYONE GET DOWN!!!!”

I fully expected this to be a “HE’S GOT A GUN!!! – Kasey’s then riddled with bullets” moment but it was wasn’t! Yeah!!! (damn it)

However, once he dramatically rises to make his statement, he just sings a cute/cheesy song about her picking Justin over him. Yeah for redemption!

And now for another montage of clips! (This episode is KILLING ME…)

Raise your hand if you love bukkake parties!

Yes it’s really THAT big.

Seriously. It’s THAT big!

He’s so full of shit it comes out of his eyes.

After the commercial break, we get treated to… wait for it… a Roberto MONTAGE and a Chris MONTAGE! And I’m not gonna bother recapping a recap that’s been recapped over the last 9 episodes. I have only this to say… my prediction is that she picks…

You heard it here first! She goes back to the original douche!!!

But seriously folks – my pick is Chris! I love Roberto but we all know the producers are probably pushing her to Chris so that Roberto can be the next Bachelor and I think she connected better with his family.

And that’s it! Next week’s the big FINALE! FINALLY! Who will she pick?! Let me know what you think! Any highlights of YOURS this season?! Or fav ‘gasm moments?! Hollah back y’all!